From Riches to Ragtops: UPDATE: To Tatas

UPDATE: A RIGHTNETWORK Exclusive Reflection of Lady M backing into a Tata Nano. I think you will all “Like” the crap out of it!

Reporting from the way far East, this is your cub reporter, MOTUS.

Back to you Chet.

Oh oh! I think I might need to dust off and enhance my Curriculum Vitae. When Lady M reads the reviews from the Indian leg of our Metallica Mystery tour, I might end up another statistic in the endless unemployment line.

Can you believe this?  All of the Indian journalists are telling the truth about our trousseau. Where do these foreigners get off speaking truth to power?

“Michelle tried to follow the 1950s’ dressing theme, which is now in (but) some of her outfits were quite hideous. The black full-sleeved top and high-waist skirt she wore during her Raj Ghat visit didn’t work at all.”

 

What’s not working here? The Walmart pin (made in China?, The  black spandex top from Walmart (made in China)? The retro, reverse box pleat abstract print skirt made from a shower curtain from Walmart (made in China)… wait: I’m catching the drift – international jealousy. That is hideous.

I wonder if this mystical transformation to a short-sleeved version with indigenous bangles works any better for smarty-pants?

Jamal Shaikh , editor, Men’s Health, says, “The long gown that she wore to the state banquet made her look like a giant mermaid. It wasn’t exactly flattering for her frame.”

Well I’ll be damned - fish scales! I would have sworn that was reptilian skin. So anyway, Mr. Jamal Shaikh, what you clearly don’t understand is that nothing is exactly flattering to Lady M’s frame. Work with us here. That’s your job.

Designer Anupama Dayal says, “She looked elegant, yet sexy in sharply tailored, dresses in Paris. Over here, her slightly billowy skirt seemed to form a paunch on her stomach.”

Ya’ think?

This is very unprofessional reporting. What we’re dealing with here is a hostile Indian press, cherry picking little snippets of the truth in order to make the story fit their point. For example, not one comment about this outfit:

Upon review of the entire stiuation, I don’t think I need to update my CV after all. By current administration standards, I give myself a B+

Meanwhile, one day in Indonesia and we’ve already created an international incident. Here’s the situation as clearly as I can relate it: Lady M is in a diplomatic line shaking diplomatic hands when along comes some guy from the Neanderthal period who doesn’t believe in shaking hands with unclean women, or something.  Never-the-less, Lady M’s personal charms and magnetic powers suck him into her vortex and force him to press flesh.

So then, Mr. conservative Muslim goody-goody tries to explain this gross breach of propriety to all of his loyal and, presumably, likewise flesh obsessed followers:

“I tried to prevent [being touched] with my hands but Mrs. Michelle held her hands too far toward me [so] we touched," Tifatul Sembiring told tens of thousands of followers on Twitter, the Associated Press reports.

I don’t know what actually happened, since I was all wrapped up in my Mylar snuggie and couldn’t get a clear reflection. But on YouTube, he does look like he’s under some kind of spell. So clearly, our protocol chief completely screwed up. She’s the one who is going to need to update her resume - she’s so fired.

Butt that incident was nothing compared to our trip to the Mosque.

“ Does Michelle really need to wear this babushka? Because as you can see, she isn’t happy about it.”

Although to be fair, the ragtop is the least of our issues here:

*Sigh* That Mylar pouch is not working out as well as I’d hoped. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to have a current resume available. Any HR professionals out there available for a little personal coaching?

Looks like we’re landing in Seoul now. At least I can enjoy some bulgogi and kimchi before getting tossed into the soup line.

Linked by:

• Claire at SondraK-“ *Facepalm*LOTUS “ (Hugs & ♥♥♥s)

RIGHTNETWORK #2: Obama's Brother from Another Mother

Warning: the picture on the right is a composite of the two on the left. Disturbing, no?

As you know, I wasn’t around when Richard Nixon was in the White House so I’m depending on my American History module to inform this discussion.

As I understand it, President Nixon was said to be a paranoid narcissist who had a drinking problem, suffered mood swings, had difficulty distinguishing between his perceptions and objective reality, despised the increasingly critical press and demonized those who disagreed with him.

He was ultimately brought down not so much by his nuttiness but by a certain person, code-named “Deep Throat” who passed damning insider information on to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, two shlubs working for the Washington Post and looking to make a mark with their Watergate coverage.

Now, in an odd twist of fate, or historical coincidence, we find ourselves dealing with our own 21st century “Deep Throat,” code-named “Rope-a-Dope” who’s spreading supposed Big White insider information on to some would-be modern day investigative journalist named Ulsterman. He’s already published 7 entries from this supposed “source,” relating tales of presidential meltdowns, malfeasance, depression and withdrawal.

The gist of Rope-a-Dope’s interviews with the U-man seems to be that Big Guy is, well, a paranoid narcissist who has a drinking problem, suffers mood swings, has difficulty distinguishing between his perceptions and objective reality, despises the increasingly critical press and demonizes those who disagree with him. Where have I read that before?

 

Something else the boys have in common: boxers, not briefs

I can see two possible explanations for the release of these sensational stories ahead of the midterms.

One, Bob Woodward, who was given waaay too much access to the Big White in order to write his latest best seller, Obama’s Wars, has been trying to relive his glory days ever since Bobby Redford played him in All the President’s Men, and finally saw his chance. Since he’s too old for the lead this time around, he decided to play the noble role of DeepThroat instead.

Additionally, I would just add that Woodward is a close personal friend of both Bill and Hill. You do the math.

The only other possible explanation is that this is just part of the vast, racist rightwing conspiracy.

Either way, painting Big Guy as a disturbed Nixonian persona seems a bit of stretch. For one thing, Nixon kept his enemies list close to the vest, whereas BO is proud to review his every time he opens his mouth.

Nor do they agree on the value of a good round of golf. The Nixter said “By the time you get dressed, drive out there, play 18 holes and come home, you've blown seven hours. There are better things you can do with your time.”  The Won, on the other hand, can’t conceive of a better way to blow seven hours.

Although it’s possible that Tricky Dick didn’t like golf because it appears he just wasn’t that good at it.

 

Will this cost me a Mulligan?

Just in case you haven’t been following Ulsterman’s chronicle of life behind-Oz’s-curtain, it started in early September. Our unidentified Rope-a-Dope started feeding him with – theoretically - insider dope. U-man swallowed the feed and filed Part 1 of the Obama Diaries: The President is Losing It,  which I covered the other day in Where’s the Damn Seal !!?

This was followed shortly by Part 2, The President Needs to Grow Up in which we find out that Rope-a-Dope thinks that Lady M “...might be to the left of Nancy Pelosi.  She really doesn’t care for how things work in the country and she wants to see it all changed.” and that Big Guy “...doesn’t respect any opinion that is different from his own.  He just doesn’t care to know any other side to any given issue.  I really believe it’s a maturity thing.”

This is just silly. How is this mole-worthy? Does anyone NOT know that Lady M is not just left of Fancy Nancy, but about two full continents to the left of even Barbra Streisand and Rachael Madow?

Butt why are we even putting Lady M and the soon to be deposed, Fancy Nancy in the same sentence? Clearly, there’s no comparison.

 Completely Out Gunned!

And Big Guy doesn’t respect opinions different from his own?  I hope U-man isn’t paying for this stuff, because even Barney down in the mail room knows better than to disagree with BO about anything, even the weather. We all know we’re just one slip away from being dumped into the bucket of bitter clingers and cops acting stupidly.  The Big White is World Headquarters for Sycophants ‘R Us.

So, just a heads up, there are at least 5 more installments that I’ll be reporting on over the next  2 weeks.  Don’t believe any of it. I’ve seen this sort of fabrication before. Surely you know by now that everything you hear and most of what you see around here is done with smoke and (modest blush) mirrors? So let’s be careful out there.

Rumor: Big Guy is depressed and withdrawn. Fact: Not true. He’s just busy playing golf, shooting hoops, and enjoying a few smokes and drinks with Reggie while chilling out and watching a few games on ESPN. Smoke? Mirrors? I reflect, you decide.

 

Do you have any other kind of pie? I don’t really like apple.

The Metallica Mystery Tour … continues

Ah, finally! The Imperial bow.

Big Guy’s patronizing speech to the Indian Parliament was sort of confusing. Not the patronizing part - we do imperialism rather well - but the part where he  praised India's democratic institutions: its free electoral system, independent judiciary, the rule of law, and a free press: all things that he opposes in the United States.

And apparently TOTUS refused to condemn jihad, to the dismay of some people both in India and the U.S.

Butt damn! Big Guy does love the Indian ceremonial guards and chefs.

 

Can we get some of these to take home? They’d look good in the Big White.

    Then the Indians threw us a swell state dinner. We pulled out all the stops, including our special hair, lip gloss, gold silk organza blouse, gold mini-boob belt and our special tinfoil reptilian patterned skirt that we had been saving for Indonesia.

  Another potential salt and pepper set for our collection 

I wasn’t really sure we were going to get to go to Indonesia until we actually departed in our schizophrenic dress and blue Cinderellas.

Officially the hesitation regarding the trip was due to the volcanic eruption:

Although the real eruptions we were concerned about were more domestic:

I can’t imagine what it must be like - being rejected by 2 of your 3 countries.

Anyway, Lady M went native for our deplaning and arrival,

adding her own fashion forward touch to this traditional Indonesian dress style. Our wide-legged pants and lace trimmed, boob-cinched tunic style top was unexpected. And unprecedented.

Ms.NBC explains the importance of this Indonesian trip by BO and MO:

U.S. President Barack Obama arrived in Jakarta on Tuesday on a visit aimed at boosting U.S. security and trade ties with Indonesia, and using the most populous Muslim nation to reach out to the wider Islamic world.

Indonesia — an emerging economic power but also a country where U.S.-backed military and police still stifle dissent — is an important destination for Obama for a variety of strategic and personal reasons, aides said. Its importance as a U.S. ally is on the rise, even if the joy over Obama's election has faded since he became president almost two years ago.

Occasionally, even Ms.NBC gets it right. We never know when we might need an ally who still believes in stifling dissent.

PS: Don’t miss Fausta’s take on Big Guy’s Parliamentary message! What India needs: more bureaucrats, or something.

New Delhi Whirl

This trip is such a whirlwind I can hardly keep up with the wardrobe changes.

Here’s what we’ve had going since yesterday:

 The mini-Taj Mahal (and our mini-guide)

 The mini-Taj Mahal (and BO and MO)

 Another couture dress with special MO features

BO was quite taken with Humayun’s Tomb (aka, the mini-Taj):

“I was told this was built in seven years. And for us to build something in seven years in the United States this big would be kind of tough. I give them a lot of credit. Good contractors.”

Translation: We suck, butt you guys are terrific!

And yup, their contractors were the best. Butt I understand the actual laborers weren’t represented by the SEIU and didn’t earn a living wage. Butt some oppressors are worse than others.

We had a chance to dazzle our hosts with our tallness at dinner last night:

Lady M in Presidential flats

The embroidered jacket could almost be vintage St. John from the 90’s. Butt I’m sure it’s not. And look: we finally found pants that don’t cause that “unseamly” binding. And nothing is wrinkled! I’m happy.

Wouldn’t this make a nice set of salt and pepper shakers?

The ensemble was actually a homage to Indian dress uniforms, seen here in the background behind Gibbsy’s finger (on the left hand):

We’ve also been busy shopping, visiting with the adorable little children, throwing rose petals and laying commemorative wreaths (in New Delhi, we couldn’t make the Fort Hood services this year due to a scheduling conflict).

 

No fat behinds here! I smell a vegetarian FDA food pyramid coming soon

Maybe we’re doing vintage this season: this looks vaguely ‘70s

 

Mmmm! Donuts!

So far the only thing missing is a bow. We’ve had to settle for the universal ethnic restaurant gesture of superiority.

However, we still have our address to Parliament, so it’s too early to give up. Speaking of which, Big Guy is up, so I’ve got to run.

Falling Stars: Midday Update

I hope New Delhi appreciates our fabulosity a whole lot more than Mumbai did. They seemed nice while we were there, but like so many of our ingrates back home, they took a snipe at us as soon as we turned our backs:

Well, OK maybe they thought we were dissing them with our sloppy clothes, but we just forgot to pack the Static Guard again. So look what they wrote in their stupid paper (HT/ C Gardener):

God's truth, the city was glad to see him go.

Who would have guessed that Mumbai was populated by so many Tea Partiers? I blame myself for not putting 2 and 2 together: Darjeeling, Assam, chai. Well, you get my drift.

So good riddance Mumbai,

hello New Delhi!

 

Bright and refreshed after our flight and wardrobe change. I’m going to remember to pack the steamer and Static Guard myself next time. Although that’s technically Wardrobe Assistant # 17’s job.

I’m sure things will be much better on this leg of the tricp. I’m picking up much better vibes here.

“Yes, Sahib, we’ve now removed all of the coconuts from the palms. They will all be delivered to Sahib and Rani’s suite, along with a gallon bottle of Bombay Saphire.”

Dancing With the Indian Stars

If your head isn’t spinning a little by now, you’re not paying attention.

First of all, the controversy over how to spell Gandhi’s name rages on with the O’s.  Beginning with the official sign-in at the Gandhi museum, where many thought Lady M forgot the correct spelling for a moment before recovering. Then someone has to go and produce this inscription that Big Guy wrote on his own book when it was presented to the museum collection previously:

   We American’s have trouble spelling foreign names

Don’t worry though, it’s not really a misspelling. Just more international effete intellectualism.

Mumbai was a frenetic visit, punctuated by multiple events, many of which included dancing.

Here’s our second dance of the day, this time as we were entertained by children at the Holy Name High School:

 At least we have our shoes on this time.

Even BO got involved this time. Good experience. You never know when you might decide to take your show to Broadway.

This, of course, was after Big Guy signed some big business deals with India, our new BFF, after explaining how all Americans are ignorant and guilty of stereotyping the contributions of the Indian continent,

"There still exists a caricature of India as a land of call centers and back offices that cost American jobs. That's a real perception,"

He went on to explain how the new trade deals will create or save 50,000 jobs in America. Larry Summers added the numbers up himself.

Then there was the town hall at St. Xavier College, where the students demonstrated why we outsource so many jobs. They are willing to do the job that America journalists won’t: ask tough questions. Like, what the hell happened in the mid-term elections? BO told them he must make “mid-course corrections.” Based on his 60 Minutes interview, I think we can assume this will include more lectures, since the American people still don’t seem to get it.

And then, it was on to New Delhi.

 

 

Good. Now that we have the jacket dance down, we can move on to some of the more complicated Indian dances. We’re planning a music and dance recital after Big Guy and TOTUS give their address to the Indian Parliament tomorrow.

Both BO and MO will be participating. Here’s a little sneak peak of one of our rehearsals:

I think Lady M has her moves down, and the guns are looking great, butt I think we still need to work on the costume. Big Guy’s got the costume down, but he still needs a little work on the moves. Don’t worry though, we’re flying DeneyTarrio in tonight for a crash-tutorial. By all accounts, Big Guy’s a quick learner, so nothing to worry about there.