MOTUS A.D.: How to make unemployment work for you!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

How to make unemployment work for you!

Good news for Big Guy: Based on the newest household survey, unemployment dropped below 8% for the first time in 44 months!!!

To track this surprisingly robust recovery, we need to track the new Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) survey that has the talking heads all wagging their tongues. It seems nobody as yet has been able to rationally explain how the unemployment rate dropped when the number of new jobs created in September was lower than the number of new jobs created in August (which was also lower than the number of jobs created in July) and the overall number of unemployed Americans is higher than it was the month before.

The answer of course lies with “mathamagicals.” Mathamagicals let you take a bad news day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile:

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it.

So like Professor Jacobson said, it’s not going to be productive to talk about how Big Guy “cooked the books’ since the numbers speak for themselves.

Here’s the deal, nobody really thinks Big Guy would have a clue how to “cook the books” himself anyway. For that, he relies on his little people who determine the “methodology” being employed over at the BLS. I know, I know! “Butt MOTUS, all of the experts have weighed in saying either a) there’s no way to ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never written a computer model) or, b) there’s no way BLS would ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never worked in a political hierarchy, public or private), so that can’t be it!”

Let’s just say where there’s a will, a cog in the wheel will find a way. And we’ve got lots of cogs. If you enjoy technobabble you can go directly to the Bureau of Labor Statistics website for an explanation.

Butt let’s not get wonky. Is it cooking the books if you revise the sampling and methodology to drive the desired result? I don’t know, you’d have to ask a scientific researcher for an answer to that. Butt I can tell you WON or two of our little tricks; we can tweak the number of people landing in the “labor participation” pool just by how we pose the question “are you looking for work?” This month for example, we focused on encouraging people who have been out of work for 12 months or more to re-classify themselves as “independent contractors.” That sounds a lot better than “loser out of work for 12 months or more” don’t you think? So did many of the chronically unemployed so they chose option 3, “self-employed.” It’s good for your self-esteem and we all know how important that is.

As many bloggers know, being Self-employed is better than unemployed:

Will blog for tips

So now we count all the currently unengaged consultants as self-employed, even if they’ve never booked one dime of revenue! Welcome to the President’s “molasses” recovery (I hope that’s not racist). At the rate were going, half of America will be “self-employed” by the end of Big Guy’s second term.

Please Help: become an unemployed independent consultant today

Because remember, unemployment masquerading as self-employment allows everybody to feel better about themselves, especially Big Guy.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

So, for those of you who have switched over from politics to football for the season, let me frame this unemployment situation in more manly football terms: The old coach got fired after a 4 and 12 season and was replaced by a new coach who posted a 3 and 13 season his first year. The 2nd year, the team slipped to 2 and 14, and the 3rd year to 1 and 15. Butt in the 4th year of his leadership he manages to bring the team around to 4 and 12 and then argues that he should get another 4 year contract because he managed to get the team back to where they were when the old coach got fired. (h/t Frank Beckmann)

I smell victory, don’t you?

On another topic, I gather from your comments that most of you did not LOVE Lady M’s dress from the new Jason Wu collection?

At least it’s well ventilated: looks like the upholstery they use for those high-end autos with air conditioned seats

She just can’t please you people can she? I mentioned your concern with her timeless, seasonless bare guns and get her to wear a little mini-me as a nod to autumn in Cincinnati, and you’re still not happy.