When Snarks Attack: 7

It’s June, so that must mean it’s time for the May edition of my world famous When Snarks Attack competition!

Once again, my super-secret nominating committee had a hard time narrowing the mountain of snarks to fit the ballot. This month, we are offering up for your consideration a baker’s dozen of the snarkiest snarks. So, without further adieu, and in alphabetical order, here are your May 2010 When Snarks Attack: 7 nominees for the coveted Golden FLOTUS:

When Snarks Attack-7 Nominees

May, 2010

(comments may be edited by moi)

1. bettyann: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“. . . that pin looks like something my sea cucumber vomits to keep the cleaner shrimp busy. . .”

2. Cinderella: "Fashionista Rip Off"

“MOTUS,

WTH is that thing sitting on Christina Hendrick's shoulder? A dead animal? A tumor? Something the designer picked from the a trash can behind an autopsy lab? What is it?”

3. Don Rodrigo: "Big Food, Big Prints"

“Fascinating, the dynamics of the Fashionista, whether that be Michelle Antoinette herself, or Sarah Jessica Cyranose:
Half the time they look passably elegant, and the other half of the time they look like freakin' circus clowns.”

4. Florida Girl: "Tyrants of the World: a Member’s Only Club"

“Demi-tyrant has Buddha belly. Tyrant is twice as tall with Buddha bottom!!!!!”

5. Janice: "Hemlines: They’re a lot like borders"

“. . . It is called proctocraniology. In other words, her head is shoved so far up her ass, she can't help but make those faces.”

6. Labwriter: "Moles, Polls and Controlled Fat Rolls"

“I'd rather have a mammogram than wear that blue dress.”

7. Madame DeFarge: "Primer Fiesta Mexicano Histórico"

“Gosh, MOTUS! Serving Mexican food to Mexicans...seems a bit like carrying coals to Newcastle. . .”

8. MJ: "Butt Out (Special TGIF bonus post)

“If I throw a stick, will they leave?”

9. Moright: "Clarabell vs Ronald McDonald: 9th Circus Court of ...

“And so the grim Socialists took the Happy out of Happy Meals. Their plan to eradicate all joy remains on track. . .”

10. PortiaElizabeth: "Monday Morning Food Fight"

“I don't know about the rest of you, but I sit up and take notice when Al Franken and Jeanene Garafolo shake their fingers at me. And then I return the favor with a helpful hand gesture of my own.”

11. Sine Qua Non: "Are We Having Fun Yet?"

“And The Won is beaming with excitement at the thought of sneaking plenty of cigs on the family back porch.
Ooops, given Mo-Mo's growing assets, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned a "back porch." My bad.”

12. srdem65: "Revving Up for Motown"

“I'm hoping that it's not my fault...I usually turn my keyboard upside-down every morning and shake out any lurking trolls but, you know...a senior moment or two and I forget. Sorry”

13. Suzette: "Potty Break Posting"

“I just love how she always has some kind of theme going on. This time, she looks like someone Kirk would fall in love with when he beams down to a planet full of shiny blue women with tails.”

Congratulations to this month’s nominees! The polls will remain open until 11:59PM, Tuesday, June 8, or until ordered to do so by a Court of Controlling Legal Authority. As always, Chicago rules apply. So, vote early and vote often. Pander to your base and get the vote out!

May the best snark win, or at least be offered an important, but unpaid advisory position, to drop out of the running!

Soak the Rich

Boy, are Lady M and Big Guy ever cranked.

Apparently Joey B and Dr. Jill threw a party on Saturday and didn’t even invite POTUS and FLOTUS. Tacky, since Smootie has invited the Bees to almost every big party that we’ve ever had here.

Joey and Jill invited mostly relatives, staff and - of course – the press. I think they just assumed Big Guy would be busy plugging that damn hole.

But it sure looks like it would have been fun.

Rahmbo brought his uzi back with him from the Holy Land and uses it to attack the big mouth press corp(se) who has now decided that Israel is the Great Satan.

Joey is gunned down by a Palestinian peace activist.

 

Yikes, I sure hope that’s a water gun that the young manneken pis is brandishing.

Frankly I’m glad we weren’t invited. All that moisture tends to give me sudden system freeze-ups for days after wards. But that’s beside the point. All I can say is don’t expect an invitation to our next party either, Dr. Jill and Joey.

Have You Seen My Clapper?

Did you see that Big Guy just named a new Director of National Intelligence?

It’s retired Air Force Lt. Gen. James R. Clapper Jr.. I think he’s probably best known as the inventor of the world famous hand activated on/off switch, as seen on tee vee.

The Clapper! Clap on! Clap off!

Boy, I can think of any number of ways this will come in handy around here.

Visiting dignitaries and celebrities:

Shut up and sing! Or write. Or whatever it is you do.

Natural disasters:

 Shut off the damn volcano!

un-natural disasters:

 Shut your damn mouth!

 Shut off the damn leak!

Wow! This was an ingenious appointment. Planned future applications include shutting down North Korean and Iranian nuclear programs, all hostile rightwing internet sites, FOX news, Rush Limbaugh and talk radio.

Lady M also thinks it will be useful around here.

And by the way, Lt. General Clapper’s other credentials include involvement with local law enforcement agencies:

The Great Clapper Caper: 1968

One Toque Over the Line; Chef’s Day at the White House

You’re going to get a kick out of this. Remember the Doc Flock we assembled before Big Guy’s “big f#@%ing  deal” (Joey’s words, not mine) healthcare passed?

Staff hands out white coats to docs assembled at the Big White

Well, we had a lot of left over white coats (like about 1000) because we couldn’t get as many doctors as we thought to show up to pose as useful idiots for Big Guy’s photo op. So, in the spirit of our “we’re all about green” recycling program, we just re-purposed them for our chefs-against-your-child’s-fat-behind program; or Stock Pot Schlock as I like to call it.

We asked the chefs to bring their own toques so everyone could see they were chefs. We didn’t want people thinking we were trying to shove more medical plans down their throats, but as you can see chefs are rather absent minded, disrespectful and irresponsible. Kind of like Helen Thomas.

Lady M’s wearing one of her new signature, uh, interesting visible back zippers. The racing stripe motif seems to be making a comeback for some reason.

The front of the blouse is interesting too, although it was solid white when we left the East Wing. But due to an unfortunate incident involving a blender, a missing cover and Rachael Ray we wound up with some cutting edge avant-guarde food art.

 

Rear View Just For You

  Raspberry, blueberry mint frappe! Yum-o!

Ray Ray Channeling Oprah

Here’s tee vee chef Rachael Ray, getting ready to prepare one of her famous 30 minute meal miracles: sea-green smoothies. Like Lady M, she spends more time talking about vegetables than she does actually eating any of them.

Peacock Blue. And Green. All Organic

It hardly seems possible, but it’s time for our second annual “first historic toxic organic garden peacock harvest.” Technically, last year’s first harvest was much later, but it was so successful we planted a special early-harvest variety this year.

 

Remember last year’s peacock harvest? We wore, what else, peacock blue and our world famous fashion icon boob belt.

This year, we went one better and wore peacock blue and green and replaced the boob belt with a Madonna style bra.

But the harvesting technique was pretty much the same; 

We did have a few heart stopping moments when Little Mo got tangled up in the root structure of Lady M’s peacock tails.

That’s Little Mo, inside the blue circle. You remember:  he escaped from the whirling jaws of Ricky’s blender at the big State Mole Fiesta dinner we threw for Felipe who came to town to tell us how to  operate our open border more effectively. Don’t worry, Little Mo  escaped from Ricky’s kitchen and Big Guy’s speech (something no one else has done so far) so he had no problem hauling tail out of Lady M’s roots. As a precaution though, I’m placing MO’s toxic garden off limits on harvest days.

  This is when Little Mo made his break.

And please, no questions about the choice of harvest attire. I just work here.

Put a Plug in it

After the big party Wednesday night, yesterday seemed pretty ho-hum. Except for the fact that Big Guy and Lady M were summoned to the children’s school: Apparently, we got in trouble for keeping the girls up too late the night before.

You can tell it must have been an important appointment at the girls school, because Lady M dressed up (mostly) like a grownup, put on her best Oprah face and brought grandma with her - who seems to be emulating Lady M’s casual summer hairstyle.

The Sidwell school cut the O’s some slack when they heard that the concert was held by Sir Pall - a legend of rock and roll. And I guess it didn’t hurt that he took the opportunity to make a joke about a former Republican President  not being very smart.

This from a guy once arrested for trying to smuggle dope into this country? And who was so dumb he married a gold-digger without executing a pre-nup? He must be a certified MENSA member.

 

 

I think we should  get Sir Pall together with James Cameron to fix that BP leak in the Gulf. In addition to both of them being certified geniuses, they’re eminently qualified: Cameron did Titanic and Sir Pall did “I’m Fixing a Hole.”  And since they both have a lot of experience with altered states, maybe they can do it with special effects. 

Daddy, can you plug this hole while you’re at it?

Wons Forever? Na, Na, Na, Na, NaNaNaNa

I have broken through the embargo on rear shot of the Byron Lars hoodie Lady M wore last night. I hacked into this video clip which the Wons promised PBS would not be shown until the special airs on the network you all own, later this year.

I’ll set the stage: Sir Pall asked the crowd to show their love for the Wons by singing a song of hope for their re-election.

Party on, dudes. Who knows when the music will stop.

I’ve Got Pictures!

Here’s the best I can get for you. Petey Souza is like the Grinch when it comes to releasing his pictures. And since he’s the only one allowed to TAKE pictures at these special parties, he exercises complete artistic control - in our most transparent Presidency evah!

 

As you can see, the drapey thing is going to give us problems, but nice belt and bangles. Back later if I can get my hard drive on anything else.

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