When Snarks Attack 7: The Winner

The polls are closed, the results are in and it was “Ladies Night”! Here, in the biggest, most important contest of this first “Super Tuesday” of 2010 the winner is :

PortiaElizabeth

Joining PortiaElizabeth in the winner’s circle, but without the coveted Golden FLOTUS, are: Republican winners Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman, Sharron Angle, Nikki Haley and Democrat Blanche Lincoln, Congratulations ladies!

Congratulations PortiaElizabeth!!! You have won the fame and ovation of millions of MOLs and FOMs around the world and a permanent place in my Snark Hall of Fame.

PortiaElizabeth’s winning snark: “I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.” carried the day and achieved snark immortality.

The cherished Golden FLOTUS is now yours forever, to use and display as you wish.

It was a tight race with over 3 million votes cast. PortiaElizabeth Took the lead early Tuesday and held it to the end, beating back a possible runoff with Suzette. Congratulations to srdem on her decision to withdraw from the election and accept a generous “unpaid advisory” position. Toes will be in touch. Finally, congratulations to all the “runners up” and all my loyal, snarky MOLs and MODs. You are all winners in my book, even if you don’t all get a statue.

For the record, the final vote count was certified by Toes after review of the audited results by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The results (rounded to the nearest thousand) were as follows:

1. PortiaElizabeth – 540,000
2. Suzette – 500,000
3. MJ – 480,000
4. Moright – 280,000
5. Madame De Farge – 220,000
6. Labwriter / Sine Qua Non – 190,000 / 190,000
7. Florida Girl – 180,000
8. bettyann – 140,000
9. Don Rodrigo – 130,000
10. Janice / srdem65 – 120,000 / 120,000
11. Cinderella – 90,000

Wag the Dog

UPDATE: LINKED BY RADIO PATRIOT! AND SHE THINKS I SHOULD GET A RAISE! THANKS ANDREA SHEA KING, AND WELCOME TO ALL RADIO PATRIOTS.

Day 50 of the Gulf Oil Disaster (GOD) and still, we didn’t rest. A party! 

What? Another party? Aren’t we supposed to be kicking ass and plugging the damn hole? Well, maybe we’ll let the people take care of that at the polls on Super Tuesday. Meantime, we’ve got the Congressional Picnic to attend. And little Bo had to take big BO for a walk.

I’m in charge here!

I’ve got the reins, don’t worry !

 

 

 

 

 

 I said heel, Big Guy

Lady M had adequately recuperated from her post-traumatic compression disorder so she was able to attend too. And we finally found an appropriate occasion for one of our million sundresses.

 

Bracelet representing all of the major races: black, white, brown and silver. All multi-culti pearls.

 

 

 

 

 

 Look! Lady M is light as air! We’re trying water next.

Exec chef Jason Stoller Smith – how many chef’s do you know with 3 names? – prepared smoked salmon to serve the Congressional delegation. There were some rumblings about hot dogs being easier, cheaper and more appropriate, but no one around here takes Glenn Beck seriously.

 Chef prepares the 21-salmon salute

Party-On! Next scheduled event is a Tea Party.

Express Your Bad Self

"I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."         Barack Obama to Matt Lauer, Today Show, June 7

  Lookin’ for ass to kick since May 2, 2010

Because that’s more important than plugging the damn hole.

While Lady M spent yesterday recuperating from hyper-compression disorder, Big Guy was busy talking to Morning News talk show host and PBS game show participant, Matt Lauer.

Later Big Guy went to Kalamazoo for the K-zoo Central High School graduation. That’s about 200 miles from Motown. There was no ass-kicking there. There’s no one’s ass left in Michigan that hasn’t already been kicked by Big Guy.

Don’t even think about it, she’s just another innocent little pawn

You might think Kalamazoo is a funny place for Big Guy to go for a graduation, but in fact many famous people have passed through K-zoo, as the locals call it. Even Johnny Cash, although to be fair, he’s been everywhere:

I've been everywhere, man.
I've been everywhere, man.
Crossed the deserts bare, man.
I've breathed the mountain air, man.
Of travel I've had my share, man.
I've been everywhere.
I've been to:
Pittsburgh, Parkersburg, Gravelbourg, Colorado,
Ellisburg, Rexburg, Vicksburg, Eldorado,
Larimore, Admore, Haverstraw, Chatanika,
Chaska, Nebraska, Alaska, Opelika,
Baraboo, Waterloo, Kalamazoo, Kansas City,
Sioux City, Cedar City, Dodge City, what a pity.

Butt seriously, if it would make BO feel better just to kick someone’s ass, I could make some suggestions.

 

This last one would require special anatomical dexterity, butt if he can pull it off, I’ll bet he’d feel better.

Jiffy Pop Girls & Bloggergeddon

BLOGGER OUTAGE UPDATE:

It looks like we’re intermittently back on-line, but we don’t know for how long. I’m glad to see that one of my posts slipped through the ether. Bruno’s investigation continues. I hope my fingerprints (so to speak) aren’t on this.The mysterious outage affecting Google Blogger started last night as I was attempting to post pictures from our Ford Theater music celebration late-night working session. I know I was violating the embargo negotiated with ABC for the rights to broadcast the event as part of their 4th of July Celebration on the 2nd of July, but I think that shutting down Blogger is a bit of an overreaction.

In any event, I apologize to all my New Media colleagues who are affected by Lady M’s SS storm troopers response to my mistake.

I did had some goodies for you to enjoy last night. I hope you still can enjoy them tonight:

100% Organic Jiffy-Pop Girls popped fresh for the Show

The silver streak is from Reynolds Wrap’s “Jiffy-Pop Collection” featured in his Paris runway show this spring. I don’t think NASA could have created anything more fashion forward.

It could have been the SS jamming my signals, the newly active sun spots, my incomplete system recharge or all that tin foil, butt whatever it was, I am soooo sorry for this outfit!

Big Guy seemed a bit out of sorts. Maybe because Helen Thomas had been trying to get a hold of him all day. Something about Secret Service protection and a bag of money. Not sure, but I don’t think Toes let her talk to him. Anyway, by the time we left he was complaining of stomach pains.

 “SBD”?

I’m sure Berry felt he got away with one, but the poor guy sitting next to him …whew!

Idiot!

How many times does Lady M have to tell Big Guy to save the “Arsenio hoots” for movie nights at the Big White theater with Joey B and Gibbsy?

 Are You Listening to Yourself? Moron!

We couldn’t bring TOTUS to the performance so Big Guy had to “wing it.” That always means it’s going to take 10 times longer than appropriate. But between the winging it and the dyspepsia, he forgot to mention that yesterday was D-Day. But it’s not like it’s really important, like Jay-Z Day, or anything.

I really hope this Blogger outage is over soon, and that Bruno’s investigation into a potential “Mirror-caused Disaster” exonerates me.  Everybody on Blogger is affected and a really big thread of complainers has developed. The best suggestion to Blogger for resolution came from the blogprof at 7:17AM: "Plug the damn hole!"

That’s always good advice, blogprof. Maybe you can help stop Big Guy’s oil leak too.

The Silver Streak: Unsafe at Any Speed-O

Mrs. BOw Dangles

Well, another weekend and that damn hole is still not plugged.

But we’ve not been resting. As you’ll see, we’ve been working diligently on establishing our New Won World Order.

Sunday afternoon we hosted a reception at the Big White to honor the historic Ford’s Theatre. Apparently - and much to the Won’s surprise - there WAS history before his first historic Administration!

Later we went to the actual historic theatre for another concert and show. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was actually assassinated at the Ford’s Theatre? Neither did Big Guy! He must have been working on the Harvard Law Review the day they covered that.

We struck a deal with ABC to broadcast the whole show as a July 4th special which will be, inexplicably, aired on July 2nd. First we changed the date of Washington’s and Lincoln’s Birthdays, then Memorial Day and now this? Is nothing sacred around here any more? Other than Kobe beef, I mean?

The show was yet another star-struck event: Ty Burrell, Kelly Clarkson,  Renée Fleming, George Lopez, Lionel Richie, Robin Roberts, Dick Van Dyke and, oh yeah, The Soldiers' Chorus of the United States Army Field Band –because we’re celebrating the 4th of July. On June 6th - or July 2nd… even I’m confused now.

 

Kelly arrives at Ford’s. I see we’re doing the pudge again this season.

 The Silver Streak: Unsafe at any speed-O 

There will be prizes awarded at the performance: The Lincoln Medal will be awarded to South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu and to South African Constitutional Court Justice Albie Sachs. After Sir Pall’s award last week you might think that we’re running out of Americans deserving of receiving our awards, but really, that’s not it. It’s just that in order to implement our New Won World Order we must exhibit a willingness to buy their votes too.

Whew! Big Guy finally found something that he agrees with George W.Bush on: this governing stuff is hard!

Designer concept: unclear

When Snarks Attack: 7

It’s June, so that must mean it’s time for the May edition of my world famous When Snarks Attack competition!

Once again, my super-secret nominating committee had a hard time narrowing the mountain of snarks to fit the ballot. This month, we are offering up for your consideration a baker’s dozen of the snarkiest snarks. So, without further adieu, and in alphabetical order, here are your May 2010 When Snarks Attack: 7 nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-7 Nominees

May, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“. . . that pin looks like something my sea cucumber vomits to keep the cleaner shrimp busy. . .”

2. Cinderella: "Fashionista Rip Off"

“MOTUS,

WTH is that thing sitting on Christina Hendrick's shoulder? A dead animal? A tumor? Something the designer picked from the a trash can behind an autopsy lab? What is it?”

3. Don Rodrigo: "Big Food, Big Prints"

“Fascinating, the dynamics of the Fashionista, whether that be Michelle Antoinette herself, or Sarah Jessica Cyranose:
Half the time they look passably elegant, and the other half of the time they look like freakin' circus clowns.”

4. Florida Girl: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“Demi-tyrant has Buddha belly. Tyrant is twice as tall with Buddha bottom!!!!!”

5. Janice: "Hemlines: They’re a lot like borders"

“. . . It is called proctocraniology. In other words, her head is shoved so far up her ass, she can't help but make those faces.”

6. Labwriter: "Moles, Polls and Controlled Fat Rolls"

“I'd rather have a mammogram than wear that blue dress.”

7. Madame DeFarge: "Primer Fiesta Mexicano Histórico"

“Gosh, MOTUS! Serving Mexican food to Mexicans...seems a bit like carrying coals to Newcastle. . .”

8. MJ: "Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

“If I throw a stick, will they leave?”

9. Moright: "Clarabell vs Ronald McDonald: 9th Circus Court of ...

“And so the grim Socialists took the Happy out of Happy Meals. Their plan to eradicate all joy remains on track. . .”

10. PortiaElizabeth: "Monday Morning Food Fight"

“I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.”

11. Sine Qua Non: "Are We Having Fun Yet?"

“And The Won is beaming with excitement at the thought of sneaking plenty of cigs on the family back porch.
Ooops, given Mo-Mo's growing assets, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned a "back porch." My bad.”

12. srdem65: "Revving Up for Motown"

“I'm hoping that it's not my fault...I usually turn my keyboard upside-down every morning and shake out any lurking trolls but, you know...a senior moment or two and I forget. Sorry”

13. Suzette: "Potty Break Posting"

“I just love how she always has some kind of theme going on. This time, she looks like someone Kirk would fall in love with when he beams down to a planet full of shiny blue women with tails.”

Congratulations to this month’s nominees! The polls will remain open until 11:59PM, Tuesday, June 8, or until ordered to do so by a Court of Controlling Legal Authority. As always, Chicago rules apply. So, vote early and vote often. Pander to your base and get the vote out!

May the best snark win, or at least be offered an important, but unpaid advisory position, to drop out of the running!

Soak the Rich

Boy, are Lady M and Big Guy ever cranked.

Apparently Joey B and Dr. Jill threw a party on Saturday and didn’t even invite POTUS and FLOTUS. Tacky, since Smootie has invited the Bees to almost every big party that we’ve ever had here.

Joey and Jill invited mostly relatives, staff and - of course – the press. I think they just assumed Big Guy would be busy plugging that damn hole.

But it sure looks like it would have been fun.

Rahmbo brought his uzi back with him from the Holy Land and uses it to attack the big mouth press corp(se) who has now decided that Israel is the Great Satan.

Joey is gunned down by a Palestinian peace activist.

 

Yikes, I sure hope that’s a water gun that the young manneken pis is brandishing.

Frankly I’m glad we weren’t invited. All that moisture tends to give me sudden system freeze-ups for days after wards. But that’s beside the point. All I can say is don’t expect an invitation to our next party either, Dr. Jill and Joey.

Have You Seen My Clapper?

Did you see that Big Guy just named a new Director of National Intelligence?

It’s retired Air Force Lt. Gen. James R. Clapper Jr.. I think he’s probably best known as the inventor of the world famous hand activated on/off switch, as seen on tee vee.

The Clapper! Clap on! Clap off!

Boy, I can think of any number of ways this will come in handy around here.

Visiting dignitaries and celebrities:

Shut up and sing! Or write. Or whatever it is you do.

Natural disasters:

 Shut off the damn volcano!

un-natural disasters:

 Shut your damn mouth!

 Shut off the damn leak!

Wow! This was an ingenious appointment. Planned future applications include shutting down North Korean and Iranian nuclear programs, all hostile rightwing internet sites, FOX news, Rush Limbaugh and talk radio.

Lady M also thinks it will be useful around here.

And by the way, Lt. General Clapper’s other credentials include involvement with local law enforcement agencies:

The Great Clapper Caper: 1968