I so apologize for the delay in getting my “Pick The Stamp Champ” poll results published. So many of you voted that our poll server crashed and we had to bring in the newly rebranded ATHORN (formerly ACORN) ballot team to hand count the votes.
They were really energetic and excited until they realized that the commies, who were winning a mandate in the poll, were all more or less dead. That revelation was, to say the least, disappointing. But they did finally finish the count.
Toes and Ax-man were pleased to see how popular the heroes of the struggle are with the voters and certified the results immediately.
I want to thank the tens of millions of you who voted in our little poll. Democracy is a blessed gift, especially when you get your money’s worth and things work out the way you planned. So, without further adieu, the winner is … Oh, I guess I spilled the beans in the title:
Fidel Castro
I’m going to give you the complete results so you can try your hand at analysis. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a novice at this, but I’m learning fast.
| STAMP | VOTES (000,000) | HEAD-HEAD (%) | OVERALL (%) |
| CASTRO | 36 | 87.8 | 23.4 |
| CASTRO THEATER | 5 | 12.2 | 3.3 |
| LENIN | 33 | 89.2 | 21.4 |
| LENNON | 4 | 10.8 | 2.5 |
| K. MARX | 24 | 63.2 | 15.6 |
| G. MARX | 14 | 36.8 | 9.1 |
| CHE | 33 | 86.8 | 21.4 |
| CHER | 5 | 12.2 | 3.3 |
- Fidel Castro
- Vladimir Lenin & Che Guevara
- Karl Marx
- Groucho Marx
- Castro Theater & Cher
- John Lennon
Now comes the really fun part: the Demographic Analytics! Most poll analytics focus on the voters. You know, you’ve seen Chris “Tingles” Matthews on Ms.NBC get “inside” the numbers of the polls showing our health care takeover reform or our cap & tax economic destruction enhancement plans are opposed by large majorities of those polled. Tingles will explain that the demographics show those who oppose us are old, racist white people, from fly-over red states where people drink a lot of beer while driving their pick-up trucks and marry their cousins.
Since we already know all about you MOLs from previous polling, I thought it would be more fun to get “behind” the numbers of the candidates themselves. What characteristics (demographics) seemed to attract the greatest number of votes? That will tell us how I should be re-imaging our Team (to look like the stuff you like).
As you go through my analysis, I think you’ll see why, beginning today, we are going to start smoking cigars. We’ve already got the commie thing down pat.
Candidate Demographic Analytics
| DEMOGRAPHIC CATEGORY | FAVORABILITY (%) | TOTAL VOTE (000,000) |
| COMMUNIST | 911 | 140 |
| MURDEROUS COMMUNIST | 66.2 | 102 |
| MURDER VICTIM | 2.6 | 4 |
| COHIBA FACTOR | 912 | 140 |
| ENTERTAINMENT | 14.9 | 23 |
| SHOW TUNES | 51.33 | 79 |
| FACIAL HAIR | 84.44 | 130 |
| NEED FIRST NAME ONLY TO ID | 21.45 | 33 |
| SAME LAST NAME | 23.46 | 36 |
- In spite of his many “leftist” views, his chicken-walk and well tailored routine as a wise cracking hustler, Groucho Marx is not believed to have been a Communist. He had a sense of humor, something commies lack. On “You Bet Your Life”, Groucho once asked a contestant with 12 children why she had so many kids. The woman replied that she loved her husband very much. Groucho responded “I love my cigar, but I take it out once in a while.” (This is not why we’re going to start smoking cigars)
- Castro Theater does not permit smoking. Cher smoked Kool cigarettes (like Big Guy) and we all know what John Lennon smoked.
- Favorability of show tunes is “unexpectedly” high due to the announcement that the new musical “Havana” will open at the Pasadena Playhouse in June, 2010. What’s wrong with the Castro Theater? Bad karma.
- Groucho’s mustache was grease-paint.
- Only Cher. Groucho’s first name is Julius…Yea, I know that’s a technicality, but I told you I’m new to this analytics stuff.
- This is why polling wonks get the big bucks. My poll was online, so reading the questions it is clear that only Groucho and Karl have the same last name. But if I polled you by phone, and you were, say a civics teacher in Detroit, you might think that John and Vladimir had the same last name. Because on the phone, Lenin and Lennon sound exactly the same! Go ahead, say them out loud. See? I’m getting better at this.
So what did we learn “inside” the numbers that can help me reshape your image of our historic Team to make them more appealing to you, the little voters?
Our ideal “candidate” is a cigar smoking Communist with facial hair. And it wouldn’t hurt if the candidate committed mass murder while listening to show tunes.
I’m beginning to see why we take so many polls and why we spend so much time getting “inside” the numbers. In the old days, before Team Obama, it was because we really wanted to know what you people out there thought about things and what you wanted us to do and not do. But now we’ve got “reconciliation” in our quiver, so all that really matters is what we want.
So go ahead; get “inside” the numbers and see what you find. There might just be a tattoo in it for somebody.
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