The Perigee Has Landed

Yes, it’s true: Big Guy and Lady M, en familia arrived in Brazil coincident with the the largest full moon of the year.

A perigee moon is large enough to influence tidal events

I believe the trip was specifically coordinated by State and Organizing for America to coincide with this event, but I’m unclear on the message this symbolism is  intended to send. Although I’m pretty sure that it had nothing to do with Lady M’s butt.

We did arrange for some supportive headlines/stories in advance of our departure:

Obama has Brazil swooning over arrival of a black president

“In Brazil, we have all kinds of culture, people, and our inner identity comes from black people,” said Melo, 47, a drug abuse counselor in City of God, a favela made famous by the Brazilian film of the same name. “That’s why I think Obama is important for the world, because a poor guy suddenly becomes the most important man in the world.”

Butt unfortunately not everyone in Rio reads the Washington Post. They were busy making their own headlines: Anti-Obama protest turns violent.

No, not Libya, Rio

Butt don’t worry, it was just a few racist Brazilians acting stupidly by throwing Molotov cocktails at the U.S. consulate in  protest of the imminent visit of Big Guy.

Racists demonstrating in Rio

Not that these anti-Obama sentiments had anything to do with it, butt our SS decided to move Big Guy’s big speech from the historic Cinelandia Plaza where we expected a half million worshipers, to a slightly smaller venue, the Municipal Theatre, where we will be able to seat 2000 fortunate, hand selected fans.

Apparently Brazil’s unions did not receive the memo from Richard Trumka, confirming BO’s union creds. We may have to provide a bona fide long form membership certificate.

Anyway, we got off on a good foot last night, everyone looking excited and happy to be off on spring break:

 

…and arrived this morning in Brasília, looking equally happy.

 

Of course this isn’t just a fun trip to South America. (Although we did get our favorite Air Force Won pilot to do a fly-by of the giant Jesus statue for us. Fly-bys have been sort of unofficially kiboshed since that unfortunate little flap over the Statue of Liberty. We didn’t think anyone would notice down here though.)

Anyway, this is “officially” a trade mission, as Big Guy told everyone in his pre-recorded Saturday radio address this morning:

"As we respond to these immediate crises abroad, we also will not let up in our efforts to tackle the pressing, ongoing challenges facing our country, including accelerating economic growth. That's why, over the weekend, I'll be in Latin America. One of the main reasons for my trip is to strengthen economic partnerships abroad so that we create good jobs at home,"

So, got that? We’re here to figure out how to tap into Brazil’s new found growth spurt. And oil. And to see if they will loan us Brazillions of dollars so we can continue to keep HOPE and CHANGE alive here at home.

St. Patrick’s Day: “Present” and Engaged

 The Wons with Ireland’s Prime Minister and his Mrs.

Last night we joined in the annual  “wearin’  ‘o the green” and partied down in the Big White with the leaders of the free leprechauns, Enda and Fionnuala Kenny.

When Irish (little) eyes are smiling

Does this Irish shamrock make my butt look small?

Where ever did you find that Keebler elves tree pin?

OK. Any more questions about why the Wons have spent the last 2 St. Patrick’s days partying with the Irish? Good. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

For example: everyone is starting to notice our MIA President. Last night Newtie, with the audacity of a dope, called Big Guy a “spectator-in-chief” who is presiding over “maybe the most passive and out-of-touch presidency in modern American history.”

That’s harsh.Somewhat true, but harsh.  Let’s review Big Guy’s position on recent situations that - in the past - would have been considered crises worthy of the attention of the U.S. President: 

The roll-call vote: I report, you decide

Egypt: “present,” eventually

Libya: “present” (sort of)

Bahrain: “present,” disengaged

Japan Earthquake: “present,” disengaged

Japan Tsunami: “present,” disengaged

Japan Nuclear disaster: MIA

Budget: MIA, but gave his proxy to Joey B, who promptly left for Russia

Unemployment: “present,” disengaged

Inflation: “present,” disengaged

Energy policy: “present,” spouting politically expedient lies

Golf: fully engaged

Parties: (Motown Review, Gridiron Club, etc.)thoroughly engaged

Fundraisers: hyper engaged  

Not, as the Washington Times helpfully points out, to imply that Big Guy hasn’t been busy:

None of this is meant to suggest Mr. Obama hasn’t been productive. He laughed it up at the Gridiron Club dinner, took a stand against schoolyard bullying and spoke on the radio about Women’s History Month. Over the weekend, he played his 61st round of golf as president and finalized his March Madness bracket picks, predictably avoiding controversy by choosing the four top seeds for the Final Four. On Monday, he attended a gathering of potential big-money donors at the St. Regis hotel that Democratic Party officials insisted was not a fundraiser. Sure, it was not a fundraiser; and the White House isn’t coming across as disconnected, weak, passive and paralyzed either.

Butt let’s be fair: Big Guy worked really,really hard to cram pass ObamaCare last year. He feels like he’s earned a little time off without being criticized by everybody from Hill to Jake Tapper.

Back when we were Community Organizing in Chief it was work, work, work to get out the vote, butt once you delivered your quotas you could take the 2 years off in between elections. This new reality is difficult to adjust to, and, frankly, so unfair.

Big Guy didn’t think anyone would notice his sabbatical as long as Lady M kept the press busy following her around as she made really important contributions to a “whole bunch of stuff” ranging from her victory garden to ending childhood obesity in one generation.

Anyway, we’re busy with damage control now, since Fox news is making such a big deal over Big Guy’s lack of leadership. No one will be able to accuse him of being MIA this weekend. He’ll be in Rio, baby! And you can take that to the bank.

EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE FROM LAST NIGHT’S ST. PADDY’S DAY PARTY: LADY M AND THE SASSY LASSIES (VAL-JAR, OPRAH, FANCY NANCY AND HIL) PERFORMING LIVE. NOT TO BE MISSED.

Beets? WTF.

Happy St. Patrick’s day! And top ‘o the mornin’ to you. We’re excited about the party we’re planning for the Irish Prime Minister tonight. Normally we don’t celebrate holidays honoring Catholic saints (other than St. Teddy Kennedy that is) butt because this feast day is “green” it  fits our re-election template perfectly.

And speaking of green: yes. Yesterday was the day we’ve all been waiting for: Lady M’s third historic planting of the Big White organic garden of good (blueberries) and evil (beets and broccoli.)

"Uh oh, the president doesn't like beets. But it's okay, we're an equal opportunity garden."

And then we moved on to the “c’s” cabbage, cauliflower, collards and chard. Planting everything from “a” (arugula, Big Guy’s favorite) to “z” zucchini ( good in chocolate zucchini bread, Lady M’s fave), this was not just a lesson in healthy eating and urban farming, butt a special tutorial in spelling. The kids who came to help with the planting got extra credit in English class, or, as the case may be, “English as a second language,” class.

Squatting while doing our plotting

We didn’t miss a “beet” in our on-going healthy eating campaign:

Obama encouraged the kids who helped her plant the fruits and veggies to urge their parents and grandparents to serve them at the dinner table.

Cuz without Lady M’s reminder, you know, nobody’s parent or grandparent would ever think of serving fruits and vegetables to kids.

The seedlings all arrived in little pots from a secret stash of heirloom seeds which are direct descendents of Thomas Jefferson’s original diversified garden patch at Monticello.

“The veggies were sprouted in the White House greenhouse in an "undisclosed location,"

Actually, the “undisclosed location” is the same place we grow Big Guy’s weed, butt you did not hear that from me. Nor can I disclose it’s location, butt little Mo wandered into it once by mistake and we didn’t hear from him for days. Don’t worry, he’s fine now.

Lettuce. Right.

Anyway, we spent about 15 minutes posing with the kids (who didn’t seem to have fat behinds) and plants. 

Lady M has grown so enamored of her organic garden spot (“It's been one of the greatest things I’ve done in my life so far.")  that she’s decided to write a whole book about it! Cuz plunking little plants in the ground is just so special. And hard to do without proper instruction.

Mrs Obama said: "We've gotten food out of the garden, and we can eat it and it's good.”

"So we wanted to share the story with the rest of the nation and perhaps with the rest of the world, because we get so many questions about the garden: How did we do it? Why did we do it? How do I do this in my own home or community?"

Because of Lady M’s heavy schedule, she’ll be using a ghost writer to help with the actual writing of the book. Same goes for the organic garden: we’ve hired ghost workers to do all the heavy lifting. I think that means the workers are undocumented voters forced to “live in the shadows.” Although they’re usually right out in the mid-day sun, so it’s possible I’m confused on that.

Now that we have the veggies tucked in for the growth season, we just have to wait till it gets a little warmer to plant our annual butterfly garden. Something went awry last year and our crop failed to thrive – an occupational hazard around here – so we didn’t have a harvest of butterflies for last year’s Halloween party like we did the year before. We suspected Monarch sabotage, and will be guarding against it this year.

Strangely,at this year’s spring planting we skipped the Gaia worship that we held during last years “Getting Back to our Roots” spring  ceremony. I guess Chef Kass’ rhubarb dance was a little over the top and didn’t test so well in our post-planting polling. So this year we just saluted our garden queen and let it go at that.

 Dressed for spring showers in our rain jacket and rain hair: both made of Gortex to shed water

I know you’re also interested in all of the critical events occurring on the international disaster front. At the risk of sounding cynical, it’s actually been beneficial to have all the natural and man-mad disasters stealing eyeballs this week. Otherwise people might focus on the the fact that inflation (quantitative easing) has fired up to Jimmy Carter levels and the housing market registered the steepest decline since 1984. Only in Washington could this be read as a postitve part of the WTF campaign.

Obamas Make History with Bold Choices

Yes, I know: Japan is in the middle of the meltdown of 4 nuclear reactors on the heels of a monster earthquake and biblical tsunami.  I’m aware that Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen and Libya remain a  tinderbox. Gas prices are up, food prices have skyrocketed nearly 4% in just one month – the most since 1974! There seem to be a lot going on in the world to set off the panic button. Butt I’m taking my cue from the Wons.

And their message is “stay focused on what’s important.”

So yesterday Big Guy nailed his brackets for ESPN and met with students for a photo op to promote his WTF campaign. And Lady M was busy promoting her No Child’s Fat Behind program, and recasting it as a supporting actor in Big Guy’s WTF campaign.

It fell to JJ to assure everyone that the Big White was still voting present:

The President is being kept up to date and is constantly being briefed by his national security staff.  The national security staff in the White House is also coordinating a large interagency response with experts meeting around the clock to monitor the latest information coming out of Japan.

Science Talent Search Finalists: OK, from the top: “Mmmm, mmm, mmm”

In our ongoing WTF campaign, Big Guy met with the 40 finalists in the Intel Science Talent Search - the American Idol for geeks. Some of the projects that were included in this year’s competition were: Automatic Parallelization through Dynamic Analysis and Traveling the Interplanetary Superhighway. Two initiatives Big Guy would get behind if he had any idea what they were.

The President congratulated the students for embodying what is needed to out-educate our global competitors, adding that as the next generation of scientists, engineers, and technological leaders, their success is crucial for America to win the future. 

This year’s finalists include 16 girls and 24 boys who represent 39 schools in 15 states and were selected from over 1,700 applications to ensure as politically correct a group as we we could get (not that we notice that kind of thing).

 Science Kids finalists. Strangely, no fat behinds or burkas here.

Big Guy’s photo-ops from his visit to Kenmore Middle School in Arlington, VA on Monday:

 

In a related Big White press release Big Guy talked up the creation of his i6 Green initiative (don’t ask what that stands for, no one around here knows either).

President Obama has given us a strong vision of what it’s going to take to win the future – that’s by out-innovating, out-educating and out-building the rest of the world…The truth is that in the 21^st Century, world economies are trying to do more with limited resources, and part of that ultimately means we can not have an energy sector that is rooted in the infrastructure of the past.

Got that? Carbon based fuels are sooooo last century. We’re on to wind, solar and nuclear and super-hamster technology. Because what better way to drive a $15 trillion economy in the 21st century than windmills?

  Man of la Mancha

Also yesterday, at her address to the National League of Cities Conference, Lady M introduced a new tack in her war on obesity.

Since everyone is suddenly all about economics and fiscal responsibility (where did that come from?) and because we’re now focusing on trying to keep every message focused on the central Big White Campaign 2012 theme, Winning the Future, she jumped on that bandwagon – you know, WTF?

“So make no mistake about it: When we talk about childhood obesity, we’re talking about the workforce that you’re trying to build,” she said. “We’re talking about businesses that you’re trying to attract. We’re talking about the budgets that you’re trying to balance each and every day.”

Lady M likes to recognize things that little people do “each and every day.” 

“…You’re uniquely positioned to put our communities on a stronger, healthier and more financially sound foundation for the future,” she said, echoing her husband’s “Winning the Future” mantra. “And that’s what really this effort is all about, in the end. It’s really about our future.”

I don’t get it, butt then, I’m not smart like Lady M, or Big Guy. Or David Plouffe.

In our new sense of fiscal responsibility we wore this little viscose jersey number that we originally wore (left) last Spring when Margarita was here.  We did get some nice new pearls, for the campaign season, to wear with it.

This dress does seem to bring out Lady M’s pugnacious tendencies. Maybe it’s the color: “Carmine”  She was pretty feisty, wasn’t she?

Any-hoo, don’t worry about the world crisis, we’re not. Big Guy’s got all his best advisors working on it. And we’re packin’ for spring break in Rio!

 Don’t worry, folks, Big Guy’s in the drivers seat. Watch out for that cliff ahead!

OMG, I almost forgot the boldest, most important presidential choices in history, let alone the last 48 hours:

• Duke
• Kansas
• Ohio State
• Pittsburgh

You can take that to the bank.

UPDATE: Big Guy may reconsider the weekend, and go to Japan to show his support.

Uh…pardon me guys, just playing through.

A Sartorial Preview of Campaign 2012

Since the news is so grim, and our grasp on it so slim, I was glad for the distraction afforded by Newsbird’s post on the PBS taping of the Big White’s Motown Review. It reminded me of a very pressing assignment I’d put on the back burner amidst all the bad news.

So yesterday Lady M and I spent the afternoon reviewing photos in order to begin to build an appropriate wardrobe for our 2012 Get Out the Vote for the Big White HOPE campaign.

We’ve identified several ensembles from our current wardrobe that seem to telegraph one or more appropriate campaign themes. So I’m just going to post them for your review and comments -  just in case we’re not actually in the middle of the Apocalypse, and will have to be hitting the campaign trail later this year. And because we can all use a little levity.

See what you think:

         

 

 

 

 

 

And two entries in our “Winning the Future” category:

 

 

 

 

Finally, two take-aways from the Motown Review:

 

Please pray for our Japanese friends.

“I Have a Dream”

Big Guy in his “Members Only” jacket at China’s Forbidden City

We live in dangerous times. I can tell. Especially when former supporters start saying things like this:

His responses range from halfhearted to wrongheaded. Nothing is working.

…and accusing Big Guy of “having hit a wall” and “being in over his head.” Something is amiss.

His proletariat is being run roughshod over in Wisconsin, the world is acting as if Big Guy is no longer the titular leader of the free world, and even the planet seems to be flipping off his assertion that his reign would would introduce the beginning of the earth’s healing.

And then this: his jokes at the Gridiron dinner fell a little flat and failed to get rave reviews too. This will not be tolerated. What do the people around here think we hire writers for? To make Big Guy look like a second rate comic? Heads will roll.

The one thing I know for sure is that the buck doesn’t stop anywhere around here. No wonder we packed Harry’s sign up and sent it back to his library in Missouri.

Not so much

With all this criticism, is it any wonder Big Guy dreams of being leader of China’s proletariat, instead of his own?

 

Mr. Obama has told people that it would be so much easier to be the president of China. As one official put it, “No one is scrutinizing Hu Jintao’s words in Tahrir Square.”

Now there’s an idea.

And Lady M seemed to be quite comfortable around the little Chinese people.

And she looks great in all tones of red

Plus, she already has Asian hair.

I’m not sure about the food, though. I think the Chinese meaning of the term “organic” is somewhat different from ours.  Butt she does like those little Chinese BBQ ribs.

So if our former compliant members of the MSM insist on continuing to report drivel like this:

He is a man of the faculty lounge who wants a blank slate so he can remake the nation into a more perfect place, as he sees it. Remember, he greeted his election with the messiah-like claim that future generations would say, "This was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal

But damn it, the country and the world won't cooperate. Because he has no significant experience that would give him a framework for any other response, he is reduced to vaporous platitudes that dispirit allies and embolden adversaries.

He wants America to be less exceptional and more like every other nation. He's uncomfortable with our status as the No. 1 superpower, as he made clear with his apology tours and by submitting to the lowest common denominator in the United Nations.

…Meanwhile, he punts on the budget mess, as if details are beneath him. On soaring gas prices, the purpose of his dreary Friday press conference, his policy seems to be peevishness that he must be bothered.

We might just pack up and take our patented “Winning!” on the road to China.

I’m going to go check Lady M’s closet for something appropriate, in case we have to pack quickly for a campaign appearance. Something traditional would be nice. Maybe something like this:

In the mean time, Big Guy’s gotta trudge through yet another day without a golf date. He’s got a full scheduley: he and TOTUS are going to a grade school in Virginia this morning to talk about the pressing need to change the “No Child left Behind”  (NCLB) bill – not to be confused with Lady M’s companion bill “No Child’s Fat Behind” (NCFB), both of which are vitally crucial to America’s future. And then later today, he’s meeting with the Prime Minister of Denmark:

"The President looks forward to discussing with Prime Minister Rasmussen the strong ties between the United States and Denmark, the common global and security challenges our two nations face, including counterterrorism, the situation in the Middle East and economic and environmental issues,"

Butt what he really intends to discuss with Denmark’s PM is what happened back in October of 2009 with that Olympic bid. He’s still smarting from that rejection, too. And let’s face it: that never would have happened in China. Or Chicago.

Cap’n Crunch Granted Reprieve: Barry Keeps His Berries UPDATED: with Video

Gawd, what a weekend!

A sixth nuclear reactor has failed at the Fukushima generation facility, several are now on the verge of a non-metaphorical nuclear meltdown, the new president of the world (Sarkozy) has decided to impose a no-fly zone over Libya, in an attempt to isolate and contain their resident madman. etc, etc..

Butt now this!? They’re making Captain Crunch walk the plank?!

This is - bar none - Big Guy’s all time favorite snack for when he gets the munchies. He has them at least once a day; with and without the “berries.”

 Hey, keep your mitts off my berries!

He was so shaken over this disturbing news that he needed to blow off a little steam (metaphorically) so he and the guys went out to play a round of golf before suiting up for his white tie soiree at the Gridiron Club last night. Or as he one-lined to the Club’s members after dinner “I’m not spending time on the golf course. I’m investing time in the golf course.” (rim shot)

Butt back to the matter at hand: it could get ugly around here when Big Guy finds out that the Cap’n Crunch fiasco was all Lady M’s doing. It seems that when she told all the food companies that they were going to be held to her new, unofficial, fat/salt/sugar quotas, some of them took it seriously:

PepsiCo. and other food companies are under pressure from the White House -- especially from First Lady Michelle Obama -- to make their products healthier. Activists have long been irate over the marketing of sweetened cereals such as Cap'n Crunch to children. Last year, PepsiCo vowed to reduce added sugar per serving by 25% and saturated fat by 15% in its products over the next 10 years. This pressure may explain why the Cap'n is less visible than he was in years past.

We should have seen this one coming and started to hoard Cap’n Crunch. The food companies are just pulling a Big Three move, in reverse. In order to meet their new CAFE standards for MPG, instead of deep sixing the gas guzzlers that everyone loved, they just added little tin boxes to their line up that everyone hated, butt got great gas mileage.

  Big Guy takes a spin around the factory floor in a Chevy Volt last September before plugging in for a recharge

By late yesterday though, we received much better news on the critical situation: Cap’n Crunch may have been given a reprieve. There will be celebrating in the Big White tonight.

So, a quick weekend recap: earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, volcanic eruption, Libyan civil war, ongoing unrest in Yemen, clemency granted to Cap’n Crunch, Big Guy invests in a round of golf and parties with elite members of the Washington press corps. On balance, not so bad.

I know people continue to say this looks like that whole Nero fiddling thing. Butt I’m telling you: we’ve moved beyond that analogy. It’s beginning to resemble a more delusional phase of puppet mastery. You know, where the puppet actually believes he’s pulling his own strings?

Strings or no strings, I’m still in charge here, little man.

Things could start getting pretty interesting around here.

UPDATE: David’s letter to Lady M

h/t Granny Jan