Former Spy Caught at White House Luncheon

Did you hear about the spy that slipped into the Annual Design Awards luncheon here in the East room last Friday? Apparently SPY magazine founder Kurt Andersen.nearly had the vapors when Lady M brushed his seersucker:

“It was the National Design Awards; I did not remove my jacket, but I was the only person in seeruscker (sic); more mesmerized than bored, especially when, moments before this picture, the First Lady slowly brushed her hand across my shoulder as she made her way to the podium. (Also: I stole a paper towel with White House insignia from the bathroom.)”

Puh-lease … and Kurt, baby, I don’t care what you read in the NYT fashion section, seersucker is sooo bourgeois.

(That’s me, right behind Lady M)

First of all, Lady M never touches seersucker, and secondly, she doesn’t “brush”. She “fist-kisses”.

Now Kurt, go answer your doorbell. The Secret Service agents want the towel back.

Hub’s New Facebook Pics

I’m taking a tiny break from commenting on all things fashionable at the White House  to put in a plug for my brother Hub’s (see my Bio) latest glamour shots from deep space. He used his embedded hyper-imaging photons along with his recently installed Wide Field 3 camera to capture this beguiling image of Jupiter, post Armageddon:

I’d enlarge it for you (which is easy with my imaging technology), but frankly, I think it looks altogether too much like a stage 3 melanoma. And that just brings up that whole nasty “Obamacare” issue that we’re trying to put under wraps until our vacation is over.

But seriously bro, way to go.

Pack up the Clamdiggers

And I’m not talking about the girls. We’re going to the beach! Martha’s Vineyard. MO and BO haven’t been around that many country club Republicans since they had dinner with Colin Powell and Arlen Specter.

I can’t wait to get back to imaging Lady M in her casual J.Crew style. Although I’m a little concerned about there being a 24 hour ice cream parlor within walking distance. It’s getting increasingly difficult for my lens to refract away those nasty preggers rumors . And we’re going to be there a whole month!

I mean, I’m good, but is any trans-imaging technology adequate to compensate for 4 weeks of Lobsters dripping in butter, caviar with crème fraîche and blini and non-stop champagne and ice cream?!

This is supposed to be a vacation. I can already see that I’m going to be on 24/7 imaging. I haven’t had to work that hard since Lady M decided to exercise her 2nd Amendment rights.

Let Your Hair Down, Girl!

Ha, ha. I had you going on that new haircut thing didn’t I? Do you still doubt my reflective powers?

As you can see, that whole bob thing at Hee Haw night in the East Room was just a little ruse I pulled to see how it would fly. Consider it a hair poll. We’re still analyzing the results, especially the ones from LA.

While I thought I made her look amazing, there were a few of those catty comments that used MO and “matronly” in the same sentence. So for now, we’re back to the – well, the whatever. Goodbye MOB, hello MOp.

Designers Ball

Michelle had a few design icons over to nosh at the White House on Friday. There were a lot of guys here, but it was definitely a “ladies who lunch” affair. They served a lot of crap from MO’s organic salad generator out back. Women's Wear Daily captured it rather well:

First Lady Michelle Obama, draped in a bold yellow Michael Kors skirtsuit and shimmery lizard-skin pumps, feted design honorees at the White House today as part of the 10th anniversary of the Smithsonian’s Cooper-Hewitt National Design Awards. Obama …expounded on the multidimensional purposes of design, Calvin Klein designer Francisco Costa, winner of this year’s fashion design award, sat enraptured. “What I love about design is the artistic and scientific complexity that becomes useful — a laptop, a bridge, an outfit — all drawn from a thousand wells of inspiration yet grounded in the basic principles of math and science,” Obama said.

I liked that part about Francisco being “enraptured,” we sure do hear that a lot around here. The truth, though, is when MO started yammering about math and science every one was spellbound. I haven’t seen that many eyes glaze over since Nancy Reagan told Ronnie’s Chief of Staff that she wanted her astrologer to participate in the president’s daily scheduling.

More on MO’s hair, clothes and makeup later. Got to run to my 10:00 polishing.

Ode to an American Icon

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who’s the “Jackie” at this ball?

It’s me of course, in my string of pearls,

Michelle’s the fairest of all first “girls.”

MOTUS, I love your hand polished glazing

Whatever I wear, it turns out amazing!

You make me appear lean, you make me svelt,

You make me look skinny in my Azzedine belt.

When I gaze fondly into your glass,

I love the way you shrink my ass.

A fashion icon could come undone

If she was seen with a big fat bum.

But thanks to you and the MSMedia,

I’m “fashion forward” in Wikipedia.

I Don’t Want To Hear Any More About the MOB in the White House. OK?

Yeah, Mo got a haircut. Don’t most women do that a couple of times a year? The way the MSM is carrying on you’d think she had a whole head transplant.

I should have remembered from the Bill and Hill years that this was, like, really, really big news. At least as important as the government taking over another 15% of the economy in the form of nationalized health care. But no, not even the prime time presser could shift all of the attention away from MO’s new do.

OK, I probably made her look a little too “Jackie” to be ignored entirely, but that was the look she was going for –sans the pill box. But to hear the MSM carry on! "All her own,” “fashion fresh,” “modern.” Look people, it’s a bob. Women have been wearing bobs since the roaring twenties, so can we at least get past that whole “fashion forward” thing?

I might sound a little cranky and ungrateful for all the fine press reviews. It’s just that I’ve been working really, really hard on making her look softer around the eyes, and not quite so, so…well, angry. And no one seems to appreciate what I’ve been able to do! Here, you judge for yourself:

Is that a miracle or what? Most women would need 6 rounds of Botox to pull that off, but MO needs nothing but little old me. But do we hear anything about how she looks younger, less scowly and waaay less angry?

Oh no, everyone’s too polite to mention that. All we hear is about the new haircut. They’re calling it the MOB: Michelle Obama Bob.

Do you really think it wise to slap that moniker on anything associated with the First Family?

Baseball Sucks Anyway

Enough about the “Mom” and “Dad” jeans.

Look, I’m here to make MO look good. BO’s got his own groomers and handlers. He has an entire contingent of lawyers, PR guys, communications experts, accountants and mathamagicians to make him look good in the eyes of the American people.

You would think that with all that hired help they could make him look like he belonged on a ball field. But no, they left that up to Albert Pujols, the Cardinal’s catcher, who stepped up to the plate and scooped the ball before it bounced.

I don’t know what happened. BO was throwing great when he was warming up in the Rose Garden. Maybe it was all those unexpected boos that rippled through the crowd when he came to the mound. I can understand how such unaccustomed negative feedback would throw him off his game. We don’t allow so much as a photo negative in the White House. But you didn’t hear that from me.

But getting back to the hired help: if they can’t buy the guy a pair of decent jeans and teach him how not to throw like a girl, don't look at me.

You can’t do everything with mirrors, you know.