Dreams From My Cinematographer

I’m sorry, butt ever since reflecting that image of Hilz yesterday my hard drive keeps scanning files: it’s sort of what I do to recharge - in lieu of REM sleep. Think of it as virtual memory dreaming.

Anyway, instead of “dreaming” pleasant images that refresh and restore, I’m having the computer equivalent of nightmares. All of my normally soothing Read-Only-Memories seem to be matched with, uh, extraneous, memories that are, to say the least, not refreshing. I’m not sure how to interpret these “dream” images. See for yourself, and let me know what you make of these images from my ROM:

Rockin’ jeans  with Sarah:

Rockin’ yellow with one of the lesser Michelles:

Rockin’ purple with Kate:

Rockin’ the belted coat with Carla:

I’d cinch that up a notch there C!

Butt the worst was yet to come, a turn to the really dark side. I slipped into totally uncharted territory, “dreaming” Lady M morphed into Serena Williams. And that, my friends, is a nightmare whether you are REM –ing of ROM-ing. Behold, then, the “Serena Williams: compare and contrast” portfolio:

“Put your entire trunk into it, and let the force be with you!”

“Step out of the limo feet first and no one gets hurt”

Rockin’ a pose with a lesser celebrity.

Rockin’ the “angry black woman” meme.

Rockin’ our pink dress that was suddenly, and surprisingly,  tight all over.

It happened so fast, we didn’t even know what was happening.

And, thankfully, the last image in the nightmarish portfolio:

Packin’ our trunk for a very, very long trip.

Seriously, I don’t understand this at all. As far as I know, we don’t even own a pair of Loboutins. So if any of you have experience with dream analysis, let me know because I’ve got to get some rest.

And I know you’re all upset about the way the debt ceiling talks have been going. Butt believe me, you’re not as upset as Big Guy. I had to move little Bo into witness protection again.

I just don’t seem to have recovered enough backup power to report on yesterday’s meetings and press conference, so Dewey said he would work on it and submit a report this afternoon. I’ll let you know as soon as it is available. In the meantime, stay strong, and pray for a break in this heat wave. Maybe that will help chill my circuits.

H/T to Clarice, one of our own who – as Breeze pointed out on Thursday – is now famous!

Linked By: –Asian’s Girl on HotAir, Thanks!

Clean-up Required in Aisles 1 and 2! Extreme Makeover Edition

Lady M took to the road for a very hot day of campaigning thankin’ and appreciatin’ military families. First we hit the day camp at Oceana Naval Station in Virginia Beach where Lady M spent the morning painting stage sets, watching kids perform a scene from the musical "Annie" and reading her favorite book, "Where the Wild Things Are." Oh yes, and dancing - we always dance with the children – to work the “wiggles out.” Theirs, not ours.

Who’s the b@tch trying to cheese in on Lady M’s signature style? Oh, it’s a skirt not a boob belt. OK, nevermind.

And then we went to a special screening of the new Harry Potter movie. Hard to believe we crammed all of this into a less than 2 hour visit isn’t it? Needless to say, we split as soon as the lights went down.

We had to move on to Fayetteville, N.C. to build a house for homeless women veterans. Because we really appreciate them too, you know?

Lady M arrives, signaling that she’s ready to “raise the roof” and put a few “finishing touches” on the Extreme Makeover. The house that is, not Lady M’s.

Ty Pennington cannot believe his good fortune, being this close to greatness

Ty, the show’s host, said one of the reasons Lady M came was because of the greenhouse they built in the back yard: in order to grow healthy vegetables because I think they might have built the house in the middle of one of those food deserts.

from USDA Food Desert Locator

 

Butt hoo-wee! It was scorcher yesterday!

Mopping up before the “Big Reveal”

Makeup! Emergency on set! We’re melting!

Chickaboomer has local footage of a preview to the official airing of the Extreme Makeover episode in what she calls a “three-fer” for Lady M:

(1) There's a green house in back appealing to Michelle's do what I say not what I do diet. (2) The house will house homeless female vets which segues nicely into (3) Mrs. Obama's focus on military families with Fort Bragg and Pope Air Force Base conveniently nearby.

Meeting Navy Vet, Barbara Marshall, who Lady M really admires and appreciates, at her new house in the food desert.

Everything went pretty well yesterday, despite the heat, until we got a special message on our iPhone. Harry the Pimp IM’d Lady M that Big Guy was about to fall for the oldest Democrat trick in the budget book, only in reverse: agree to cut spending now, and promise to look for additional revenues in the future. Harry’s message said something like “ tell him it’s raise taxes now, and promise spending cuts later, the dumb ass!” Sorry, butt I’m just the messenger here. Lady M immediately called Big Guy and reamed him a good one. Shortly thereafter,John Boehner called el Rushbo’s show to tell him there was no deal, and JJ mouthed the same words to the supportive press. So there.

All in all, not a bad day, although the humidity did leak into my circuit board and distort my vision for the rest of the day. I thought I was mis-imaging this picture of Hillary when I was updating my hard drive at the end of the day, butt as it turned out, she’s just been under a lot of stress lately. Even so, when you leave Big Fur Hat speechless you might want to check in for an extreme makeover of your own.

H/T to Gerard @ American Digest, who cursed me with this image. Finding something like this in your email in the middle of the night is worse than looking under your bed. Anyway, he was just trying to help by putting things in perspective, and suggested that I lighten up because in an alternative universe, my lenses may have been even more, uh, spatially challenged:

Butt I blame it on the heat wave. And stress. Some women get debilitating migraines under stress, others just dress crazy. The only difference is you can take triptans to abort a migraine (believe me, I know), butt even I can’t always abort complete fashion disasters. Especially in this heat.

BTW, just to get things rolling on the “Who Does Hill Remind You of contest”, I offer this as a possibility - with apologies to Hillary fans:

…as well as Nick Nolte fans.

Linked By: Adrienne’s Corner, and Cripes Suzette, Thanks!

Building an Oasis in America’s Food Deserts

I have no idea how this happened. Lady M showed up for yesterday’s Healthy Food Financing Initiative still wearing her spa robe.

 

Disposable spa robes

I know the esthetician had just finished up with the fresh sharpie brows, butt still, she had plenty of time to change.

She just has so much on her mind these days. I’m not overly concerned, because I know that all of our supportive media will just speculate on who Lady M’s newest, edgy designer is. Butt seriously, I’m beginning to think Lady M really is sacrificing too much for the country. She desperately needs a vacation and, so far, we don’t have one scheduled for at least another 2 weeks.

Anyway: yesterday was about the 200th kickoff for one of Lady M’s Healthy Food Initiatives. This time it was to announce that Walmart, Supervalu and Walgreens have been “persuaded” (via grants) to build some new stores and to offer more fresh produce and organic leafy green vegetables in existing stores located in officially designated “food deserts.”

The Food desert map (interactive version below, compliments of Slate) was developed by the USDA in concert with the US Census – because we don’t have any other pressing problems to spend American’s tax dollars on.

Here’s a pocket version, so you can keep it with you at all times

I’m sure it will be a very successful program. Although I don’t think we should expect miracles. Here’s Lady M greeting a produce manager from one of the participating food desert stores to her Big White meeting:

I’m beginning to wonder if just having access to fresh produce is going to solve the “epidemic of childhood obesity.”

Never-the-less, as Lady M so succinctly put it – paraphrasing no lesser illuminati than Joey B himself:–

“This is a big deal.  It is a really big deal.  I think our Vice President put it better but I’m not going to use his words.  (Laughter.)  This is a really big deal.  (Laughter.) ”

And believe me, it really is a big effing deal: Lady M has managed to wrangle federal funds for her food-desert development to the tune of $35 million in grants (give-aways) this year to make healthy food available to more Americans. An additional $330 million has been earmarked for give-aways (grants) to participating food stores in 2012. Assuming, of course, that the US Money Printing and Benevolent Society is still in business.

As Lady M explained, “… the plan is to use that money to leverage hundreds of millions more from the private and nonprofit sectors.” Jesse Jackson, while not directly involved in the HFFI, can be credited with inventing the whole concept of leveraging private and nonprofit sectors.

Linked By: Adrienne’s Corner, and Chickaboomer, Thanks!

Movin’ and Shakin’ with Michelle: BHG edition

Although we’ve already seen leaks, including the excellent photo shoppe cover, the Lady M special collectors edition of the August Better Home and Gardens officially goes on the news stand today.

So be sure to get out early, because they’re bound to be snapped up quickly by collectors.

Plus, then you can read all of Lady M’s “Ideas and Inspiration to Help American Families Eat Right.” Here’s a little preview:

We start with the obvious: "…to eat your vegetables,"

 

Mmmmmmm! Turnips! And

Sweet potatoes!

The leafy greens are especially good for you. If you eat them.

 

Be sure to include some low fat protein in your meals, like fresh fish:

 

That one should make a good dinner. What would you like Sasha?

and shellfish is an excellent source of low fat protein:

 

At least without the butter.

Try to enjoy a relaxing, sit-down dinner with the family every night:

At informal meals like this, feel free to use your fingers

But even if you can’t eat at home, avoid fast food at all costs:

“Uh, no thanks, I’m just inspecting.”

 

If you’re too busy to cook, try hiring a world famous personal chef to over see your intake:

Chef Jacques can just whip you up a little lobster omelet appetizer

Make sure you get plenty of fun exercise to work off any inadvertently consumed excess calories:

 

          

     

Never eat with your mouth full:

 

No wait, that’s not right…butt still, not bad advice.

And here’s Lady M’s most useful tip in these stressful times: like an apple, a glass of wine a day will keep the doctor away:

 

Did I say one?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well if one is good, 2 bottles must be even better, right?

And did I mention  to “eat ‘shur vegables?”

And no, chocolate chips don’t count as a vegetable.

Anyway, if you follow all of Lady M’s “Ideas and Inspiration to Help American Families Eat Right” you too can enjoy an occasional treat.

The Shake Shack, in a show of good old fashioned American capitalism, is now offering the “Lady M special” a Shake Burger, fries, chocolate shake and diet Pepsi. Boo-yah!

Oh, and the only other noteworthy item in the BHG feature is the shocking news that Lady M gained weight after she moved into the Big White! Who knew? BHG notes "ironically" that life in the Big White is "more constricted" and  "has made it harder to follow her own advice about staying on the move." Boy, you couldn’t prove it by me: Europe (3 times), Africa (twice), 50 of our 57 states; some, like Hawaii and the state of Martha’s Vineyard, multiple times.

Anyway, despite all that movin’ and shakin,’

Lady M  "was surprised that her body had changed."  She told BHG  "I realized that some clothes were getting tighter. I didn't know what was going on." All I can say is, she’s the only one who didn’t. Even after we beefed up her containment systems.

So, we’re movin’ out again today to visit 3 more swing states.Look for our big announcement on “Eliminating Food Deserts.”  Now there’s a problem that maybe Congress can solve.