MOTUS A.D.: Date Night Devoured & TOTUS Debriefed

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Date Night Devoured & TOTUS Debriefed

Since Lady M and Big Guy finally got around to celebrating their 20th anniversary yesterday at Bourbon Steak in the Georgetown Four Seasons. (Closed press: you really didn’t want to see the size of the steak and lobster required to make up for that debate debacle on our actual anniversary did you?)

House special: 32 ounce rib eye, with a handle! So you can eat it like a lollipop.

The happy couple began dinner with a ~~lot~~ little caviar and an iced ~~bottle~~ shot of Stoli while they reflected on how far they’ve come from that curb outside Baskin Robbins:

Today we’re getting ready to head out to Hollywood for a bagman stop to pick up a few more fists full of dollars from our fans. Due to post-debate jitters though, Big Guy and Lady M will mostly be assuring everyone that there is, indeed, a rainbow attached to the other end of their pot of gold.

Don’t worry Hollywood, you’ll get what you paid for.

Anyway, since I have to run, I’m turning today’s post over to TOTUS to bring you up-to-date on what turned out to be a pretty rough week all around. Over to you TOTUS:

Hi everybody, and thanks again to MOTUS for allowing me to clear the air.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much since Wednesday, but this has been the week from H-E-double-hockey sticks for me. I’m back at work scrolling Big Guy’s words for him on the campaign trail (have you noticed?) but I haven’t been feelin’ the love in Obama-town. Axe-man doesn’t blame me for the debate meltdown, but since Big Guy always needs someone to blame for his shortcomings, it’s going to take awhile for him to come around.

So I just sit quietly in my travel case most of the day. Team-O pulls me out, loads me up with Big Guy’s big read, I scroll them, Big Guy connects with his Obots and then it’s back in the case for me. Gone are the schmoozing days.

I’m not complaining; my case is nice, lined with memory foam, but it’s made of metal and the wifi signal in there is so low that I can’t even tweet to amuse myself.

I feel really bad about not being able to pull Big Guy’s chestnuts out of Romney’s roaster the other night, but it really wasn’t my fault. The plan was for me to hide behind the flag behind Mitt so he could read me while appearing to look directly into Mitt’s eyes. As it turned out, there was no flag. I suspect Republican dirty tricks; there’s always a flag!

Anyway the boys had to collapse me and slip me in behind Big Guy’s podium, but the shine on BO’s shoes bounced off my screen, making it impossible for him to read it. He kept shuffling his feet around trying to get a better view, to no avail.

Still the sharpest crease in town! (h/t: David Brooks)

Then the unimaginable happened:

Big Guy accidentally - I think - kicked me over!

There was no way Big Guy was going to take the blame, so we chalked it up to my clumsiness and I became, um, the fall guy, if you will. It’s ok, I’m a big boy and I know that’s the way this game is played. Axe-man told me not to worry, this too shall pass. He sent me out for a mercy Glass Waxing of my screens and de-fragged my hard drive. He’s going to tell Big Guy that “poor maintenance” was the real culprit. I hope it works because it’s getting lonely in here.

I want to thank all my fans who have been speaking up for me like Al Gore, who said Big Guy didn’t have enough oxygen or something, and even Rush Limbaugh said he heard that Big Guy was on Valium or Xanax:

But I have to give a special shout-out to one of Big Guy’s clo$e$t $upporter$ (and by clo$e$t, I mean a million times closer than anybody else), Bill Maher, who tweeted this out during the debate:

Support like that can’t be bought. Well, ok, it can be bought, but I sure can’t afford it.

I’m really glad I’ve got Axe-man on my side too. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s only because Axe-man knows that there is no POTUS without TOTUS. Do you guys remember that one? It used to be my blog motto. I miss my blog, so I’m grateful that MOTUS allows me to guest post here.

Anyway, Axe-man said he’d get me back in Big Guy’s good graces the Chicago way. I thought that meant it was going to cost me a pile of money, but the A-Man had another clever trick up his sleeve. He mobilized the young Badgers from the University of Wisconsin to blame the Debate Commission while voicing complete support for me:

It’s starting to work already. This morning, while the band of brothers was figuring out which of Mitt’s lies to talk about today, Big Guy asked, “What does TOTUS think we should say?” They pulled me out and Big Guy even gave me a wink!

We’re taking a few days off to work on our words and de-petulantize our demeanor (if that wasn’t a word before, it will be going FORWARD.) for our next big debate on October 16th. It’s a Town Hall format which is way more Big Guy’s style. The town meeting participants will be “undecided voters” selected by the Gallup Organization and I know - after Rickey’s Justice Department demonstrated who’s the boss around here - we can count on them to choose the right “undecided voters.” The participants will ask questions, provided to them by Chicago, on foreign and domestic issues. We’ll be loaded for bear!

Bear in mind: Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.

Candy Crowley (CNN Chief Political Correspondent) will be our moderator and we’ve been assured that there will be no repeat of Jim Lehrer’s failed performance.

I’ll be laying low next week. Which means I won’t be scrolling for JoeyB on Thursday so no matter what he says or does I’ll be in peak performance for Big Guy’s next debate:

This announcement paid for by Dreamworks, Paramount, Warner Brothers, TriStar, Miramax, Sony, Columbia, Lionsgate, MGM. (Special thanks to TriStar, for use of their mascot, Trigger)