2010: A Space Odyssey

Well for 20 years now, my brother Hub (Hubble to you cave dwellers) has been floating in his tin can, far above the world.

Happy 20th Hub!!!

I sure miss him, but we are in cyber-contact 24/7. Still, it would be nice to give him his big 20th Anniversary Hug & Smooch in the real world.

He sent me a bunch of soooo cool pictures from outer space. You can see all of them at Hub’s official website. There’s goodles of unbelievable snaps there.

So, anyway, I put this little video together on my hard drive to celebrate the big event. It took me a lot longer than I thought it would. I just kept looking at those pictures trying to decide which ones to leave out. That, plus, I’m not as good at videos as my bud Dewey over at flatsimile studios in Motown. But I think you’ll like it. It’s full of cool snaps and Hub’s theme song. Everybody’s got a theme song, right? You do, don’t you?

Hub still hasn’t filled me in on how that “make your dreams come true” thing works like he promised. He said he will soon and that it has something to do with that field assignment we were both on in Area 51 way back when. He did say that from where he sits, the future looks pretty good though, especially after November.

He’s my brother and all, but sometimes he creeps me out. Like he can see into the future . . . or, maybe he’s already in the future . . .

First thing Monday, I’m going to requisition a set of “X Files” DVDs. I think there are a couple of sets in the visitor’s “lootie bag” left over from the Queen’s visit last year. No, not that one, the Queen. Of England.

Sheesh!

When Snarks Attack: 5 The Winner

Drum Roll Please . . .

The Winner of the coveted Golden FLOTUS in When Snarks Attack: 5 is . . .  “Funky Town” !!!

Congratulations Funky Town. You have now achieved cyber immortality with a permanent place in my Snark Attack Hall of Fame along side all the previous winners.

Funky’s snarkalicious snark “. . . woman with a butt that ate Cincinnati . . . “ WON the hearts and minds of the voters and left the competition in her dust.

So, come on down Funky Town and accept your coveted, and well deserved Golden Flotus

And congratulations to all the “runners up” and all my loyal, snarky FOMs and MOLs. You are all winners in my book.

I want to thank the millions of FOMs and MOLs who voted millions of times in my When Snarks Attack: 5. Nearly 5 million votes were logged. A modern day record.

For the record, the final vote count was certified by Toes after review of the audited count by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The results were as follows:

1. Funky Town – 1,480,000
2. bettyann – 1,380,000
3. Madame Defarge – 650,000
4. Mrs P. – 250,000
5. Suzette – 250,000
6. vereteno – 210,000
7. Lynn – 20,000
8. Portia Elizabeth – 170,000
9. Amy – 130,000
10. Anonymous – 110,000

I won’t get inside the numbers here, you all know how to do that on your own now. So, Snark Attack 5 is now in the history books and Snark Attack 6 is in the future.

Snark till you drop MOLs!!!!

C.S.I. Asheville

I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but anything that comes across the wire regarding Lady M’s wardrobe or imaging this weekend isn’t my fault. I’m back here at the Big White preparing for brother Hub’s big 20th anniversary orbit of the universe, snapping spectacular galaxies.

And I’ve read all your MOL comments on Lady M’s departure outfit yesterday. But for heaven’s sake, she was dressed for a hike through the woods! What do you expect Jason Wu?

And yes, I’m aware that the boyz over at the Buzz implied an unfortunate comparison that, shall we say, is not exactly flattering. But I’m warning them, If they keep playing by Chicago rules, they are going to become more familiar with those rules than they want. I’m just passing this on for their own good. I hear rumblings from Toes’ bunker.

Anyway, I know that the “hike” looked more like an FBI crime scene,

but I assure you it was just part of Lady M’s Let’s Move Our Fat Behinds! campaign. No, silly. Not hers. The cops and press ‘corpse.’ So of course she and Big Guy participated. Enough of that chatter about her not practicing what she preaches. What? Oh, the ribs and cornbread. Well, she and Big Guy came to N.C. to pretend they were taking a “middle class” vacation, so what do you expect them to eat, haute cuisine? That’s later, back at the  “middle class” resort.

Boy, what exactly is there not to like about the middle class?

 

Are we having fun yet?  

 

 

 

 

 

And in other news: as you can see, the polls have closed and big, big, congratulations to Funky Town! Official congratulations and the coveted Golden Flotus will be awarded later today.

Also later, I’ll be posting my special tribute to brother Hub. It’s  a beauty! You’ll want to come back to watch.

Weekend Warriors

Off for a romantic weekend in Ashville:

Black tights, check

Black mini shift, check

Skinny mini-sweater, check

Stack of dead animal parts bangles, check

Oversized designer sunglasses, check

Chartreuse and orange oversized designer bag, check

Robin’s egg blue ballerina slippers,check

 

left-footed doofus, check

Have a good time, you two hard-working Americans! We’ll be holding down the fort back here at the Big White. ( I sure hope there aren’t any nuclear attacks while you’re out.)

Changing the Light Bulbs on Wall Street

So there are multiple theories about why Big Guy went to yell at Wall Street yesterday at Coopers Union.

Big Guy enshrined at Coopers Union

1. He needs to demonize Wall Street in order to get everyone’s ire up so they will support Big Guy’s financial reform bill. 2. He’s outraged by the investment banks irresponsible sales of derivatives (clue on this one: although Toxic Timmy has tried over and over, Big Guy doesn’t understand derivatives well enough to be outraged) 3. So he can check it off his to do list. 4. He hates capitalism/business. (That one’s just crazy. Did you see how many kroner's he made last year, selling his book in the free market?)

I’ll tell you a secret. It was none of the above. If he was really mad, he would have worn his purple tie. His purple tie means “you will do as I (or my puppet master) say, or else”  But he wore his blue tie.

That one always means “I’m going to yell at you, but don’t worry, we’ll work this out so it’s a win-win.”  It was really a twofer for Big Guy: he looked like he was whacking Goldman AND it completely diverted the  MSM’s attention away from the report coming out of The Office of the Actuary of Medicare  which finds that Obamacare will increase, not decrease, health care costs! Boy, who could have seen that one coming?

Anyway, it’s working out pretty well, because today everyone’s talking about how Big Guy’s going to clean up Wall Street by setting up a brand new agency to regulate Wall Street.

Unfortunately some of them are also talking about the SEC, an existing agency that’s supposed to be doing just that. It appears that while Wall Street burned, the SEC fiddled -  so to speak. But big deal, so they watched a little porn on the job, so what? As long as they got their work done, right? 

We also had an Earth Day reception at Big white later in the evening, as Lady M told the kids yesterday at BYKTW day:

“For Earth Day. Oh, I think we're having a reception this evening. Sometimes it's hard for me to keep up with all the things that we're doing. There's a reception here this evening for Earth Day.”

And Sasha brought home some energy-efficient bulbs that we have to put in the house. So we're going to do some bulb replacement.”

Trying to remember what we’re doing for Earth Day

But Lady M must have gotten so busy changin’ those light bulbs that she forgot to attend the reception. Either that or it was just Big Guy’s turn to get all the photo ops.

Big Guy’s Planet Earth Day address. The people are out there, somewhere.

Planet Earth Lady with Big Guy 

So we’re busy packing for our romantic get away in Asheville, N.C. this weekend: at the posh Grove Park Inn. Just Big Guy and Lady M, no Wee Wons.They’ll be back at Big White putting the rest of those compact fluorescent light bulbs in.

The Return of the Malaise

Well, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. The new stylist is already history, and we’re back to our teeny tops and floral appliqués.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

 Wide-legged, high waisted trousers: We really are back to the Carter years!

So you’re probably wondering where all the adorable children came from. It’s national take your kid to work day, and Big White staffers all pitched in to make it a huge success. TYKTW Day is a venerable American holiday that began in the 90’s as “take your daughter to work day”  because, I guess, girls didn’t have enough role models of working mothers. Even though all the girls who got to go to work with their Moms had a working mother. But TYDTW day only lasted a few years, and then the boys started whining about having to go to school while their sisters got to go to work with Mom, and all the HR Departments said TYDTW was discriminatory… well I think you get the picture. Hoisted by their own petards.

Lady M, as you see, used the occasion to get all the little children to participate in her “Let’s Move your Fat Behind.” Everyone did fine with the exception of Bo, who got a time out. I think maybe it would have been a better idea if Lady M had just brought Sasha and Malia.

Bo’s time out. Right next to Lady M’s throne. 

We are sticking with the slack concept for awhile, to see how it works out. It certainly makes getting caught on camera in one of our awkward basketball bench poses a lot less viral.

Big Guy had a great day too, but I’ll have to cover that under a separate post – as well as the swell 40th annual Earth Day celebration at the Big White. I thought maybe former Vice President and fellow Nobel Laureate Al Gore would drop by, but so far he’s a no show. He’s probably working on his Global Densification movie.

American IdOl: Do Kroners Come With That?

So let’s start with the most important news: Big Guy and Lady M on American Idol. Huge Hit. What could be better than Big Guy telling his homies, that “you're all my dawgs!" Or was he talking about greedy titans of Wall Street? Then Lady M tosses out this admonition:  "and Simon, be nice!" and even though she did it in that menacing way of hers, I doubt that Simon will pay attention. He’s a British citizen, and isn’t really frightened by MO because he’s worked with lots of fashion forward prima donnas in his day.

But of course the really big news yesterday was the Red Suit with the sequined low rider top. We’re trying out a new stylist this week, but apparently she ordered the wrong size.

As you can see, it pretty much fits everywhere, which is not one of our signature looks. Also, no belts, boob or otherwise, so our tiny waist is, well, wasted. No brooches made out of dead animal parts, insects or even fashionable flowers. The only thing she got right were the silver slippers and the low scoop-neck tank with sparkly pink and red dots. But as you see here, the suit was fitted well enough to allow us to get those kids fat behinds moving without much awkward pulling and bunching. That usually means it doesn’t fit right.

And when MO does her Atlas impersonation, she likes to flash her toned forearms, in an act intended to intimidate the enemy (in this case, fat) into compliance. Hard to do with long sleeves.

 

 

All in all, I think I could work together with this un-named stylist, but I seriously doubt that she’s going to be around long.

We also had a meeting yesterday with a group of Olympians and Paralympians at the Big White: an amazing group of athletes, some with significant disabilities, who are among the best in the world. And guess what? They’re all proud of their country!

Proud Americans

 Apolo Ohno; check out that butt! (Someone slipped behind – no pun intended – the security line to get this booty shot, which is clearly off limits.)

Big day ahead: Earth Day, Wall Street Smack Down. I wonder if Big Guy’s going to wear his purple tie? I’ll get back to you after his “speech.”

Barry and the Jets

It’s always something with the right wing haters isn’t it? Now I see Jack Cashill is creating more trouble over at American Thinker, asking silly questions about “why don’t we ever hear from Big Guy’s old (pre-Lady M) girlfriends?” Just exactly what is he implying, anyway? That Big Guy’s gay? ha, ha, ha… oh. Really?  Well I don’t think so. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But really, I don’t think so. Toes, Gibbsy, Axe-man – I could see it,

  

 

But Big Guy? Come on!

   

Although he does spend more time gazing into my refracted reflective surface while applying mascara than any other POTUS ever did. Even Bill.

Meanwhile, in other Big White news: Lady M’s racking up both carbon and diversity credits for her choice in jewelry.

These lovely bracelets that she wore in Mexico by Monique Péan are considered "wearable art." They’re created from 100% recycled gold “supporting (Péan’s) belief that jewelry producers should reduce the demand for ‘dirty mining’ of precious metals. Additionally each gem stone used in her creations was obtained through free-trade and are devastation and conflict free.” Wow! Both sustainable and indigenous! Only Lady M could find such politically correct baubles. And so fashionable too. (And if you haven’t already read it, Dewey’s Armegeddon: Global Densification explains why “dirty mining” is destroying our planet.)

And lastly, don’t forget! Big Guy and Lady M will appear on American Idol tonight! “Idol Gives Back” is a two hour charitable event that has already raised more than $140 million for charities.

Big Guy and Lady M taping their segment for “Idol Gives Back”

This year, money is being raised for the Children's Health Fund, Feeding America,  (Is it just me, or do these two charities seem counter productive?) and Malaria No More, which is designed to send mosquito nets to Africa. (hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we just send them a few tons of DDT? I hear it kills those little sucker’s larvae instantly. And it’s really, really cheap. And no, it turns our it doesn’t really cause birds shells to thin after all. Who started that rumor?)

And guess who else is going to be on the show – the big get this year - Elton John! Oh dear, that’s not going to to do much to squelch those silly rumors.

Beyond that, there’s not much going on with Lady M this week. I think she’s detoxing. Either that, or it’s something she picked up in Mexico.

When Snarks Attack: 5

It’s Ba-ack! Yup, as I promised, my world famous Golden FLOTUS Award contest is back and better than ever. Isn’t everything that comes back better than ever?

Well, as you know, it’s been a while since my last big contest in February. And, as always, there have been goodles of great snarks posted. I can resume my Golden FLOTUS Awards because Big Guy finally released my super-secret nominating committee from their Obamacare Congressional bribery get-out-the-vote duties. I don’t know how long I’ll have them, or how much of their time I will get. Big Guy reminded me that he has ordered that a Bank Bailout/Take-Over 2 Financial Regulatory Reform bill be “on my desk” by the end of the month. Then we’ve got Cap & Tax Trade, SEIU Card Required Check, Comprehensive Amnesty Immigration Reform, VAT and a whole bunch of other “crisis” related stuff to get done. And, thanks to the haters in the Tea Party, we’ve probably only got until November.

But, enough Inside baseball stuff, on with the show.

As always, there were many, many snarks that I feel bad about not having in the finals. I wish all your snarks could win. But, as we all know, in the real world, everybody doesn’t win ... even if you are all winners in my book.

And now, in alphabetical order (for you trolls that means words that begin with  a, then b, then c, etc.) the nominations for the Golden FLOTUS, When Snarks Attack-5:

When Snarks Attack-5 Nominees

March, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. Amy:  "Is This an Easter Miracle?"

It's totally Karl Marx. Maybe it's an editorial comment from the cover layout designer person. "Help! I'm a conservative trapped at Newsweek!"

2. Anonymous: How High?

Moobs!

3. bettyann: Michelle Obama: FLOTUS, Over-Achiever ...

MOTUS, if she's showing cleavage, don't forget to remind her majesty to wax her chest.

"sniff"

4. Funky Town: Scary Movie Night

Well I'm wondering why a woman with a butt that ate Cincinnati thinks she can talk to the rest of the country about how to eat!

5. Lynn: Big White Tea Party Today

I can so see MO in the "border" outfit. Skirt short enough to show thigh, enough roominess to wear two belts (one boob, one not), thigh high black boots (she has a pair) to match the manly style shades and hat. And, it will go so well with the nunchucks (my personal favorite).

6. Madame DeFarge: Big White Tea Party Today

I certainly did my best on voting the Chicago way for Nutchucks, MOTUS. A lesson for the future...vote earlier as well as often.

7. Mrs. P : How High?

MOTUS, I know that you're The Mirror but maybe, just maybe some Windex is in order. That's not a wife beater. It's a training bra.

8. PortiaElizabeth: Is This an Easter Miracle?

I saw that image and, what with my cold and all, thought of the Smith Brothers. Or could it be a salute to ZZ Top? "She's got legs. She knows how to use 'em..."

9. Suzette: Is This an Easter Miracle?

I am more concerned that she's letting her "angry eyebrows" grow back in.

10. vereteno : The Phoebe Effect

We are on correct way, comrades!

The polls are open now and will remain open until 11:59 PM, Friday, April 23rd.” As always, Chicago rules” are in effect. Vote early, vote often.

May the Best Snark win.

PS. Has anyone heard from Vereteno? She hasn’t checked in since Obamacare passed, and, as you may recall, she was very depressed about the U.S. turning into the old U.S.S.R. We may need to send out a search party. After all, who better to snark on our comrades in the Big White than someone who’s been down that road. Come back Vereteno!

PPS. Just so you know: due to budget cuts (until we get the VAT) Big Guy cut all Big White polls back to monthly from our previous weekly schedule. But I’ve already cached tons of really snarky April comments for next month’s contest. And there are lots of new nominees coming up!

Oprah D-Oprah Redux

You remember the unfortunate Oprah D-Oprah cover incident don’t you?

 

That was back when Lady M and Oprah were feuding over whose fault the embarrassing Copenhagen Olympic rejection was. Oprah was really torqued off because she doesn’t like to attach her brand to Epic Fails (the O’s might want to explore this aversion a bit.) But since Big Guy told her that the Olympic bid  “was in the bag”  she assumed that he had done his part to ensure that the goon squad had made all the proper payments. Big Guy, though, thinking that since he Won, we didn’t have to pay. Boy, talk about being naive!

But I think that’s finally behind us. Oprah has decided that – even though she’s the most fabulously wealthy woman in the whole world – it’s still good to have friends in high places. And she’s starting to figure out, after the Diplomacy Czarina tour,

that this O-regime is going for an endless dynasty, like they do in South America.

So, Oprah sent over a boxed set of the not-yet-released Discovery channel’s HD DVD “Life” series that she narrated. Since we didn’t have anything else planned yesterday, thinking we’d be in Poland for President Lech Kaczynski’s funeral, we decided to have an unscheduled movie night. We had to wait for Big Guy to get back from his unscheduled golf game, honoring the memory of President Kaczynski’s tragic death. Did you know that this made 32 rounds of golf for Big Guy in his not quite 15 months in office? I only mention this because it indicates the great balance BO manages to work into his life. Especially compared to GWB, who only managed 24 rounds in his entire 8 years! Talk about transformational.

So, we’re going to let bygones be bygones. We got our extra-buttered popcorn, Good’n Plentys and settled in to watch Oprah navigate the natural world.  After all, there’s more that joins us together than pulls us apart. For example, in addition to us all being African Americans from Chicago, there’s the fact that Lady M and Oprah share the same fabulous Chicago-based stylist: 

 

But I digress. Here’s my review of the nature series: if you get this DVD set for Mothers or Fathers Day, you should definitely watch it with the sound off.  Alternatively, don’t open it and exchange it for the BBC version narrated by David Attenborough. Here’s the bottom line: for a woman who made her fortune - and I mean $fortune$ - with her big fat yap, you’d think she’d be better at reading. Oh, I suppose it isn’t all that bad, if you don’t mind being talked down to by a second grade teacher. But why would you want to waste all the beautiful photography with such patronizing, trite, over-heated babble? Don’t we already have enough of that around here?

You can check out the video yourself, if you’re feeling up to it.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

What does an over-worked, underpaid NASA designed trans-imaging mirror dream of when she’s off the clock? Dream along with me, FOM’s and MOL’'s, dream along:

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes: Eilene Woods

Click here, for a sentimental trip:

…to a place and time where style demanded more than shower curtains, upholstery fabric and industrial strength Spanx.

Where real men did not eat quiche, homosexuals were all nice, and often funny, metrosexuals did not exist and only transvestites wore manliner and mascara.

Where manners were taught, in order to avoid giving the impression of a deep lack of consideration for others.

Protocol required, at a minimum, that you file your taxes. Also that gifts not be all about you. And that you not snub invitations from the Head of State of Norway or the Head of Government of France for a date night. Nor that you humiliate the Prime Minister of Israel, because you’re having a snit.

Fashions were designed to showcase the human body to best effect, not reveal all the imperfections - large and small - in excruciating detail.

The Academy Awards was a show the whole family could watch. And enjoy.

Airline travel required your best clothes, and you needn’t empty your pockets or remove your shoes before being full body x-rayed simply for the privilege of boarding a dirty, smelly air craft.

Brides still feigned virginity on their wedding day, dressing more like a princess than a slut.

Back when you could tell the difference between movie stars and politicians, but neither would have been mistaken for a common street thug.

Our President was fighting communism, instead of implementing it.

*sigh*

Well, a girl can dream...maybe I am Cinderella. Except, no mice around here. Just rats.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

Did I tell you I think I can make my dreams come true? Don’t tell anyone.