MOTUS A.D.: From “We are the Wons we’ve been waiting for” to “We have met the enemy, and it is us.” Period.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

From “We are the Wons we’ve been waiting for” to “We have met the enemy, and it is us.” Period.

Uh-oh. Did you read that Ulsterman rag yesterday (h/t MichelleIndependent)? It relates a real tale out of school about how Team Romney punked Team Obama, and hoo-wee, it’s ug-ly! Right up my alley.

So here’s the Cliff notes version: Internal polling by Team Romney indicates he’s running a double digit lead in a key swing state (Florida? Michigan?) which they then “leak” to Team Obama in order to get inside their heads. And it worked! When word got to Val Jar, she turned into some kind of an Ultraman T-Rexian monster:

And then she starts ripping the flesh off the bones of the poor O-Team messenger as a warm up before turning full bore at Big Guy himself - pretty much eviscerating him in the process since he doesn’t have much flesh to rip off. Then she orders him to get out there to make things right and get the mojo back.

“Now get your skinny ass out there and act like you know something!”

This apparently rattled the Preezy so bad that the very next weekend he went out to – as Val Jar instructed - “give ‘em hell,” using the “words that work” from the big brained cognitive linguist we hired. Unfortunately it came out like this: “You didn’t build that, somebody else did that!”

That was another Olympic gold for Team Romney. To their credit though, they didn’t spike the ball. Yet.

Team Obama is doing a pretty good job of that themselves

Honestly, the O-Team is so worried now about raising enough money to ~~buy the election~~ WTF so they can keep spreading the wealth around that we’ve added dozens of campaign stops and fundraisers to an already jam-packed schedule.

And that’s why Lady M and I will be spending a lot of quality time together on the road these last few months.

Because she’s still the best trick we’ve got in the book right now

I'm not saying things are getting desperate, butt Granny R is busy baking pies for a Team Obama bake sale auction. The starting bid is $500 and you have to pick it up yourself. It also comes with a nutritional analysis, a warning that eating pie on a regular basis is detrimental to your over all health and could lead to childhood obesity, and a free app for your iPhone that tells you exactly how many fat calories you’re consuming.

Whoops! Wrong app. This one is to help you find the closest ~~Chick-Fil-A~~ restaurant

Kind of a buzz kill on a $500 pie. We haven’t sold too many yet, butt I expect things to pick up after this weekend’s email blast.

So anyway, with all of the turmoil in the campaign and because of our commitment to moving America FORWARD. I took the liberty of drafting an alternative plan for Big Guy that I think might help heal the nation:

The White House

FORWARD. The Presidency to Mitt Romney

Friend:

As we continue to move our campaign FORWARD., I have taken a moment to look back at my historic accomplishments since taking over ~~the United States~~ the Presidency and the economy that my predecessor, George W. Bush, drove into the ditch.

I have spent unprecedented sums of your money to prop up wasteful state local government unions and my pals in the failing solar and windmill business. I have attacked the Constitution and Bill of Rights with robust enthusiasm and Executive Orders. I have kept the mainstream media in their place and on my side. But I have not ~~tricked you bitter clinging rubes in flyover country~~ won enough of your hearts and minds.

Some on my team urge me to simply order you to vote for me, others want me to deploy ~~my Civilian Police Force that is just as powerful, just as strong, just as well funded as the military,~~ the New Black Panthers to ~~block Republicans and white people from voting~~ protect the rights of disenfranchised minority voters. I like the first idea, but my new best pal, John Roberts, tells me it won’t work yet because of unreasonable, racist limits imposed on my power by the Constitution, which was written by a bunch of old, unelected white European transplants.

Therefore, in light of the foregoing, and my team’s failure to convince enough of you that you are better off today under my ~~jack boot~~ rule than you would be under that Republican Mormon’s, and the teams failure to register enough dead people, illegal aliens and dogs to Win The Future (WTF), I have decided to FORWARD. my job to the Republicans.

Then, if we're lucky and things I've ~~already rammed up your~~ implemented by Executive Order continue to ~~drag the US economy into my socialist hell~~ have their effect on our economy, we can blame the Republicans again in 2016 and WTF. Heck, I might even run again because Hillary will be way too old.

I know you will be disappointed that I will no longer be your Dear Leader, but rest assured that you will see plenty of me on your TeeVee, ~~bitchin' about~~ commenting on President Romney's initiatives. And I’ll be available for appearances at your private events to deliver one of my awesome speeches at a starting rate of only $1.5 million.

Thank you for your support, and FORWARD..

Former President
~~Harrison J. Bounel~~ Barack Obama

Facebook

Twitter

YouTube

Flickr

Google+

This email was sent to motus@whitehouse.gov
Manage Subscriptions for motus@whitehouse.gov
Sign Up for Updates from the White House
Unsubscribe | Privacy Policy
Please do not reply to this email. Contact the White House

The White House • 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW • Washington, DC 20500 • 202-456-1111

Let me know what you think, I haven’t submitted it for Val’s review yet so I can still make some revisions.

Oh, and just for your official record book, here are some shots of Lady M’s historic fund raising stops in North Carolina yesterday. Unfortunately we didn’t get a chance to hit the local Chick-fil-A, one of our favorite late afternoon snack stops. The lines were ridiculous for some reason!