I’m A Sponsor!!!

Thanks to DougRoss@Journal and Larwyn for allowing me to sponsor Larwyn’s Links today!!! And thanks too for all the links over the course of my historic coverage of the most historic presidency ever.

To borrow (sort of) a riff from the Legal In-sur-rec-tion : It’s just like being one of “Doug Ross’ Fabulous 50 Blog Award Winners” (which I am) only smaller. Now I’m BOTH!!!

You can always find Larwyn’s Links right over there in my sidebar, just below my coveted “Snark Hall of Fame” link. Click on Larwyn’s Links to read the news and BOYCOTT the New York Slimes.

Monday Morning Food Fight

What’s up with all the “celebrity” chefs flapping their jibs about Lady M’s no child’s fat behind program? Jamie Oliver has jumped on board, saying  he blamed America's food industry for making unhealthy food so available: “We'll go into any supermarket and there are 160 different kinds of cookies. I don't care how much ground up sea grass you eat or wheat germ -  as long as they are selling 160 different types of cookie what hope do you have?”

We’ve already had to watch this adorable little twit tear-up because the lunch ladies “'… don't understand me 'cause they don't know why I'm here.” 

 

Yes they do Jamie. They know you’re here to take the cookies off the shelf. You’re lucky all they did was make you cry.

And now, Rachael Ray  - the only lady on all of TV-land perkier than Katie Couric - is a registered lobbyist (or at least I assume her agent was smart enough to register her) railing against Big-Food. Is it too obvious of me to say “don’t bite the hand that feeds you?”  RR has more Big-Food endorsement deals than Kellogg’s has sugar coated cereals. Yet she’s yammering at Congress to give the Department of Agriculture  another $4.5 billion to “improve the healthy food options at schools.”

You have got to be kidding me. First of all, why does everyone think healthier necessarily means more expensive? Have you seen the price of Oscar Mayers lately? Besides, this is a whole lot simpler than Rache is making it sound. Big Guy likes to tell everyone – banks, insurance companies, auto companies – how to run their businesses. All he has to do is TELL Big-School what to feed the kid’s fat behinds. How much can that cost? I’m guessing (and my guess is as good as anyone’s) that it’s going to be less than a trillion dollars. And since we’re looking for ways to cut the deficit, maybe we could cut out school feedbag programs all together and just issue every mom and dad in America about 365 brown bags per kid and TELL them what they’re allowed to put in their kids lunch bag. (hint: do NOT send Jolly Ranchers, if you know what’s good for you.) Problem solved.

Any-hoo, back to Rache. That little happy faced wench who eats her way around the world is not a real nutritionist, she just plays one on Food TV. Although, I better be careful: Lady M isn’t a real nutritionist either. I wonder if that’s why both she and RR are a little on the *ahem* other side of size 0.

  

Rache and Lady M have the same stylist and gun trainer!

 

But little RR really put it to the big guys and gals on Capital Hill, telling them: "Find the money now and get it done or you are going to be part of sinking our ship down the line,"  Wow! That’s pretty powerful rhetoric. Why does it seem that everyone in D.C. these days is wagging their finger and talkin’ down to us? Oh that’s right – because they are.

Finger Wavers Club:

I guess Congress loves it when celebrities come and tell them what to do. Especially the really smart ones, like Rache and Sean Penn, who mean well.

And around here, good intentions are even better than the real thing. Take, for example, Obamacare good intentions: all the cost, none of the coverage; or Stimulus good intentions: all the expenditures, none of the recovery; now we’ll have Government-Nutrition good intentions: all the subsidies, more fat behinds.

Pass me some of that EVOO – I’ve got a few palms I’d like to grease too.

Oh, and by the way; that OTHER Michelle (the imposter) has written a very un-nice article about Lady M’s  “Shed as I say, not as I gain” campaign. I’m not sure what her point is, other than trying to embarrass MO, but I thought you would appreciate a heads-up.

Yum-O!

Fashionista Rip Off-Updated

I totally don’t know what “The Costume Institute Ball at the Met” back on may 5th was all about. I just know we weren’t invited. And I must admit, that hurts a little, especially since this year’s theme was  "American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity:" I mean, we practically own that theme! But now that I’ve had a chance to review the pictures, I see why our invitation “got lost in the mail.”

For one thing, many of the women showed up in what were clearly ripoffs of Lady M’s own special sense of fashion icon-ary. See for yourself:

Charlotte Gainsbourg in Balenciaga, MO in Moshino

  

Emma Watson in Burbarry, MO in her Inaugural Icon-ary

 

Donatella Versace wearing Lady M’s Naeem Khan gown, with ribbons.

And by the way ladies, cosmetic surgery and Botox are not necessarily your friend, ladies. Do not let this raccoon/chipmunk look happen to you:

 

   

Prabul Gurung, with Hilary Rhoda in one of his designs, and his number one icon

 

  

Rachael Zoe in Marc Jacobs yellow drapery fabric, one  of Lady M’s all time faves

  

Christina Hendricks in L’Wren Scott: one of Lady M’s favorite sweater designers.

L’Wren really knows how to make the most of “the girls,” as do these fashionistas:

 

Rosaria Dawson Giambattista Valli: how to wear the “girls”

Janet Jackson, with grown up girls

 

Well, we’re still working on that. Let’s Moove them up!

UPDATE: L’Wren Scott Shoulder Accessory

I’m sure L’Wren had no idea how much controversy would be generated over the “accessory” worn on the shoulder of Christina Hendricks at the gala ball. Everyone is asking what is that?

Rumors and speculation ran rampant: dead animal, tumor, red leaf lettuce, mushroom, and on and on. One “fashion writer” even thought it was a cleverly disguised air pump, there to keep the “girls” full.

Well, I’ve downloaded all the red carpet footage to my hard drive and reviewed every security camera shot to get to the bottom of this for my MOLs and MODs. I for one was surprised when Christi’s little “accessory” woke up!!!

When Snarks Attack 6: The Winner

It’s in the history books now. Setting a modern day record with more than 5 million votes cast, the winner of the coveted Golden FLOTUS in When Snarks Attack: 6 is . . . “Gerard”!!!

Congratulations Gerard!!! You have won the fame and ovation of millions of MOLs and FOMs around the world and a permanent place in my Snark Hall of Fame.

Gerard’s winning snark "It's clear to me that as long as the editors of Capitol File have faces Nancy will have a place to sit." carried the day and achieved snark immortality.

The cherished Golden FLOTUS is now yours forever, to use and display as you wish.

It was a horse race right down to the wire. My team of ACORN vote counters were up all night. Moments ago Toes certified the results and offered his compliments to Gerard; “It was Chicago style machine politics at its best. He mobilized his base, provided the right mix of voter incentives and got out the vote.”

Congratulations to Janice; you went down swinging girl (I hope you’ll still get those air conditioners working when we get to hell). And congratulations to all the “runners up” and all my loyal, snarky FOMs and MOLs. You are all winners in my book, even if you don’t all get a statue.

For the record, the final vote count was certified by Toes after review of the audited results by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The results were as follows:

1. Gerard – 1,390,000
2. Janice – 1,160,00
3. srdem65 – 810,000
4. Moright – 290,000
5. MiaZagora – 280,000
6. Sine Qua Non – 270,000
7. PortiaElizabeth – 230,000
8. bettyann – 180,000
9. Cinderella – 170,000
10. Kathy N – 160,000
11. Madame DeFarge – 140,000
12. chiron – 90,000

In a special shout out to srdem and vereteno, we have received requests to immortalize your snarks “if it zips, it fits” and “we are on correct path comrades” from MOLs who would like to have “tea” mugs so inscribed. What do you think?

Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

 Lady M’s No Child’s Fat Behind Posse, announcing their findings

Lady M is really bringing the hammer down on the kids’ fat behinds. Her Posse report let Big Food and Beverage know that they’re not only going to have to stop hawking delicious, sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods on Saturday morning, but they also better stop in-store promotions of unhealthy food by popular cartoon characters. From now on, if you own the copyright for these characters, you will only be able to license their use for healthy fare. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.

And thank goodness the O’s are looking out for us: calorie counts on restaurant menus, lower salt content in everything, (Big kudos to Theresa Heinz Kerry for reducing the salt in her previously yummy ketchup, if you work on the corn syrup too we might be able to get you a future FLOTUS gig after all. Or at least a Vice-FLOTUS.) zero tolerance for trans-fats, increased fiber content. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a nursing home diet. Could the same diet possibly work as well for the Wee Wons as it does the wee-wee ones?

Anyway, there will be mandatory reporting of all the little children’s fat behinds BMI’s, so we can continue to justify our budget for fighting childhood obesity. Oh, and there will be junk food taxes. ‘Cuz we’re looking out for you.

All of which is why I think Big Guy is in big trouble for his little rendezvous with temptation in Buffalo yesterday. No, not the crazy desperate ex-housewife incident.

 Luann and Big Guy at Duff's Famous Wings in Buffalo

I’m talking about the chicken wing incident.

While Lady M and her posse were busy releasing 50 ways to leave your blubber, Big Guy was busy chowing down on Buffalo hot wings, and French fries!

Big Guy’s Big Bite

 

 

This is going to get ugly.

 

 

The School Nutrition Association, of course, supports the Posse’s report, saying: 

"The Task Force's report recognizes the many challenges school nutrition programs face as they provide healthy, nutritious school meals to students everyday and emphasizes the need to increase funds for school meal programs as they work to build on this success."

And here - you’ll get a kick out the posse’s recommendations. I’ll translate them for you as we go along:

 
- Increase resources for school meals, including increased reimbursement rates; (more money for SEIU and food processors who’ve kissed the ring and fat behind – i.e. supportive food processors)

 
- Update Federal nutrition standards for school meals and improving the nutritional quality of USDA commodities provided to schools; (So our supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)

 
- Update competitive food standards to meet the Dietary Guidelines for Americans; (So supportive food processors can charge more for their nutritious meals)

 
- Encourage schools to update cafeteria equipment to provide healthier foods in schools; (no more unhealthy deep fryers, kids!)

 
- Encourage USDA to work with community stakeholders to develop innovative ways to encourage students to make healthier choices; (that’s stake-holders, not steak holders. And supportive stakeholders will receive lucrative contracts and other perks to develop these innovative ways)

 
- Link school nutrition programs to local growers and farm-to-school programs; (Big Organic Farmers are now Big donors too)

- Encourage more schools to participate in the HealthierUS Schools Challenge;  (the more the merrier, and the bigger the better; more contract possibilities for supportive campaign contributors)

- Provide technical assistance to school nutrition programs to help create and provide healthy school meals (because we’ve still got about a zillion jobs to create or save before the next election).

Big Brother is looking out for you. Step away from the French Fries! 

 

Surprisingly, there are a lot of those pesky Tea Partiers who still think Lady M should just butt-out. Losers.

 

 

I suppose they want Big Guy to put his butts out too. What a bunch of busy bodies. And did I mention, losers?

Breaking News Headlines: Jupiter’s Missing Belt

As reported by MOTUS MOL Cherie yesterday, Jupiter is missing a belt.

Scientists noticed the missing belt almost immediately after Jupiter re-emerged from a 3 month journey behind the sun. Investigators are baffled and have little to work with, “We don’t know where the belt could have gone. Jupiter has the largest girth of all the planets, so it won’t be easy to hide that bad boy". At least we’ve got that going for us.” DEVELOPING

In other news today, First Lady Michelle Obama swore in the first brigade of Calorie Corpse volunteer Calorie Counters who will not only keep track of sugary beverage intake, but also monitor the BMI’s of all elementary school children’s fat behinds.

Lady M swearing in her Calorie Corpse in her new belt. It’s out of this world!

Just Spring it…

After Lady M’s last few clothes horse outings, where she wore a couple of refried Thakoons,

Cinco Thakoon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thakoon Surprise

 

…and a Moschino from the Cheap and Chic collection, (their term, not mine; I would’ve stopped after “cheap”)

Chintz on the cheap

…look what we finally managed to stuff ourselves into! Double strand  pearls, high neck, sleeves covering the guns, solid jewel tone, classically cut dress.

What’s up with this? Who is she trying to throw off their game? 

  Who’s next?

I think the National Military Family Association Summit that MO attended yesterday in Georgetown really appreciated the effort she took to look, uh, not clownish. I sure hope the positive feedback will be enough to keep this dressing-like-a-grownup streak going, because let’s face it, some of us could use a little break.

I would like to think she dressed normal just to make me happy, but the fact is, I think the dry cleaners got Lady M’s wardrobe mixed up with Smootie’s, who always dresses classy. “Dresses white” is the way Lady M puts it. Seriously, if you just toss a hat on MO’s head,

 

and I think we’d have ourselves a bona fide Jackie! 

It’s Spring: new growth, new life, hope springs eternal.

I think I need to knock off the allergy meds.

When Snarks Attack: 6

This is a special edition of my world famous Snark Attack Awards. What’s special about it you ask? Well today I am proud to announce the first ever, and only ever, “Minister of Snark” Award.

This special award is given to the MOL who, in the opinion me and millions of other MOLs who have emailed or tweeted me, has succinctly and completely captured the Obot mindset in the fewest words possible:

“We are on correct path comrades”

Yes, the “Minister of Snark” is awarded to “vereteno”!!!!!

Congratulations vereteno, your contribution to snarkdom has now been officially immortalized forever. The coveted Golden FLOTUS is yours to keep and do with as you wish. It will be, for all eternity, here in my “Snark Hall of Fame”. So snark on comrade vereteno, snark on.

And now on to the big Sixth edition of “When Snarks Attack”. As usual, April was a big month for snarks. Like the old saying goes: April snarks, bring May ... uh ... um ... ???

I feel like Big Guy when TOTUS goes blank. All I can think of that rhymes is “Karl Marx” and I don’t think that works.

My super-secret nominating committee had a particularly tough time getting down to 10 finalists. In fact, they didn’t get down to 10 finalists. So this month, I am featuring a special “Daily Dozen Edition” of “When Snarks Attack”.

So without further delay and in alphabetical order, I present the nominations for the Golden FLOTUS, When Snarks Attack-6.

When Snarks Attack-6 Nominees

April, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: “When Snarks Attack: 5”

Because, no matter what, a lady never EVER spills her ice.

2. chiron: “Hair Recovery Act of 2010”

I've heard of the Ruby Slippers, but the Grassy Clodhoppers? Now begone dear witch before someone drops a house on you too!

3. Cinderella: ”The Return of the Malaise” 

MOTUS, MOO needs to lose those goose poop green shoes. Can you hide them in the back of her closet?

4. Gerard: “Transforming America, One B-#%h at a Time”

It's clear to me that as long as the editors of Capitol File have faces Nancy will have a place to sit.

5. Janice: “Caboodle Jeans- Workplace Alert”

Yes, you are going to hell. However, the rest of us will be there with you. (and don't worry, because I'm an engineer, and I'll have those air conditioners up and working in no time)

6. Kathy N: “Bunker Post-1- The Big Chill-Hil”

... maybe her "killer'' workouts are working those toned arms moving her fork from her plate to her mouth...

7. Madame DeFarge: “Boodle Jeans”

You do realize that they will have to be special ordered through Omar, the tent maker don't you?

8. MiaZagora: “Barry and the Jets”

... What happened to No Child's Fat Behind? Hey - they're socialists. Why don't they just take the food away from the fat kids and give it to kids with low BMI's?...

9. Moright: “Singing in the Rain”

Are they all just taking the weekend off from hygiene and grooming? I don't think even Ditty would hire this posse...The national embarrassment tour continues.

10. PortiaElizabeth: “American IdOl- Do Kroners Come With That-“

... Heaven forbid, she would go one day without enough metallics to contact the space station.

11. Sine Qua Non: “C.S.I. Asheville”

... Mo-Mo the Angry Clown looks as though she can't wait ANOTHER MOMENT for her platter of vittles...

12. srdem65: “Oprah D-Oprah Redux”

... "If it zips, it fits".

Congratulations to this month’s worthy nominees and our new Minister of Snark, vereteno. The polls are now open and will remain open until 11:59 PM, Friday, May  14. As always, Chicago rules are in effect. Vote early, vote often.

May the Best Snark win, or at least get mouse-itis

Technorati Tags: snark,chicago rules,mouse-itis

trying.