I Don’t Make The Rules, Hallmark Does (Redux)

You should know that I have a love-hate relationship with Hallmark Christmas movies. I sometimes love the simplistic, mind-numbing love stories with happy endings that require absolutely nothing of you other than your presence. No thinking, emoting, relating or empathizing really required for the 2 hours (or 90 minutes if you record and skip the commercials). You simply need to have the TV on to watch a misguided young woman’s drama as she finds her one true love and the real meaning of life all within 2-3 weeks in television time. It’s Christmas magic!

I hate the shallowness of it all, but for insomniacs it’s a bromide which you can set the TV timer to and nod off to. Completely inoffensive which is more than can be said of most offerings.

So, as it’s seemingly 6 month season finally draws to a close, I re-run the Hallmark Christmas movie post originally from December 31, 2020. It’s not too late to catch one.

I Don’t Make the Rules, Hallmark Does

Hello, my name is MOTUS  and I’m addicted to Hallmark Christmas movies – don’t judge, especially if your idea of a Christmas movie is Die Hard.

In fact, I’m watching one – A Boyfriend For Christmas - as I write this. It is one of the first of 5 Christmas themed movies that Hallmark made way back in 2004. There are now 136 Christmas movies if Wiki is to be believed, although I’m not sure if that includes the whopping 40 new ones they cranked out in 2020 despite the cooties. So I think we can all agree then when I say of Hallmark:

Now when I say I’m “watching” I mean that in the same way I once “watched” Fox and Friends First when I woke up at 5 AM: it is providing a low buzz of background noise as I work on my post. And for about 6 months at this longitude it also provides background light in an otherwise dark bedroom.

Now I’ll bet there are some of you that pride yourselves on never having seen a Hallmark Christmas movie. Too bad, as that means you are unfamiliar with the unique genre in which 15 actors, 2 writers, 5 settings and a plot generator -

are used to create an endless array of escapist movies that are both cheesy and predictable while at the same time as comfortable as a pair of old jeans, assuming they still fit.

Up until this year the movies were, well, embarrassingly middle class and white.

But with BLM’s “encouragement” and the LBGBT community’s shaming, this year’s 40 entrees made up for that. You have never seen so many ethnic characters and mixed race couples enjoying Hallmark romance.

“Memories of Christmas,” “Majestic Christmas,” “Christmas Everlasting”

Plus, the yuletide has certainly never been gayer on the Hallmark channels.

But aside from those new twists, everything else is the same: a plot selected from the matrix above, a conflicted main character meets his or her true love but doesn’t realize it: tension/misunderstanding ensues followed by a happy ending. To say that the movies are formulaic is an insult to formulaic fiction, but then…did you miss the part about a happy ending? Every. Time.

Is there anyone out there who couldn’t benefit from a happy ending once a year or so?

And if you’re still not convinced allow me to point out other benefits of the genre: you can organize a whole evening of games around a Hallmark Christmas movie. There’s bingo of course:

And if that’s not enough there is the Hallmark Christmas Movie Drinking Game, which is basically bingo sans the markers.

So as the New Year approaches, and the Hallmark Christmas Movie season draws to a close – at least until July – you should consider catching one before it’s too late. There are worst things than happy endings you know…

Hijinks ensue.

Or you can just watch Die Hard again I suppose. It does have a happy ending so I suppose it technically qualifies.

Happy endings to one and all!