MOTUS A.D.: Return of the Grinch

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Return of the Grinch

There have been comments regarding Lady M “laying low” since she landed Air Force Won Too here on the Big Island. Some have gone as far as to speculate that she’s embarrassed by the $4 million price tag attached to the family’s holiday.

Nothing could be further from the truth! It’s just our way of showing confidence in Big Guy’s ability to get the American economy out of the ditch that the Republicans drove it into - and now want to keep it in for political purposes.

In fact, she’s just taking the opportunity to get “spruced” up a bit for her annual beach foray, and - of course - for Big Guy’s historic arrival.

So far she’s been following the Daily Mail’s advice in order to look her best for all of the holiday festivities we have lined up:

GET A WRAP: The Universal Contour Wrap is a mummifying mud treatment that’s a tried-and-tested favourite for quick, all-over weight loss.

You’re wrapped in bandages that minimise water retention and the makers say you are guaranteed to lose up to six inches where it matters after just one 60‑minute treatment or your money back.

Well, that’s a wrap, butt possibly not the area “where it matters” most, if you know what I mean:

GET A MASSAGE: Elemis’s Fennel Cleansing Cellulite and Colon Therapy has an abdominal massage that works wonders in reducing fluid retention, while the fennel and birch all-over body mask, combined with drainage massage technique, smooths the appearance of cellulite and boosts circulation.

Or you can buy one of these patented Alaia tummy massage belts that does all the work for you: Hurry, while supply lasts!

CURB CARBS, SALT AND DAIRY: Follow the lead of Jennifer Aniston and Liz Hurley and avoid carbs, salt and dairy on the day of a big party.

Does ice cream have any carbs in it? Or dairy?

EAT STRATEGICALLY: For breakfast, have some watermelon and for lunch and dinner a small amount of chicken with vegetables or salad. The water in the fruit and vegetables will fill you up. But avoid sprouts, which can leave you bloated. If want a snack, try a spoonful of almond butter.

Organic veggies are good, butt none of the cruciferous ones, as they cause {{{gas}}}

Sorry Little Mo, no broccoli before hitting the beach

AVOID GUM: As you chew gum, you swallow air, which causes bloating and belly expansion. Even sugar-free gum contains sweeteners which are thought to make you retain water.

Also, according to some dermatologists, the repetitive movements of chewing build up your jaw muscles, so your face looks wider.

If you smoke, stop for the day — swallowed or gulped air is the biggest single cause of bloating.

Got that: swallowing air = bloating. Not good with foil frocks.

GET UP AND GO WALKING: After each meal, go for a brisk walk for at least five minutes. Moving your body helps release air that has been trapped in your digestive system.

“Air trapped in your digestive system?” EEEUUU! I KNOW what that means!!!!! “What goes down, must come out.”

Stand clear!

ONLY DRINK STILL WATER: Avoid caffeine, alcohol and fruit juices — their high acid content can irritate your gastro-intestinal tract, causing swelling. Fizzy drinks bubbles distend your tummy.

Is there any still water in red wine? Or Alcohol?

GET A TAN: Stars such as Jennifer Lopez count on looking 5lb thinner by getting a spray-tan. If you’re baring your legs in a dress, try extra misting on the inner and outer legs to make them look narrower.

Hello! Spray Tan? We practically invented the color “toast” for cripes sake. And leg misting? You’re joking, right?

Shoes, legs and chair - all polished and gold leafed.       h/t Cripes Suzette

ENHANCE YOUR FEATURES: Use a cream bronzer under your jawline and cheekbones to make your face look more angular. Pulling your hair up into a high ponytail or a half up-do will create height and make your face look slimmer.



Fake it until you can afford to “make it” with the right $15,000 a day make-up artist



        At that price they can even take care of that “little-eye" thing

GET THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR: Control underwear is a girl’s best friend in the party season — it can transform your limbs from lumpy and bumpy to smooth and sleek. Pick the item which targets your problem area, be it lifting your bottom, flattening your stomach, slimming hips or defining your waist.



Remember: Industrial Strength Containment Systems are your friend

STAND UP STRAIGHT: The quickest way to look like you have dropped a dress size is to stop slouching. Stand tall, with your shoulders pulled back and down, and imagine a string is at the top of your head, pulling you upwards.

Do as I say little girl, not as I do.

What’s that damn string supposed to be attached to again?

So in the spirit of the unspecified Winter Holiday we’re here to celebrate, I can report that things are going swimmingly. We’re getting in the best shape of our life by following all of the Mail’s helpful tips. And Lady M would just like to “wrap it up” by joining the Grinch in saying to all of the little people out there who still believe in Santa Claus: “Bah Humbug”

h/t LookingSpoon via Gerard Vanderleun