Living With Recession: It’s a Cinch

Want to know how you can tell we’re in the worst economic mess the country’s been in since the great depression? It isn’t because the deficit more than doubled since last year, languishing now around $1.4 trillion dollars (pre-healthcare, pre-second stimulus economic booster shot). It’s not even that Joey B shot his mouth off again - when we temporarily removed the gag - letting everyone know that the recession is now officially a depression.

No, silly. It’s because Lady M is being very frugal. Not only are we growing our own veggies (Which go for $24 a pound at the organic market. Regrettably we’ll have to pay that now that the growing season is over, unless we can build a White House greenhouse!), but we’re also recycling fashion accessories. For example, this morning we wore the same old boring black belt we’ve worn a thousand times before.

Here’s our new outfit that we wore it with today,

We headed over to the Veteran’s Affairs Department to thank all the hard working people over there for being proud of their country, even though their husbands haven’t been elected to the Presidency.

And here’s a zillion other times we’ve worn the same belt, starting on the campaign trail way last year!

View Full Album

You know, I hadn’t noticed this until now; but it looks like I need to get my trans-imaging lenses realigned. It looks like we’ve gained a little weight. And we know that’s not likely to be the case during a depression, so it must be me.

I hope you like this belt, because it looks like we’re stuck with it. Some jackass in the motor pool reinstalled the bondage belt in Bruno’s Hummer, so we won’t be able to cinch things up with that any more.

Technorati Tags: motus,michelle obama,veterans affairs,recession

Out FOXed

I know most of you just assumed that Rahmbo and Axe-man were behind Big White’s ban of Big FOX. But if you take a close look at this picture it might explain who’s really pulling the strings around here.

You’ll note that I’m standing on the left, projecting Lady M’s extraordinarily svelte silhouette. However some jackass from FOX slipped behind my security zone line and snapped this photo, clearly revealing the bottom heavy nature of my super-secret work.

Before the Secret Service could confiscate his chip he’d already uploaded it and now it’s been blasted all across the internet.

I’m meeting with Toes later today to discuss some language we might want to include in the “Net Neutrality” regulations that are being drafted over at the FCC.

PS If you want to see vintage footage of my buddy TOTUS on that non-supportive media channel before net neutrality takes him down, click here.

Technorati Tags: michelle obama,FOX News,net neutrality

Hope For Polls We Can Believe In

Stop already with the “Hillary is more popular” than Big Guy talk. We have enough to deal with around here without these incessant polls proving how racist Americans really are. If this keeps up, MO is not going to be proud of her country again.

We know that millions lots of you out there wanted to vote for Hillary. And you could have if she had won the primary. But thanks to the Chicago Diversity-in-Voting-Effort, funded and administered by ACORN,  Rahmbo and Ax-man were able to bus half the windy city homeless dudes into Iowa for the caucus, clinching it for Big Guy. The rest is history. 

I love Hillary, and would have been proud to serve her again, this time as MOTUS to POTUS instead of FLOTUS (assuming we could have worked something out on her cankle issue that didn’t involve cutting my legs off again) But apparently you all wanted “Change You Can Believe In.”

So the way I see it, these poll results make no sense what-so-ever. Big Guy is working hard to ram through deliver the change you thought you could believe in last year when you still had a job and a house.

So buck up. BO’s delivering on what he promised and Hillary’s perfectly happy carrying Senior Secretary of State Richard Holbrook’s briefcase. Besides, we’ve already seen the Bill and Hill show and while it was fun it was, well, so ‘90’s.

Time to move on to something a little more progressive, don’t you think?

It’s refreshing to have a Nobel Peace Prize winner in the oval office who can use all the latest electronic devices. And who can minimize the benefit to the free world having a fashion forward first lady at the helm provides?

So let’s be a little more circumspect when you respond to those racist polls next time, OK?

Technorati Tags: Hillary Clinton,Barack Obama,polls

Sexual Healing

While Mo and I were covering Florida, Big Guy was  busy schmoozing in New Orleans and San Francisco; raising money for the Democratic Party. It was just like being back on the campaign trail – only we get to live in Big White! Because we won!

Anyway, a little cooling off period after that Latina melt down was probably a good idea. This Saturday’s date night is probably off anyway.

 

Things went as well as they could have for Big Guy. The homies in New Orleans are getting a little impatient because BO hasn’t rebuilt their homes yet like he promised. But they’re cutting him some slack because, well, he’s not Bush.

Meanwhile, up in San Fran, we had an intimate little dinner with Nancy Pelosi and friends ($34,000 per couple, which guarantees intimacy, even if Big Guy is going to be there).

Bo and Nancy: together on the fund raising trail 

Meanwhile, the LGBT  (that’s lesbian-gay-bi-sexual-transgendered for those of you in fly-over who live under a flower pot) community in SF is apparently growing a little restless.  A few of them even had the audacity to protest, if you can imagine.

It seems they don’t think BO is keeping his promises to them either. They thought by now they would be able to legally marry in all 50 states, ask and tell in the military and provide all the floral arrangements at the White House.

But it seems he hasn’t delivered on the gold-standard of promises yet: a transgendered person on the White House staff. And it’s not as if they haven’t applied. Theresa Sparks, San Francisco Human Rights Director, said:

"Anecdotally, I found out they weren't ready for a transgender person to go through a senate confirmation hearing," Sparks says, noting her information comes from talking "to people who've talked to people."

And that’s always a good source. That’s where ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN and MSNBC get there information too. Although in this case it seems she has hard evidence to back up her anecdotal claim. It seems Ms/Mr Sparks her/himself applied for 2 positions in the administration. Here’s what she discovered:

"I was told, anecdotally: A. I'm too controversial and they don't want to put someone like me in a senate confirmation hearing, and; B. It was too risky to put someone up for a nomination who'd worked for a sex toy company.” Sparks was CEO of San Francisco sex toy retailer Good Vibrations until last fall.

Theresa Sparks, Whatever.

I think I have an idea that results in everything ending well for everybody. Theresa: if you could supply the right “toy”, date night would be back on and you could be appointed Intimate Relationship Czar (no Senate confirmation required).

On the Freedom Trail

Yesterday was just crazy.

First we headed down to Miami-Dade College to speak at the Freedom Tower about the value of service. In case you don’t remember, the Freedom Tower, a national historic landmark, was used in the 1960s by immigration officials to process thousands of refugees fleeing the Cuban revolution. But that was before we knew what a great historic leader Fidel was.

The gist of Lady M’s speech was to let kids know that it’s becoming increasingly cool among today's youth to be involved in public service. She told them how much she sacrificed by leaving her big time job at a law firm to work for the public interest. But she expressed her concern over how to harness that interest over the long-term. You know, like after they grow up and need to move out of mom and dad’s basement:

“How do we counter those voices that tell them, ‘Well, if you don't get paid a lot money for what you do, then maybe what you do really isn't that valuable.’  Or voices that say, ‘Well, that's awfully nice that you want to do service, but when are you going to get a real job?,’” she asked.

I can’t really answer that, other than to say that from what I can tell all the former presidents and first ladies can make a lot of money after they leave the Big White.

Anyway, right after that pitch, we flew up to Elgin Air Force Base in Pensacola Fort Walton Beach (the red-neck Riviera for those not familiar) (Correction H/T to MOTUS fav Adrian Monk) to address military families. It was way hotter there. Apparently the military can’t afford air conditioning, what with their funding being diverted to the Charlie Rangel School for his defense fund and other important projects. The paramedics had to treat a few people for heat exhaustion, and even Mo commented on how hot it was. She also shed her lavender J.Crew sweater from earlier in the day. Let’s be honest, everyone came to see her toned arms anyway, and she –like the trooper she is – didn’t let them down. See. It isn’t always about her.

Technorati Tags: Miami-Dade,Freedom Tower,Elgin

Vaya con Dios B***h!

Enough already about the salsa dance! I don’t usually embed videos, because they often loose my trans-imaging effects and reverse the refraction, but since the buzz won’t die down, I’ll make an exception for this:

It’s all over the news and the web that Mo gave Bo the cold shoulder after he went trotting with that little Mexican hotty, Thalia. As usual though, the media only gets it half right.

What really had Lady M torqued-off was the fact she specifically told Big Guy: no dancing at the Fiesta, dude. It had nothing to do with that picante vixen from the other side of the Rio Grande. It’s because every time she sees him out trying to cut the rug, all she can think of is “how in God’s name can a black man have so little rhythm!?!” And then she remembers about her white mother-in-law (may she rest in peace) and there’s no dealing with her for at least another 10 hours.

We haven’t had this much ice in the East Wing since that flap over Big Guy ogling the behind of that underage Brazilian chick. If you thought the apology tour was over at the end of the European trip, you should’ve been around the Big White the next week!

I think things have calmed down now. Mo promised to forgive BO for embarrassing her, and BO promised to have Thalia deported.

 

Technorati Tags: Thalia,Obama,Fiesta Latina

Para Bailar LO Bama,

Seriously, is there anything happier than Latino music? Salsa, merengue –hot, hot, hot!  Yesterday was Fiesta Latina night at La Casa Blanco, and there was a lot of singing and dancing.

 George Lopez, Eva Longoria and Jimmy Smits

But first, I should mention that this big event took place “under the stars” on the South lawn. Well, actually under a big top. And while I’m sure the imagery of Mo and Bo having a “big tent” party will play well, I’m just hoping all their new Latin BFF don’t find out that the first two events in Lady M’s music series – jazz and country – were both held in the East Room. INSIDE the Big White.

But I tell you what, if the Latin beat doesn’t get you on your feet, you’re either comatose or British. Big guy, being neither - that we know of - was up on stage dancing the night away. I know, I know - he clearly got his rhythm from his white grandma. All the more reason to give him kudos for sashaying his booty around with JLo (the bitch), Mo and the girls while Thalía  sang “Amor a la Mexicana.”

As you can see, Lady M was radiant in her black top festooned with little gold squares. But I wished she had gone with something a little, well, hotter.  More like the one she wore to the Hispanic Caucus Awards Dinner. Although it might just be the big red globe that made it look hot.

Here’s another shot of the big tent out on the lawn:
By the way, that’s Sheila E. on the left. She used to be the sidekick of the artist previously and currently known as Prince. He could give Lady M a run for her money in the “best toned biceps” department. And that boy knows a thing or two about bling too.

All the guests raved about the event, with the only teensy-tiny criticism coming from Jose Feliciano  who said the concert was good, but Latin performers should be “part of the whole,” not just trotted out for Hispanic heritage month. Specifically, he said  “… the only time that Latinos are called upon is when the elections are around,” But that’s obviously not true, since Big Guy isn’t going to need them again until 2010.

Besides, I think Jose is biased. I happen to know for a fact that he played a gig here during the Reagan administration.

But over all, great party: great food, fun pink and green drinks, and music to die for. Huge, huge success: the grounds crew is still cleaning up confetti.

Technorati Tags: obama,fiesta latina night,JLo,thalia

Ga-Ga For Human Rights

You probably heard about Big Guy’s speech at the Gay Rights Rally. What? Oh. Correction, at the Human Rights Campaign dinner. He didn’t really know about the rally on the Mall, someone switched his Blackberry off.

Lady Gaga at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner

Anyway, it’s hard to keep all these events straight (that’s a tasteful little gay joke)that Lady Gaga shows up at .

Lady Gaga with Obama Ears

And let me make this perfectly clear: I love gay people. While I haven’t worked directly for too many of them (I wasn’t around for the Nixon or Carter administrations), I certainly interact with them regularly in wardrobe, and they’re the best.

But I was  puzzled over Big Guy’s comments:

Speaking at the black-tie event, President Obama assessed the progress made by the gay agenda, saying, "despite the real gains that we’ve made, there’s still laws to change and there’s still hearts to open."

Maybe it was just the issue with the subject/verb agreement that got me all wee-weed up (TOTUS, where were you?), but there was more:

President Obama delivered an impassioned speech in which he criticized the concept of the  traditional family and announced that his administration will work to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA.)

I’m not sure he cleared that one with Lady M, because she’s still pretty much into the traditional family concept, and doesn’t really want any threesomes in the Big White. She said that’s where all Bill Clinton’s problems started.

He’s only Human

But the big wrap was this:

"That’s why I continue to speak about the importance of equality for LGBT families, and not just in front of gay audiences.  That’s why Michelle and I have invited LGBT families to the White House to participate in events like the Easter Egg Roll, because we want to send a message."

Seriously, Joey or Rahmbo or somebody has got to tell Big Guy that he’s not on the campaign trail anymore and he can stop with the domestic pandering. He’s got to save himself for all the tin-pot dictators around the world. And trust me, they’ve got human rights issues.

 

Technorati Tags: lady gaga,human rights campaign dinner

The Dolly Llama

I suppose this was inevitable: a Michelle action figure.

Does this not just make your hair hurt?

And while I hate to repeat myself: “Dude, her head is bigger than her butt!”

Manhattan mom Eileen Ramos told the New York Daily News:

"Batman has nothing on Michelle Obama,""I bought the Barack figure last year but I think Michelle is the one with the real superpowers in the family."

And where, exactly, Eileen, do you think she GETS these superpowers?

And what’s up with the Tom McCanns? Although I should probably be thankful. It could have been worse:

Rahmbo (aka “Toes”) should be the only one around here with cloven hoofs.

Technorati Tags: tom McCann,Alexander McQueen,michelle action figure

And The Award Goes To…..Me!

Wow! What a week! First Big Guy wins the Norwegian Grammy Award for Readership, and then THIS! American Digest named little old moi Bestest New Blog of the Week.

This is bigger than BO’s Nobel, except for the sack of Kroners that his award came with. I assume there are no Kroners  in conjunction with this award?

I made a brief statement in the Rose Garden after receiving news of the honor early this morning:

I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of American Digest. Let me be clear: I do view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments. Transforming the Transformers is a lot of work.

I would have gone on, but Rahmbo was in the back row, glowering at me with that dead fisheye stare of his. That generally means get back to work.

So deepest thanks to American Digest. I will always reflect well on you.

“Dude, Her Head’s Bigger Than Her Pelvis!”

There’s been a flap in the fashion world over the photo of a Ralph Lauren model looking particularly emaciated, even for a model. Initially the RL group denied any photo-shopping of the pic, and threatened to sue anyone using the image.

However, after further “investigation” they apologized for doctoring the photo and promised to do better in the future.

The only “investigation” required was  a good look at the photo:

 

 

see? Her head is bigger than her butt. I know that this is not anatomically impossible, but you generally don’t see it outside the field of politics.

 

 

 

 

 

But the second “investigative” technique required to determine if this photo of a model with a waist circumference smaller than her hat size was digitally “enhanced” is called “zoom”. If you blow it up, you can see some funny hard edges where pixels used to be. When Leggo size pieces are missing,  it’s usually considered confirmation.

But we guess RL had to get a legal team together to investigate the hateful allegations - which were undoubtedly based on racism anorexism – before acknowledging what it might have been a misguided artist’s rendering of a female-like extoskeleton.

Which, while an interesting story, merely serves to illustrate how inferior computer enhancing techniques are to my NASA developed nano-light-enhancing-refraction technology.

Behold my trans-imaging powers compared to mere Photoshop:

I think you see why I’m invaluable around here.   I finally got Rahmbo’s attention with this demonstration,and he gave me my first policy assignment. I’m working on the deficit resulting from Big Guy’s Healthcare plan.

H/T Boing Boing

Enhancing the Stars

I know this seems like old news after all the excitement yesterday, but I still want to tell you about it. Wednesday night marked one of my favorite nights of the year here at the Big White:  annual Star Gazing Astronomy Night.

My niece,Celia

 

 

Each year we have the girl scouts in for our annual astronomy night.  The Girl Scouts organization has always encouraged girls’ interest in science and technology(which is more than I can say for Larry Summers over at Treasury), so the hookup with NASA is a natural. I’ve served as the unofficial mistress of ceremonies for the past 4 administrations, but this year my little niece Celia participated for the first time as one of the official NASA telescopes. I was so proud.

Not only did we get to gaze at celestial bodies through some of the finest optical lenses ever created, but Lady M was named the Honorary National President of the Girl Scouts.  At first she thought she might be too busy to assume these additional honorary duties, but I advised her that, like so many things around here, there aren’t really any duties. And she gets an unlimited supply of girl scout cookies. Done deal.

After the inside ceremonies, we got to go outside to actually use some of the  NASA optics to look at constellations and check for incoming missiles.

Here’s a shot of MO and Bo greeting the little girls. There was a moment of confusion. They both saw the event listed in their Blackberries as “star gazing at the white house” and naturally assumed it was a dinner for them to meet with some of their biggest donors. Imagine how surprised they were to see all the little munchkins dressed in brown uniforms.

The night was supposed to wrap up with s’mores on the south lawn, but some a-hole in Environmental Affairs said we couldn’t build a campfire. We had to settle for peanut butter and marshmallow Fluff canapés which were really hard to eat, and got all over the lenses of the telescopes. Other than that, they were really tasty. Mmm, Mmm, Mmm!

The Good Old Days of Carter’s Malaise

Although I was just a pile of sand back in the Jimmy Carter years, there has been a lot of comparisons to him and Big Guy lately. And not just because they both bagged the Nobel. I think it’s more about the fact that they’re both associated with  HOPE and/or CHANGE.

In the spirit of the new all-green White House, I thought I’d recycle this from the vault of my favorite blogger, Dewey From Detroit: Welcome Back, Welcome Back Carter.

No wonder Lady M likes those sweaters so much.

 

Technorati Tags: michelle obama,jimmy Carter,malaise

World Readership

We’re all descending from cloud 9 after the surprise announcement this morning. Fortunately TOTUS had a Nobel Peace Prize acknowledgement speech pre-loaded into his hard drive, just in case the occasion ever presented itself.

It was pretty much your standard humble-president-of-the-free-world-accepts-Nobel-Peace-Prize speech, complete with apologies to the others who didn’t win.

"I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations."

I’m not positive, but I think those aspirations include dismantling the United States as the world’s preeminent super power. What could go wrong?

Anyway, I think we have a solution to that embarrassing flap about the copy-cat painting that we had selected to hang in the family room. Out with the fake Matisse, in with the Nobel.

LiveJournal Tags: Barak Obama,Nobel Peace Prize,Alma Thomas,Matisse

Michelle! My Nobel!!!

Can you believe it! What a week. First my Creators, and now, your Savior! Yes you heard correctly. Big Guy won the Nobel Peace Prize.

After last week’s bitter disappointment over the Olympics, this  renews our HOPE. I take back everything I said about the Scandinavians, including those hateful things about their stinky dead fish.

But back to BO’s big, big prize. Everyone around here is simply stunned. No one really expected this for another 3 years. But if you’ve followed Big Guy’s life, it’s always been this way for him. Whatever he wished for, shazam! it was his. Harvard Law degree? Shazam! US Senate seat? Shazam! Presidency?  You get the idea. Lucky. Charmed.

Don’t take this the wrong way: it’s not as if BO (and MO) didn’t work hard for this prize. Remember that  European Apology tour?

It was grueling. But even the Royals thought they’d have to actually accomplish something before winning the medal. Politics turns out to be a lot more like Community Organizing than we thought.

So we join a very elite club of US Presidents who have won the Nobel Peace Prize: Teddy Roosevelt for negotiating the end of the Russian-Japanese war, Woodrow Wilson for negotiating the Treaty of Versailles and Jimmy Carter for…what was that again? Oh right. Peace in the Middle East. I guess that’s what Big Guy won his for too.

Remember just last week when I told you there would be many more oysters? Well, add to my many high-tech capabilities the more cerebral power of prescience. I also forecast another big date night. Maybe Paris is in the cards after all. And I think Ahmadinajad might be joining the O’s for the celebration.

Art and Soul

We have some new art for our East Wing digs. Actually we’re having a whole art gallery installed in the family wing. It’s a most impressive collection of contemporary and abstract art, if by impressive you mean art that nobody ever looks at.

I know Big Guy’s been taking a lot of heat lately over his indecisiveness regarding what to do about General McChrystal’s request for additional troops to win the war in Afghanistan decisively.I don’t really think this particular selection is going to help him make up his mind, or polish his image as the decider. But it might prove helpful to historians of the future trying to get into BO’s psyche.

The New York Times helpfully explains;

Another contemporary work chosen by the Obamas is a word painting by the California artist Ed Ruscha. Called “I Think I’ll … ” it deals with the subject of indecision.

But there’s much, much more; some of which might help explain our wardrobe choices. Here are a few samples from the rest of the 47 pieces on loan from the National Gallery of Art. You’ll see immediately how conceptual they are. Much better than the old landscapes and still lifes that were so representational and so last century.

Unlike many former White House occupants, the Royals are very comfortable with modern art. It's lack of form may lead some to believe it lacks substance, but in fact, it’s form is its substance. Get it?!

There is also a selection of artwork by African Americans. It’s probably just me, but I think if the Bush’s would have had this in the White House, critics might have said it looked sort of, well, racist. In a stereotypical way. But I don’t really know that much about art.

The painting below, of course, is neither contemporary nor abstract: just diverse. I’m not sure if I should mention this or not to the O’s but the University of Michigan Museum of Art just got in trouble with their Indian dioramas: Native Indians found them offensive and demanded they be removed. Which of course UofM is going to do. After all they’ve been on display for 50 years, it’s probably time to retire them anyway. I only mention it to remind everyone just how tricky this whole diversity thing gets.

And finally we have this very conceptual work "Sky Light," 1973, by Alma Thomas

Maybe its just me, but I see a strong similarity to one of Lady M’s favorite dresses.

Come to think of it, life around here does imitate art. Or is it the other way around? I can never keep that straight. The only part I’m sure about is the imitation.

UPDATE: That other Michelle has posted an expose on one of Alma Thomas' paintings. I think it's just another example of racism though. Anyone can clearly see the colors are different.

Tripping the Light Fantastic

I am bursting with pride today. No, it doesn’t have anything to do with MO’s selection of art for the Big White. We’ll cover that later. Not that it’s unimportant, but the big news making me swell with pride is the announcement that three of my creators have been awarded a Nobel Prize. Congratulations Dr. George Smith, Dr. Willard Boyle and Dr. Charles Kao!

 They helped develop fiber-optic cable and invented the "eye" in digital cameras — technology that has given rise to film-free photography and high-speed Internet service, revolutionized communications and science, and utterly transformed the way we live, work and amuse ourselves.

Without them and their nanotechnology work with pixels, lenses and sensors would I be able to to this? or this?   

Of course, I can use my powers for good or evil.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks guys. Without you, I’d be back in the Smithsonian and Mo would be on her own. Come to think of it, none of us would even be here.

Update: Al Gore has announced that he’s quite certain that one of these three men is his birth father, stating that he has just recently been presented with the inconvenient truth that he had been adopted by his mother and Senator Gore.

I have two things to say in response to his allegation: Al didn’t have anything to do with inventing the internet. He has invented a lot of things, like global warming, but the internet is – shall we say – above his pay grade. And secondly, I am in no way related to Al Gore.

Technorati Tags: George Smith,Willard Boyle,Charles Kao,michelle obama,nobel laureates