Obama Checks In: WINNING!

"The clock is ticking; time is running out,"  Big Guy told the room packed full of journ-o-lists yesterday before stalking out in a huff.

Who’s writing the scenes these days? They must be on Big Guy’s team, because they keep handing him the proverbial white hat to wear.

The House refuses to “Pass this Bill Now!” so they look like the the Grinch while Big Guy ends up looking  like the good guy –even though he traded his white hat in for a black one,

           

in order to ride out of town on his high horse.

Yo! Which way you going bro?

Seriously, the R-words don’t really need Big Guy’s goons. They beat themselves up. I think John Boehner might as well go home to cry, because it sure doesn’t look like he’s got what it takes to pull out a plumb.

So, all’s right with the world again. Big Guy’s numbers are up, thanks to the WaPo oversampling Dems (just their little Winter Holiday gift to BO) and joblessness is down because gazillions of you just gave up and stopped looking for a job (thanks everybody!). All of which allows Big Guy to do what he likes to do best: throw one of his finger-pointing snit fits in Jay-Jay’s cave in front of the cameras, take no questions and then stalk out in his perfectly creased pants and freshly shined shoes. He never gets tired of that, although he prefers it when everyone applauds.

Never mind that the Senate bill was fraught with all sorts of ill-will towards men; all that counts is how the news is covered. And with Big Guy’s Senate plan, middle class taxes wouldn’t have expired for a whopping, additional 60 days! On that front the current score is: Big Guy 1 Republicans 0. Just what we wished for.

WINNING!

Actually, there aren’t any real winners here, butt seriously R-words, if you’re going to play this game, for heavens sake, learn the rules. Because if there’s one thing your loyal opposition knows, it’s the rules, and how to use them to their advantage. So let’s make this a fair food fight so WINNING means something again. Besides, you’re making life tough for little people everywhere.

Anyway, it’s (Christmas) week, and we need a little cheer. So here’s a feel good story: not only is the healthy school lunches initiative failing miserably, butt Lady M’s new food plate replacement for the old food pyramid seems to be a complete bust as well.

"How can this be good news, MOTUS?" you may be asking yourself.

Well, for one thing, it means we have to go back to the drawing board:

And maybe we can put some of that attractive cellulite that we’ve lost - due to all the stress of sacrificin’ for the American people - back where it belongs.

And from an economic perspective, having to develop another brand new food icon will create or save hundreds if not thousands of jobs.

Imitation: the most sincere form of flattery

And Washington is just full of imitation.

Linked By: Best Snark Here on Weasel Zippers, Thanks!

Return of the Grinch

There have been comments regarding Lady M “laying low” since she landed Air Force Won Too here on the Big Island. Some have gone as far as to speculate that she’s embarrassed by the $4 million price tag attached to the family’s holiday.

Nothing could be further from the truth! It’s just our way of showing confidence in Big Guy’s ability to get the American economy out of the ditch that the Republicans drove it into - and now want to keep it in for political purposes.

In fact, she’s just taking the opportunity to get “spruced” up a bit for her annual beach foray, and - of course - for Big Guy’s historic arrival.

So far she’s been following the Daily Mail’s advice in order to look her best for all of the holiday festivities we have lined up:

GET A WRAP: The Universal Contour Wrap is a mummifying mud treatment that’s a tried-and-tested favourite for quick, all-over weight loss.

You’re wrapped in bandages that minimise water retention and the makers say you are guaranteed to lose up to six inches where it matters after just one 60‑minute treatment or your money back. 

 

Well, that’s a wrap, butt possibly not the area “where it matters” most, if you know what I mean:

 

   

GET A MASSAGE: Elemis’s Fennel Cleansing Cellulite and Colon Therapy has an abdominal massage that works wonders in reducing fluid retention, while the fennel and birch all-over body mask, combined with drainage massage technique, smooths the appearance of cellulite and boosts circulation.

 

        

Or you can buy one of these patented Alaia tummy massage belts that does all the work for you: Hurry, while supply lasts!

 

CURB CARBS, SALT AND DAIRY:  Follow the lead of Jennifer Aniston and Liz Hurley and avoid carbs, salt and dairy on the day of a big party.

 

  Does ice cream have any carbs in it? Or dairy?

 

EAT STRATEGICALLY: For breakfast, have some watermelon and for lunch and dinner a small amount of chicken with vegetables or salad. The water in the fruit and vegetables will fill you up. But avoid sprouts, which can leave you bloated. If want a snack, try a spoonful of almond butter.

 

Organic veggies are good, butt none of the cruciferous ones, as they cause {{{gas}}}

Sorry Little Mo, no broccoli before hitting the beach

AVOID GUM: As you chew gum, you swallow air, which causes bloating and belly expansion. Even sugar-free gum contains sweeteners which are thought to make you retain water.

Also, according to some dermatologists, the repetitive movements of chewing build  up your jaw muscles, so your face  looks wider.

If you smoke, stop for the day — swallowed or gulped air is the biggest single cause of bloating.

Got that: swallowing air = bloating. Not good with foil frocks.

 

GET UP AND GO WALKING: After each meal, go for a brisk walk for at least five minutes. Moving your body helps release air that has been trapped in your digestive system.

“Air trapped in your digestive system?” EEEUUU! I KNOW what that means!!!!! “What goes down, must come out.”

Stand clear!

ONLY DRINK STILL WATER: Avoid caffeine, alcohol and fruit juices — their high acid content can irritate your gastro-intestinal tract, causing swelling. Fizzy drinks bubbles distend your tummy.

Is there any still water in red wine? Or Alcohol?

 

GET A TAN: Stars such as Jennifer Lopez count on looking 5lb thinner by getting a spray-tan. If you’re baring your legs in a dress, try extra misting on the inner and outer legs to make them look narrower.

 

Hello! Spray Tan? We practically invented the color “toast” for cripes sake. And leg misting? You’re joking, right?

 

Shoes, legs and chair - all polished and gold leafed.       h/t Cripes Suzette

 

ENHANCE YOUR FEATURES: Use a cream bronzer under your jawline and cheekbones to make your face look more angular. Pulling your hair up into a high ponytail or a half up-do will create height and make your face look slimmer. 

 

        

Fake it until you can afford to “make it” with the right $15,000 a day make-up artist

 

                      

        At that price they can even take care of that “little-eye" thing

 

GET THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR: Control underwear is a girl’s best friend in the party season — it can transform your limbs from lumpy and bumpy to smooth and sleek. Pick the item which targets your problem area, be it lifting your bottom, flattening your stomach, slimming hips or defining your waist.

 

          

Remember: Industrial Strength Containment Systems are your friend 

 

STAND UP STRAIGHT: The quickest way to look like you have dropped a dress size is to stop slouching. Stand tall, with your shoulders pulled back and down, and imagine a string is at the top of your head, pulling you upwards.

 

Do as I say little girl, not as I do.

 

What’s that damn string supposed to be attached to again?

So in the spirit of the unspecified Winter Holiday we’re here to celebrate, I can report that things are going swimmingly. We’re getting in the best shape of our life by following all of the Mail’s helpful tips. And Lady M would just like to “wrap it up” by joining the Grinch in saying to all of the little people out there who still believe in Santa Claus: “Bah Humbug”

h/t LookingSpoon via Gerard Vanderleun

                 

OK, that’s a wrap.

Linked By: Moonbattery, and SondraK, and Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and by GOP_U_BET & Attercliffe on Lucianne.com, Thanks!

Shore-leave Cancelled Until Compromising Improves

Big Guy and Lady M did a sit-down with Barbara Walters before the Unspecified Winter Holiday trip to Hawaii:

They both seem disappointed to hear that Babs will be retiring next year (yes, it’s true, regardless of what ABC says: she’s like what, 100 now?). Oh well, Katie and Dianne will have to step up to the plate to toss around the soft balls. Past performance would indicate they’re both ready.

Babs isn’t exactly Dr. Phil, butt Big Guy took the opportunity to share a few of his frustrations anyway:

"But I do think that right now at least, in the Republican Party there are a couple of notions. Number one is that compromise is a dirty word. Number two, anything that Obama's for, we're against."

 

That’s right boys, he just called you out as racists.

"If I propose a health care bill that is full of Republican ideas -- in fact, is very similar to the law that was passed by the current Republican front runner, or one of the top frontrunners ? the other guy was supportive of many of the ideas as well -- suddenly, they become against it," he said.

 

Racists! And I know what you’re doing to Ricky too!

Perhaps I’m just not in the proper holiday frame of mind because of all the orchids and palm trees around here, butt that sounds a bit – what’s the word I’m looking for? – peevish? Petulant? Whiny? Not to mention premeditated, calculated and affected?  If I were Big Guy I would add a few new political strategists, writers and public relations professionals to my unspecified Winter Holiday gift-wish list. I think our upcoming WTF rock tour could use a few new little elves.

In the mean time, we’ll all be on pins and needles, waiting to see what obstructionist measure racist John Boehner is going to throw at our 2 month going-on-vacation middle-class tax break bill. Talk about a House full of Grinches, looking to spoil everyone’s vacay. They wouldn’t know a good compromise if it bit them in the arse.

Why can’t we all get into the spirit of the season and agree to a nice, simple compromise like we did with Obamacare?

Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an admission of defeat. Strong men don't compromise, it is said, and principles should never be compromised. Andrew Carnegie –butt what would he know, being part of the 1% that made America what it is?

I just hope Obamacare doesn’t meet the same resistance that Lady M’s signature program, Healthy School Lunches, is running into. It seems that the very people that her program is designed to benefit the most are acting stupidly. We’re apparently experiencing a little push back on that front:

There's just one problem: Many of the meals are being rejected en masse. Participation in the school lunch program has dropped by thousands of students. Principals report massive waste, with unopened milk cartons and uneaten entrees being thrown away. Students are ditching lunch, and some say they're suffering from headaches, stomach pains and even anemia. At many campuses, an underground market for chips, candy, fast-food burgers and other taboo fare is thriving.

Ingrates. Obstructionists. All these kids do is resist, complain and hamper our good intentions. They sound like Republicans. Or racists.

…students complained about mold on noodles, undercooked meat and hard rice.
Frida Duarte, 16, said her burger was "pretty good" and her friends liked the hot chicken wings. The rest? "Like dog food," said Christian Campus, 14.

Goodness! What’s a SEIU-run kitchen to do?

Acknowledging the complaints, L.A. Unified's food services director, Dennis Barrett, announced this month that the menu would be revised. Hamburgers will be offered daily. Some of the more exotic dishes are out, including the beef jambalaya, vegetable curry, pad Thai, lentil and brown rice cutlets, and quinoa and black-eyed pea salads. And the Caribbean meatball sauce will be changed to the more familiar teriyaki flavor.

Lentil and brown rice cakes – eeeuuu! They do look like dog food.

Lady M is going to be very unhappy when she hears about this.

And I suspect Big Guy isn’t going to be much happier if Obamacare meets a similar fate.

Don’t snap my head off: I’m just reporting the facts. If you want news, tune into the MSM.

This is an exhibition, not a competition: no wagering please.

Well, we’re getting closer to the time when Big Guy can start packin’ and join the family in Hawaii. That will be good, because whenever he’s in the Big White by himself (more or less) there’s still the temptation to pull the cigarettes (regular and hand rolled) out of the back of the drawer and toke a few doobies. He’s especially susceptible when Congress acts stupidly.

Now that Big Guy has voiced his approval for the Senate version of the bill with the XL provision that he said he’d veto, before he said he wouldn’t veto it, the House is making noises about NOT approving the Senate’s version!

How does Big Guy manage to grab victory from the jaws of defeat, when the Republicans can only run the reverse?

Don’t worry, they will - pass the bill now, that is. They all want to go home for Christmas Unspecified Winter Holiday too. Butt seriously: is it any wonder nearly everyone in America wants a new Congress for Christmas Unspecified Winter Holiday?

On everyone’s Wish List this year

“it would be inexcusable for Congress not to further extend this middle-class tax cut for the rest of the year. It should be a formality, and hopefully it’s done with as little drama as possible when they get back in January.”

Not bad, not bad for  “no-drama Obama.” If Congress’ Super Committee can’t get it done, Big Guy will.

       

Butt enough about politics. Did you see our last magazine spread for the year? (on news stands NOW!)

We’re all coordinated in our burgundy collars

No really – that is Big Guy and Lady M! I know - they both look like cardboard cutouts that have been photoshopped in next to Little Bo, butt that’s them. Rested, relaxed and ready to go on vacation. You can tell it’s really MO because of the signature wrinkles across the cargo containment systems.

Here are just a few interesting tidbits in the People interview:

• The Wee Wons,’ on not being allowed on Facebook: "Why would we want to have a whole bunch of people who we don't know knowing our business? That doesn't make much sense." They have more sense than their parental units some times. I wish we could convince Smootie and Messina that that’s how most people feel.
• Big Guy’s must see TeeVee shows: Modern Family, Boardwalk Empire, Homeland and, naturally, unspecified “sports.” I have no idea how he finds time to watch that much TeeVee, I barely have time to catch Chris Matthews and Rachel Madcow. Except for the sports I don’t really know what to make of Big Guy’s eclectic list of faves: unconventional families, Mob activities, Manchurian mooselim double agents.  It’s not as though it’s a window into his soul or anything. The sports I totally get: because for Big Guy, when life isn’t an exhibition:

it’s a competition.

WINNING!

Because with Big Guy, it’s always about winning.

 Big Guy and TOTUS announce our WTF campaign slogan

I don’t know if I should mention this, butt I think Big Guy might have stolen that priceless idea from another big guy.

As usual, I report, you deride.

Seriously?

Where do these eggheads get their inspiration?

(Here’s a little hint)

Linked By: American Digest, and Attercliffe on Lucianne.com, Thanks!