Uh oh! Did you see this? Russia convicted the Pussy Cat Riot and put them in jail for 2 years!
Just for making fun of President Putin! I knew this sort of hooliganism could be a career-buster, butt I swear - I did not know it was illegal! Maybe you can only make fun of Republicans.
I guess it’s just one more reminder that we live in dangerous times. I think I’ll check in with Raj this afternoon and do our monthly firewall test a few weeks early; just to make sure everything is still all shored up. Not that I’m worried about making fun of our president. He’s got a great sense of humor, and it’s still legal here, right?
Besides, I don’t really make fun of Big Guy. I don’t have to.
Unemployment rises in 44 of the 57 states. Up to 12% in Nevada. 9% in Michigan (where Big Guy saved the auto industry – otherwise Michigan might have beaten Nevada, where Big Guy told people not to go to waste their money. And apparently it IS working, because yesterday I saw Morgan-Stanley/Smith Barney holding their summer conference at a local Coney Island.).
Well, I’ve got to run now. I’ve got to pick the August harvest from Lady M’s organic Garden of Good and Evil; which is to say, I’ve got to go to the farmer’s market to buy some reasonable facsimiles for a photo op.
Tomorrow I’ll provide analysis of Lady M’s recently discovered Harvard essay in support of the anti-meritocracy. It’s a good one!
Friday already, and there’s a lot of family news to catch up on that I didn’t get a chance to cover during the week.
First, let me be clear, if Big Guy had a half-brother in Kenya, he’d look just like George Obama.
…just an old sweet song keeps George-O on my mind
In fact he does - have a half-brother in Kenya that is. And it is George! And if you look closely you can even see the family resemblance.
Apparently George has fallen on hard times and his son (Big Guy’s nephew) needed surgery that George couldn’t afford. So he did what any father would do, he reached out to the only brother he knew that would help him: Dinesh D’Souza. I guess he tried to call Big Guy, butt he was unavailable, uninterested or just disinclined to pitch in.
Just like Hillary when BO called on her to help out.
Vice President? Yeah, no. Thanks for asking, butt I have to stay home and wash my hair.
Oh well, at least our negotiations with Hill landed us an endorsement and speech from Big Dawg at the convention.
Anyway, from half-brothers to mother-in-laws, we just couldn’t get away from family controversy this week. After Big BO’s slip up (placing Little Bo’s charm-potential ahead of Granny R’s) he immediately recovered and ingratiated himself back into her good graces:
“You know, I love my mother-in-law, too - that’s where Michelle got her looks from.”
Of course that landed him back in Lady M’s dog house, for obvious reasons:
No further commentary necessary
So we quickly moved on to a much sweeter story: the “first kiss” as related to no other than the first Big O in Chicago - the Oprah herself. Commemorating the composite first kiss, a lovely plaque on a rock was placed at the site of the actual event:
And how sweet is this? It was at a Baskin Robbins – which explains the “tastes like chocolate” remark. Despite the fact that BO is half white, it wasn’t a racist comment after all, regardless of what Touré thinks about the use of racial coding to access “some really deep stereotypes.”
Butt enough about racial animosity in this historical post racial presidency. This marker will no doubt be just the first in a series of plaques about our historic presidency all across America.
Although I see they did create a special ice cream to mark the “first composite kiss” :
Although this will NEVER replace the ever popular Barocky Road ice cream they created back in ‘09 to commemorate the inauguration:
And I guess as long as we’re talking about illegal pleasures, I should note for the record that Lady M tried to make up for all the backlash she got for scolding little Gabby for eating her Egg McMuffin. She temporarily hopped off the healthy eating chuck wagon and gave Big Guy the green light to enjoy his deep-fried Twinkie at the Iowa State Fair:
"Even though you say I don't let you eat them, you eat what you want."
And don’t even think about getting started with me!
After all, I didn’t build this dog eating thing into a controversy; somebody else did that.
Our historic postmodern, post racial, post partisan president is not the perfect president, as he himself has acknowledged. Butt Lady M? She is perfect: the perfect wife, perfect mom and perfect First Lady. Butt you already knew that.
The perfect MOm, home from another day of sacrificin’
So welcome to Big Guy’s postmodern presidency (PMP) that evolves around his own sun and resides in its own alternate universe. Of course, he didn’t build that himself. The MSM built that for him.
Allow me to cover some of the more salient points of the PMP universe:
Because he’s a Democrat, and therefore champion of all minorities. So it doesn’t matter what words come out of his mouth even if they happen to be something like “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," which would be racist if they came out of the mouth of a rich white Republican who hates black people and wants to kill your babies.
National Field Marshal for the New Black Panthers King Samir Shabazz, explains how the New Black Panthers are implementing Big Guy’s call for a civilian national security force:
Goodness! That sort of takes your breath away. Those people (is that racist?) make the Reverend Wright sound like a boy scout.
So what does constitute racism in PMP world? Glad you asked: just about anything a Republican candidate says about anything, especially if it can be tied in some way to our PMP. For example, when Romney criticized Big Guy for dropping work requirements for welfare recipients by fiat, the verdict was swift: racist - according to our official “Truth Team”
In this postmodern, post racial, post partisan world all truth is relative, all political attacks are deemed to be equalin order to make things fair. Here, Breitbart analyzes Politico’s analysis:
Politico…cites the following attacks:
From Vice President Joe Biden: “They gonna put ya’ll back in chains.”
From Mitt Romney: “Mr. President, take your campaign of division and anger and hate back to Chicago and let us get about rebuilding and reuniting America.”
From Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt: Romney is “unhinged.”
From Obama: Romney put a dog on the roof of his car.
From Romney: Biden’s comments on coal, in which he said that coal caused more deaths than terrorism, showed his lack of vision for the country.
The Obama campaign has called Romney a felon and a murderer.
You may be noticing a pattern: Romney’s campaign is responding to the repulsive vitriol of the Obama campaign by calling them out on promoting “division, anger, and hate.” The Obama campaign is calling Romney an incipient slaver, an insane person, a criminal, and a killer. These are not equivalent. Romney attacks Obama on his coal policy; Obama attacks Romney on having a dog on his car roof decades ago. These are not equivalent.
So, when R2 accuses Team Obama of cutting $700 billion from current Medicare recipients, arbitrarily and capriciously, to fund other Obamacare programs, Big Guy’s team says: “yeah, but Romney flew his horse to the Olympics.” See there, they’re equal. Because Romney is a Republican. And Rich. And he abuses his pets.
And if he’d do this to his horse, what would he do to poor brown people? H/T JVR
You should also note, in case you haven’t yet, that in our alternate universe, taking $700 billion out of Medicare coverage for CURRENT participants to fund Obamacare is not partisan; butt offering options for FUTURE Medicare participants in order to prevent it from going belly up is partisan. And racist! That’s all you really need to know.
And where the Gabby Gifford, Dark Knight and Sikh temple shootings were the result of Sarah Palin and the rightwing hate machine, theFamily Research Center (FRC) shooting doesn’t even warrant a mention, so apparently there was no hate there, just a nut. Unless you count the fact that the FRC is itself a hate group, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center. And who would know a hate group when they see it better than the SPLC?
And again, please note for your records of postmodern, post racial, post partisan America that the Fort Hoot shooting was a case of workplace violence while the Sikh temple shooting was a hate crime. No-ooo, the FRC shooting was NOT a hate crime. As I just explained, the FRC is a hate group:
Even after the shooting of a security guard at the Family Research Council, the Huffington Post can’t stop slamming the pro-family group as a “hate group.” The Huffington Post waited less than 3 hours before publishing an article which complained about “the Family Research Council, which the Southern Poverty Law Center deems a hate group.”
Therefore, any retaliation against said “hate group” is deemed to be a case of legal stand-your-ground self-defense.
Okay then, I guess that’s enough philosophical political science education for one day. There’s a lot more subject matter to cover and I’ll try to do that as the campaign season heats up.
Okay, deep breath. I guess I’m getting a little ahead of myself…butt yikes! This could be huge. Take yesterday for instance; Mitt just went out there and whacked Big Guy and Little Joe from here to Chicago and back - without TOTUS, just a couple of notes! On the palm of his hand.
Wow! Imagine speaking eloquently with just a few notes. The last time someone did that, Jimmy went down for the count. Remember?
“They tell us we must learn to live with less, and teach our children that their lives will be less full and prosperous than ours have been; that the America of the coming years will be a place where — because of our past excesses — it will be impossible to dream and make those dreams come true.
I don't believe that. And, I don't believe you do either. That is why I am seeking the presidency.
I cannot and will not stand by and see this great country destroy itself.
Our leaders attempt to blame their failures on circumstances beyond their control, on false estimates by unknown, unidentifiable experts who rewrite modern history in an attempt to convince us our high standard of living, the result of thrift and hard work, is somehow selfish extravagance which we must renounce as we join in sharing scarcity.
I don't agree that our nation must resign itself to inevitable decline, yielding its proud position to other hands. I am totally unwilling to see this country fail in its obligation to itself and to the other free peoples of the world.”
Ronald Reagan, 1979
Yep, Ronnie used to write up his own notes by hand too. In fact, Ronaldus Magnus was thinking and writing – yes, at the same time – constantly; even though the Media used to talk about how stupid he was. They even accused him of not being able to walk and chew gum at the same time, remember? Boy, were they ever wrong!
About Ronnie too.
Butt I tell you what, let’s not talk about this anymore, okay? It’s starting to make people nervous, so I think we’ll change the subject. And talk about something else. Like slavery and shackles, or wind power…or how about this proven diversionary tactic:
Dogs. Yes siree! Dogs are back on the table. Metaphorically speaking of course.
“After sanctimoniously complaining about making a ‘big election about small things,’ President Obama continues to embarrass himself and diminish his office with his un-presidential behavior.” Romney spokesman Ryan Williams
“If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.”
Or, a Great Communicator:
“But I never thought it was my style or the words I used that made a difference: It was the content. I wasn't a great communicator, but I communicated great things, and they didn't spring full bloom from my brow, they came from the heart of a great nation — from our experience, our wisdom, and our belief in principles that have guided us for two centuries. They called it the Reagan revolution. Well, I'll accept that, but for me it always seemed more like the great rediscovery, a rediscovery of our values and our common sense.”
Ronald Reagan, on being dubbed “The Great Communicator”
Where, exactly, were our stylists? What do they think they’re on the Big Black Bus for, if not to avoid unfortunate photo ops like this one of Big Guy out standing in his field?
You sure don’t need me to point out the failed optics of this unfortunate metaphor:
Four More years? Of this?
As our War Planner succinctly put it “How utterly metaphoric is this shot of our clueless POTUS standing in a drought-stricken Iowa corn field trying to ignite the magic of four years ago.”
And speaking of stylists…
and unfortunate photo ops:
“My guns are bigger than your legs.”
Which one of the ladies-in-waiting thought that this tie-dyed “floral” apron dress with the .50 caliber ammo boob belt would show well on national TV? And which of our brilliant public relations and new media specialists thought that pairing Lady M’s statuesque physique up against a petite teenaged gymnast would be a good idea? I’d like to see their papers.
The unfortunate matchup made Lady M cranky enough that she couldn’t help butt lash out at poor 80 pound Gabby when she told Jay she celebrated her 2 gold medal victories by enjoying a McDonald’s Egg McMuffin. That was entirely out of character. I mean, how many times has Mo herself told us that an “occasional” treat is okay? And if winning double Olympic golds isn’t an occasion, what is?
After all, it’s not as if Gabby said she had a Shake burger, fries, chocolate shake and a diet Pepsi like Lady M always does when she thinks she’s earned a little treat. So that’s how I could tell little Gabby really got under her skin.
I could snap you in two and eat you in two bites.
Sheeze! We really need to hold a staff meeting before things get any further out of hand. It’s not as if things aren’t already tense enough around here.
As I first reported on Saturday, the R2 team really got into Big Guy’s kitchen.Now it looks like they’re crawled right into his bread box.
Well, see for yourself; this just came in overnight:
MOTUS --
Congressman Paul Ryan is the poster boy for the extreme Republican leadership in a Congress whose overall approval rating is 12 percent. His plan to dismantle Medicare is deeply unpopular with the general public, and especially undecided voters.
You might be wondering why the hell Romney picked this guy. But this is a strategic pick that carries real danger for us.
Here's the calculation: Mitt Romney doesn't need or expect Paul Ryan to convince even one undecided voter to cast their ballot for him. That's not what he's on the ticket for. He's there to reassure and inspire ultraconservative ideologues and corporate interests that they will have one of their own a heartbeat from the presidency.
That means tens or even hundreds of millions more dollars for the Romney campaign and the array of outside groups supporting him -- and if current trends hold, more than 90 percent of that money will be spent on TV ads -- lying, distorting and trashing Barack Obama. Those ads will have more impact on undecided voters than anything Paul Ryan himself does or says.
Mitt Romney is convinced that picking Paul Ryan is a great investment for him. And his campaign is already touting the pledges and donations they've received as a result, with fundraising events planned for this week.
We're already being outraised, and we can't afford to fall further behind. Our records show that you're still waiting to make your first online donation -- now is the time.
Wow! Early August and we’re already pulling out the Howitzers. Medi-scare? Check. Ideologue? Check. Outraised by the evil rightwing attack machine? Well, technically, no.
Butt we do find it advantageous to be the underdog so we’ll keep beating that horse till it drops dead. It fit’s perfectly with our class warfare meme, and throwing in the “ideologue” tag was just inspired; it sounds so…villainous when slapped on an evil Republican.
Plus, it allows us to start lying attacking on a whole new front. For example, now Big Guy can accuse Ryan ofholding up the farm aid bill even though he voted for it, before sending it along to the Senate, where it’s currently being held hostage by the Dem’s.
Which brings us full circle - back to Iowa. Where we had a few beers with the folks (h/t: Bill O’Reilly):
and enjoyed a shave ice (sno-cones, as they’re called in fly-over, where it snows)
…before reentering our Field of Dreams. “Right this way sir, I’m sure there’s an alternate universe in here somewhere.”
Looking for the secret trap door that will take us back to the future.
It was such a big weekend, I think a recap is in order:
First, the numbers: Big Guy officially hit the big 200! Fundraisers that is; no other sitting president, living or dead has ever held that many in the first three and a half years of their first term. Or even their first seven and a half years. That takes an unusual amount of commitment and focus, butt it paid off. Not only did BO’s weekend performance post a personal best, butt it was also a world record.
The man too sexy for his shirt heads to another fundraiser in Chicago yesterday
Just because the rally with the cheap seats was only half full doesn’t mean his supporters don’t still love BO, it just means they’re out of work and can’t afford the price of admission any more.
Butt speaking of records: Team USA broke another Olympic record for total medals - we’re Number 1!
Not to gloat, butt we whipped China’s butt, and they cheat. At everything.
Plus, Lady M turned in a record-breaking sack of cash this weekend from her sweep of the enclaves of the rich and famous one percenters. She was particularly grateful for the chance to fleece meet with the Hollywood glitterati, giving a shout out to her host, Gwen Stefani:
"I mean, they are letting all of us just enter their house, all the chaos, and they're being so good about it today. So thank you, guys, for letting us come -- indeed."
Indeed. She proceeded to explain how important they all were in the upcoming election:
"Barack can't do it alone. He's not Spider-Man. He's not a superhero. He's a human, so we need your help.
I don’t want to tick Lady M off, butt while Big Guy may not be Spiderman, clearly, he’s some kind of superhero!
Here I come to save the day!
Lady M continues…
I am not just talking to the adults here today. I am talking to the young people here as well. All of our young people -- you might not be old enough to vote. You vote at school, I know -- I met several young people who are going to be voting for my husband, who are 10 and under -- we accept those votes.
And why wouldn’t we accept those votes? We accept all votes: young ones, old ones and the previously undead ones. They all count, butt some count twice as many times. Right?
No pictures allowed at Gwen’s soiree of course, butt trust me, Lady M was stunning in her blue sundress:
Lift-off: must be that “head full of fluffy nonsense” providing the loft (h/t Clarice). Either that or Lady M has super powers too.
And of course the really big news last weekend came from David Axelrod, Obama-Brain and Spokes-mouth, who referred to Romney’s chosen Vice Presidential running mate Paul Ryan as a "certifiable right-wing ideologue,"as if that’s a bad thing.
Meet the Obam-O-logues: certifiably left-winged
As we all know, only “certifiable left-wing ideologues” can make “the rise of the oceans begin to slow and our planet begin to heal.” While certified left-wing ideologues use their super powers to save the planet, certifiable right-wing ideologues use their evil powers only to “thrill the most strident voices” in the Republican party while yammering about “fiscal responsibility” and “saving the economy.” Heartless bastards.
So I guess David Axelrod is right, this election is going to come down to a clear choice:
Obama-Biden: save the planet from the rising oceans:
or, R2: save the country from the rise in socialism.
Choose wisely.
And this just in from the weekend clean-up crew: there’s bias in the Media! Yes, really. There were 10,000 citations of Paul Ryan’s plan to “gut” Medicare this weekend and not one mention of the fact that Obamacare cuts $700 billion out of Medicare in one fell swoop in order to help the poor! I suppose they’re saving that for later in the campaign, after they think of a way to use it in order to help R2.
While giving Stephanie Cutter - the one person who knows everything about it – a complete pass!Can you believe it?
Well, maybe Sgt. Schultz did know a little something about it, butt assumed you did too. Or something.
Still, I’m pretty sure that David, head of Big Guy’s reelection campaign, didn’t. Know anything that is.
Meanwhile, I’m looking forward to more coverage of Romney’s refusal to release those 10 years of tax returns during which he paid zero taxes.
And if, like me, you missed the closing ceremonies at the Olympics because of all the other big campaign news, here they are:
Zombies celebrating
This sure looks like an interesting way to wrap things up. They’re dancing zombies in case you didn’t recognize them. I understand their next gig will be in Chicago on November 6. Don’t miss them.
And finally, here’s one last bit of news that might have slipped under your radar due to other pressing weekend engagements: Egypt’s Islamist President Sacks Powerful Army Chief…military coup to follow. I added that last part myself, butt you can take it to Vegas.
So that’s it: I think we’re all up too date on the latest news from the alternate universe now. You are now free to get on with your week.
While everybody else has been wowed by the new R2 team, let me just point out that Lady M was busy wowing the crowd herself in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
“Well, thank you so much. Wow, I didn’t know there were this many people here. This is so, so cool. Thank you. I am beyond thrilled to be here. I mean, this is a beautiful state. And just being here just reminds us just how blessed we are to live in this country.”
In fact, she set a new world record for using “just” three times in a non-compound sentence! It could be the altitude, or possibly just the natural beauty of Jackson Hole, one of the highest per capita income zip codes in the nation.
While not normally Lady M’s kind of place – too much nature, not enough shopping – she was quite taken with this mountain enclave of the 0.1% Wall Street bears. And she’ll be back.
“And I guarantee you, we will be back. I mean, this is a place that I want my mother to see, I want my girls to see. (Applause.) So you can guarantee we will be back. We’re just going to handle a few things over the next -- (laughter) -- couple of months, and we will be back.”
Anyway, for those keeping track of these things, Lady M’s 30 minute address in Jackson Hole also contained an even dozen of her trademark rhetorical “rights?” -which isn’t even close to her personal best (20) let alone a new record. Although she did tie the all time score for belaboring a point with this remark:
“It’s like Barack has always said: It just takes one voice to change a room. And if one voice can change a room, it can certainly change a city. And if it can change a city, it can change a state. And if it can change a state, it can change a nation.”
I think that deserves a silver medal. Or at least a hug from future Olympians.
Here’s the deal: just because Romney picked just the running mate Team Obama was HOPE-ing for doesn’t mean we can just stopsacrificin’ around here. We still need scads of money to fight the R2 team that wants to throw granny over the cliff and kill more former steel worker’s wives. Those ads are really expensive.
Although MO would have loved to have spent more time at one of the many spas in Jackson Hole, alas, it was just a brief stop to “touch Indians” and bag the proceeds. Then on to Colorado for more of the same:
More touching Indians in Aurora
Butt our real destination for this trip: LA. We’ll be taping the Tonight show on Monday and attending several fund raisers, including one at Gwen Stefani’s house! We’ll need an armored truck for the proceeds from those Indians.
And don’t think Big Guy is sloughing off either. Before departing on Saturday for five (5!) Birthday fundraisers in Chicago on Sunday, Big Guy heldhis annual Iftar dinner Friday evening.
Somehow Abe always makes BO look like a little man.
The Big White Iftar dinner is an important gesture which demonstrates that religious freedom in America is still alive and enthusiastically supported by your President, as long as it isn’t a hateful religion that wages war against women’s reproductive rights, like Catholics.
Also, for the very first time in Olympic history, every team now includes a woman athlete. And one of the reasons is that every team from a Muslim-majority country now includes women as well. And more broadly -- that's worth applauding. (Applause.) Absolutely.
“absolutely”
No way this costume will be detrimental to performance
More broadly, we’ve seen the extraordinary courage of Muslim women during the Arab Spring -- women, right alongside men, taking to the streets to claim their universal rights, marching for their freedom, blogging and tweeting and posting videos, determined to be heard. In some cases, facing down tanks, and braving bullets, enduring detentions and unspeakable treatment, and at times, giving their very lives for the freedom that they seek -- the liberty that we are lucky enough to enjoy here tonight.
“And more broadly” – isn’t that a little…sexist?
Butt I digress, I’m wondering in which alternate universe the Arab Spring was about women’s rights?Or, for that matter,human rights? Maybe I need to read up on it a bit more, because the last time I checked the Muslim Brotherhood looked to be the big winner and their women’s and human rights record is, shall we say, “spotty.”
And I know this is just being picky, butt about Big Guy’s contention that:
"The first Muslim ambassador to the United States, from Tunisia, was hosted by President Jefferson, who arranged a sunset dinner for his guest because it was Ramadan --- making it the first known iftar at the White House, more than 200 years ago."
I don’t think that’s technically accurate. (H/T Charlie-rightwing-crazy) Not that accuracy has ever been an ironclad requirement of our transformational presidency, butt still; a shameless rewriting of history may be pushing even the elastic boundaries of post modernism a bit too far.
Anyway, Lady M couldn’t make the Iftar due to her money sweeping commitments in Massachusetts - because the only thing more important than demonstrating our support for the religion of peace is raising money to WTF.
Don’t feel bad though, Big Guy had a stand in for Lady M: Huma Abedin, wife of disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner and aide to Hillary Clinton. Huma is the latest in our roster of poster women against the Republicans War on Women.
The American people owe her a debt of gratitude -- because Huma is an American patriot, and an example of what we need in this country -- more public servants with her sense of decency, her grace and her generosity of spirit. So, on behalf of all Americans, we thank you so much. (Applause.)
Yes, thank you, Huma, for overseeing every minute of Hillary’s day.
And for sticking with your obviously warped husband and father of your child in order to allow him to rehabilitate his political career, because we really need more leaders like him.
I just report. 
A message from Obama headquarters
![bo_hollywood_star_thumb[1]](http://lh6.ggpht.com/-EO8zk29zxik/UC5mZIZHxzI/AAAAAAAAlig/3gZqGpiO0bc/s1600-h/bo_hollywood_star_thumb%25255B1%25255D%25255B7%25255D.png "bo_hollywood_star_thumb[1]")
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