MOTUS A.D.: The Molsterman Report Volume III: Hints and Allegations

Friday, August 3, 2012

The Molsterman Report Volume III: Hints and Allegations

NOTE: This is the third in a continuing series of exclusive, clandestine, interviews with my mole (“Deep Quote,” aka, “Molsterman,” aka “Little Mo” to the MOTUS community) over at the Department of Justice.

Today Molsterman gets inside Harry Reid’s brain to explain what’s really going on here:

MOTUS: So what do you hear about Harry’s contention that Mitt Romney hasn’t paid taxes in 10 years?

MOLSTERMAN: As usual, it goes well beyond what you see and hear.

MOTUS: Tell me.

MOLSTERMAN: Well, for starters, there’s the fact that this signals that Harry the Brain has been promoted to head up the Class Warfare division of the Democratic National Committee. He leapfrogged right over Debbie Wasserman Schultz who – despite her willingness to hold forth any straw man argument no matter how vacuous and to say anything no matter how absurd – was not up to the task. She just doesn’t have Harry’s gravitas.

Nor can she fly like our two superheroes

MOTUS: Okay, butt how do we get from there to Harry calling Mitt out for tax evasion?

MOLSTERMAN: You just don’t get it do you? This doesn’t have anything to do with Mitt’s taxes. It has to do with his WEALTH. Romney’s one of the 1%. And because he’s rich that makes him responsible for the other 99% being poor, not the Obama economic policies. Didn’t you ever study Alinsky? I thought you’d understand how this crap works by now.

MOTUS: Okay, so where DID Harry get the information about Romney’s tax returns?

MOLSTERMAN: Like everything with this regime, it’s complicated.

The Obama Truth Team set up a clandestine task force operating out of Justice; they’re tasked with finding dirt on Romney. Of course that’s illegal, but nowadays everyone around here follows the “by any means necessary” rule - sound familiar?

Anyway they’ve been rooting around ever since Mitt became the presumed Republican candidate (PRC) and haven’t been able to mine anywhere near the payload they’ve hit with BHO’s other opponents. You’ve seen the net total of their efforts so far:

“Romney transported his dog cross country in a manner not authorized by the Department of Transportation” That started the “Obama eats dog” ridicule.

“Romney bullied a kid with long hair in high school,” a total of two moms cared about that one.

“Romney’s Bain Capital closed some businesses that would have been closed down two years earlier if Bain hadn’t invested in them.” That one’s not sticking so good either, despite the 24/7 lap dog loop. Not a very good return on investment. Romney doesn’t have any messy affairs/divorces/child custody disputes – hell, they couldn’t even find a decent disgruntled neighbor. This guy’s so clean he qualifies for both the Department of Energy’s “green” certification AND the Department of Agriculture’s “organic” designation.

That’s when the big brains started getting desperate; without their usual load of manure they don’t know how to WTF. So they had Justice set up an anonymous hot line that anyone can call to report anything negative about the PRC (1-800-NAIL-MIT). After efforting this thing for months through the back channels (mediamatters.org), it finally paid off. That’s where Harry’s “call from an investor at Bain Capital” came from.

MOTUS: So it sounds like “we tried our plan, and it worked!”

MOLSTERMAN: Not so fast.They ran into a slight problem: some of the punks in Romney’s camp found out about the task force and they’ve been pranking the hot line. Justice knows it’s coming from the PRC’s camp – Romney’s well known for his mean spirited pranking around here – but they’re having a hard time proving it. And now they’re getting so many incoming calls they’re having a hard time just logging them in let alone tracking them down.

MOTUS: So Romney’s own camp’s calling in negative rumors about their candidate?

MOLSTERMAN: Yeah, occasionally, just to screw with them they call and say something like “I was in Romney’s administration when he was governor of Massachusetts and I can tell you he made everyone on staff wear secret Temple underwear.” Shit like that. But here’s the thing: mostly they're leaving calls about the Preezy!

MOTUS:Big Guy!?

MOLSTERMAN:That’s right, and be very careful with this information - if these reports get out they’ll know where it came from. The first phone call comes in about an hour after Dirty Harry accuses Mitt of not paying any taxes for 10 years. You might have heard about it on the El Rushbo show: some guy calls and says he attended Harvard with BHO and he knows that Barry (as they called him) got the worst grades in the history of the school. And he calls on the President to release his records to prove it isn’t true!

After that, all hell broke loose – it was as bad as the Chick-fil-A boycott that turned into the Chick-fil-A eat-in. The 1-800-NAIL-MIT line started getting bombarded with calls from all over the world. Some guy called in from a madrassa in Pahk-ee-stan claiming that when he was there, Barry Soetoro was there too training to be an Al-Qaida terrorist. He called on the President to release his passport records for the past 30 years to prove that he wasn’t the same Barry Soetoro training at his terrorist camp, and that he wasn’t a terrorist. Because obviously he has something to hide.

Next, they get a call from a lady who claims she worked in the registrar’s office at Occidental College. She swore that Barry Soetoro received foreign aid as a student from Indonesia while he was there. She demanded that the President release all of his Occidental records to prove that he didn’t. Because obviously he has something to hide.

Then some guy calls for the Illinois State Bar Association. He says that he knows that Barack Obama voluntarily gave up his law license in order to avoid being disbarred for having committed perjury. He calls for Obama to release all of the records of his dealings with the Illinois Bar Association, because obviously he has something to hide.

Are you beginning to see a pattern?

MOTUS: I’m a mirror Molsterman, how can I miss it? Besides, I specialize in pattern recognition.

dots, checks stripes prints, patterns, all of the above

MOLSTERMAN: Okay, sorry. Then – as if this nonsense isn’t enough, we get a call from a guy who claims he was a member of Obama’s Choom Wagon crew and he claims that he knows for a fact that the Big Guy stole 500 grams of weed from him in 1977. And he demands that he pay him back - with interest – by releasing his entire personal White House stash.

MOTUS: Wow! This is getting crazy. And you can’t prove any of it!

MOLSTERMAN: That’s the beauty. For a while they – Team Obama - were getting themselves caught up in the trap of trying to disprove a negative.

But now I think they’re back on their game of ignoring the negatives – like the unemployment rate creeping up to 8.3% if you don’t count everybody; 15% if you do. The Dems are at their best when they are deflecting their felonies and focusing on the imagined misdemeanors of the opposition.

So they plan to continue to focus on the “seriousness of the (made-up) charges” rather than the veracity of the (made-up) charges. It’s like a straw man argument on steroids.

“I’m not real, butt that doesn’t mean I can’t eat you!”

Remember, it’s not the veracity of the charge that matters, it’s the “seriousness” of the charge. And Team Obama is in charge of determining the “seriousness” of the charge. It’s in the handbook.

MOTUS: So what do you suppose Team Romney can do to fight back against the “serious (butt made-up) charges,” Molsterman?

MOLSTERMAN: Well, all the punking by Team Romney sure did mess with their heads. And there’s nothing a bunch of punks and bullies hates more than getting bullied and punked. And like I said before, Romney’s known for being both a bully and a punkster. So I’d say keep it up.

Alternately, he could just stick with the math:

163,000 new jobs – 150,000 dropped out of the work force = 13,000 net new jobs

“Harry, I’ve got a gift.”