Celebutards from 50 of Our 57 States: Part 1

So I don’t know about you, butt I need a weekend break from hope and change and CalConservGirl gave me an idea yesterday. I haven’t done a celebutard review in many moons (no Lady M keister pun intended). As luck would have it, UPI, which I think stands for United Panderers International, put together a slide show tour of Celebrities representing 50 of our 57 states. I won’t take them to task for the racist elimination of 7 whole states, butt I do have issues with some of the Celebutards they picked.

I’m going to have to break this into multiple installments though because even 50 states is too much for one post. Butt it will be worth waiting for, I promise (unless you’re from one of the 7 states UPI missed). So let’s begin with our first installment. I’m doing it alphabetically in order to appear to be fair and balanced, and in order to avoid showing favoritism to any of our union brothers “favored nation” status states.

Alabama:

Evander Holyfield: Five time Heavy Weight Champion of the World, with the added distinction of defeating Mike Tyson in an 11th round TKO! My kind of guy! Narrowly edged out the second place Alabama celebrity duo of Goober & Gomer Pyle.

Alaska

Valerie Plame: I know who you were expecting, butt Sean Penn didn’t star in her movie.

Arizona

Emma Stone was their choice, butt a good argument can be made for the meteorically rising star of celebrity boob, Mehgan McCain,

butt the election is over and Obama won.

Arkansas

Mike Huckabee: This is bound to be a controversial pick. To get to the Huckster, UPI had to pass over none other than the Big Dawg himself, Bill Clinton! Not to mention Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Cash! I’m glad I don’t have to answer their customer service lines. “I fell in to a burning ring of fire…I went down, down and the flames grew higher. And it burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.”

California

Jessica Alba: This was a no win situation. California is, as CalConservgal knows, the epicenter of celebutardism. It’s like being in a great restaurant where the menu has a gazillion pages and everything is to die for! I usually just order a burger with American cheese, fries and a vanilla shake. I think that’s what UPI did too.

Colorado

Amy Adams: Let’s note from the start that Colorado is a swing state that can help us WTF. So you’re not going to bait me into any gratuitous criticism. At least not until after the 2012 election returns are in. Amy is sweet, pretty and Drop Dead Gorgeous. There were other Coloradoans that could have been chosen. Tops among them Alferd G. “Alfie” Packer. I’m sure most of you know Alfie’s story, butt in case you don’t. Alfie was a miner who, in February of 1874, headed up into the Rocky Mountains above Montrose (the city, not the band) with 5 other miners bound for Gunnison. They became HOPElessly lost and snowbound. In April, Alfie arrived at a saloon near Gunnison, alone and actually having gained weight after his winter of desolation. An investigation followed, and the bones, licked clean, of Alfie’s 5 fellow travelers were discovered.

Alfie was convicted of cannibalism and legend has it that at his sentencing, before sending him to the hoosegow for 40 years, the judge reportedly said “Alfie, in January there was seven good Democrats in Hinsdale County and you et five of ‘em.” Alfie was pardoned in 1901 and lived out his days on a ranch in Deer Creek, CO where, he reportedly, became a vegetarian.

Later, in the 1990s, an enterprising entrepreneur, opened a short lived bar and grill in Dillon, Co, not far from Breckenridge, named “Alfie Packer’s.” The specialty of the house was “Miner’s Stew.”

Connecticut

Chole Sevigny: I don’t need to tell you why Chloe got the CT pick do I? I do? Hmmmm? You have seen the Brown Bunny (absolutely no relation to any of our Bunnies), haven’t you? No? Me neither. I understand she took the Brown Bunny role after being passed over for a spot on the Big White intern roster.

Delaware

David Plouffe: Seriously? Plouff-Daddy must have a much better agent than Joey B. Still, I expect repercussions.

Florida

Mickey Rourke: I actually approve of this pick, although I don’t understand why Florida gets him, because he was born in Schenectady, NY. Butt I guess they had somebody else in mind for NY. Guess who! Wait for it: it’s coming up.

Say what you will about Mickey, butt he was undefeated as a light heavyweight with a record of 6 wins (KO 4) + 0 losses + 2 drawns, boxing 24 rounds with a 50% knock out rate.

Name: Mickey Rourke
Alias: El Marielito
Birth Name: Philip Andre Rourke, Jr.
Born: 1952-09-16
Nationality: US American
Hometown: Schenectady, New York
Boxing Record: click
Stance: Orthodox  [ed. I didn’t even know he was Jewish!]
Height: 5′ 11″   /   180cm

I think he could have given Alabama’s Evander Holyfield a run for his money, butt his face tells you who would have won…I’m talking about the face after the botched cosmetic surgery. When will they ever learn?

Georgia

Jeff Foxworthy: No complaints here, butt I’m not from Georgia. Are any of you? Not sure? Well then, you might be from Georgia if...

Hawaii

Barry Soetoro: No surprises here except he was picked twice, once by Hawaii and once by one of our 7 international states, Kenya.

Idaho

Christina Hendricks: Born in Twin Falls Idaho...Twin Falls... Bwaahahahahahahahahah!

Maybe someday, butt not yet. As they say, you can’t make this stuff up.

Illinois

Cindy Crawford: I’m sorry; who????

“Born in DeKalb, Illinois, Cindy Crawford began her journey from obscurity to ubiquity after a reporter snapped a picture of her working at a summer job when she was 16. She graduated from high school as valedictorian, but dropped out of Northwestern University to pursue modeling.”

Little Ms. Mensa  “U” drop-out  doesn’t even have a BA!? Nor a law degree from a prestigious ivy league university, let alone a law license that she could “voluntarily” surrender to the court to avoid prosecution! What a blatantly racist pick! Ok, picking Orca would have been even more racist (see Mississippi).

Indiana

Tony Stewart: Ok, what did you expect; it’s Hoosier-ville! WTF is a hoosier anyway? Butt, shhhh: don’t tell anybody. I  love NASCAR! Several of my cousins are Donnelly mirrors and reflect on the big races.

Iowa

Elijah Wood: This one caught me by surprise. I thought we’d heard the last of him after Nike dropped his endorsement deal and he couldn’t even make the cut in several minor tournaments.

What? Oh... Never mind. Elijah – great actor!  Or penguin. I’m really not sure.

Kansas

Kirstie Alley: I love Kirstie, butt this was a blatant gift to make up for her second place finish on Dancing With the Stars. When you think about it, why not one of the more deserving Kansarians like Harry Truman, Walt Disney, Amelia Earhart, Jesse James, Satchel Paige, or Dorothy Gale! Ok, not Dorothy, because she knows who the guy behind the curtain is, and that would not set well with Big Guy…or the guy behind the curtain.

And now that she’s no longer “Kirstie Alley fat” she qualifies because she no longer takes the place of two contestants.

Kentucky

George Clooney: Did any body else know that Sir Hunkasaurus was from flyover country, or am I the only one who’s been holed up in a bunker since 1-20-2009? Ok, I live a somewhat sheltered life, butt I would have bet the farm (proof positive) that George was raised in one of our sophisticated megalopolises, like NYC or LA. I guess that explains “Brother, Where Art Thou?”. Other than that, nothing about Kentucky breeding explains his politics.  Unless he was bred purely for looks.

Louisiana

Harry Connick Jr: No better pick for the Big Easy than Harry. I love the Neville brothers and I’ve still got half of a jar of Marie Laveau’s goofer dust, butt Harry was the right pick here. Anybody disagree? Remember, I’ve still got half ‘a jar of goofer dust. And I’m not afraid to use it on James Carville.

Maine

John O'Hurley: Ok, I admit, I was never a fan of Seinfeld. I know I’m in the minority, butt being a minority is really advantageous these days, I should probably  try to milk my minority status while it’s still fashionable. And, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch the Family Feud after they dumped that cute-as-a-button Corporal Peter Newkirk.

Butt I guess O’Hurley was judged to be more deserving than some of Maine’s other celebrities, like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Bush 41, John Travolta or “expert at everything about living” and convicted felon, Martha Stewart. Although technically she has a home in Maine, Martha-matching-sweater-set-and-tea-cozy is from Nutely, New Jersey, which just seems right somehow.

Maryland

Sisqo: Full disclosure: I’m a big user of his network appliances,  catalyst switches and routers. Wait a minute, Raj is trying to tell me something. Yeah, Yeah.  Uh-huh. Oh!  “Cisco.” OK. Never mind.

Lady M has his “Thong Song” on her iPod, butt I am sooo not down with that.

Massachusetts

Geena Davis: Virginia Elizabeth “Geena” Davis didn’t win this role because she is an accomplished, award winning actress, former model or Olympic archery finalist.

She didn’t win because, at the age of 46, she wisely, and strategically, married a plastic surgeon. No, she won the spot for nailing her roll as a historic Commander in Chief. Something her real-life historic successor is still struggling with.

Michigan

Michael Moore: Michigan is the ancestral home and alleged birth state of my BBB, Dewey from Detroit. So, forgive me if I spend a wee bit more time than usual reviewing the Michigan celebrities UPI passed over in choosing this moronic tub of jelly donut blubber. This is the most embarrassing slap in the Michigander face since, well I don’t think there has ever been anything in this league before. The contenders Michael Moore-donuts beat out include, in alphabetical order:

Tim “The Tool Man” Allen, Gillian Anderson, Bob Bell: What, you’ve never heard of Bob Bell? He was the first and only original:

Bozo the Clown!

Ok, picking Bobby might have taken a bit of the “historic” sheen away from our current clown holding the title, so let’s move on.

Elizabeth Berkley, Sandra Bernhardt, Salvatore Phillip “Sonny” Bono, Tom “The Hunkiest, Hottest & Greatest Football Player Of All Time...All Time” Brady, Christie Brinkley, Vincent Damon Furnier (aka Alice Cooper), Francis Ford Coppola  (Why, UPI, do you disrespect me in this way?), Jeff Daniels, Pam “Mindy” Dawber, Dick "Oh, my!" Enberg, Eminem, Bob Eubanks, President Gerald R. Ford, Henry Ford, “The Queen of Soul” Aretha Franklin, Glen Frey, Max “Wojo” Gail, Kirk “Gibby” Gibson, Barry “Motown” Gordy Jr., Charlton Heston, Jimmy “Sleeps Wid Da Fishes” Hoffa, Ervin “Magic” Johnson, James Earl “Come Over To The Dark Side” Jones, Casey Kasem, Kid Rock, Charles A. Lindbergh, Malcolm “Big Guy’s Bio-dad” X, Jamie “Mythbuster” Hyneman, Madonna, Lee Majors, Dick Martin, Judge Greg Mathis, Ed McMahon, Tim “The Ladies Man” Meadows, Harry “Detective Bill Gannon” Morgan, ALL THE MOTOWN STARS, Ted “The Motor City Mad Man” Nugent, Rosa Parks, George Peppard Jr., Iggy Pop, Gilda Radner, Sugar Ray Robinson, Della Reese, William “Smokey” Robinson, Diana Ross, Steven Seagal, Bob Seger, Tom Selleck, Del Shannon, Sinbad, Tom  Sizemore, Tom Skerritt, David “Buh-Bye Now” Spade, Danny Thomas, Lily Tomlin, Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer, Uncle Kracker, James “Ginger Ale” Vernor, Robert Wagner, Robin Williams, Serena Williams (more on Serena coming soon!), Stevie Wonder, Dick “The Only Real Darrin “Dagwood” Stephens” York and many, many more!

So, I guess UPI had no real choice. Butt what does the fat-ball think of his selection?

Well put big, big guy

Minnesota

Rachael Leigh Cook: Give me a minute. I’m still steaming over that last pick.

Ok, Rachael Leigh Cook: She’s pretty, although she’s not Swedish, Norwegian or German. I guess this was a way to tactfully avoid having to give an attractive Gopher State candidate for higher office - if you know who I mean - any more free publicity.

Butt RLC is pretty too and her picture has graced many products, including  the cover of the Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit box!

No, not this picture. This picture was in...oh, never mind. She won, and she’s way prettier than Garrison Keillor.

 Mississippi

Oprah Winfrey: Ouch! This one’s going to leave a mark! Not on me, butt on the racists at UPI. Why would they stir the pot of hatred by picking this woman, at this time without picking Lady M for Illinois? I’ll tell you…it’s because they are racists! And they haven’t heard the last of this!

I know this is a digression, butt I couldn’t help butt notice the article: “Dr. Oz’s 5-step plan for a perfect checkup.” So is that the objective? Just passing the tests? Maybe the Atlanta school board should hire Dr. Oz.

Missouri

Ginger Rogers: What a sweetie! I love this pick, although I’m not in love with the picture they chose. Why pick one with that self-hatin’ perv, Woody Allen? Weiner-gate has blown over. Sorry, I promise, read my lips, no more Weiner jokes.

I would have used a picture like this:

or this:

Maybe they thought Woody made Ginger seem more relevant, seeing as how she was just a dancer. And Woody is a big Hollywood producer who married his own daughter. I still don’t get it.

Montana

Michelle Williams: I have to admit, I had to do a hard drive search on this little number because I never watched Dawson’s Creek or Brokeback Mountain. Anyhoo, the real surprise here is that they picked a girl who ran for the US Senate as an R-word. Twice! I guess they waived that disqualifier because she lost both times and they want to be fair and balanced.

Michelle did win this title, beating some serious contenders including: Gary Cooper, Myrna Loy, Martha Raye, George Montgomery, Peter Fonda, Dana Carvey, Chet “Good Night David” Huntley, Brent Musburger, George Winston, Evel Knievel and Theodore “Unabomber” Kacynski. Ted was disqualified on the basis of his ideological kinship to Obama-buddy and ghostwriter of Big Guy’s best selling book, Bill “Boom-Boom” Ayers.

Nebraska

Gabrielle Union: Gabby’s contributions to reduce the cost and improve the quality and availability of medical care in America swept her into this title without breaking a sweat. No, she’s not a doctor, butt she played one on the TeeVee. Don’t take this the wrong way: I love Gabby, butt I’m a little bummed out that they didn’t pair up Cornhusker Fred Astaire with Ginger for this dance. Butt I guess it was time for another minority selection.

Nevada

Andre Agassi: Frankly, I didn’t think anyone was actually born in Vegas, baby, butt Lady Luck certainly shined down on ol’ Andre. I think he’s looking more and more like Dr. Evil every day, don’t you?

New Hampshire

Adam Sandler: Now he’s funny, I don’t care who you are! Great pick for the Granite State, Adam managed to overcome his baggage to carry the ball across the finish line. Oh, I mean, the goal line. What baggage you ask? Well let’s start with he’s Jewish, butt not self-hating. How do I know? He’s  a registered R-word. Registered R-word! In his line of work! Live Free or Die, baby!

New Jersey

Michael Douglas: Dis one’s gonna’ trow all youse youses inta a tizzy! My-kal-frikkin-dug-luss? Git da “F” otta here!

Wud abot Mike Da Sit-u-a-shun? Or cud-dul  lu-hee, Snooki?

UPI? Wat iz dat any way? U-nited  Pekker Im-bah-suls?

Watt you lookin’ at?

I guess Martha Stewart is off the table. Wut?

New Mexico

Neil Patrick Harris: Doogie Howser, MD was a cinch to score the Land of Enchantment title. not only for his TeeVee contributions to ramming Obamacare up your passing Obamacare, butt for inventing lady M’s favorite dance. The only negative here is he’s not really Mexican, new or old.

New York

Ok, you’ve been very patient, so here it is:

Lady Gaga: This was in the stars! Lady Gaga blew both Weiners, Big & Little Tony, out of the competition ( I know I promised, butt I’m a politician!) and sent Client # 9 to the cold showers. Anybody who, in just one season, arrives in an egg and performs in a wheelchair prop is all Big Apple! Without even checking her DNA, I would not hesitate to confirm that she was born this way.

I can’t decide between the egg and the lobster.

And I believe on that note, we will have “a pause in the action” (a phrase coined by deceased Red Wing Player and play-by-play announcer, Sid Able, more years ago than you want to count. He’s not on the Michigan list of overlooked candidates because he was actually from Timmons, Ontario – north of the bear line.)

We’ll pick up with North Carolina next Sunday, unless there’s a really slow news day in between now and then.  Have a nice Sunday everyone, and try not to worry too much about the debt ceiling. The Bernanke has already signaled that his printing presses have been tuned up and we ordered several palettes of India ink. So we’re ready to roll in case the R-words actually have a spine and stand their ground.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal, and Death By 1000 Papercuts, and  MichelleIndependent on Newsbird, Thanks!

Obama: Magic Butt No Mathemagician

Welcome RIGHTNETWORK & Hot Air readers and Big Hugs, ♥s and Thanks to Doug Ross@Journal and Larwyn’s Linx and Hot Air’s Key West Reader!

I think we all know by now that numbers are not exactly el Numero Uno’s strong suit.

Heck, even the words that he and TOTUS are so well known for trip him up on occasion. Butt numbers – well, it’s like they’re just out to get him. Like that 57 state deal, the 10,000 people allegedly killed in Kansas, and the time he entered the wrong year in the Queen’s guest book.

It’s really not that big of a deal, think of it as a sort of numeric dyslexia. Unfortunately, it appears to be contagious since the House, Senate and the CBO all caught it when they were putting the cost of Obamacare together.

Like the real dyslexia, once you recognize what you’re dealing with, it can be overcome. Butt nobody around here, especially in our supportive media, wants to accuse the smartest man ever to be President of the United States of having a…ahem, numerical abnormality.

So that’s why, when he claimed yesterday that 80% of the public was behind him on increasing taxes, nobody asked, “uh, Mr. President, what poll, exactly, are you citing, sir?”

“The American people are sold,” President Obama said.

“The American people are sold, I just want to repeat that.”

Yeah, I’m not sure I would actually point that out though. I think the American people do know they’ve been sold. Along with their children, their children’s children, and their children’s children’s children. I can’t say for sure butt I have a feeling that’s one of the things that’s upsetting Big Guy’s apple cart.

“You have 80% of the American people who support a balanced approach. 80% of the American people support an approach that includes revenues and includes cuts. So the notion that somehow the American people aren’t sold is not the problem. The problem is members of Congress are dug in ideologically.”

Now I don’t want to act as a myth buster here, butt you can’t get 80% of the American people to agree on anything. Even the weather. When it’s raining.

So to claim that 80% of you agree that more taxes are a good idea doesn’t even pass the smell test. Our most reliably biased pollster couldn’t even muster up numbers to support that. Even over sampling (more than usual) the 47% of Democrats who pay no income taxes at all didn’t quite get us there.

So I think what our numerically-dyslexic Numero Uno meant to say was that 80% of you think we’re spending too much for what we’re getting. Which would explain why we’re seeing a lot more of this lately:

Mug shots from yesterday’s presser

And a lot less of this:

And when we do see that magical smile these days, it looks a little, well, forced.

Big Guy reacts to analysis of his claim that 80% of you have been “sold” on tax increases

Only 32% prefer a balance between spending cuts and tax increases, which added to the bottom option would still tilt the public far more in favor of spending cuts, 50/43.  Among independents — the most non-ideological group possible in this survey — it’s 51/41, a wider split. This is hardly a public that is “sold, sold!” on tax hikes.

And that’s just in the Gallup poll.  Two months ago, The Hill conducted its own poll that showed opposition to tax hikes  at 45%, with only 13% favoring an even split between tax hikes and spending cuts to solve the deficit problem, with another 11% supporting a 2/1 split for spending cuts to tax hikes, and 15% for a 3/1 split.  Even under the most liberal (pun intended) definition of “balanced,” only 39% in that poll opted for the idea.

Big Guy really hates it when facts rain on his parade.

“It’s not raining, I tell you. It’s just summer in Washington. You know, when everyone gets all wee-weed up?”

Man Child in Manorexia

Wow! Yesterday’s daily from across the pond published 2 articles that so totally covered our waterfront!

First, there’s this insightful piece on "manorexia" being on the rise. Apparently  “experts  believe the obsession to achieve the toned figure of male models has led to higher rates of eating disorders among men.”

Whoa! Nice rib cage, fella! That’s a finely toned bod.

Frankly, I think they’re underestimating the role of drugs in this equation, butt either way, it’s clear they don’t eat right. In fairness though, I don’t think you can blame models for what is clearly a sheeple problem. You know, giving up your individual right to think and choose in favor of groupthink?

Groupthink occurs when individuals acquiesce to the wisdom of some perceived authority (e.g.  the media) and abandon their critical evaluation skills, often in order to reach consensus.  Don’t get me wrong: Big Guy is a big fan of consensus. In fact, he’s demanded that Congress reach one regarding the debt ceiling/budget “issue” soon, so he can move on. Butt he’s beside himself, because up till now, when he demanded something, he got it. This time there seems to be some push back from those uppity Congressional R-words, especially Eric the Cantor. Probably because they’re racists.

Is it any wonder then, that he hasn’t been eating right? With peons challenging his authority as leader of the free world?

Get that man a burger, fries and a shake!

Butt just for a reality check, do any of you think these are sexually attractive men? I mean, to women.

Because apparently the rest of the sheeple world does. If you do too, I’m thinking I need to get updates for my aesthetic filters, because these dudes would definitely have been auto-deleted in any scan tagged “sexually attractive men.”

Next, we had the article on a rise in female “burnout” – an article about women who push themselves so hard on the job and at home that they literally have a breakdown. The author concludes it’s because women always put others needs ahead of themselves, hence not allowing enough “me time.”

I won’t sugar coat this: I think Lady M could fall prey to this syndrome. She’s always sacrificin’ for the country, and taking care of everyone’s needs around the Big White.  And I’ve seen some signs of the disorder that were mentioned in the article.

Poor eating habits:

“Butt Mommy, I don’t like fat balls”

Letting their hair go:

Not paying any attention to their clothing:

Flying off the handle:

Maybe we should look at carving out little more “me time.” I’ll see if I can get us in for a weekend spa appointment. We don’t need any more melt downs around here.

 

It’s bad enough that Big Guy’s so testy we can no longer ask him questions.

First Obama stomps out on the meeting yesterday because Cantor kept asking Obama questions, and now the entire White House press corps has to go into time out for the same reason. This may be the most thin-skinned President since Richard Nixon.

I always get nervous when I hear Nixon’s name mentioned in the same sentence as Big Guy. And seriously: “the most thin-skinned President since Nixon”? I don’t think Dick ever had any hissy-fits in public.

“Call My Bluff, and the N-word gets it!”

The article started out well enough:

There’s no denying Michelle Obama has brought glamour to the White House. Not only has she mastered ladylike chic, she champions young designers and has a subtle approach  to fashion.

Butt then they go on to say something stupid like this:

… she’s tackled one of this season’s trickiest trends — colour blocking. In a palette of deep blue, sky blue, mauve and pale yellow, Michelle proves that an unlikely mix of colours can often be the most successful.

Oh, right:

The article continues:

The secret to pulling off the trend is to wear simple shapes — think classic shifts, maxis or tunics — and let the colours do the talking.

As evidenced here:

Here’s a rather simple rule of thumb I like to follow: If the fabric looks as if it could just as well be turned into a table cloth, you might not wish to have it “do the talking” for you.

First off, let’s be “crystal clear,” to borrow a Big Guyism: the only one doing any real “color blocking” around here is me, and I do plenty of it.

Imagine this little number in a bright tomato red, for instance:

From yellow bird…

To tomato tart. This is what happens without color blocking. I think you see my point.

Meanwhile, back across the pond, we have the vaunted Washington Post weighing in on the Wons’ apparent disconnect on the "good vs bad vegetable” controversy:

The trouble with Michelle’s campaign is how easily it’s become a metaphor for this administration as a whole. It’s Eat-Your-Peas politics. Finish those vegetables. Pull off the Band-Aid. Raise that debt ceiling!

… The debt-ceiling vote goes beyond peas and verges dangerously on broccoli.

Now, let me point out that it was a R-word, George the First, who vilified broccoli, thereby paving the way for future presidents to trash less noxious vegetables like sweet peas. As they are fond of saying in politics, it’s a slippery slope.

Vegetable politics are the politics of delayed gratification. And that’s the thing we do least well. Raise the debt limit? Get off the couch?

Naaah! Let’s just send out for pizza. And shakes. And maybe a sack of burgers and fries, in case we have to work late again.

With Moody’s, and now Standard and Poor’s, threatening to downgrade our bonds if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, and with the Social Security checks getting lost in the mail, the heat has really been cranked up in the Big White. And one thing we can’t abide in the Big White is heat, so that’s not helping on the “delayed gratification” front either. Big Guy pounded his fists on the table yesterday and stormed out of the room with the epithet “You’ll hear from my lawyer!”

No, actually, he said: “Don't call my bluff. I'm going to the American people on this." Excellent plan! And it’s a first for Big Guy. He hasn’t even acknowledged the American people until now, let alone let them have a say in his policies!

Butt you can’t blame him for not taking his important policies to the people: after all, he doesn’t really think you’re “paying attention” and he believes you “don’t understand politics.” So I guess Big Guy’s planning to take his debt ceiling plan to the 24% of you who are paying attention and think we should raise the debt ceiling, not the 69% of you who don’t want the debt ceiling raised. That uninformed, confused 69% majority is clearly watching too much Fox News.

Taking his “eat your peas” argument to the street seems safe enough. I’m sure everyone likes peas enough, especially the sugar snap kind. Now, if you were trying to get them to eat broccoli, and telling them that it’s really peas, that would be an entirely different matter.

So don’t worry; even though Big Guy told Eric the Cantor  "I've reached my limit. This may bring my presidency down, but I won't yield on this. Enough is enough."  he promised to come back today after Eric has had a chance to calm down and come to the realization that raising taxes during a deep, dark depression recession really is a good idea.

Apparently Eric triggered this outburst when he took Big Guy at his word that these discussions were not going to be about political posturing. He ill-manneredly had the audacity to interrupt Big Guy - 15 minutes into his political posturing - to suggest a short-term solution.

That impertinence on the part of one of the little people, who clearly doesn’t know his place, triggered that “petulant-child syndrome” we’ve been trying to keep under wraps. I guess we still need to work on it a bit.

 H/T Redstate commenter izoneguy

Don’t say I didn’t try to warn you:

Man, if we’re having this much trouble with peas, Lady M’s got her work cut out for her if she wants Americans to tackle beets, Brussels sprouts and kohlrabi.

Twittering Our Credit Limits Away: Special Director’s Cut (MOTUS Exclusive)

I’m not talkin’ out of school by telling you that Big Guy’s first TTH (Twitter Town Hall) didn’t go as smoothly as we would have HOPEd. Big Guy seemed to forget that he was answering ADHD questions with “I’m a professor of constitutional law at the University of Chicago” answers. To say we lost control of the agenda is not the point; we lost the point.

Twittering while the ship of state goes down

Knowing we have to get right back in the Twitter saddle - so to speak - Plouffee thought it would be a good idea to use yesterday’s presser as a practice tweet session. 

Giddy-up, Cowboy

He and his staff coached Big Guy on the Public Relations Q&A code, which happens to work really well for Twitter too. Here are the basics; no matter how long, complex or emotion packed the question, your response must be a one-liner: short, concise, direct. Big Guy, because his brain is like a steel trap (I still think that’s a bad analogy, butt Lady M seems to like it) indicated he was locked and loaded. Butt either he knows nothing about guns, or he got his “lock” and his “load” reversed. Either way, somewhere out on the shooting range he completely lost sight of the target. As a result, our trial run for the next big TTH ran off the rails a bit.

Some twits at our Twitter Townie

We assigned our in-house video crew to scan the video from the press conference and cut Big Guy off when he reached the Twitter-max 140 character response. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the Won that, on Twitter, unlike the scrubbed clean transcripts  and multimedia files provided by our Ministry of Propaganda (aka the MSM) every sound he utters, including non-fluencies would be counted. So that’s a mitigating factor, to be taken into consideration.

When using his opposable thumbs to tap out a real tweet, those non-fluencies won’t be there (I HOPE), taking up unnecessary characters. In fairness then, we didn’t count the commas inserted around the non-fluencies. They’ve just been added to assist with copy readability, and like I said, Big Guy won’t be inserting them with his thumbs anyway.

Butt, rules are rules, and the videographers were just following instructions. So here, first, is the truncated transcript, followed by the video clip of the truncated, 140 character, one-liner answers. As you’ll see brevity is the soul of wit, and there’s not much wit here to work with. If you actually care what Big Guy said, you’ll have to read the whole thing whole thing, butt be sure to carve out an hour or so.

It looks like we’re probably going to have to create a new position of Social Media/Twitter Czar, possibly at Cabinet level, for a bit of additional coaching before tackling another TTH.

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

Mr. Claire Shipman

For Immediate Release

July 11, 2011

Press Conference by the President

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room

Big Guy’s Briefing:

Good morning everybody. Uhhh I want to give a quick update on what's happening with the debt negotiations, provide my perspective, and then

Big Guy’s Close-Questions & Answers:

All right with that I’m going to uhh take some questions starting with Ben Feller

Ben Feller Question:

Thank you very much, Mr. President.  Two quick topics. Given that you’re running out of time, can you explain what is your plan for where these talks go if Republicans continue to oppose any tax increases, as they’ve adamantly said that they will?  And secondly, on your point about no short-term stopgap measure, if it came down to that and Congress went that route, I know you’re opposed to it but would you veto it?

Big Guy Answer:

I will not sign a 30 day or a 60 day or a 90 day extension Tha that is just not an acceptable approach And if we think it’s gonna to be hard

Ben Feller Follow-up:

Do you see any path to a deal if they don't budge on taxes?

Big Guy Answer:

I do not see a path to drill uhh to a deal if they don't budge, period. I mean, it it if the basic proposition is, "it's my way

Chip Reid Question:

Thank you, Mr. President.  You said that everybody in the room is willing to do what they have to do, wants to get something done by August 2nd.  But isn’t the problem the people who aren’t in the room, and in particular Republican presidential candidates and Republican Tea Partiers on the Hill, and the American public?  The latest CBS News poll showed that only 24 percent of Americans said you should raise the debt limit to avoid an economic catastrophe.  There are still 69 percent who oppose raising the debt limit.  So isn’t the problem that you and others have failed to convince the American people that we have a crisis here, and how are you going to change that?

Big Guy Answer:

Well luh luh let me distinguish between professional politicians and uhh the public at large Uh tha the public is not paying close attention

Chip Reid Follow-up:

Do you think he’ll come back to the $4 trillion deal?

Big Guy Answer:

Uh a I think Speaker Boehner has been very sincere about tryin to uhh do somethin big Uh I think he’d like to do something big

Rich Wolf Question:

Thank you, Mr. President.  You keep talking about balance, shared sacrifice, but in the $4 trillion deal that you’re talking about roughly, it seems to be now at about four-to-one spending to taxes; we’re talking about $800 billion in taxes, roughly.  That doesn’t seem very fair to some Democrats.  I’m wondering if you could clarify why we’re at that level.  And also, if you could clarify your Social Security position -- would any of the money from Social Security, even from just Chained CPI, go toward the deficit as opposed to back into the trust fund?

Big Guy Answer:

With respect to Social Security, Social Security is not the source of our deficit problems. Social Security uh if it if it is part

Sam Stein Question:

Thank you, Mr. President.  With unemployment now at 9.2 percent and a large chunk of those lost jobs coming from the private sector, is now a really good time to cut trillions of dollars in spending?  How will we still create jobs?  And then to piggyback on the Social Security question -- what do you say to members of your own party who say it doesn’t contribute to the deficit, let’s consider it but not in the context of this deal?

Big Guy Answer:

Uh, our biggest priority as an administration is getting the economy back on track and puttin people back to work. Uhh, now ya know without

Sam Stein Follow-up:

Are there things with respect to Social Security, like raising the retirement age, means testing -- are those too big a chunk for -

Big Guy Answer:

I, I’m probably not gonna to get into the details, Sam, right now of negotiations. Uh I might uhh enjoy negotiating with you but uhh I don’t

Leslie Clark Question:

Thank you, Mr. President

Big Guy Answer:

Thank you.

Leslie Clark Follow-up:

Have you -- you’ve talked with economists, you said that economists have agreed that a deal needs to be made.  Have you worked with new U.S. business leaders at all to lobby Congress to raise the debt ceiling?  And if so, who are you talking to?

Big Guy Answer:

Uhh, uhh I have spoken extensively to business leaders. Uhhm a a and and I’ll be honest with ya I think that business leaders leaders in the

Leslie Clark Follow-up Follow-up:

And can you say, as the clock ticks down, whether or not the administration is –

Big Guy Answer:

I’m sorry I, I

Leslie Clark Follow-up Follow-up Follow-up:

Can you say, as the clock ticks down, whether or not the administration is working on any sort of contingency plans if things don’t happen by August?

Big Guy Answer:

Uhh, we are going to get this done by August 2nd

George Condon Question:

Mr. President, to follow on Chip’s question, you said that the Speaker faces tough politics in his caucus.  Do you have complete confidence that he can deliver the votes on anything that he agrees to?  Is he in control of his caucus?

Big Guy Answer:

Uh you know that’s a question for the Speaker uhhh not a question for me. Um a my uh experience with John Boehners uhh has has been good. Uh

George Condon Follow-up:

So your confidence in him wasn’t shaken by him walking away from the big deal he said he wanted?

Big Guy Answer:

Ha ee ee ya know these things rr rr are a tough process. And and, look, in in in fairness, uhh uh a big deal would require uhh a lot of

Big Guy Answer:

April Ryan Question:

Mr. President, hi.  I want to revisit the issue of sacrifice.  In 2009, you said that -- expect the worst to come; we have not seen the worst yet.  And now with these budget cuts looming, you have minorities, the poor, the elderly, as well as people who are scared of losing jobs fearful.  And also, what say you about Congressman Chaka Fattah’s bill, the Debt Free America Act?  Do you support that bill?  Are you supporting the Republican bill that is similar to his, modeled after Congressman Fattah’s bill?

Big Guy Answer:

Well, uhm uh I I’m not going to comment on a paticalar bill right now. Le' me le' me speak to tha tha broader point that that you’re asking

Big Guy Closer:

Awright?  Thank you very much, everybody.

And here’s the video with Big Guy’s answers cut at the 140 character mark. We also cut out all of the press corpse questions, but you can read them in the transcript if you think it will help clarify the answers. We couldn’t truncate their questions as required by Twitter protocol because the First Amendment protects their right to say and write just about anything. Even Big Guy - so far - doesn’t have the authority to edit their questions. Censoring isn’t as much of an issue, as they pretty much take care of that on their own.

On second thought, maybe Twitter doesn’t really suit our needs after all. Although the good news is it did cut a 40 minute presser filled with no new information down to a nice compact 3 minutes of no new information.

And isn’t that what Twitter is all about any way?

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal, Thanks!

Give Peas a Chance

Here’s the take-away from yesterday’s presser: you can take the petulant child out of the teleprompter’s speech, butt you can’t take the petulant child out of the reader speaker.

Things got off to a good start, thanks to TOTUS’ carefully crafted remarks, butt then Big Guy took questions from 6 reporters for the remaining 36 minutes of our press conference. That’s an average of 6 minutes per question; too long to keep our unscripted petulant child completely at bay.

Case in point #1

"the debt ceiling should not be … used as a gun against the heads of the American people to extract tax breaks for corporate jet owners, for oil and gas companies that are making billions of dollars because the price of gasoline has gone up so high."

Plus, I see that later on we added a new villain to our “fat cat” category: “best selling authors,” right there next to jet owners and oil barons. Oh, oh! Watch out Tom Friedman!

Back on message:

…if we think it’s hard now, imagine how these guys are going to be thinking six months from now in the middle of election season where they’re all up.  It’s not going to get easier.  It’s going to get harder.  So we might as well do it now -- pull off the Band-Aid; eat our peas. Now is the time to do it.  If not now, when? 

Here Big Guy manages to get his point across while simultaneously channeling Popeye, Hillel the Elder, and Mitt Romney’s dad – all in one partial answer!  Butt while everyone focused on the “eat our peas” part of this answer, they missed the really fun part: “imagine how these guys are going to be thinking six months from now in the middle of election season where they’re all up.” When they’re all up? Hee hee. Let’s see, who else is up for re-election in another six months? Assuming we get re-nominated that is.

I'd rather be talking about stuff that everybody welcomes -- like new programs or the NFL season getting resolved.  Unfortunately, this is what's on our plate.

Anything butt peas!

It’s starting to look like a plateful of peas. And we all know Big Guy doesn’t like to eat his peas.

Then we move on to a concise summary of Big Guy’s economic philosophy:

And I do not want, and I will not accept, a deal in which I am asked to do nothing, in fact, I’m able to keep hundreds of thousands of dollars in additional income that I don’t need, while a parent out there who is struggling to figure out how to send their kid to college suddenly finds that they’ve got a couple thousand dollars less in grants or student loans.

“Spread the wealth around.” It’s not like he didn’t tell us about his collectivist feelings before the election. That’s how JTP (Joe the Plumber) became Joe the Plumber.

And Tom Friedman will be relieved to know that the “best selling author” Big Guy was talking about was – himself!  Although, since Bill Ayers wrote Big Guy’s best seller, I suspect we’ll be expecting him to pay the additional taxes as well. And Tom, you’re going to be called on to spread your wealth around too. It’s for a good cause: in order to keep that hot, crowded earth of yours flat.

I understand that an overnight poll has indicated that most Americans feel as though they’ve been eating way too many peas for the past 2 1/2 years and they don’t want any more. In fact, a lot of them are starting to ask “Where’s the beef?”

Not to worry. Lady M’s located it. At the Shake Shack:

Along with the fries:

And the shakes:

Throw in a zero-calorie diet Pepsi to bring the “occasional splurge” to a nice, round 1700 calorie “treat.”

“It’s about moderation!”

I know we’re going to catch flak over this very public burger spree. I told her she should do takeout. That way she could have had a Guinness chaser instead of a diet Pepsi.

That would add only 170 calories so we could round up the total calorie count to 1900 and call it a day.

Butt no need to panic. I think our PR people have come up with a solution to the “hypocrite” charge that racist tea party zealots are starting to lob around the intertubes. Knowing Lady M’s self-confessed weakness for French fries, we’re going to have our Food Police force incent the Jolly Green Giant to reintroduce a short-lived, ahead-of-its-time vegetable product: the “I hate vegetables” line:

I even located a copy of one of the original boxes on my hard drive from the 1972 Smithsonian file. It’s pure genius: take your freeze-dried powdered vegetables (peas, carrots, spinach, beets or corn) mix them up with dried potato flakes, rehydrate, press the mixture through a French fry die-cut extruder, deep fry and Voila! Vegetable French Fries! Everybody wins! It’s like the deficit reduction-debt ceiling deal Big Guy and John Boehner are working on: it’s going to look like a deficit reduction in return for an increase in the debt ceiling, butt it’s really going to be… peas! (in the form of a tax increase – pure genius)

“These make great French fries too!”

Problem solved. We present the illusion of wholesome goodness while continuing to enjoy the greasy crunchiness of fried food: win, win! Sounds like passive aggression to me.

Burger and fry snack, before our photo ban on burgers and fries went into effect

Yes, definitely passive aggression.

Is it possible that all of America’s worst problems result from … Obama’s passive-aggressive desire to punish us into economic submission?

That’s certainly within the realm of possibility. 

I reflect, you decide.

“Eat Your Vegetables” H/T Mrs. P

BE SURE TO CHECK IN LATER TODAY FOR A SPECIAL CUT FROM YESTERDAY’S PRESSER. A MOTUS EXCLUSIVE!

Linked By: Gerard @ American Digest, Thanks!

MOTUS Gets Mail: Special Big White Edition

Remarks of President Barack Obama
Weekly Address
July 9, 2011
Washington, DC

President Obama calls on both parties to come together to find a balanced approach to deficit reduction that lets us live within our means without hurting investments our economy needs to grow and create jobs.

Is it just me, or does this sound like a summer re-run to you too? I could have sworn Big Guy delivered this exact same weekly radio address a few months ago. And then again, a few weeks back. I think in politics that’s what’s known as staying on message.

And that’s why we “cancelled” our vacay to Montana - in order to “stay of message” regarding fiscal responsibility. And to meet with Congressional  leaders for 75 minutes on Sunday night. For some photo ops.

5 people meet to discuss serious issues.

No one wants to be on the wrong side of the table (the one without a camera lens pointing their way)

Butt I don’t think we’re making much progress. Big Guy says he won’t take “no” for an answer, and Harry says the R-words won’t take “yes” for an answer. Sounds like ‘heads I win and tails, you lose’ situation. For both sides. What fun!

Taxes seem to be a sticking point. Big Guy wants more of them from the filthy rich, and will explain why, yet again to you numbskulls, in a presser at 11:00.  Don’t worry this is still just the courtship. The wedding isn’t until July 22, or August 2. Or some future date mutually agreed on. And since neither the bride or groom is the least bit interested in sending their gifts back, expect to see a sham of a wedding ceremony.

Oh wait! We invited more people! There’s Tiny Tim!

I’m just glad everyone went home last night because I was afraid Big Guy was going to pull an all-nighter like he used to in college (sans the doobies of course). But apparently there weren’t enough munchies stocked in the Big White’s healthy, organic, locally grown food pantry. Lady M beat him to the strategic reserve of sugary, salty snacks. That may be the real reason everyone went home early... for dinner.

Anyway, since Lady M is squirrelled away in her burrow, I decided to catch up on my email.

As you know, I haven’t had a chance to break out the MOTUS mailbag for quite awhile.  Butt today my pal Abby (you may know her: she writes advice columns for Liberals who can’t figure out what to do?) forwarded an email she received last week that she thought my readers might enjoy. And she thought even Big Guy may be able to learn something from it.

Dear Abby,

 
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's hanging with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

 
It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

 
Signed, Lost in DC 

  To which Abby responded:

Dear Lost:

 
Stop whining, Michelle. You get to live in the White House for free, eat like a Queen, run your vanity/fantasy “No Child’s Fat Behind” program and travel the world on our dime.

You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the son of a bitch for the next year and a half! 

Signed, Abby

Well, if your husband had saved “about a billion jobs” and created a couple dozen, you could afford to live large too.

Just too bad all billion of those jobs are in China.

H/T GABPANTHER

Larwyn’s Linx on DougRoss@Journal, Thanks!