Top Ten Things MO Hates About Being FLOTUS

Yes, of course I saw it in the Daily Mail, just like everyone else: 'It’s hell. I can’t stand it!’ Carla Bruni reveals what Michelle Obama REALLY thinks of being First Lady.

Lady M’s spokesperson here at the Big White, Katie McCormick Lelyveld, immediately issued an official denial yesterday morning. Later in the afternoon Gibbsy tweeted out a denial from his official burrow. This was followed shortly by a spokeswoman for Ms. Bruni who said that First Lady Carla Bruni had nothing what-so-ever to do with the new, soon-to-be-released-and-sure-to-be-a-bestseller, book;although it was originally reported that Carla and the Ambitioust had been written in conjunction with Carla Bruni.

So, with all those denials floating around, you can pretty much bank on it being true. But everyone has agreed to pretend it never happened. That’s called circling the wagons in politics, and once again,the supportive MSM came through for us.

Butt just between you and me - since you all know it’s true anyway -I’ll tell you what Lady M really can’t stand about being FLOTUS.

TOP 10 REASONS LADY M THINKS BEING FLOTUS IS A JOB FROM HELL

10. Having to be on TV all the time: everyone knows TV adds 5 50 pounds.

  Who will be the next Food TV star?

9.  Not being able to go to your favorite church for Sunday services anymore.

Lady M, Reverend Wright, and the Sunday call to prayer:

 

8.  You don’t get frequent flyer miles on Air Force Won, or Air Force Too.

Although you do always get direct flights, and the seats are extra-wide and comfy.

7.  Not being able to shop at her favorite stores anymore: J.Crew and Target.

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Albums of Lady M’s FLOTUS designer duds: actually,# 7 does seem to have some real drawbacks.

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6.  Having to dine with European aristocracy instead of the gurl-friends who flew all the way to Spain just to spend time with you.

Bitch!

5.  You’re confined to a VIP box surrounded by Secret Service at NBA finals, instead of getting to sit on the floor like other A-list celebrities do.

MO, Granny and the girls, stuck in a VIP Box at Celtics game.

P Diddy and Snoop Dogg, above, Spike Lee and Larry David, below: ALL SEATED ON THE FLOOR!

4.  Having to settle for Kobe burgers and truffle fries prepared by Big White Chef when you get a Big Mac Attack, instead of just grabbing a sack full at the drive-thru.

 

Late night snack sent up by Chef: sliders and fries

3.  The complications and sheer inconvenience of going out on date nights. 

  Marine Copters,

Air Force 3 Gulf Streams,

and Presidential limos. Just to go to a dumb play.

 

2.  Having to interact with the adoring crowds while on vacation.

Gate at Blue Heron Farm, Martha’s Vineyard

 

 Presidential motorcade on Martha’s Vineyard

Villa Padierma Hotel; Marbella, Spain. Beaches cordoned off for Lady M and her party:

AND...

THE NUMBER 1 THING LADY M HATES ABOUT BEING FLOTUS:

1.  Smart-ass, snarky bloggers making fun of her every MOove.

Michelle Obama's Mirror

OMG!

I better go have Raj make sure my firewall is still up and running.

Here’s Where the Rubber Meets the Load

Big, big celebration last night at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute’s (CHIC) gala. Bigger than usual even, as they’re celebrating the 200th anniversary of the “independence of many Central and South American countries.”

More on that later, let’s get right to the important stuff: for the celebration, Lady M choose something from the Lady Gaga “Rubber meets the Road” collection.

Where the rubber meets the load

Have you spotted the newest fashion trend promoted here by MO? I mean in addition to rubber-wear? It’s this season’s hottest: leave the bling behind – just go with your own fabulosity! No brooches, no bangles, no diamonds, just Goodrich’s latest iridescent rubber and Lady M’s fab-u-lous hot bod.

Earrings were MO’s only adornment, and they were miniature replicas of manhole covers from Mexico City.

Big Guy was there too, of course: Air kisses! Wait a minute, is that a turkey neck on Big Guy?!

Let’s compare to last year’s requisite air kiss: 

 uh huh, someone’s losing a little weight, and someone’s... never mind

 

 

   

If you don’t look closely, you’d never know that MO spent thousands of dollars for a new frock, dark sparkly rubber seems to be a traditional choice for this event. Not to mention what’s been invested in liposuction and super-commercial grade spandex. But hey, let’s just focus on her guns: are they loaded  this year, or what?

But back to the reason for all the celebration: according to CHIC’s website, “Celebrating History, Heritage, and the American Dream, commemorates the 200th anniversary of independence for many Central and South American countries and the 400th anniversary of the founding of Santa Fe in 1610.” Allow me to translate: Mexican Independence Day.  I’m not sure why we’re celebrating that, other than we have more and more of their citizens living here every year. But you’ll see from the linky above that teachers feel it’s important enough to dedicate 4-5 lessons on it. I wonder how many lesson plans they dedicate to American Independence Day?

Hey! Here’s an idea: maybe we can make it a national holiday! The Congressional Hispanic Caucus has been jealous of the Black Congressional Caucus for years now. Maybe if we give them their own holiday too, everyone can make nice and just get along. The way things are going with that Tea Party Uprising, we are going to need all of our hands on deck.

Life Imitates Art

Venue: Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute Public Policy Conference in Washington.

Message: Let’s Move those fat kids’ behinds!

Couture: So, so close.

It even gave us some wiggle room for a change, without looking like it would burst:

 

Aproximately 4 inches longer, to cover the knee cap, a dark bronze  shoe and we would have had a winner that required very little trans-imaging.

But those shoes! It’s going to be the blue-green Jimmy Choo’s all over again.

It’s not only the  unlikely-to-occur-in-nature shade of the blue shoes –it's the fact that somehow MO thinks they  go with anything. Look close:

There they were, last week too.

Lady M continues to believe that black goes with everything. I’ve explained color theory to her till I’m – a figure of speech – blue in the face. She just doesn’t seem to get the whole concept that “from a distance, the eye blends bright colors placed next to each other, but not colors that are isolated” thing. therefore, Bright blue dots on dark brown background – do not look bright blue to the eye. They look more like - navy blue. Navy blue, got it? Pair this look with play-dough blue shoes and they will “pop.” Not in a good way.

Just like blue-green shoes, combined with a yellow-green outfit, will “pop.”

This outfit is yellow–green -YELLOW! GREEN! Blue-green does not go with YELLOW! GREEN!

Any more than BLUE-GREEN  goes with this red, white and purple-blue dress. I don’t care if they are Jimmy Choo’s.

Butt then, there were so many other issues with this dress we wore to the posthumous medal of honor ceremony that the shoe choice is really just nit picking.

I have considered the fact that we’re possibly dealing with color blindness: that Lady M cannot honestly tell the difference between  blue and green:

Teal blue dress, accented with teal green shoes.

Butt I don’t think that’s it. I’m fairly certain that the least of Lady M’s problems is color blindness.

Today’s art in real life lesson:

 Monet's Garden

Monet’s painting: allows the eye to use it’s natural ability to color-blend bright colors into a pleasant picture of subtle colors.

Compare and contrast to Robert Motherwell’s painting:

Red 8-11

Where the whole point is to have the eye isolate the color and form. Just a little something you learn in community organizing school.

"Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it."  Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals, #12

Sigh. Tune in later. Tonight we get another shot at the whole hot Latina theme at the Hispanic Congressional Caucus’ annual soiree. I’m hoping to catch a siesta before hand.

Nutrition and Economics: We Know More Than You Do

Lady M got right back to work yesterday: taking it to the NRA – that’s “National Restaurant Association” for those of you in fly-over. She really went after them for creating this nation’s fat behinds.

I’m telling you: less butter, cream and salt. For thee, not for me, because I’m smarter than you and therefore know how to make better choices.

And here’s a funny thing: it just dawned on me how much MO sounds like BO, especially when she takes TOTUS-too (T-t) along for her reads. Take yesterday: with T-t in tow, MO gave her Nutrition 101 lecture at the NRA meeting, calling the members out for making us all fat - because normal people don’t know anything about where calories hide.

(Butt they do tend to know them when they see them)

“First, it’s important to reduce the number of empty calories that our families are consuming, calories that have no nutritional benefit whatsoever.  And believe me, I know this is easier said than done.  After all, we as humans, we are programmed to crave sugary, fatty, salty foods. And as people who work to meet those needs, I know it’s tempting to respond by creating products that are sweeter, richer and saltier than ever before.

But here’s the catch.  See, feeding those cravings does(n’t) just respond to people’s natural desires, it actually helps shape them.  The more of these foods people eat, the more they're accustomed to that taste, and after a while, those unhealthy foods become a permanent part of their eating habits.”

So you see, we’re all victims of the NRA.

Meanwhile, across the river, Big Guy did an impromptu drop-by in a Fairfax neighborhood (Congressmen Jim Moran, Gerry Connelly, the White House staff videographers and MSM cheerleaders just happened to drop by too).

And sure enough, the adjunct professor in Big Guy got the better of him, and he gave the group gathered there his Economics 101 lecture! Which was impressive, since he just got the script last week.

“Now, the challenge we have is, ironically, that if you start laying off a whole bunch of teachers, or a whole bunch of police officers or firefighters, now they don’t have a job, which means they spend less, which means that there’s less tax revenue.  And you start getting into a vicious, downward spiral.”

See how BO was able to make this stuff simple enough for all of us to understand? Although I still don’t get what part of it is ironic. But that’s probably  next week’s lecture.

Anyway, as is Big Guy’s style when he leaves TOTUS behind, it was a full 65 minute class (and as is always the case, several of our students fell asleep). In addition to explaining everything that Big Guy knows about economics to these ordinary Americans who don’t even know how budgets work, he took the opportunity to point out who drove this economy into the ditch in the first place.

And this is an important point, so pay attention class: apparently our pollsters discovered that people are sick of hearing that the economy is Bush’s fault. So the new, reformulated Journo-list echo-chamber has decided that our new point man will be John Boehner: because he has lobbyist friends (oh,oh! If that’s illegal Charlie Rangel and Maxine Waters don’t stand a chance in their ethics hearings. Thank goodness, they aren’t till after the midterms), and he plays a lot of golf (do we really want to go there?). And beyond all that, as our old attack dog, Bob Schiffer,  pointed out on Face the Nation on Sunday, John Boehner still smokes!!!!  

Here’s Big Guy placing the blame for the economic mess where it belongs:

“John Boehner, who stands -- wants to be the Speaker -- the next Speaker of the House, if the Republicans take over, he specifically said, well, these are just government jobs and they're not worth saving.  And he fought -- he voted no on closing this tax loophole that was incentivizing jobs from going overseas.”

You’ll have to forgive BO’s unexpected inarticula-tatious-ness. He gets that way when he goes too long without a smoke.

Oh, and I forgot to get a full length snap of Lady M’s NRA outfit, but here is one from last year, with little Bah Bah Waters:

 Rachel Roy dress of roses and tweed. See why we didn’t do a full length this year?

Remember: Calories are those little bastards that the NRA hides in your food that get into your closet at night and shrink all  your clothes. Be on the look out.

Fashions that Say “Yes, We Still Can”

I know everyone is anxious to find out when Lady M is going to be hitting the campaign trail, and who she’ll be stumping for. But first things first: we’re working on our wardrobe. Because - as you all know better than anyone - looking good is job number one around here.

We’ve got a consultation set up with Lady Gaga later this week. She is a lady who shares our penchant for multiple costume changes at each venue. Take last night’s MTV Video Music Awards:

Lady Gaga’s multiple-personalities at the VMA’s

From left to right, the black rubber dress that we might consider for our “where the rubber meets the road” campaign stops in Michigan; our red meat dress, that we’ll reserve for those venues where we need to throw a little at the base, and our Alexander McQueen original that we’ll save for – where else? – San Francisco.

So we’re resting up today ahead of announcing our new Fall schedule and a busy social schedule: both the Hispanic Congressional Caucus Party  AND the Black Congressional Caucus annual gala are coming up this week. You remember how much fun we had last year, don’t you? Boy, those were the good old days.

Sequins, sparkles and diamonds at Hispanic Caucus night

…not to be confused with Latina Music night:

   Feathers, lace and diamonds for Black Caucus night

…not to be confused with Music from the Civil Rights Movement Night:

After partying this week, we’re going to have to get our keister out there to help save our Red State Dems’ keisters. Especially since Big Guy is pretty much refusing to come out from under the porch ever since the mean old Republicans started talking to him like a dog. It’s up to Lady M now.

And I assure you, she will be oiled, buffed, shined and sharpened before being unleashed to win the hearts and minds of the little people. She’ll do this by reminding them that if they’re not with us, they’re probably racists.

And since Lady M ended racism in Spain, I’m confident she can do it here too.

“America’s Chickens Have Come Home to Roost"

A busy, busy day: Both BO and MO had to give speeches yesterday to acknowledge our pain. Big Guy, at the Pentagon, Lady M in Shanksville, PA. Oh, and VP Joe and Dr. Jill Biden went to Ground Zero.

FLOTUS and ex-FLOTUS Laura: I’m not sure what our seamstresses do all day.

To celebrate the 9th anniversary of the 9/11 attack, Lady M got a new suit, traded her now iconic bangles and brooches in for a discreet diamond pin, and hired a new speech writer. Then we hopped aboard Air Force 2, along with TOTUS-too. Because MO finally figured out that – just like Big Guy – she sounds much more like the Ivy Leaguer she is, when she reads.

  One of those suits that looks better standing than sitting.

“… it was clear that these 40 individuals were no strangers to service and to sacrifice. For them, putting others before themselves was nothing new because they were veterans, and coaches, and volunteers of all sorts of causes,”

This was Lady M’s way of reminding us that the good people who went down on Flight 93 were all about volunteering - and would want all of us to volunteer to make the world a better place, too.

The rebranding of 9/11 to “National Day of Service and Remembrance” was the marketing genius of our very own Van Jones. He was going to be our first Green Czar, until FOX News used his own words against him, in order to make him appear racist. Butt I think he was the brainchild behind our “Overseas Contingency Operations” too.

Meanwhile, Big Guy was here in D.C. doing his thing. He lectured reminded us all that Mooselims are just peaceful practitioners of the religion of jihad. And he said that we all just have to learn to get along, otherwise the terrorists win. Or something.

I’m not sure if that’s going to help BO’s poll numbers, but Lady M’s hoping for some good PR blowback for her read. I mean, we gave up a perfectly good shopping day to traipse all the way into fly-over. And we did look much softer than usual.

 

 

After their respective performances, the O’s showed up at different locations for their “community duty” on our 2nd annual National Day of Service and Remembrance. BO painted some walls at a local YMCA.

 Clue to whether it’s just a photo op: the shoes.

freshly polished, not hard toes: screams “photo-op”

MO painted some pipes a funky shade of melon sorbet at a renovation service project for the Vinson Hall Retirement .

We’re wearing last year’s purple Converses: restraint.

You might remember last year BO and MO were involved in another renovation project on 9/11:

more painting renovations, circa 9/11, 2009: Watch out for that boom! 

Apparently “renovation” has become a regular part of our National Day of Service and Remembrance now. I guess that makes sense, since there were some major renovations done on the original 9/11.

Renovations in progress on the original Day of Remembrance 

I guess the chickens have finally come home to roost.