Molsterman Report # 5: Analyzing Future Dem HOPEfuls

NOTE:  This is part of a continuing series of exclusive, clandestine, interviews with my mole (“Deep Quote” aka, “Molsterman,” secretly “Little Mo” to the MOTUS community) over at the Department of Justice.

I recently sat down again with Molsterman, who is still under deep cover at NSA, to talk about the 2016 Democratic hopefuls, and a little about the Healthcare.gov fiasco.

 

MOTUS: Thanks for coming over to give me your analysis of the potential Democratic Presidential nominees. I’m also curious as to what you’ve “unearthed”  for us regarding the Healthcare.gov fiasco.

 

Molsterman: Very funny. Now stop that! You’ll blow my cover. And you know I can’t talk about the Obamacare heist – too sensitive right now, got to file it with the rest of the phony scandals for the time being. But I can tell you what I know about the Dems 2016 contenders.

MOTUS: You’re a long time Beltway operative, so I’m sure your experience gives you some unique perspectives on the candidates.

Molsterman: Sure. I’ve been in this game a long time, I might be tempted to say “I’ve seen it all,” but there’s always a twist. Something nobody could see coming. There aren’t any microphones or cameras in here are there?

Math is Hard: Remind Me Again, How Many Zeroes in a Trillion?

Big Guy visited Brooklyn yesterday and told kids at Pathways In Technology Early College High School that (the Republicans) in Congress need to take a remedial math class;

12 + 7, uh…okay, no, no - don’t tell me! I’ve got that one here, somewhere.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Now, some of these ideas I’ve laid out before. Some of them I’m just going ahead and doing on my own. Some of them do require Congress to do something. And one way we can start is by Congress passing a budget that reflects our need to invest in our young people. I know the budgets aren’t the most interesting topic for a Friday afternoon, even in a school where young people like math. And, by the way, I just sat in on a lesson called Real World Math, which got me thinking whether it’s too late to send Congress here, for a remedial course.

Although he is always the smartest man in the room,

The competition isn’t what it used to be

even Bo will admit that math is not his strong suit. Butt he’s so smart, he doesn’t even need math to noodle through problems.

Breaking: Squirrel Eats Oreo, Blows Dog Whistle!

RACIST ALERT! GOP leader Pete Sessions (R-Texas) disses El Presidente, right in the White House! Right to his face! Just because he’s BLACK!

Oh look! A squirrel! And an Oreo!

Well, for a minute there it looked like we had found that racist new squirrel we’ve been looking for. Sadly, it turned out that the allegation was…unsustainable. Okay, maybe it was a lie, butt nice try!

The latest Washington “he-said-she-said” is so convoluted you’ll get whiplash trying to follow along, so allow me to attempt to lay it out flat.

Obamacare: We’re Committed to Better Mistakes Tomorrow

“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.” – P.J. O’Rourke

Okay, that used to be funny. Before it was hijacked by the Teahadists and used to hold hostages and make ransom demands.

Butt now I see that sticker shock is starting to stun people all across America, even journalists:

The “Nobody Knows Nuttin’” Defense

That’s right. Nobody knows nuttin’ about the Obamcare fiasco. That’s usually what happens when everyone’s in charge butt nobody’s responsible.

Big Guy was given the royal mushroom treatment; which is fine because he’s more of a big picture guy anyway.

Speaking to CNN, Kathleen Sebelius, the country's Health and Human Services Secretary, said Mr Obama first learned of them 'the first couple of days after' the site went live on October 1.

When asked if he knew of any of the website's problems before that, she replied: 'No, sir.'

KITD – FS

Kathypotomous herself was unaware of the the program “glitches” because she is more of an oversight person than a detail gal. And so she just closed her eyes, clicked her ruby red heels together and HOPED it would work.

Obamacare: on Cue, to the Rescue

I know what you’re thinking: it’s the perfect allegory, right?

Woman falls ill, “Big Healthcare.Gov” is there to catch her as she’s falling. Oh, and BTW, her name is “Karmel” – how perfect is that!!

Not too dark, not too light: just right!

A little too perfect, say the usual critics (Tea Party Anarchists). They’re off, spinning their usual, unfounded, conspiracy theories. You know how they plot their little scenarios by now: they’ll claim that BO’s Big Brains and otherwise useful idiots advisors wrote the fake faint right into the script so Barry can come to her aid.

As they say, just because it’s a conspiracy theory doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Here’s the inside scoop, butt don’t tell any bloggers or talking heads on the radio, they’ll try to make it sound so, uh, so…dishonest.

Know When to Hold Em’, Know When to Fold Em’

Code Blue!

The Big Brains are calling in the big guns (can I say that?) to address this grave situation. As you know, Obamacare was on life support throughout the government shutdown and now it appears to have officially gone into cardiac arrest. The cause has been diagnosed as an untreated pre-existing condition. The situation never would have reached crisis mode if it had been addressed early on; butt like I said, we didn’t have any insurance thanks to the heartless, racist Republicans who’ve been hoping that we fail right from the get-go. So it’s all their fault.

Anyway, Big Guy will be announcing our new emergency strategy in the Rose Garden today.  Apparently we’re implementing a “tech surge” (translation: panic on the Potomac) in order to save the Obamacare system and WTF (“Win The Future”). Normally we don’t like to do troop surges, butt this is important: Obamacare’s going down.

We’re abandoning the bronze level programmers who’ve been working around the clock for 2 whole weeks now (!) in favor of an elite, platinum squad.

We don’t require a full 100% (it is still government work, after all), butt apparently 60% isn’t good enough for flyover America anymore. So, we skipped over the (good-enough) Silver and Gold level programmers and went for Platinum. Since this has turned into a life and death issue, “We Can’t Wait!” 

One of Alinsky’s Rules: “Right Back Atcha”

I’m launching an new education forum to discuss/analyze the proper use of Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals.

Today we’re tackling Rule Four: “Make the enemy live up to their book of rules.” Specifically, we’ll be exploring one of Rule Four’s corollaries: “Turn your opponent’s words against them.”

Me too! You’re talking about Progs, right?

Remember it’s always best to provide illustrations of your corollary if you can:

as well as annotated text, where possible:

I like it when people who were wrong about trickle up economics (e.g. unemployment is our the best economic stimulator), Obama’s unprecedented 4-year running trillion dollar budget deficits, the need to impeach Bush, giving guns to Mexican drug cartels, the Taliban and the Brotherhood, Egyptians electing a “moderate” Muslim Brotherhood president, having unemployment counted off the books (i.e., taken out of the labor force) while increasing taxes on the rich (and anyone else who still pays taxes), Sarah Palin (and Obama too, for that matter), & Obama’s citizenship (he’s really more a citizen of the world) tell me to believe their theories about Obamacare.

WWW.TURNABLINDEYEDEMOCRATS.COM

For the record, actor, comedian John Fugelsang - best known for hosting America’s Funniest Home Videos and as a VJ on Vh1 – now lists “political activist” in his credentials as well. Although, in the time of Obama, that’s redundant.

We can’t afford  your therapy either, John. Go buy some Obamacare.

Please discuss amongst yourselves, as MOTUS has to be away all day.

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network