MOTUS A.D.: He who makes the rules…takes the gold

Friday, May 25, 2012

He who makes the rules…takes the gold

Or is it the other way around: He who takes the gold, makes the rules? I always get that mixed up.

The golden rule of governmental accounting: He who has the gold, makes the rules

OK, now I get it – we’re playing by government rules. It’s like Chicago rules only better.

Here’s all you need to know: if generally accepted accounting principles (GAAP) were good enough for government work, we wouldn’t have had to invent generally accepted government accounting principles (GAGAP). But you already knew that your government operates by it’s own rules, didn’t you?

Anyway, in case you were wondering why you’re just now hearing that the national deficit is actually 6 times higher than previously reported, it’s because of the golden rule. Using these special government rules, we don’t have to count liabilities for future pension costs. Isn’t that special? Of course, regular companies can’t get away with that. In fact if any company listed on Wall Street tried to pull that trick, someone would go to jail.

Here’s the benefit to government rules: all that money that we collect to pay for your future Social Security pension? We get to spend it! That’s right, it’s like getting to spend our tax revenues twice! Who wouldn’t sign onto a deal like that? So instead of having to put our Social Security funds into a lock box to grow and to pay for future obligations, we can use it to get other “stuff done” - like propping up failing green energy companies, and providing coeds with contraceptives.

That is so cool! I l never thought I’d say this, butt I Red heart accounting!

So I’m starting to think: there are probably “a whole lot of” other uses we could put these special accounting rules to use on. Take our car company for example: if we just deemed Big Guy’s car company as an official government owned car company, they wouldn’t have to be burdened with all those pesky (and very expensive) union pension commitments anymore either!

Wow! That’s the sort of thinking that might just earn me an invitation to join Big Guy’s exclusive club of Big Brained coyotes.

Along the same lines, you might have seen that Big Guy has grabbed the reins of fiscal responsibility and now he’s busy cleaning up after all the reckless spending by the Republicans.

“I don’t know how they've been bamboozling folks into thinking that they are the responsible, fiscally-disciplined party. They run up these wild debts and then when we take over we have to clean it up,”

And he’s bragging about his fiscal control and restraint, basking in the glow of being hailed “the most fiscally moderate president we’ve had in 60 years.”

Of course, there will always be nay-sayers out there (mostly R-words), questioning the accuracy of these allegations:

The flawed economic assumptions used to sell Mr. Obama’s programs were a bait-and-switch that left America mired in unsustainable levels of debt. It’s incredible that Mr. Obama believes he can get away with such a big lie. He seems simply to have lost his grip on reality.

While others like Charles Krauthammer just come right out and call Big Guy a liar, which I think is racist – calling a spade a spade like that:

“"This is an unbelievable distortion of the truth…”

If an administration starts with the largest stimulus spending bill in galactic history, it obviously is not cost-cutting administration,"

Apparently none of these smarty pants know anything about the gold standard of golden rules with respect to GAGAP. In order to achieve these golden results we first had to apply some of our golden accounting rules which allowed us to waive the trillion dollar stimulus spending that occurred during the first 9 months of 2009, and accrue it instead back to 2008 – therefore making this whole mess Bush’s fault like we’ve been telling you all along.

Oh, and in order to get to the awesome result of the most fiscally responsible Prezzy in 60 years we also had to add in our projected “savings” that, well, frankly haven’t and aren’t going to materialize. Butt according to the government golden rule, that doesn’t mean we can’t count them. Note: the Big White Big Brained lawyers require me to post the following message – Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Butt hey! Enough of this serious Washington business. I know you’ve all been begging for a glimpse at a full length view of the fabulous Naeem Khan frock that Lady M wore to this year’s Correspondence Dinner. So, since we’re headed into Memorial Day let’s get this over with so you can enjoy the rest of your weekend.

CAUTION: Do Not Scroll Beyond This Point Until Your Mouth Is Empty:

h/t MP

So much awkwardness on display here I don’t know where to start. Let’s just move on to the big, and I do mean big, reveal:

Before and after: it looks like conceptually Naeem was thinking more along the lines of a waterfall than an apron/bustle. Butt as we all know, the gap between concept and execution is sometimes huge.

Remember: sometimes past performance is a guarantee of future results