I’m sure you can imagine what it’s been like around here after the crushing blow of personal defeat: all long faces, silences and whispered talk of the magic being over. Mo and Bo tried to put on a happy face as they arrived back at the Big White, but they didn’t fool anyone. The air was crackling with discharging electricity, and even the dog ran for cover.
I don’t blame the staff for being a little nervous. They’ve never personally witnessed how quickly a myth can be extinguished in this town. But I told them “buck up” - this is Washington, the land of a thousand rebounds. They’ll all calm down next week when everyone’s back on their meds.
But it did give me pause. Since I’ve been around D.C. much longer than the rest of this crew I know the crisis will pass, but I do want to start thinking about the future in order to line up my options. I don’t want to end up back in the Smithsonian. So I started to sort through who the next POTUS and FLOTUS might be – you know, to get myself prepared to handle the challenges. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Democrats:
- Hillary. Been there, done that, it hurt (see the Clinton years in the above link). Not my first pick.
- Joe Biden. Love Jill, almost a Betty.But Joe.. let me just remind you: “Stand up Chuck! Oh. God love you. Let’s all stand up for Chuck!” Yeah. Not going to happen.
- Bill Richardson. “Viva Zapata” has never sold too well in fly-over, but now that Rio grabbed our Olympics I think there might be a bigger backlash.
- John and Teresa. Love T, at least she never looked like she was wearing curtains, tablecloths or any other inappropriate draping material. But 4 years with Herman Munster? Don’t think so.
- Al and Tipper. Saw the movie (Love Story, not An Inconvenient Truth) and – uh, no. Besides, I can’t run on windmill power.
- Henry Waxman. aka Nostrildamus. Sorry, won’t work. My trans-imaging only works in one direction on this guy – and it ain’t pretty.
- Any Kennedy. Nope. My circuits are only waterproof to a depth of 10 feet.
- Nancy Pelosi. You’re kidding right? Besides, what plastic surgeons have stretched cannot be further rendered by a
mere NASA created, trans-imaging, multi-refracting nanotechnology mirroring device.
From the Republican Pool:
- John and Cindy. Love the Cinder, not much to do there, except for the hair. But John, well, no one’s buying the temper tantrums any more. Maybe Megan would like to run. Now that girl could use me.
- Mitt Romney. Probably not going to happen. There’s that temple underwear thing that seems to wing some people out, and with the Olympics going to Rio, no one’s going to remember that he’s the only man on the planet who ever managed an Olympics that actually made money. Which is really not a prerequisite for the presidency anyway, so he’s got nothing.
- Mike Huckabee. He and the Missus could use me, but there is that name: Huckabee? President Huckabee? Yeah, that doesn’t really work. Besides, I’ve already served a couple of Arkansas goobers, I think that’s enough.
- Bobby Jindal. I love this guy. But frankly, I see him more in tech support. For what it’s worth, so does Hillary.
- Charlie Crist. Boy, if he could just buy a consonant, he could ride in on the coat tails of the current messiah-themed president.
- Tim Pawlenty. President Tim? That’s not much better than Huckabee. He could go by Timothy, but that still makes him sounds like a poet. I think we’ve already had enough right-brained presidents for the 21st century, don’t you?
- Dick Cheney. While he’s not all that easy on the eyes, he’s my personal fave. And Lynn’s not much work either, which is surprising since they both came from Wyoming. Even fly-over states fly over Wyoming. I don’t think he’s interested though. Having too much fun smoking his Cohibas, eating his bison pot-roasts, tossing F-bombs at the media and generally annoying the few Wyoming liberals there are up in Jackson Hole.
- Sarah Palin. She would be a dream: great basic architecture, just needs a little help with the trim-out. And who wouldn’t love having Todd around? I don’t really think she’s interested either. There aren’t any moose in D.C., just pigs, dogs and an ever increasing cougar population. I sure wish we could build a Cheney-Palin ticket – in either order. It would make me feel safer than my Norton anti-virus and Spy-bot combined.
I better stop day-dreaming. Reality intrudes. I’ve still got a job to do for the American people. And I won’t let you down.
Undate: I forgot one of the Democratic contenders: Rhambo. But after Copenhagen, I think we've all had enough dead fish.
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