Bouncing Weiners, Babysitters Packin’ Heat: It Might Be Time for a Little “Tune Up”

I’m afraid Big Guy has been running his mouth a little too much recently. I don’t know what he’s been thinking.

Bouncing weiners?

"Obviously, it's been a tough incident for him, but I'm confident that they'll refocus and he'll refocus, and they'll end up being able to bounce back,"

Don’t worry, its not death for the Weiner. His wagon will be back

The Wee Wons’ babysitters packin’ heat? 

"I should also point out that I have men with guns that surround them often, and a great incentive for running for re-election is that it means they never get in the car with a boy who had a beer,"

Keeping the Big White Playground safe: For the children who play here

Butt really - isn’t life tough enough around here without throwing red meat to the R-words?

Big Guy is beginning to sound like he needs either a long rest or a tune up at the nervous hospital. How else do you explain these almost-JoeyB-worthy-gaffes? Has Big Guy’s famous “brain-to-lips” connection shorted out? (BTW, has anyone seen TOTUS lately?)

He didn’t stop there, either, when asked if there’s HOPE for a baby O to excite the base in time for the re-election, Big Guy said:

"You act as if this is a decision of mine.

Hey, does anyone want to come home with me? How about you, blondie?

It really isn't. As Michelle points out, I did not carry 10 pounds in my belly, you know. I think that Michelle's general view is we're done."

That doesn’t sound very…uh, presidential.

“Put her back, Buh-rock!”

Anyway, I sure hope he gets those wires reconnected before heading out for his golf summit with John Boehner and Joey B. With Joey’s well documented penchant for in-artful lip work, we don’t need Big Guy’s lips on the fritz too. I can just hear it now on Fox News: “President Obama today referred to the Speaker of the House as Congressman ‘Boner.’” Bad enough if it’s Joey B.

I guess the stress of the campaign may be settling in a little early for everyone around here. Lady M, never known as much for her clear articulation as Big Guy, butt certainly no slouch (metaphorically speaking)

Slouching towards Gomorrah

in that department either, seems to be slipping off the reservation  a bit too. It’s beginning to look like everyone has been over taxed overworked lately. How else do you explain comments like this from Lady M at the DNC fundraiser in San Francisco:

My dear friend -- I call him “my other husband,” Paul Pelosi -- (laughter) -- is also here.  (Applause.)  Paul -- you know what, I call him that because Paul is always at my things.  He comes -- I could be in, you know, another part of the world.  It’s like, Paul’s here.  (Laughter.)  It’s like, well, how did you get here?  (Laughter.)  But I am always happy to see him.  He has been such a great support.  And he represents this state and this country so well.  He is a wonderful man.  Thank you, Paul.  Thank you again for being here.

Aye yi yi! And then this from Big Guy: an assessment on the TODAY show of what’s driving the unemployment numbers:

“There are some structural issues with our economy where a lot of businesses have learned to become much more efficient with a lot fewer workers. You see it when you go to a bank and you use an ATM, you don’t go to a bank teller, or you go to the airport and you’re using a kiosk instead of checking in at the gate.”

SADHILL

I hate to seem critical, butt don’t you think that “the smartest man to ever become President”, the man who, as Lady M just told us, has a “memory like a steel trap” would know that ATM’s have been around since George Bush’s presidency – that’s George Herbert Walker Bush (c. 1989-93)?

So I guess technically, we could say “it’s Bush’s fault.” 

Anyway, I think we better start taking our smart vitamins around here, because the right wingnuts are going to do their best to make Big Guy, the smartest guy in the room with a steel trap memory, look foolish. And if he keeps handing them fuel, like forgetting to toast the Queen and putting the wrong year in her date book, well, you’ve just got to expect them to make hay while the sun shines.

And we better just hope it keeps shining.

Bu-rock’s Excellent Dinner Invitation

You remember Smooty, right? The brilliant fund raiser who replaced our DDDD (Dearly Departed Diva, Desi) as Big White Social Secretary? She was only here a short while before being called for a higher purpose – Deputy Director of WTF: Obama’s 2012  re-election campaign.

DDDD, replaced by Smooty, the money bundler extraordinaire

Well, she’s already proven herself invaluable to the WTF effort. Here’s her most recent brainchild:

Friend -- I've worked for President Obama for almost five years -- but I've never actually sat down for dinner with him. That's why I'm excited about (and maybe a little jealous of) the opportunity you have to join the President for dinner. He's going to sit down and swap stories over a meal with four supporters, and you could be one of them. You should really give this a shot. Please donate $20 or more today to be automatically entered for the chance to sit down for dinner with the President: https://donate.barackobama.com/Dinner-with-Barack This isn't going to be a formal affair or a banquet for hundreds of guests. It's just you, three other supporters, and President Obama, sitting down together for an evening among friends. It's not often you get to talk to the President one on one about your hopes for the country and your ideas for this campaign. So I hope you'll put your name in the running. Please donate $20 or more today, and you'll be automatically entered for the chance to claim your seat the table: https://donate.barackobama.com/Dinner-with-Barack Good luck, Julianna  Julianna Smoot Deputy Campaign Manager Obama for America

I, myself, was invited to buy a raffle ticket! For only $20 (or whatever I care to donate) my name goes right into the old raffle basket.

Is this not pure genius! Just like a school/church raffle! Genius!

Big Guy himself sent out the first email invitation to get into the lottery, which looks pretty much like Smooty’s except he was only charging $5.

I suppose with the new Gallup poll showing Big Guy could actually lose to any generic Republican (!), combined with the fear of creeping inflation, Smooty had to up the ante to $20. Still, it’s for dinner! With Big Guy!

No word yet on the menu, I sure hope it doesn’t have to be approved by Lady M first. I know it’s only a $5/20 donation, butt still, I think most people having dinner with Big Guy will be expecting something a bit more than this:

Something more like this:

Cristal and beluga

Kobe filet with fois gras

 

 Whole cold water lobster

 

 

 

 

Or what we just  call “Sunday night supper” around here.

Congressional Corn Dogs: No Weiner

I wonder who was in charge of signage for the Congressional picnic?

One letter away from the truth

Seriously. Who thought it was a good idea to serve weiners at this year’s Congressional Picnic in the first place? And then to advertise them?

Good news though, we found a corporate sponsor for this year’s Congressional picnic – to help ease our national deficit:

Lady M sporting a Chevron awning as she takes Big Guy for his walk

The blue and white chevron frock, working with red shoes to complete that all-American effect, was a perfect choice for the early summer soiree.

The full Chevron.Are you getting dizzy too?

Earlier in the day Lady M led a congressional task force on a mission to build an entirely new playground at a D.C. school. She was a real slave driver, butt they did finish their assignment before the picnic:

I SAID, Let’s Move!

The shovel ready playground project was sponsored by KABOOM! who we’re also wooing to become lead sponsor of our Libyan KMA. I think it’s a great opportunity for them.

Taking a load off

The original playground plan called for a baby bucket swing,

butt due to it’s unfortunate resemblance to a jockstrap, we decided to defer installation until after Weinergate blows over.

On the menu for last night’s picnic, in addition to the Pronto Pups, were: chicken in a basket, Kettle Corn. hot dogs, cheeseburgers and hamburgers, slices of watermelon and salad. I don’t think that fits well on Lady M’s $2 billion FoodPlate. Especially since Big Guy told everybody:

"I want you guys to eat until you can’t eat any more,"

although he did add this throw away in deference to Lady M:

"All right? And then tomorrow you can "Let’s Move,"

Too little, too late though, from the looks of it:

 

I wonder if Chevron would be interested in sponsoring a war for oil KMA?

WTF. Obama 2012: You’re Welcome America

I’m not sure if it’s official , butt this is definitely in the running for our 2012 WTF campaign slogan:

“Obama 2012: You’re Welcome, America!”

I guess we just have to do a better job getting our message out, since Big Guy’s fund raiser yesterday wasn’t quite sold out.

Where is everybody?

“Not as shovel ready as we thought, hee hee.”

I don’t know what more they expect from Big Guy: he’s done everything he promised.

Killed the dirty coal industry:

So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can; it's just that it will bankrupt them because they're going to be charged a huge sum for all that greenhouse gas that's being emitted.

That will also generate billions of dollars that we can invest in solar, wind, biodiesel and other alternative energy approaches.

The only thing I've said with respect to coal, I haven't been some coal booster. What I have said is that for us to take coal off the table as a (sic) ideological matter as opposed to saying if technology allows us to use coal in a clean way, we should pursue it.

So if somebody wants to build a coal-powered plant, they can.

It's just that it will bankrupt them.

And while not quite able to get Congress to ram Cap and Trade up our butts, he did get the EPA to implement it behind the veil of regulation:

Consumers could see their electricity bills jump an estimated 40 to 60 percent in the next few years.
The reason: Pending environmental regulations will make coal-fired generating plants, which produce about half the nation's electricity, more expensive to operate. Many are expected to be shuttered.

The increases are expected to begin to appear in 2014, and policymakers already are scrambling to find cheap and reliable alternative power sources. If they are unsuccessful, consumers can expect further increases as more expensive forms of generation take on a greater share of the electricity load.

…One company that expects to benefit from the changes is Chicago-based Exelon Corp., which has a large fleet of nuclear power plants that have low emissions and are cheap to run compared with coal plants.

And we can still count on David Axelrod -

although not technically on our Big White team any more – to work the strings behind the curtain to ensure that crony capitalism Big Guy’s policies are being effectively implemented:

David Axlerod, Obama's campaign strategist and chief domestic policy adviser (who had the office closest to the Oval one before he left the White House to return to the 2012 campaign trail), has reaped quite a few rewards from doing business with Commonwealth Edison, which  became part of the Exelon octopus through corporate mergers (this corporate history is linked to Rahm Emanuel, see below).

Axelrod's firm, ASK Public Strategies, is the "gold standard in Astroturf organizing" (Astroturf organizations are fake grassroots groups that are actually funded and promoted by corporate interests).

And rest assured that Big Guy will not rest until all of you have realized his American Dream.

And he’s done his part to get us there: so far we’ve managed to squash the oil and gas producing industry, we’re well on our way to kiboshing the coal industry, we’ve managed to double gas prices, electricity prices are posed to “sky rocket,” we’ve saved the auto industry – or at least the important part of it, the UAW, and it’s only a matter of time before we finish destroying the world’s best health care system make health care affordable and available.

 

As Big Guy told us Monday in North Carolina (between DNC fundraising events):

"We need to solve our medium and long-term debt and deficit problems, not for abstract reasons, but because they are a concrete impediment to growth and jobs,"

And we’re well on our way to solving that problem too, by raising the national debt ceiling into the stratosphere.

So yes, I think the campaign slogan might actually work: “You’re Welcome, America!”

Alternatively, there’s always this: Obama 2112:  “Stupid is as stupid does!”

Or possibly: “Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends.”

 

"You don't know the power of the dark side!"

Linked By: Adrienne’s Corner Thanks!

Pasadena Playhouse

Before the cashiers office opened for dinner last night, Lady M was back to work for the American people, taping the iCarly episode where she had a starring role, in order to get her official government business Trip Tic punched.

Lady M as “I, Carly”

You probably didn’t know that Lady M has added “actor” to her resume, butt she’s been taking lessons from the best and has recently begun demonstrating her new trade in public. Take just yesterday for example:

How we actually greeted Capt. Kelly Smith during a Joining Forces event in Beverly Hills:

vs. how we really felt:

And then there was this routine with our moderator JJ Abrams:

First, acting all sincere,

when this is how we really felt:

Butt this act - that Lady M does all the time – is still one of my favorites: acting all “WTF?”

It just never gets old, does it?

Butt I’ll be the first to say that all those acting lessons (all donated of course, so don’t worry about tax payers supporting this charade) are really paying off. She really demonstrated her acting chops at the Pasadena Playhouse yesterday afternoon when she told this whopper about Big Guy:

This Big! Honest!

"I see the sadness and worry that's creasing his face," she said to a crowd of about 500 at the Pasadena luncheon organized by the Southern California Women For Obama. She described (Big Guy’s) worth ethic as “tireless,” according to pool reports.

"He reads every word, every memo, so he is better prepared than the people briefing him," she said. "This man doesn't take a day off."

H/T John Smith

Frankly, I’d hire new staffers if that’s the case, butt that’s just me.

We wrapped up yesterday with a lovely dinner at Michael Smith’s (no relation to our John Smith, or Capt. Kelly Smith – at least as far as I know) lovely house where Lady M wore a lovely form-fitting black dress and black sweater (sorry, images of that form-fitting black dress have been quarantined until further “analysis”), where she told the crowd of adoring fans that her husband was even involved in the decorating of their new home:

“Believe it or not, the President has opinions about his drapes,” she said to the group.

 And honestly, no one seemed surprise to hear this.

Hey dude, wanna dance?

WTF. Californication, Here I Come!

As you can see, everyone is very excited about Lady M coming to California:

Here’s what we know so far:

Our very busy day started at 10:00 AM PDT with a “story meeting” with members of the “creative” guilds and unions (aka, writer, actors and directors)to discuss:

"the stories and issues of today’s military families so that their experiences can be integrated into film, television and digital media,"

A “story meeting” is Hollywood buzz for a panel discussion. Lady M was joined on the panel by Katherine Fugate, creator of the lifelike Lifetime series “Army Wives.” So that should be good. Plus it justifies us packing up Air Force One II for the cross-country fundraiser PR photo op Joining Forces Inter-guild Task Force (Starring Stephen Spielberg and Tom Hanks – two long time supporters of Big Guy! Happy coincidence!).

Tom Hanks,at the O’s Embassy Dinner for the Queen

Director J.J. Abrams moderated.

J.J. idolizes Lady M. The feeling isn’t mutual

I don’t like to butt in or anything, butt if they really want to figure out how better to reflect the reality of military families, I can help. First: you stop reflecting fraudulent alternate realities (something I know a thing or two about) and start reflecting reality (something I still know a thing or two about). Butt I don’t think that’s what they really want to do. It’s television, for goodness sake. It’s just like print media, only with moving images and talking heads.

This has been fun, butt I’ve got to run now

Then, we had lunch in Pasadena ($1000 a plate fundraiser for the DNC) It was lovely, about 500 of Lady M’s biggest supporters in Pasadena. And the ones who popped for $10,000 got photos and “private time.” Which, BTW, is what Sasha asked for and received for her birthday: a weekend with the Wons at Camp David. Too bad Daddy had to return early to golf, and Mommy was so busy lining up her contacts in California. It was still good. We did have cake and ice cream.)

Oh yes, and then we had to jam in the taping of Lady M’s starring role in  iCarly over at Nickelodeon before our next fund raiser for the DNC. I’ve seen the script, and as far as I can tell, they pretty much type casted Lady M. She just has to come in and tell a bunch of kids what they did wrong, and what she would do instead and then preach to them about respecting rules and boundaries and blah blah blah. At least that’s what I got out of it.

Tonight, a $1000 a plate dinner (hey! nobody said healthy food was cheap. That’s why we have to get more money to give to the SEIU to feed the children). The dinner’s being held at the home of Michael Smith (you remember him, right? He’s the one who designed the Big White family quarters around Lady M’s wardrobe. Or was that the other way around?)

And he also redid Big Guy’s office. Anyway,  as you might imagine, he has a huge, gorgeous home to die for that he shares with boyfriend and HBO executive James Costos in the tres ritzy Holmby Hills neighborhood. The wire will say it’s in Beverly Hills, butt trust me, HH is w-aaaay nicer.

It’s nice because now we have friends at all of the big media conglomerates!  Other than Fox, of course. I sure hope Ricky doesn’t decide to look into collusion in BIG MEDIA like we did with BIG OIL. Because we can’t afford to tick off the Hollywood set the way we did the Wall Street crowd. They provide not only funds for the campaign coffers, butt “in-kind contributions” that we can’t possibly put a price tag on.

Expect BIG names at tonight’s soiree.

Back Later…

Sorry, butt it’s medical Monday: time for some technical updates and recharging, so I won’t be posting till after Lady M lands in sunny SoCal for her fundraising  promotion of her healthy eating and mooving plan for America.

I sure hope the Botox injections don’t look too fresh when we get there. Butt I think you’ll agree: it was time.

Just a couple of quick updates; yes, we had a lovely time in the woods. And yes, Big Guy flew back early to play a round with the boys. Now’s no time to get out of shape, with the big campaign season coming up.

Reporting for duty

Hope to be back this afternoon, after my battery  pack has been replaced.

Flash! Sham! Wow! Focusing Like a Laser Beam

It’s been a pretty quiet weekend up here at Camp David where we were dispatched to lay low while Big Tony “takes care of his problem” with little Tony. Unfortunately, it looks like he didn’t get the memo that Big Guy sent him, telling him to pull out PRONTO!

Instead, the Rep decided to grab his package of dirty laundry and check in for a little revitalizing stint at the Sexual-Healing-Rehab-and-Jiffy-Lube Shoppe in search of a cure for whatever’s wrong with him. At least that’s where I presume he’s heading, he wasn’t specific. All I know for sure is he has been practicing his Big Dog patented  “I’m sorry I got caught with my transgressions down” lip biting:

OK, butt I’d keep practicing until I nailed it if I were the Weiner:

Here he is on Saturday on his way back from dumping his dirty laundry off:

What the Perp-walk looks like in the metrosexual age

I think we can put him down as a “no” for the annual Big White Congressional Picnic next Wednesday.

BTW, regardless of what you read over at TMZ (caution: some pictures show both weiners) about a government mirror aiding and abetting the Weiner’s tweets, I had nothing to do with it. Consider this an official denial. If you have any questions you can contact my attorney.

I will not be discussing this any further, and now I’d just like to get back to my work for the American people.

Meanwhile, Big Guy released his weekly address from way up here in the north woods. This week our topic was: “Government Partnering with the Private Sector to Train Workers and Spur Hiring:”

We’ve just come through the worst recession since the Great Depression, and while our economy as a whole has been growing and adding private sector jobs, too many folks are still struggling to get back on their feet. I wish I could tell you there was a quick fix to our economic problems. But the truth is, we didn’t get into this mess overnight, and we won’t get out of it overnight. It’s going to take time.

Which is a theme Big Guy’s been hitting on ever since he took office:

January 31, 2009

Yesterday we learned that our economy shrank by nearly 4 percent from October through December. That decline was the largest in over a quarter century, and it underscores the seriousness of the economic crisis that my administration found when we took office…

The good news is that we are moving forward with a sense of urgency equal to the challenge.

He hasn’t taken his eye off the ball once since he reported for duty.

March 7, 2009

From the day I took office, I knew that solving this crisis would not be easy, nor would it happen overnight.  And we will continue to face difficult days in the months ahead… 

That's why my administration is committed to doing all that's necessary to address this crisis and lead us to a better day.  That's why we're moving forward with an economic agenda that will jumpstart job creation…

… My administration inherited a $1.3 trillion budget deficit, the largest in history.  And we've inherited a budgeting process as irresponsible as it is unsustainable. 

“You know I can’t do this all day!” That’s unsustainable.

And even though he didn’t know much about the economy when he got here, he was a quick study.

“Let’s try not talking about the economy for awhile and see how it goes.”

Boy, this sand trap ditch is deeper than it looks.

 

August 1, 2009

But history shows that you need to have economic growth before you have job growth.  And the report yesterday on our economy is an important sign that we’re headed in the right direction…

This won’t happen overnight.  As I’ve said before, it will take many more months to fully dig ourselves out of a recession – a recession that we’ve now learned was even deeper than anyone thought.  But I’ll continue to work every day, and take every step necessary, to make sure that happens.

Practicing our goose-stepping on the links

Both Big Guy and Lady M are enjoying their time up here in the woods with the flies and mosquitos, resting up for their very, very busy week ahead:jammed with campaign publicity government events that will be taking them from LA to Puerto Rico and back again.

Don’t forget: Congressional Picnic on Wednesday!

The Economy: We Nailed it!

Oh, and I think we’re going to play golf this afternoon. Don’t want to ruin our streak.

P