MOTUS A.D.: The White House’s Genetically Modified Organism?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The White House’s Genetically Modified Organism?

Oh dear! Another scandal! And this time it involves Lady M. And possibly her hunky Executive Director, Sam Kass.

It seems that there is an unconfirmed story floating around that Lady M’s heralded “bread wheat” crop is in fact - gird yourself, this one’s a shocker…engineered wheat food product!!!!

Could this possibly be true!? And if so, who’s responsible?

OMG! Are those GMO seeds!??

I don’t know, butt allow me to provide a little information on deep background, after which I’d be happy to take a few questions.

First of all, GMO (genetically modified organisms) wheat seeds, hereafter referred to as GM wheat, is not even supposed to exist! Apparently it has been engineered, experimentally, by Monsanto (Evil Big Food company) – butt it’s not legally allowed to exist because…it hasn’t been approved by the Food and Drug Administration yet – and as we all know, if the Federal Government hasn’t approved it, it does not exist.

The phantom GM wheat crop in Oregon

So, how did this phantom wheat seed end up growing in that Oregon farmer’s field, let alone Lady M’s Organic Garden of Good and Evil (OGOGE)? We suspect sabotage.

Since we may, or may not, have some of this bad seed growing in the OGOGE it’s important to note that at this point we are deeply conflicted (as Monsanto was a big campaign contributor) about the use of GM wheat seed; and remain deeply shocked and appropriately concerned by the discovery that the wheat crop planted here could possibly contain evil seeds.

Now remember, this investigation is still ongoing, so I can’t tell you just yet who the fall guy will be.

All I can tell you is that Lady M knew nothing about it. Now let’s move on to my press briefing. And remember, this is all totally off the record.

MOTUS Press Briefing

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room

MOTUS: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the White House. Thanks for being here. Before I take your questions I just wanted to just say a couple of things. As you may have heard, Lady M will be hosting her annual Kid’s State Dinner next month for the 56 winners of last week’s Healthy Lunchtime Challenge contest. It will be very exciting. And will contain no GM food products. Now I'll go to your questions. Julie.

Q: We understand that there may be GM wheat planted in Lady M’s organic garden of good and evil. Is that true?

MOTUS: There appears to be the possibility that GM wheat may have been found in the garden. Butt at this point, we are awaiting confirmation from the FDA that the wheat is actually GM.

Q: When did the Big White discover that GM wheat was planted in the garden?

MOTUS: I appreciate the question. We learned about this at the same time you did, from the Fox News report this morning. Butt let me caution, at this point we do not know with certainty whether the wheat is GM. Nor do we know whether it was planted intentionally, or is simply the result of a few over zealous “volunteers” who inadvertently transported the seeds into the garden via the bird, raccoon or other wild animal droppings which are a substantial part of the garden’s organic fertilizers.

Q: Legal experts say that it would be illegal for the First Lady to plant GM wheat in her internationally acclaimed organic garden of good and evil on two counts:

a garden can not be classified as “organic” if it contains GM plantings, and

GM wheat has not been approved by the FDA.

MOTUS: Let me just say that the law is irrelevant here. Next question.

Q: Who actually planted the GM wheat?

MOTUS: Look, I appreciate that question, butt I think I’ve already addressed your concern. As I said we do not yet know exactly who planted the GM wheat, whether in fact it even is GM wheat, and, as you know, the Department of the Interior has overall responsibility for plantings on federal land and they are currently conducting a thorough investigation. Our information to date indicates that if in fact it is GM, it was planted by a couple of bad apples acting on their own.

And if it turns out to be GM wheat, we fully intend to take all steps necessary to address the situation.

Q: If I may follow-up, did anyone in the Big White authorize the planting of the GM wheat, and what was Chef Kass’ involvement?

MOTUS: Thank you for that question. As I said, Interior is conducting an investigation, and I would suggest directing that question to them. The Department of Interior is a completely non-political, independent agency of the federal government. No one in the Big White has or would interfere with any decision made by Interior.

The Head of Big Guy’s Department of Interior is a Real Jewel

Q: And Chef Kass?

MOTUS: Well, I said no one in the Big White, and I have no information to suggest that Chef Kass had any involvement with the wheat planting. Chuck.

Q: Has Lady M or anyone else in the Big White, used any of the harvest of GM wheat in bakery items, like bread or cupcakes?

MOTUS: I appreciate the question. You may remember that as part of Lady M’s important No Child’s Fat Behind initiative, the Big White kitchen is gluten free and no longer bakes bread or cupcakes. The booklets that are being distributed to you now, describe the principle elements of a healthy, gluten free , wheat free diet. Take a few minutes to look them over and I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Q: How much of the garden’s acreage was planted in GM wheat?

MOTUS: You know, we could go down the plant list. … We could even say what about the president’s birth certificate? Was that planted here too? Butt would that be a legitimate question?”

Q: Are you saying that Big Guy is a transplant? Or that he’s genetically engineered in some way?

MOTUS: I'm not even sure what your question is. I get the sort of basic motivation behind it. I think we just disagree on our basic view of the meaning of the term “planted.” And “modified.”

END
2:12 P.M. EDT