Jiffy Pop Girls & Bloggergeddon

BLOGGER OUTAGE UPDATE:

It looks like we’re intermittently back on-line, but we don’t know for how long. I’m glad to see that one of my posts slipped through the ether. Bruno’s investigation continues. I hope my fingerprints (so to speak) aren’t on this.The mysterious outage affecting Google Blogger started last night as I was attempting to post pictures from our Ford Theater music celebration late-night working session. I know I was violating the embargo negotiated with ABC for the rights to broadcast the event as part of their 4th of July Celebration on the 2nd of July, but I think that shutting down Blogger is a bit of an overreaction.

In any event, I apologize to all my New Media colleagues who are affected by Lady M’s SS storm troopers response to my mistake.

I did had some goodies for you to enjoy last night. I hope you still can enjoy them tonight:

100% Organic Jiffy-Pop Girls popped fresh for the Show

The silver streak is from Reynolds Wrap’s “Jiffy-Pop Collection” featured in his Paris runway show this spring. I don’t think NASA could have created anything more fashion forward.

It could have been the SS jamming my signals, the newly active sun spots, my incomplete system recharge or all that tin foil, butt whatever it was, I am soooo sorry for this outfit!

Big Guy seemed a bit out of sorts. Maybe because Helen Thomas had been trying to get a hold of him all day. Something about Secret Service protection and a bag of money. Not sure, but I don’t think Toes let her talk to him. Anyway, by the time we left he was complaining of stomach pains.

 “SBD”?

I’m sure Berry felt he got away with one, but the poor guy sitting next to him …whew!

Idiot!

How many times does Lady M have to tell Big Guy to save the “Arsenio hoots” for movie nights at the Big White theater with Joey B and Gibbsy?

 Are You Listening to Yourself? Moron!

We couldn’t bring TOTUS to the performance so Big Guy had to “wing it.” That always means it’s going to take 10 times longer than appropriate. But between the winging it and the dyspepsia, he forgot to mention that yesterday was D-Day. But it’s not like it’s really important, like Jay-Z Day, or anything.

I really hope this Blogger outage is over soon, and that Bruno’s investigation into a potential “Mirror-caused Disaster” exonerates me.  Everybody on Blogger is affected and a really big thread of complainers has developed. The best suggestion to Blogger for resolution came from the blogprof at 7:17AM: "Plug the damn hole!"

That’s always good advice, blogprof. Maybe you can help stop Big Guy’s oil leak too.

The Silver Streak: Unsafe at Any Speed-O

Mrs. BOw Dangles

Well, another weekend and that damn hole is still not plugged.

But we’ve not been resting. As you’ll see, we’ve been working diligently on establishing our New Won World Order.

Sunday afternoon we hosted a reception at the Big White to honor the historic Ford’s Theatre. Apparently - and much to the Won’s surprise - there WAS history before his first historic Administration!

Later we went to the actual historic theatre for another concert and show. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was actually assassinated at the Ford’s Theatre? Neither did Big Guy! He must have been working on the Harvard Law Review the day they covered that.

We struck a deal with ABC to broadcast the whole show as a July 4th special which will be, inexplicably, aired on July 2nd. First we changed the date of Washington’s and Lincoln’s Birthdays, then Memorial Day and now this? Is nothing sacred around here any more? Other than Kobe beef, I mean?

The show was yet another star-struck event: Ty Burrell, Kelly Clarkson,  Renée Fleming, George Lopez, Lionel Richie, Robin Roberts, Dick Van Dyke and, oh yeah, The Soldiers' Chorus of the United States Army Field Band –because we’re celebrating the 4th of July. On June 6th - or July 2nd… even I’m confused now.

 

Kelly arrives at Ford’s. I see we’re doing the pudge again this season.

 The Silver Streak: Unsafe at any speed-O 

There will be prizes awarded at the performance: The Lincoln Medal will be awarded to South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu and to South African Constitutional Court Justice Albie Sachs. After Sir Pall’s award last week you might think that we’re running out of Americans deserving of receiving our awards, but really, that’s not it. It’s just that in order to implement our New Won World Order we must exhibit a willingness to buy their votes too.

Whew! Big Guy finally found something that he agrees with George W.Bush on: this governing stuff is hard!

Designer concept: unclear

When Snarks Attack: 7

It’s June, so that must mean it’s time for the May edition of my world famous When Snarks Attack competition!

Once again, my super-secret nominating committee had a hard time narrowing the mountain of snarks to fit the ballot. This month, we are offering up for your consideration a baker’s dozen of the snarkiest snarks. So, without further adieu, and in alphabetical order, here are your May 2010 When Snarks Attack: 7 nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-7 Nominees

May, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“. . . that pin looks like something my sea cucumber vomits to keep the cleaner shrimp busy. . .”

2. Cinderella: "Fashionista Rip Off"

“MOTUS,

WTH is that thing sitting on Christina Hendrick's shoulder? A dead animal? A tumor? Something the designer picked from the a trash can behind an autopsy lab? What is it?”

3. Don Rodrigo: "Big Food, Big Prints"

“Fascinating, the dynamics of the Fashionista, whether that be Michelle Antoinette herself, or Sarah Jessica Cyranose:
Half the time they look passably elegant, and the other half of the time they look like freakin' circus clowns.”

4. Florida Girl: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“Demi-tyrant has Buddha belly. Tyrant is twice as tall with Buddha bottom!!!!!”

5. Janice: "Hemlines: They’re a lot like borders"

“. . . It is called proctocraniology. In other words, her head is shoved so far up her ass, she can't help but make those faces.”

6. Labwriter: "Moles, Polls and Controlled Fat Rolls"

“I'd rather have a mammogram than wear that blue dress.”

7. Madame DeFarge: "Primer Fiesta Mexicano Histórico"

“Gosh, MOTUS! Serving Mexican food to Mexicans...seems a bit like carrying coals to Newcastle. . .”

8. MJ: "Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

“If I throw a stick, will they leave?”

9. Moright: "Clarabell vs Ronald McDonald: 9th Circus Court of ...

“And so the grim Socialists took the Happy out of Happy Meals. Their plan to eradicate all joy remains on track. . .”

10. PortiaElizabeth: "Monday Morning Food Fight"

“I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.”

11. Sine Qua Non: "Are We Having Fun Yet?"

“And The Won is beaming with excitement at the thought of sneaking plenty of cigs on the family back porch.
Ooops, given Mo-Mo's growing assets, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned a "back porch." My bad.”

12. srdem65: "Revving Up for Motown"

“I'm hoping that it's not my fault...I usually turn my keyboard upside-down every morning and shake out any lurking trolls but, you know...a senior moment or two and I forget. Sorry”

13. Suzette: "Potty Break Posting"

“I just love how she always has some kind of theme going on. This time, she looks like someone Kirk would fall in love with when he beams down to a planet full of shiny blue women with tails.”

Congratulations to this month’s nominees! The polls will remain open until 11:59PM, Tuesday, June 8, or until ordered to do so by a Court of Controlling Legal Authority. As always, Chicago rules apply. So, vote early and vote often. Pander to your base and get the vote out!

May the best snark win, or at least be offered an important, but unpaid advisory position, to drop out of the running!

Soak the Rich

Boy, are Lady M and Big Guy ever cranked.

Apparently Joey B and Dr. Jill threw a party on Saturday and didn’t even invite POTUS and FLOTUS. Tacky, since Smootie has invited the Bees to almost every big party that we’ve ever had here.

Joey and Jill invited mostly relatives, staff and - of course – the press. I think they just assumed Big Guy would be busy plugging that damn hole.

But it sure looks like it would have been fun.

Rahmbo brought his uzi back with him from the Holy Land and uses it to attack the big mouth press corp(se) who has now decided that Israel is the Great Satan.

Joey is gunned down by a Palestinian peace activist.

 

Yikes, I sure hope that’s a water gun that the young manneken pis is brandishing.

Frankly I’m glad we weren’t invited. All that moisture tends to give me sudden system freeze-ups for days after wards. But that’s beside the point. All I can say is don’t expect an invitation to our next party either, Dr. Jill and Joey.

Have You Seen My Clapper?

Did you see that Big Guy just named a new Director of National Intelligence?

It’s retired Air Force Lt. Gen. James R. Clapper Jr.. I think he’s probably best known as the inventor of the world famous hand activated on/off switch, as seen on tee vee.

The Clapper! Clap on! Clap off!

Boy, I can think of any number of ways this will come in handy around here.

Visiting dignitaries and celebrities:

Shut up and sing! Or write. Or whatever it is you do.

Natural disasters:

 Shut off the damn volcano!

un-natural disasters:

 Shut your damn mouth!

 Shut off the damn leak!

Wow! This was an ingenious appointment. Planned future applications include shutting down North Korean and Iranian nuclear programs, all hostile rightwing internet sites, FOX news, Rush Limbaugh and talk radio.

Lady M also thinks it will be useful around here.

And by the way, Lt. General Clapper’s other credentials include involvement with local law enforcement agencies:

The Great Clapper Caper: 1968

One Toque Over the Line; Chef’s Day at the White House

You’re going to get a kick out of this. Remember the Doc Flock we assembled before Big Guy’s “big f#@%ing  deal” (Joey’s words, not mine) healthcare passed?

Staff hands out white coats to docs assembled at the Big White

Well, we had a lot of left over white coats (like about 1000) because we couldn’t get as many doctors as we thought to show up to pose as useful idiots for Big Guy’s photo op. So, in the spirit of our “we’re all about green” recycling program, we just re-purposed them for our chefs-against-your-child’s-fat-behind program; or Stock Pot Schlock as I like to call it.

We asked the chefs to bring their own toques so everyone could see they were chefs. We didn’t want people thinking we were trying to shove more medical plans down their throats, but as you can see chefs are rather absent minded, disrespectful and irresponsible. Kind of like Helen Thomas.

Lady M’s wearing one of her new signature, uh, interesting visible back zippers. The racing stripe motif seems to be making a comeback for some reason.

The front of the blouse is interesting too, although it was solid white when we left the East Wing. But due to an unfortunate incident involving a blender, a missing cover and Rachael Ray we wound up with some cutting edge avant-guarde food art.

 

Rear View Just For You

  Raspberry, blueberry mint frappe! Yum-o!

Ray Ray Channeling Oprah

Here’s tee vee chef Rachael Ray, getting ready to prepare one of her famous 30 minute meal miracles: sea-green smoothies. Like Lady M, she spends more time talking about vegetables than she does actually eating any of them.

Peacock Blue. And Green. All Organic

It hardly seems possible, but it’s time for our second annual “first historic toxic organic garden peacock harvest.” Technically, last year’s first harvest was much later, but it was so successful we planted a special early-harvest variety this year.

 

Remember last year’s peacock harvest? We wore, what else, peacock blue and our world famous fashion icon boob belt.

This year, we went one better and wore peacock blue and green and replaced the boob belt with a Madonna style bra.

But the harvesting technique was pretty much the same; 

We did have a few heart stopping moments when Little Mo got tangled up in the root structure of Lady M’s peacock tails.

That’s Little Mo, inside the blue circle. You remember:  he escaped from the whirling jaws of Ricky’s blender at the big State Mole Fiesta dinner we threw for Felipe who came to town to tell us how to  operate our open border more effectively. Don’t worry, Little Mo  escaped from Ricky’s kitchen and Big Guy’s speech (something no one else has done so far) so he had no problem hauling tail out of Lady M’s roots. As a precaution though, I’m placing MO’s toxic garden off limits on harvest days.

  This is when Little Mo made his break.

And please, no questions about the choice of harvest attire. I just work here.

Put a Plug in it

After the big party Wednesday night, yesterday seemed pretty ho-hum. Except for the fact that Big Guy and Lady M were summoned to the children’s school: Apparently, we got in trouble for keeping the girls up too late the night before.

You can tell it must have been an important appointment at the girls school, because Lady M dressed up (mostly) like a grownup, put on her best Oprah face and brought grandma with her - who seems to be emulating Lady M’s casual summer hairstyle.

The Sidwell school cut the O’s some slack when they heard that the concert was held by Sir Pall - a legend of rock and roll. And I guess it didn’t hurt that he took the opportunity to make a joke about a former Republican President  not being very smart.

This from a guy once arrested for trying to smuggle dope into this country? And who was so dumb he married a gold-digger without executing a pre-nup? He must be a certified MENSA member.

 

 

I think we should  get Sir Pall together with James Cameron to fix that BP leak in the Gulf. In addition to both of them being certified geniuses, they’re eminently qualified: Cameron did Titanic and Sir Pall did “I’m Fixing a Hole.”  And since they both have a lot of experience with altered states, maybe they can do it with special effects. 

Daddy, can you plug this hole while you’re at it?

Wons Forever? Na, Na, Na, Na, NaNaNaNa

I have broken through the embargo on rear shot of the Byron Lars hoodie Lady M wore last night. I hacked into this video clip which the Wons promised PBS would not be shown until the special airs on the network you all own, later this year.

I’ll set the stage: Sir Pall asked the crowd to show their love for the Wons by singing a song of hope for their re-election.

Party on, dudes. Who knows when the music will stop.

I’ve Got Pictures!

Here’s the best I can get for you. Petey Souza is like the Grinch when it comes to releasing his pictures. And since he’s the only one allowed to TAKE pictures at these special parties, he exercises complete artistic control - in our most transparent Presidency evah!

 

As you can see, the drapey thing is going to give us problems, but nice belt and bangles. Back later if I can get my hard drive on anything else.

Technorati Tags: michelle obama,paul mccartney,white house

Sir Pall: NOT the Cerebral One

I promised I wouldn’t repeat this but, due to popular demand, here’s what Sir Pall said at the love-fest here last night:

“A few minutes after the concert, Mr. McCartney returned to the microphone, thanking the Library of Congress and adding, “After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is.”

If his implication was that Big Guy, unlike GWB, knows how to read, I can shed some light on that. First, GWB was actually a voracious reader, but mostly he kept it to himself. It was speaking that sometimes tripped him up. Big Guy however – well, he reads every day. And I think we all know by now just how well he can read.

 

 

And one last word on Sir Pall – no wonder John was known as the “cerebral one.” And that was a real stretch too.

 This is your brain on drugs

I’m still working on the still images of Lady M and the Wee Wons –it’s just that I’m having a little trouble with all that “draping.” I’m hoping to have something for public release a bit later.

Sir Paul and the Taxman

Last Night Big Guy bestowed the Library of Congress Gershwin Prize for Popular Song on Sir Paul McCartney. Apparently this prize is not reserved strictly for Americans, even though it is named after an iconic American music man. Global economy, one world order and all.

Sir Paul and the Taxman – Back in the USSR

In return, Sir Paul said a few good words about his host, telling ABC yesterday  “I’m a big fan. He’s a great guy.So lay off him. He’s doing great.”  Then before he sang – surprise – Michelle, he told Big Guy that he’s got “billions of us rooting for you.” Unfortunately most of them are in the Middle East, and won’t be able to vote in the next election unless we get that Immigration Reform Bill passed. Then Sir Paul made a really snide remark about President George W. Bush. He must consider himself an honorary member of our MSM. I think I’m beginning to understand why Sir Paul won our American Music award.

So then Big Guy, who finally got the memo from Toes telling him to act like he’s really concerned about the catastrophic oil spill, ruined a perfectly fun evening by bringing it up and trying to act all empathetic. Apparently that’s what’s most important to his base - empathy. The effort wasn’t totally successful, in my opinion. Big Guy can certainly spin the truth convincingly, but acting? Emotions? Not so much.

We did have lots of famous people here for the award ceremony and concert: Faith Hill, the Jonas Brothers, Elvis Costello Jerry Seinfeld and Herbie Hancock. Originally Maureen Dowd was going to come but she mysteriously disappeared from Smootie’s official list after yesterday’s column in which she had the audacity to criticize the dope President. She said that “Woe-is-me is not an attractive narrative.” Probably because it’s most often referred to as petulance – a characteristic more often associated with 5 year olds than the leader of the free world.

It’s probably just as well Modo didn’t come to the party. Knowing that “separated at birth” is one of MSM’s favorite parlor games, they probably would have been cracking themselves up all night long.

A couple of old prunes related only by the fact that neither have  been relevant for decades, and neither of them are aging particularly well.

 

   

And of course Lady M was in attendence: hello! The whole evening was planned around Sir Paul’s signature song. I’ll have to put her pics up in the morning though: they need a bit of touching up and my batteries need to be recharged so I’m powering down for the night.

Harry’s Desert Daycare Camp

OK, now she’s just screwing with me. There are simply some things a FLOTUS simply should never even consider. Conducting a desert exercise program with an endangered octogenarian is one of those things.

 Curtains, bed skirt, placemats and an old rag

First of all, who takes an exercise program outdoors in June, when “outdoors” is the middle of a freaking desert?  And does this look like an outfit that anyone would exercise in - anywhere? That’s a silk skirt, people. Silk. In the middle of the desert. With the bed skirt and placemat thrown on top to make our “movement” more colorful. Or something.

As long as I’m venting, I might as well show you the rest of the “Let’s Move our daycare program for Harry Outside” photo ops. 

  I Can Fly! Las Vegas Edition

Lady M and Harry Reid perform their advanced mime routine.

Well, that should lock up the mime vote on the Strip for old Harry. So we’ve got that going for us. Campaigning for losers used to be a lot easier when all we had to do was call ACORN and let them know what we needed.

I know MO’s still ticked off about the baby doll pictures that slipped out from yesterday morning’s Women’s Conference in Reno. But I don’t think that clowning around in the desert at high noon with an old has-been politician is a very mature way to express our displeasure. 

And besides, I’m not the one who pulled the peach PJ dress out of the closet and exclaimed “Oohh! This will be perfect for addressing a crowd of business women in the middle of the morning!”

 

Trust me, even the matching coat with the boob belt would have been better.

And just for the record, it’s really not the humidity. It’s the heat.

 

 

 

Believe me Harry, I know exactly how you feel. I think I’m getting a double migraine.

Honey, Where’s That Carbon Credit Card?

Well, yes, I’m afraid it’s official. Algore and the Tipster are busting up their previously happy home of 40 years.

It doesn’t seem right, after what they’ve been through together: providing the inspiration and template for Erich Segal’s best seller and huge hit  movie, “Love Story,” inventing the InterWeb, inventing Global Warming.

 

The Tip, back when she looked like Melanie Griffith, before the surgery (Melanie’s not Tipper’s). And cute little Algore. He had issues with his carbon foot prints even back then.

 

 

Melanie, age 15

Geeze, if it can happen to little over-achievers like them, it can probably happen to anyone. Don’t you think?

Anyway, I will always remember them as they were back in the good old days of the Clinton Administration. Boy, those were halcyon days. Back then the only environmental spill we had to worry about took place in the oval office. And even though we had the Bosnian War to deal with, at least we knew who the real enemy was and our soldiers were allowed to use real bullets.

But don’t let me get nostalgic, it always clouds up my peripheral monitors and something bad slips right by me. Like this:

Oh dear, baby doll pajamas. In the morning. With pearls. 

But I digress. Back to the previously happiest couple in America (a title now officially held by Big Guy and Lady M).

When we were very young, and bad things – like hanging chads – hadn’t happened to us yet.

I’m just wondering if Algore really thought this breakup thing through. I mean, now that they’re both going to have to maintain their own separate gazillion dollar mansions and private jets, isn’t that going to, like, double the collective ex-team-Gore carbon footprint? How is that going to be good for the planet? How is this man ever going to sleep at night again?

I see a ton of carbon credits in this amicable divorce settlement.