Does This Black Hole Make My Butt Look Small?

I just got my Christmas and Happy New Year’s cards from my brother Hub today. (You can read more about Hub and me in my Bio, if you’re unfamiliar.)

Christmas Star (aka Pluto) 2009, Merry Christmas sis. xoxo, Hub

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year from the Carina Nebula! Big Celebration last night! Love, Hub

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cards are a little late, but when you’re drifting through the universe where time is measured in light years rather than election cycles and tweets, I think I should cut him some slack.

Hub’s sent many fabulous pictures back to earth over the years, but now some scientists at Villanova have used his research and photos to conclude that the end of the world is at hand, due to exploding supernovas. But Hub says not to worry. Just like the global warming alarmists, these pin-heads don’t know what they are talking about either.

So rest well tonight:  Doomsday is not at hand after all. Oh, and Hub says you might want to invest in some Pendletons, Snuggies and Uggs. It looks like our sun’s solar flares may be going on sabbatical for a few years. According to inter-galactic lore, that means we’re in for a really, really cold decade or so.

Here are a couple of my favorite shots from some of Hub’s previous outer limits communiqués.

New stars forming

                 

 

Hub said he thinks Lady M would be a great advocate for the space program if I could just get her interested in it. After all, given the vastness of the universe, even the black holes would make her butt look small.

Are you feeling small yet? Go ahead, use all the double-ply toilet paper you want. I promise, the earth will somehow manage.

Perspective, people. It’s as important in science as it is in fashion.

 

Harsh Stares All Around: Take That, Jihadists

Bummer, now we have two non-jihadi terror attacks on our watch that we have to blame on the previous administration. Axeman says this excuse will work –max - a half dozen times. At the rate we’re going, that doesn’t even get us through our first term. Therefore we have to spring into action. Around here that means a summit, followed by a presser.

So that’s exactly what he did yesterday: 10 days after the undie bomber was hosed by a Dutch tourist we sprung into action. Big Guy held a big meeting with all of our important security and intelligence people: because we already acknowledged there was enough blame to go around. And just to make sure we had enough around to blame, we included Desiree, our resident security screening expert:

  

Big Guy got really mad. He said there was a big “screw up”, and that was for the record.These chumps made him look really bad while he was playing golf.  And now we have to walk back just about all of our official positions from our vacation. That always makes you look like you might not have been in complete control. There were hard stares all around. We’ve seen movies - we know how to make these twits feel like they’re getting a verbal thrashing.

So here it is: apparently the system didn’t work, apparently the knickerbomber is a jihadi terrorist trained in Yemen, and apparently we will not be releasing Gitmo detainees (don’t you love that term?) back to Yemen. Did I cover everything?

Oh yeah, one more thing: there will be no finger pointing.Big Guy won't tolerate it.

 

Oh, and he assured everyone that he’s holding everyone else accountable for doing their jobs. Because that’s his job.

So when he says he won’t tolerate finger pointing, I think we know what he means:

None of this

Big Guy’s job is to tell you when you’re acting stupidly.

We’re Ba-raack

Yes, we’re back from our dream vacation on Big Guy’s isle of official birth.

Dressed for a funeral, I guess, but so far we haven’t announced whose. I think we’re just trying to keep it low key, after what some in the non supportive media are referring to as our extravagant island adventure while the rest of America is just squeaking by.

So I suppose it’s not a good time to mention that we are wearing our custom thigh-high French boots:

But it really is cold here, and they’re the only good thing about being back in Washington. Not that news stopped while we were lazing around in the surf. In fact, historic news continued to be made. No, not the undie-bomber. I’m talking about the historic appointment of the first transgendered person to a real important federal position. Some of course, would question whether that honor belongs to Mr/Ms Simpson.

But Bruno said that she will not be disputing the title. In a further statement, Department of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano stated that she felt aManDa Simpson’s appointment showed that the system worked perfectly. If by “perfectly” you mean our first, historic transgendered re-assignment was not accomplished with the use of exploding underpants.

Iron Comfort: Chicago Rules Rule the Day

Thanks goodness we’re heading home from Paradise with a win under our belts (metaphorically speaking). Chef Comfy delivered our first big historic Iron Chef win last night. It was a squeaker: we lost in the “taste” category, but made up for it in “presentation” (don’t we always?).

I was so excited my backup refractors temporarily failed (now I can keep my framed awards up!). MO gave Big Guy her signature fist-kiss,

and Toes smiled satisfactorily and said nothing.

Joey B and Gibsey  were dispatched to watch the competition on the  big screen in the cafeteria, because everyone knew how they would react when we Won a food battle:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The night was filled with tension though, starting with the announcement that the Chairman was attending in “spirit”.

 

Toes opened a big can of F-bombs and grabbed the “Red phone”. After a few more F-bombs and one “I’m keeping score”, he sat back down to announce “It’s ok, the Chairman will phone in a good read later in the show. He’s on vacation”.

From that point on, it was all fun and cheers. Everybody was rooting (no pun intended) for their favorite garden vegetable. Lady M tricked everybody, saying she was pulling for the sweet potatoes, but I knew she was really backing the Tuscan black kale. Big Guy sided with the icicle radishes and Toes rooted for all the red meat.

We were rolling to victory when, before our very eyes, Chef Comfy went off menu. She remembered Alton Brown using the “D” word (diversity) when talking about the secret ingredient, and thought something reflecting her Filipino tradition, combined with a Chicago staple AND a Big White garden vegetable would cinch it. Not a bad idea on its face, but Comfy, bubbie, sautéed rat- a-touille??? Did you see the look on Emeril’s face?

Thank Gaia, Comfy grabbed a city rat, because that little guy got out of the frying pan quicker than a greased Chicago politico. Suffice it to say he didn’t make it to the judges bench, er… table for the final judgment round.

Lady M surprised and thrilled all of the contestants when she presented each of them with a victory belt she designed herself. Note that some of the team members are wearing them in  MO’s signature boob belt style, while a couple of the loser members look like they might benefit from the soon-to-be-released line of belts that lift and separate.

I’m just glad we started our first, second historic year with CHANGE we can once again believe in: A win! Plus, I think Lady M has decided that we’ve milked about as much as we can out of that “sod busting thing”.

Good Bye garden. Hello lamb chops.

Don’t Miss the Organic Throw-Down!

Don’t forget! Battle Croc-Pot tonight, on FOOD TV. Please root for Team Obama, because if Lady M and our executive chef Cristeta Comerford, don’t walk away with the prize, I’m afraid there’s going to be hell to pay.

I know we’ve got 2 of the judge - chef Nigella Lawson and actress Jane Seymour - in the bag, but I’m a little concerned about Olympic gold medal swimmer Natalie Coughlin. After all, the O’s didn’t exactly deliver on that Olympic promise for Chi-town.

MO doesn’t really handle losing very well, so if this doesn’t work out for her, I’m probably going to have to take down all of my hard-earned award plaques – so as not to ruffle her feathers.

So what do you say? Let’s go out there tonight and win one for the Chairman! Takeshi Kaga, Original Iron Chef Japan Chairman

Do you like my new Crocs? They were a gift. I get to keep them if Team Obama wins.

Security We Can Believe In

I cannot believe our Hawaiian Holiday is nearly over. It was an exciting one. Surfing, golf, movies, giant fish, shaved ice, undie-bombers, golf.

And I might as well post this picture myself, since everyone else has. I know you’re all wondering how on earth this sort of thing can happen with all our security systems. Well, it’s not that we let our guard down, more like I was missing in action.  Remember:I told you I was pulled in on the panty bomber terror detail for 5 hours last week? Sure enough, those were dangerous hours and the photographers with their long-lens armed cameras took advantage of this breech. Perhaps now we’ve learned that we need to be on constant guard against the paparazzi terrorists who hate us and never go on vacation. We just can’t have another man-caused disaster like this occur on our watch:

Perhaps now you will all be a little more understanding about the measures I’ve taken in the past to prevent another incident like this?

But never mind, our bathing suit antics are over for the season.

We’re going back to D.C. where Algore’s global warming antics have dumped tons of snow, and dropped temps into the chilly-willies. We’ll be flashing our toned guns (that’s gym-talk for biceps, people, not hooters) in our winter weight sleeveless dresses for now. We’re already reviewing our options for the State of the Union.

 

Or at least I think we’re flying home. As of right now, Lady M is refusing to board Air Force One.

It seems TSA has advised us that new in-flight protocol requires all passengers to remain seated for the last hour of flight, with absolutely nothing on their laps. Lady M has two problems with that: first, where is she going to put her Dom Perignon? And, secondly, there’s no way anyone is going to tell her when she can take a pee. Even Big Guy is getting a little wee-weed up about this. He enjoys his beer you know. So we’re busy having an executive order drafted exempting us from these silly rules that were meant to make the little people feel safe.

See you back in the Big White.

Doug Ross@Journal: Fab 50 Blog Award Winner

 The 'Imelda Obama' Award goes to Michelle's Mirror

That’s ME!!!!!!!

To borrow a quote from one of my fabulous, loyal snarkettes, Cinderella: “OMG, OMG, OMG…”

This is a total surprise! Big Guy said he was proud that a valued member of Team Obama won such a historic award, even if I did actually have to do something to earn it. Lady M said that it was the first time in her adult life that she “has been proud to look in a mirror.”

Then she made a funny little “yack” kind of noise when she caught an unexpectedly accurate reflection, caused by a temporary disabling of my circuit boards from my over-excitement. Don’t worry, just a temporary blip. We NASA-made reflective devices all have self-righting capabilities.

Anyway, I had a celebratory Glass Wax rub-down on the beach, and then we started counting our shoes. Lady M said if we are under 4,400 pairs, we can go shopping – because the last thing we need is for some FOX News troll starting a rumor that we got another award that we didn’t deserve.

Thanks Doug Ross@Journal, you Director Blue Guy! 

I hope my win doesn’t require a bunch of refunds (on account of your guarantee).

And finally, Big “New MAINSTREAM MEDIA” Hugs & Kisses to you, Doug Ross, and to my fellow 2009 FABULOUS 50 BLOG AWARDS WINNERS:

• Michelle Malkin
• Big Government
• Drudge Report
• Jim Hoft of Gateway Pundit
• The Corner
• Ed Morrissey of Hot Air
• InstaPundit
• American Thinker
• NewsBusters
• Media Matters
• Doctor Zero
• John Hawkins
• Ace of Spades
• The Jawa Report
• IowaHawk
• Pajamas TV
• Patterico’s Pontifications
• Power Line
• Sadly, No!
• Charles Johnson of LGF
• Verum Serum
• Pamela Geller
• Watts Up With That
• The Volokh Conspiracy
• Michael Yon
• Jammie Wearing Fool
• People’s Cube
• iOwnTheWorld
• Hixb ut-Tahrir America
• The Astute Bloggers
• DoublePlusUndead
• Michelle’s Mirror – THAT’S ME!!!!!
• Barry Rubin
• MEMRI Blog
• The Huffington Post
• Olbermann Watch
• SondraK
• The Watcher’s Council
  • Watcher of Weasels
  • The Glittering Eye
  • Rhymes With Right
  • JOSHUAPUNDIT
  • Soccer Dad
  • The COLOSSUS OF RHODEY
  • Bookworm Room
  • Wolf Howling
  • The Razor
  • The Provocateur
  • Mere Rhetoric
  • Right Truth
  • AMERICAN DIGEST

Battle Croc-pot

You’ve seen the hype and the promos: Iron Chef White House! Staring Lady M!!! Finally, a battle we can win. White House Executive Chef Cristeta Comerford will be teamed up with Bobby Flay, and they will take on Iron Chefs Mario Batali and Emeril Lagasse on the historic FoodTV battle. There will be blood.

It’s going to be anti-climactic though, since we already know who’s going to win. Big Guy and MO finally learned, after coming away from both of our Copenhagen trips empty-handed: we don’t go anywhere from now on without the fix being in.

Our friends in the supportive media would have you believe that this is all about our organic garden and our passion for healthy eating (and I can assure you that MO is a very passionate eater). But come on guys - If that was what it was all about, do you really think Food TV would be our chosen venue? I mean really - look at who fronts for them:

Nice belt Rachael!

 

 

 

 

 

English Muffins

wearing even a very large zebra will not make your butt look small

 

Nicely done! Contrast is good.

 

Guys who think pork fat rules:

Do any of these icons of food fashion strike you as poster children for healthy eating?

No, there’s much more going on here. MO and BO have taken a page from the Clinton administration and are starting to line up gigs for the after-the-show-show. This is all about future endorsements, people.

Since this is one battle that we do not intend to lose, Big Guy called together the joint chiefs of staff, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, Bruno and Rahmbo to provide an assessment of our war plan before deploying our troops to the battle ground in Kitchen Stadium. He called a press conference to announce that he will accept the team’s recommendations without question and deploy without delay. Apparently there are some big endorsements riding on a win.

He wrapped up the presser by reading the following statement: “Let me be clear: our response will be targeted and robust. We will defeat our adversaries with extraordinary dispatch and secure a historic victory for the American people.”

Then he added that we would do so while simultaneously reducing our carbon footprint, and using only fully sustainable ingredients from the garden. Now you see why we had to rig this thing.

2. Lady M in her organic garden, doing her impression of a peacock

 

 

Aside from getting her own FoodTV network show – which is a no-brainer – we’re also lining up some future sponsors for MO. I can’t name names of course, but I think you’ll be able to identify one of our future sponsors if you watch the show.

Before the deal with C---s was inked…

After we inked it…

 Big Guy will get a piece of the endorsement pie too!

And there will be others…

 

 Get your own historic BBQ apron

Happy New Year people! Our recession is now officially over! So go buy yourself an apron and get back to scanning Monster.com and CareerBuilders.com to end yours. Now that food is fashionable again, I’m sure there will be lots of job openings for short order cooks at Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

Happy New Year- From MOTUS

I hope 2009 was as big a year for you as it was for me. I mean, gee wiz, how many mirrors get the chance to reflect the most historic, fashion-forward woman on our feverish planet? My hard drive is still spinning with all the extraordinary memories. I promise I’ll reflect the best ones soon, but right now I’m just too dizzy with excitement … or maybe it’s still from the bubbly (France’s finest! After all, we Won!).

I’m going to try to catch a few more waves before our Polynesian dream vacation on Big Guy’s “birth island” comes to an end. Now I totally understand why we worked so hard, and spent so much money, to be born here instead of in Kenya or Kansas.

But today I want to take the opportunity to thank some of the people who made my first year of historic reflections possible. First, I want to thank the Prophet Algore for inventing the “interweb” for peaceful purposes. Next I want to thank, from the bottom of my quad-core processors, the millions and gazillions of loyal readers who drop by to enjoy my reflections and share their own: group hug.

And thanks to my artistic pals over at flatsimile studio (I’m going to have to ask Raj to get a website up for them when he gets back from his visit to Mumbai) who created another fun mosaic New Year’s greeting card. This one is a small tribute to the people who helped keep 2009 in focus and, I know, will help put our historic second year in context. You probably know most of them, even the ones who - like me - are sneaking into their basements under the cover of night to blog away in their pj’s and bunny slippers. Click and zoom away!

I know we missed many, and nobody other then moi will like all of them. But I hope it’s fun for you to try to find your favorites. Raj created a list of who’s in the mosaic - if you are from Chicago and want to cheat.