Pre-Season Tryouts For the Next Kardashian Presidency

With no official appearances scheduled, Obama is expected to fill his days with leisurely rounds of golf, beach outings, bike rides, and hikes with his wife and daughters, and dinner with their friends at some of the island’s top restaurants. – Boston Globe

While playing golf with Larry David yesterday, The leader of the free world was unable to curb his enthusiasm.

So with the free world in good hands (if anything comes up, like WWIII, Val Jar and Susan Rice are on hand to take charge) let’s turn our attention to the loyal opposition. Specifically, the GOP Pre-Season Tryouts.

As everyone who ever played football knows, this is the time of year coaches schedule two-a-day practices and start pre-season tryouts. Some who show up for tryouts perform well and make the varsity team; others, who don’t have what it takes, are demoted to the JV team or cut straight away. I think that’s a fine tradition that we should apply to the GOP Teams; they could stand a little culling. So let’s give it a go:

 

As always, voting is conducted according to Chicago Rules: vote as often as you wish, for as many candidates as you wish. No ID is required. U.S.citizenship is preferred, butt certainly not required. Voting will remain open until 11:59 EDT, August 9. 2015.

And when you’re done, put your tight big boy pants on and get out there to work on your handicap. Because we still have to beat our cross-town rival. And I hear they’re already planning their homecoming party.

Dear God, please don’t make us endure a second Kardashian presidency. Amen.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

#HostageOnTheVineyard

The President, First Lady Michelle Obama, and daughter Sasha departed from Andrews Air Force Base aboard Air Force One just before 5 p.m. National Security Advisor Susan Rice and senior advisor Valerie Jarrett are traveling with the family, as are the Obama family pets, Portuguese water dogs Bo and Sunny. - Politico

 

“SOS.  PU* hijacking me to the Vineyard!”

 

“PU* posing B4 takeoff”

“Being held captive here for 17 days SRSLY!**”  #GMOH!*** 

“This is where I’m being held. Send ransom.” #BringBackOurGirls

Maybe the cute SS guy will help me tunnel too the mainland. Send money for bribe. #HostageOnTheVineyard

Note: Wee Won One is still at large. She was last spotted working as a prop girl for Lena Dunham’s “The Girls” and is expected to be apprehended and returned to the compound soon. #BringBackOurGirls

*     Parental Units

**   Seriously

*** Get Me Outa’ Here

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Some Random Thoughts On the First GOP Debate(s)

Yes, I sat through both the JV and the Varsity games.

• On a stage where Trump was a shoo-in for the “funkiest hair in the room” award, Rand Paul gave him a good fight. Third runner up, Chris Christie – working on a Superman curly cue, or something.

• The Donald was right: debate is definitely not his strong suit. Although he did prove that being blunt for the sake of being blunt has limited usefulness.
• Best closing statement, hands down: Ben Carson

“I haven’t said anything about me being the only one to do anything, so let’s try that.” Carson –said. “I’m the only one to separate Siamese twins. The only one to operate on babies while they were still in their mother’s womb. The only one to take out half of a brain, although you would think if you went to Washington that someone had beat me to it.”

• Second best closing statement: Mike Huckabee

“It seems like this election has been a whole lot on a person who has been very high in the polls, who doesn’t have a clue about how to govern, a person who has been filled with scandals and could not lead,” Huckabee said. “And of course, I’m talking about Hillary Clinton.”

• Best non-closing one-liner: Marco Rubio

“God has blessed the Republican party with many fine candidates. The Democrats can’t find even one.”

• Best non-closing one liner runner up: Scott Walker

“...it’s sad to think right now, but probably the Russian and Chinese government[s] know more about Hillary Clinton’s email server than do the members of the United States Congress...”

• Best random story, also Ben Carson:

“You know, I was asked once by an NPR reporter why I don't talk about race that often and I said it's because I'm a neurosurgeon.”

• Most Presidential looking on stage: Jeb Bush. Butt how’d that work out for you last time America voted for the guy with the best creased pant leg? On further reflection, I’d give the “most presidential” designation to Carly Fiorina.
• Strong and steady award - Tie: Ted Cruz and Scott Walker
• Best break out by a dark horse (can I say that?) candidate: Carly Fiorina. Everything The Donald claims to be without the bombast.
• Average amount of popcorn consumed during the non-dinner hour Republican debate: 2 quarts, or more.

• Ditto on average tea trolley consumption.
• Worst post-debate nightmare: The 2016 Presidential contest comes down to a choice between “Just Joe being Joe” and just The Donald being The Donald.

          

So, who won the debate? Who cares, as long as there was plenty of butter on the popcorn.

Linked By: American Digest, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Making Common Cause; One Way To Lose Those Walkin’ Blues

“Beyoncé could not be a better role model for my girls because she carries herself with such class and poise and has so much talent,” said Michelle in 2012.

What Mom wouldn’t want her daughters to do the “slut drop” like Beyoncé?

And why not? Beyoncé is everything you’d want in a role model: she’s Black, and she’s rich. Did I mention she was rich?

She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

 

Beyoncé's new $312,000 diamond-encrusted stilettoes from the House of Borgezie

She’s so rich in fact that even Lady M wants to be Beyoncé – ha ha! No. Just no.

Butt a girl can dream, can’t he? 

 

And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes

And I could say oo oo oo
As if everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds

People say I'm crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that's one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes

He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

 

The Evolution of Presidential Dancing: Empty Shoes, Empty Suit, Empty Chair. The rest is history.

And speaking of dancing, don’t forget to make the pop corn and roll out the tea trolley ahead of the great GOP sock hop tonight. Should be interesting to see how many of the candidates will take “common cause” with the “hardliners in Iran.”

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

We’re All Bozos on This Bus, or “Orange is the New Black”

Here’s one reason Republicans complain about lack of leadership in their party. John Boehner explains his ambitions on Golf TV:

“I want to be head Bozo”

Some people were pushing me to run for the Senate. I decided I didn’t want to do that, and I made a decision that the rest of my career was gonna be in the US House. So the team said to me, “All right, well, the rest of your career’s gonna be in the House. What’s your goal?” I didn’t know! So I said, “Well, if you don’t shoot for the top (snickers), why shoot for anything?” So I set my goal to be speaker.”

Your goal in the House of Representatives was to be speaker? Remember when politicians used to have goals that involved their constituents? Or their party’s platform? Or at least they were smart enough to pretend their goals involved their constituents and party platform? More often than not these days, Democrats and Republicans alike are in it for what it means for them, not us.

Which explains why The Boner yearns for the days before talk radio and multiple news channels started to get into his kitchen:

Twenty years ago when, uh, we won the first Republican majority in 40 years, there was one radio talk show host that nobody'd ever heard of.  Uh, there was one cable news channel that just did news.  And you look at today, you've got hundreds of radio talk show hosts all trying to outdo themselves, right -- going further right and further right and further right. Uh, you've got all these cable news channels, and all they do are politics, and it's tending to either push or pull people into one of two camps.

Things were just better back then, when you could pretend to be a Republican and nobody ever questioned it.

It’s not surprising then that the GOP can’t muster enough support to defund Planned Parenthood. Speaker Boehner is still too busy crying about the fact that he can’t play golf with Big Guy anymore because everyone will wonder what they’re cooking up; and it’s better nobody knows.

So If I go down to see President Obama, the right begins to wonder what I'm up to; the left begins to wonder what the president's up to.  The president's suggested, "Hey, you think it's too much trouble if we play golf again?" (snickers)  And I have to look at him and say, "Yes!"

So next time the Boner whimpers, ask not for whom the Boner cries, he cries for himself. Always, and only.

 “Orange is the New Black”

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Happy Birthday Barry

Happy Birthday Barry! Just 54 and you already have a legacy unlike any other American president in history! And I see you gave yourself a birthday present yesterday, with the swipe of your pen.

Barry’s Big New Dump Trucks

Finally, the end of the dirty coal era! If only your Mommy had let you play with trucks like other little boys, we might not be dealing with this now.

Oh well, it is what it is, as they say. Anyway, I made you a special coal cupcake for your birthday.

I wouldn’t eat it though, I’m not sure where it’s carbon footprint has been.

 

You may see coal, butt all Barry sees is racism.

In other news, Scott Walker and Carly Fiorina spank their RINO rivals in the GOP “Sweet 16” Bracket Battle:

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

MOTUS 2016 GOP “Sweet 16” Battle: Brackets “E” & “G”

Our 2016 GOP Presidential Brackets Round 1 Battle continues as we winnow down the “Sweet 16.” Today’s battle pits Scott Walker against George Pataki in Bracket “E” (#EasyPic) and Jeb Bush against Carly Fiorina in Bracket “G” (#GoGirl)

If you missed the last battle, here’s the way it works: I generated my bracket matchups by starting with the results of the ABC/WaPo poll conducted July 16-19. I  then modified those results using Chicago Rules – or, as the lawyers say, I exercised “my will, whim and fancy” clause.  It’s the same clause  the  Supreme Court has  deemed to be part of the Executive Powers delineated in the Living Constitution.

So please join us in playing “ Viva El Presidente!” The game where Black Lives Matter, White Lives Matter, All Lives Matter; butt like your votes, some matter more than others.

Today we pick the winners in  Brackets "E” and “G and, as always, Chicago Rules are in effect. Feel free to vote as early, as often and for as many candidates as you wish. You do not need ID and while citizenship is recommended, it’s never required. Voting ends at 11:59 PM EDT, Monday August 3, 2015. Results will be posted tomorrow.

And please remember: This is an exhibition not a competition. No wagering please.

 

 

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Black Holes and Other Mathematical “Zeros”

I guess Barry didn’t have time to read my post yesterday about Global-Climate-Warming-Change being a hoax. Tomorrow he’s planning to go ahead and lower the boom on coal plants (just like he promised) with yet another historic stroke of his pen:

The EPA will require a 32% reduction in the emissions by 2030 from 2005 levels—a move the Obama administration describes as a “historic action” to combat climate change but one critics are likely to argue is both costly and untenable.

President Barack Obama will announce the regulations, the cornerstone of his environmental agenda, at a White House event Monday, where he will make the case that climate change is one of the most pressing challenges facing the country and that the U.S. must be a global leader on the issue.

Regulatory agencies! The answer to the do-nothing Congress!

Oh look! Another rabbit hole!

The regulations also seek to prevent the electricity industry from becoming more dependent on natural gas, which burns 50% fewer carbon emissions than coal but still twice as much as zero-emitting sources such as wind, solar and nuclear power. - WSJ

For sure; let’s replace coal and gas-fired power plants with more of these babies:

Carbon alert! Carbon alert! Call 911! Call 911!

Note that Big Guy will also be using tomorrow’s announcement to decree the mandatory adoption of new Common Core algebra principles as well; from now on  “two times” any “zero-emissions” will equal 50%.

Funny, I always thought “zero” was a black hole.

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network