Doug Ross@Journal: Fab 50 Blog Award Winner

 The 'Imelda Obama' Award goes to Michelle's Mirror

That’s ME!!!!!!!

To borrow a quote from one of my fabulous, loyal snarkettes, Cinderella: “OMG, OMG, OMG…”

This is a total surprise! Big Guy said he was proud that a valued member of Team Obama won such a historic award, even if I did actually have to do something to earn it. Lady M said that it was the first time in her adult life that she “has been proud to look in a mirror.”

Then she made a funny little “yack” kind of noise when she caught an unexpectedly accurate reflection, caused by a temporary disabling of my circuit boards from my over-excitement. Don’t worry, just a temporary blip. We NASA-made reflective devices all have self-righting capabilities.

Anyway, I had a celebratory Glass Wax rub-down on the beach, and then we started counting our shoes. Lady M said if we are under 4,400 pairs, we can go shopping – because the last thing we need is for some FOX News troll starting a rumor that we got another award that we didn’t deserve.

Thanks Doug Ross@Journal, you Director Blue Guy! 

I hope my win doesn’t require a bunch of refunds (on account of your guarantee).

And finally, Big “New MAINSTREAM MEDIA” Hugs & Kisses to you, Doug Ross, and to my fellow 2009 FABULOUS 50 BLOG AWARDS WINNERS:

• Michelle Malkin
• Big Government
• Drudge Report
• Jim Hoft of Gateway Pundit
• The Corner
• Ed Morrissey of Hot Air
• InstaPundit
• American Thinker
• NewsBusters
• Media Matters
• Doctor Zero
• John Hawkins
• Ace of Spades
• The Jawa Report
• IowaHawk
• Pajamas TV
• Patterico’s Pontifications
• Power Line
• Sadly, No!
• Charles Johnson of LGF
• Verum Serum
• Pamela Geller
• Watts Up With That
• The Volokh Conspiracy
• Michael Yon
• Jammie Wearing Fool
• People’s Cube
• iOwnTheWorld
• Hixb ut-Tahrir America
• The Astute Bloggers
• DoublePlusUndead
• Michelle’s Mirror – THAT’S ME!!!!!
• Barry Rubin
• MEMRI Blog
• The Huffington Post
• Olbermann Watch
• SondraK
• The Watcher’s Council
  • Watcher of Weasels
  • The Glittering Eye
  • Rhymes With Right
  • JOSHUAPUNDIT
  • Soccer Dad
  • The COLOSSUS OF RHODEY
  • Bookworm Room
  • Wolf Howling
  • The Razor
  • The Provocateur
  • Mere Rhetoric
  • Right Truth
  • AMERICAN DIGEST

Battle Croc-pot

You’ve seen the hype and the promos: Iron Chef White House! Staring Lady M!!! Finally, a battle we can win. White House Executive Chef Cristeta Comerford will be teamed up with Bobby Flay, and they will take on Iron Chefs Mario Batali and Emeril Lagasse on the historic FoodTV battle. There will be blood.

It’s going to be anti-climactic though, since we already know who’s going to win. Big Guy and MO finally learned, after coming away from both of our Copenhagen trips empty-handed: we don’t go anywhere from now on without the fix being in.

Our friends in the supportive media would have you believe that this is all about our organic garden and our passion for healthy eating (and I can assure you that MO is a very passionate eater). But come on guys - If that was what it was all about, do you really think Food TV would be our chosen venue? I mean really - look at who fronts for them:

Nice belt Rachael!

 

 

 

 

 

English Muffins

wearing even a very large zebra will not make your butt look small

 

Nicely done! Contrast is good.

 

Guys who think pork fat rules:

Do any of these icons of food fashion strike you as poster children for healthy eating?

No, there’s much more going on here. MO and BO have taken a page from the Clinton administration and are starting to line up gigs for the after-the-show-show. This is all about future endorsements, people.

Since this is one battle that we do not intend to lose, Big Guy called together the joint chiefs of staff, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, Bruno and Rahmbo to provide an assessment of our war plan before deploying our troops to the battle ground in Kitchen Stadium. He called a press conference to announce that he will accept the team’s recommendations without question and deploy without delay. Apparently there are some big endorsements riding on a win.

He wrapped up the presser by reading the following statement: “Let me be clear: our response will be targeted and robust. We will defeat our adversaries with extraordinary dispatch and secure a historic victory for the American people.”

Then he added that we would do so while simultaneously reducing our carbon footprint, and using only fully sustainable ingredients from the garden. Now you see why we had to rig this thing.

2. Lady M in her organic garden, doing her impression of a peacock

 

 

Aside from getting her own FoodTV network show – which is a no-brainer – we’re also lining up some future sponsors for MO. I can’t name names of course, but I think you’ll be able to identify one of our future sponsors if you watch the show.

Before the deal with C---s was inked…

After we inked it…

 Big Guy will get a piece of the endorsement pie too!

And there will be others…

 

 Get your own historic BBQ apron

Happy New Year people! Our recession is now officially over! So go buy yourself an apron and get back to scanning Monster.com and CareerBuilders.com to end yours. Now that food is fashionable again, I’m sure there will be lots of job openings for short order cooks at Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

Happy New Year- From MOTUS

I hope 2009 was as big a year for you as it was for me. I mean, gee wiz, how many mirrors get the chance to reflect the most historic, fashion-forward woman on our feverish planet? My hard drive is still spinning with all the extraordinary memories. I promise I’ll reflect the best ones soon, but right now I’m just too dizzy with excitement … or maybe it’s still from the bubbly (France’s finest! After all, we Won!).

I’m going to try to catch a few more waves before our Polynesian dream vacation on Big Guy’s “birth island” comes to an end. Now I totally understand why we worked so hard, and spent so much money, to be born here instead of in Kenya or Kansas.

But today I want to take the opportunity to thank some of the people who made my first year of historic reflections possible. First, I want to thank the Prophet Algore for inventing the “interweb” for peaceful purposes. Next I want to thank, from the bottom of my quad-core processors, the millions and gazillions of loyal readers who drop by to enjoy my reflections and share their own: group hug.

And thanks to my artistic pals over at flatsimile studio (I’m going to have to ask Raj to get a website up for them when he gets back from his visit to Mumbai) who created another fun mosaic New Year’s greeting card. This one is a small tribute to the people who helped keep 2009 in focus and, I know, will help put our historic second year in context. You probably know most of them, even the ones who - like me - are sneaking into their basements under the cover of night to blog away in their pj’s and bunny slippers. Click and zoom away!

I know we missed many, and nobody other then moi will like all of them. But I hope it’s fun for you to try to find your favorites. Raj created a list of who’s in the mosaic - if you are from Chicago and want to cheat.

Dick Cheney and Pollsters: New Enemies Within

It’s so reassuring to know that the Big White is on duty even while we relax and recharge our seriously depleted green-certified batteries.

Almost immediately upon hearing Dick Cheney’s mean-spirited comments about Big Guy taking 4 days to mount a robust response to the air-terror panty bomber, the Big White fires back with their own rapid response.

So as you can see, we’ve clearly got our targets in site, and are quite capable of attacking immediately if necessary. Note the title of the BW blog: The Same Old Washington Blame Game. Don’t you love David’s sense of irony? I swear if the Axman hadn’t gotten into politics, he could have been huge in tinsel town. I mean really  - accusing Dick Cheney of not being tough enough on al Queda – how deliciously ironic is that?!

The truth however is that this is just a new chew toy for the MSM, so they don’t have to talk about Lady M’s falling poll numbers and her embarrassing 4th place finish in the new poll of most admired women in America. Even more humiliating than the 4th place designation is who she was beaten by:

Hillary! That blonde  b--ch!

 

Sarah! That smiley b—ch who shot Bullwinkle!

     

And the lowest blow of all: Oprah! Girlfriend, how could you do this to me! You b---h!

This is a very bad way to head into a new year. We’re reviewing how these disastrous results could have possibly happened:

Apparently we’ll be holding strategy meetings all next week to figure out how to counter this terrorist attack. It looks like a sure bet we’ll be beefing up our public relations staff, since we don’t seem to be getting our message out.

We’ll also be getting some of our stimulus money to ACORN so they can get the vote out. Will we reclaim the number one slot next year from these pretenders? You betcha!

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone. And remember: Let’s be careful out there!

Half Shoeless, and Totally Clueless

Oh my. Here we go again with the weird footwear. It all started during our summer vacation on Martha’s Vineyard (pricey island holidays are quickly becoming a hallmark of our reign presidency). We stopped the presses with our first pair of Maison Martin Margiela’s upon our return. No one had ever seen such fashion forward footwear on the FLOTUS before. Lady M’s feet became an accessorized extension of her world famous gams.

So I don’t know if it’s Big Guy or Ikram who has a thing about naked toes. But geeze-Louise – these are not toes meant for public display, with or without the $400 pedicure. With all the kicking-holes-in-walls-with-feet days that we’ve been through, we’ve broken a toe or two (that was before we had poor little Bo – the dog, not Big Guy – to kick around). And as we all know, broken digits never heal up quite right again.

 

And of course, the infamous “six toe” conspiracy always comes up when Lady M bares half of her size 13’s. For the last time, people: she only has 5 toes on each foot. The squeezing into too-small shoes presents a situation even my trans-imaging powers cannot alleviate:

This is not a shoe designed for hammer toes or piggies that have been broken in previous airing of grievances sessions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The famous $585 green Lanvin sneakers, perfect for slinging hash down at the homeless shelter.

 

But we’re putting the best spin we can on a foot fetish that requires regular infusions of ugly shoes costing north of $500. Should it come up in a press briefing - and it probably won’t – we instructed Gibbsy to say that the latest un-shoe that Lady M’s sporting is actually  recession-fighting footwear. Like everyone else, MO’s “cutting back.” Brilliant, no? Toes came up with it. He’s an expert in both spin and foot fetishes.

 

We’re going to need something a little more practical when we go back to D.C. I think this little number from Giuseppe Zanotti could make quite a statement. At a very reasonable $1243, they’re a good stimulus booster.

 

 

 

On the other hand, these leather lace-up boots by Peachoo + Krejberg might set a better example of frugality, at  a blow out price of $913. Plus they have the added benefit of looking great with the new civilian para-military Obamacorps uniforms.

 

Oh yeah, about that dress? I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, with the shoes and all. What can I say? Mai Tai’s aren’t for everyone. One more example of how dangerous it is to drink and dress.

Flyer, Fryer Pants On Fire

One nice thing about Team Obama is that we are all about sharing the pain. So, while I missed most of the historic “Christmas luau” due to my special assignment, Big Guy’s sacrifice was even greater. He had to skip the back nine today so he could end his customary 48 hour silence following terrorist events that don’t involve white cops acting stupidly. He reassured American voters that the “knicker-bomber” (as Mark Steyn has dubbed him) got his “free pass” visa in June, 2008: that’s right, another problem inherited from GWB. This one never seems to get old.

Knicker-bomber before “detonation

…after detonation

Evidence gathered for the civilian criminal trial in Detroit

If you saw it, I’m sure you’d agree that Big Guy gave an extraordinary read: full of robust talk of immediate “orders” and “action” and continued “vigilance” because we “will not rest”. Then - to give the travel sector a little verbal stimulus, BO said “…we are doing everything in our power to keep you and your family safe and secure… ,” throwing in “…during this busy holiday season…” as a reminder to anyone who forgot that we are on VACATION here! I think that might have been a little gratuitous, since I already made that point by snatching his tie just before he went on camera. Nothing says vacation casual like suit coat and dress shirt, sans tie.

BO finished strong, breaking his silence on another important international issue: the recent violence in Iran. Up till now he’s been reticent about even acknowledging the little gnat from Tehran, but today he agreed to include Iran in his read, without preconditions, because it makes the knicker bomber seem just a merry prankster by comparison.

But all this bad news, and Bruno lurking about on the lanai, has really put a damper on things. At least for me and Lady M. Big Guy, on the other hand, seems somehow energized by the whole scare. He hasn’t tweeted Bill Ayers this much since they had to figure out how to plausibly claim he was just another guy in the neighborhood. I guess he just wanted to get a domestic terrorist’s perspective on the incident.

Then Toes got BO going on Sunday. He said that the “flying Dutchman” saved our Team’s bacon, and that proves we need a well trained civilian para-military unit in every major city that has an airport - or a large conservative voter base. MO’s been busy selecting fabric, uniforms and Obamacorps patches. I don’t like the direction this is heading …

For now though, I have to turn my attention back to Lady M. I don’t know who told her this look would do for either beach wear or dinner. She seems to have reprised her Joie button front maternity top, and paired it stunningly with her Schwinn bicycle capris. I predict this is going to be a very good year for a pea in the pod. All of a sudden, those French terry cloth towels don’t look so bad.

Some think this picture of BO’s left foot turned to the right is a good sign. Me, I think he’s just pigeon toed.

UPDATE: Chickaboomer has a graphic description of the knicker-bomber’s antics. Singe. Cringe.

Is That A Bomb In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To Be In America?

Boy, am I glad that assignment is over. I wasn’t sure I would be allowed to tell you about it, but Toes specifically said that all the stuff I can’t talk about has been redacted from my hard drive. I wonder if he knows about that backup security firewall Raj installed?  Anyway, it’s still all here so I’ll tell you.

It all started when Bruno rudely interrupted our Christmas night Luau, 3 hours after some jerk from Nigeria - who claims he’s some big time Al Qaeda jihadist - tried to blow up a plane landing in Detroit.

Big Guy, appropriately, I think, snapped “Why are you telling me this? Isn’t that your department?” To save face I think, Bruno responded that she needed Big Guy to approve deployment of some specialized support to assist in the investigation: ME!

What could I do to help Homeland Security you ask? Me too. It seems that this knucklehead got on a plane with some sort of a explosive material sewn into his underpants, and now Bruno has to develop new TSA screening procedures to prevent this exact same thing from happening again. And who is the resident undergarment expert on Team Obama? No, not Lady M. She just wears the Spanx. I’m the one who efforts the acquisition and proper installation.

 

 

I should have just kept my mouth shut and accepted the assignment. But I’d had a couple of Mai Tai’s (hey, I’m on vacation too!) so I offered an alternate solution that would eliminate the underwear screening that is bound to tick everyone else off: “How about you just don’t let Muslims from turd-world countries traveling to America on a one-way ticket, purchased with cash, without luggage, who are denied re-entry into the UK for suspicion of terrorist involvement, whose name is in an FBI terrorist database, whose father notified the U.S. embassy in Nigeria  that his son might do something like this, and was last seem pacing about in the airport grabbing his privates to say good bye – how about you just don’t let them get on the damn airplane!”

Bruno looked at Big Guy and smirked, and Big Guy said “uh…no. We can’t do that.”

They didn’t even give me time to reflect a few examples:

 

Here’s a “No”

And a couple more,

 

 

 Even Bruno agreed that nobody would let these racist rednecks on a plane, with or without the explosives.

 

 I wouldn’t let this guy on either

 

So now I’m not allowed to have any more Mai Tai’s, and I wasted 5 hours out of my first vacation in  BO’s “official” birth state, on a TSA task force explaining the finer points of undergarments. From briefs to boxers, thongs to commando, we scrutinized every panty contingency.

Luckily, some of this may prove helpful in my day job. We used a recent shot of Lady M as an example of what should not require secondary inspections:

                                

   Mr Ed wonders: “does that keister make my butt look small

 

To the untrained eye, this might look like an un-natural panty line which could be caused by fireworks sewn into her panties. But it is actually a fashion-forward “slimming-seam” effect achieved by wearing our stretch pants inside-out.

Thankfully, Bruno felt there was no need to get into bras and bustiers. At least not until some cross-dressing jihadist gets past security wearing a Victoria’s Secret incendiary falsie wonder bra.

I’m sorry that I can’t go into detail about what is involved in the rest of Operation SkidMarks, but I hope you don’t have to fly until this blows over and we lower the “Man-Caused Disaster Alert Color Code” to something other than “Brown”.

So it’s back to work for this girl. Things got a little out of hand while I was on assignment. We’re wearing our towels …

 

But I probably don’t have to worry, by tomorrow everyone else will be too, and we can read on the blogs about how fashion-forward French terry cloth is.

Linked By: GotFreedom on White House Dossier, Thanks!

When Snarks Attack: 3

Once again thanks, hugs and kisses to the millions of voters in the second–ever When Snarks Attack contest. Despite all of the holiday hubbub you all found time to vote for your favorite snark as often as you saw appropriate. Impressive.

And this Week’s Big Winner is - chiron for the comment on Happy Winter Holidays To Druids Everywhere. Congratulations! As with our previous winner, you may proudly display your “Golden FLOTUS” on your mantle, dashboard, website or anywhere else you choose.

And congratulations to all of my finalists from last week. As was the case last week, you are all winners in the progressive world. but here, in the real world, the final count shows another tuchus kicker. (Chiron: does that really signify the golden centaur, or does it stand for “Chicago Ron?” )

 

chiron “… the only thing with any balls …”

1. @ 59%: chiron: ”the only thing with any balls”…

2. @ 22%:  Annie Carmel: "...poop to pick up in Big White ...”

3. @ 9%:  Cinderella: "...hawking non-stick cookware & skincream..."

4. @ 7%:  Moright: "... Jimmy Carter...The Snuggie..."

5. @ 3%: bettyann: "SELL MY HARLEY!!?...hell has not yet frozen over..."

Now here are the finalists in the “When Snarks Attack 3” contest for your thoughtful consideration and votes. Mrs. P’s snark-filled acceptance speech for winning “When Snarks Attack 1 would have been considered for inclusion as a finalist in this week’s contest, except for the fact that she violated the “pithy” requirement by about 1000 words.

Please note: WSA 3 will run for 2 weeks, closing on January 9th. Remember: Chiron  Chicago rules still apply. Just to keep it fair.

 

Nominees For The Week Of

December 20 - 26, 2009

(comments may be edited by moi)

 

1. AnnieCarmel: Hope-n-hagen: Change We Can Believe In

...maybe The Really Big Guy will take them all out and do a better job next time. Obviously something went awry in His evolutionary plan this time. He gave us some snakes in human form.

2. chiron: Happy Winter Holidays To Druids Everywhere

(This time pushing the envelope on “pithy” as well. But in the spirit of ecumenical political correctness, I’m letting it stand, un-edited)

Oy!! Hanukkah Schmonukkah! You don't toivel in kool-aid. Who vas the Mashgiach, Stevie Wonder? So...the chametz here is yo-yo's and Colt45? I'm farklempt. In da blue room no less. And dat Michelle...meshuginah! No balebosteh there. So tell her why don't you its mishigas to make Latkes from what? Tatter Tots and Collard Greens? Drek! And, Oy vay iz mir, Twinkies do not substitute for Challah. So ver vas da brisket at least? Nu gedempte fleisch? Just BBQ pork ribs and fried clams? I don't vant to kvetch but a poison could go hungry. And no Menorah? No, no, no, six glow sticks, two flashlights and a lava lamp taped together is just not vight. And the nebbish himself comes out vrom da office to play a shtick of a hava nagila on ringtone from da Blackberry followed by an Adhan. No really. I'm famisht. Maybe next year. At least the babkes in da toilets vas nice.Vas dat Lieberman polishing shoes?

 

3. bettyann: Silver belts, Silver Belts …

  I'm burning all my cardigans. Right now.

4. CricketGal: Digging Our Way To Prosperity

Looks like TheOne handles an ax just about the way he threw a baseball at the ballgame -- just like a girlyboy!
Look at that photo! He's in dress shoes, black socks and dress slacks, squatting down to chop down with the ax..... and he's wearing GLOVES! Like one or four dainty little chops would cause blisters on his pearly hands!

 

5. bettyann: It Runs In The Family

Say, is it just me, or does that ass belong on a linebacker? Watchout Rahmbo, for "Feats of Strength", my money's on the Wookie.

Ok, so cast your votes and make this the best start of a new year for one worthy nominee and ruin the year for all the others. Remember, this time your friends and enemies have two full weeks to vote!