Swan Lake Song

Lady M is not - repeat NOT - in the mood to be messed with. And those pain meds that mellow out lesser humans, like Big Guy, don’t seem to effect her at all. So when the scoop about Toes cutting out of town before the end of Big Guy’s reign, she nearly popped her surgical stitches (butt you didn’t hear anything from me).

The pre-vacation burger bump

Believe me, no one knows how badly Big Guy needs Toes and his steel balls like Lady M does. 

I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know for a fact Toes is leaving. In fact, he can’t wait to pack his toothbrush. Normally this would be a marriage made in heaven: all Toes wants to do is bust heads and kick butt, and all Big Guy wants to do is talk about busting heads and kicking butt. At least it’s just like MO and BO’s marriage. Butt I guess there’s only room for one ass-kicking partner in this triad and – unbelievably - it’s not Big Guy!

So what I hear is Rhambo will be leaving after the midterms. Someone has to be the fall guy, so it might as well be the guy who tried to get Big Guy to compromise on his legacy Obamacare bill.  Besides,Toes is starting to push on the wrong side of the Israel-Palestine issue.

The Three Stooges: which one do you think has a functioning brain?

It’s definitely not going to be Wile E. Coyote:

Or Baghdad Bob:

Besides, out of the three stooges, Rahmbo has the most diverse skill set. That might help him land another job in this tough economy:

 Rhambo in his ballerina days, where he earned the moniker “Toes”

Plus, during deep, extended recessions, audiences love a good musical. Watch for the upcoming made-for-TV movie of Rahm’s life starring Ron Reagan Jr. Working title: “The Nutcracker”

Houston, We Have Lift Off

I’m back! What a relief!

And just in time to share with you part of Big Guy’s Father’s Day proclamation:

Nurturing families come in many forms, and children may be raised by a father and mother, a single father, two fathers, a step father, a grandfather, or caring guardian…

or caring wolves. Apparently the only arrangements that won’t work are the two mommies route they’ve been hyping in grade school for years now. Bummer. I wonder who wrote this proclamation? And just what do they have against lesbians? Have you seen the polls? We can’t afford to lose any more special interest groups. Sheeze! Can’t this Big White do anything right?

How about dogs? Can dogs form a nurturing family?

And I’m not sure where that leaves Hub and me, since our father (and mother) were ultra-low expansion glass planes.

Oh well, I’m cutting Big Guy some slack. He hasn’t had any rest since someone told him it was his job to clean up the Big Spill.

But I digress: I just want to welcome y’all - as they say in the Gulf states – back to my blog which has now been tricked out with state-of-the-art commentary software for your participation enjoyment.

If you’re having any trouble, or anyone who doesn’t cat-around the Interweb and isn’t already familiar with the Echo system,  please check out the post below for helpful hints.

I’ll leave the post there for a couple of days, then move it to the sidebar. It’s also posted on Raj’s blog, and if you have any questions or problems you can leave a comment for Raj or email him. He assures me he’ll be more than happy to help, although he does have an appointment tomorrow afternoon so his response may be a bit slower than usual – more in keeping with everyone else here at the Big White.

So MOL’s and MOD’s, happy snarking! And remember: it’s 100%  transfat  and calorie free, although sometimes a little salty.

MAINTENANCE SHUTDOWN ALERT!

OMG, I am so nervous, and Raj is back here in my bunker and cool as a cucumber. We are making the big CHANGE tonight.

Raj tells me that we have to take the blog '”OFFLINE” for the duration of the switchover. So here goes:

MOTUS WILL GO OFFLINE

BEGINING AT 5:00PM TONIGHT

SUNDAY JUNE 20, 2010

If you try to access the blog during the shutdown, you will be told that the “The Blog Is Open To Invited Readers Only”. DON’T WORRY, nobody can sign in, it’s just what happens when we close the site for maintenance.

Toes hasn’t shut me down, yet!

Raj says it shouldn’t take more than an hour or so to get things switched over and tested, and I should be back online later this evening.

I’m really excited, but really scared! Luckily, Raj is the best and Bo, Little Mo and the Wee Wons are here to boost my spirits and calm me down.

Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck!

See you later tonight, I HOPE.

Riddle Me This: Is the Hole Plugged Yet?

Tony Hayward and the yacht crew

Yesterday Tony went sailing and Rhambo went sniping, telling ABC’s Jake Tapper: 

“Well, to quote Tony Hayward, he’s got his life back, as he would say. And I think we can all conclude that Tony Hayward is not going to have a second career in PR consulting. This has just been part of a long line of PR gaffes and mistakes.”

He took no questions regarding how Big Guy continues not to rest at baseball games and on gulf courses. But then, Hayward is the goose and Big Guy’s the gander.

It’s in the hole! Mission accomplished!

Riddle me This:

What's the difference between an out of touch elitist CEO and an out of touch elitist President? You may ignore the fact that one of them is a private citizen, not elected to represent the interests of the American public.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Attention all my MOL’s, MOD’s and FOM: I will be shutting down briefly, I HOPE, today for maintenance in advance of installation of my new commenting system. I’m very excited, but it’s really stressful. Raj says we have to convert all the comments from the old system and – well, who knows what could go wrong? I can think of a million things, butt don’t worry: I won’t rest until I’ve got this plugged in.

I’m sure everything will be just fine. After all, Raj is in charge.

The conversion will prevent me from posting any more Big White updates today, but I will advise you just as soon as the system is installed and functioning so you can give it a test drive. I hope it doesn’t give me a double migraine. Or you. Keep your fingers crossed.

Hopefully everything will turn out OK, and I’ll be back in the morning with an update.In the meantime, wishing a Big ‘Ole Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there, and to all the people who have or had fathers.

Oh yeah, and Dewey is still fully functioning, since he’s not scheduled for any upgrades.

Day 57: President Visits 57th State of Columbus

Day 57, and still no rest. OK it was really day 59 – but who’s counting?

Big Guy took the Wee Wons to a Sox-Nationals game last night. He did not rest however. See? He’s taking phone calls. This one was actually Lady M, who was previously indisposed, telling him not to let the girls have anything to eat that would give them fat behinds.

Bo and the Wee Wons tried to act like they were enjoying the game.

Lady M sent me along to the game to make sure we don’t see any more of those scowly-face frown pictures of Big Guy: electric smiles only. Oh, and notice: no Mom-jeans this time. We’re going all tight and manly. Don’t tell anybody, but BO’s trying to emulate GWB.

Now he wants me to reflect a huge belt buckle.

I probably should have accompanied Big Guy to Columbus too. He was there to promote our 10,000th Stimulus Road Work project - paid for by you!  Thanks, American taxpayers!

As reported by the NYT:

For all the talk of “shovel-ready” infrastructure projects when the stimulus first passed, construction projects made up a comparatively small slice of the package, and many required considerable administrative spade work — planning, permitting and contracting — before actual dirt could be turned….

Now that the long-promised “road work ahead” is here, in big numbers, the question is whether voters will warm to the stimulus.

I don’t know about “other voters,”  but I can tell you that on my last cross country road trip with Raj it seemed like we hit all 10,000 of those stimulus projects. That doesn’t necessarily translate to warm and fuzzy feelings towards Big Guy.

We didn’t get any more of those scary facial contortion headshots in the Columbus shoot, but unfortunately Big Guy does still appear to be shrinking – and now he seems to be taking other Americans down with him.

Follow the yellow brick road. It leads to Oz. Oh No!

 

Tiny man on a big, big Airplane. Don’t worry, he’s not flying it.

 

 

 

 

Could we not have found a smaller flag?

OK, that’s better

There was a little complaining on the local front about the President’s entourage putting all the construction workers building the new Children’s Hospital (seen in background, above) on furlough for the day due to security restrictions. I guess there were no other spots available along the road project site that could provide such a handsome backdrop for the Presidential photo op. Nevertheless, the trip was a complete success - today we’re announcing another 150 jobs created in Columbus (all of the construction workers have been recalled due to lifting of the security ban).

I’m finally starting to get the hang of Obamanomics.

From One Hole To Another Hole

Lady M update: she was last seen at a billionaire’s seaside villa in the LA area.

I can debunk all of the following rumors as untrue: Lady M is NOT pregnant with Al Gore’s baby; she’s NOT trying out for a remake of either (a) 77 Sunset Strip (b) Hawaii Five-0, (c) Baywatch, (d) 90210, (e) The O.C. or (f)  Real Wives of Washington D.C.. I can neither confirm nor deny the rumor regarding cosmetic surgery.

But now, back to the business of ruling the small People:  yesterday’s Congressional follies. Let me see if I have this right:  BP’s CEO accepted “responsibility” for the big spill and acknowledged an “obligation” to the people and places ruined by said “big spill",” but refuses to acknowledge “liability.” Wow! This guy would’ve made a great politician if he hadn’t decided to be a greedy capitalist pig instead. Big Guy can’t help but admire him a little.

Arm Twister-in-Chief, and

 

arm twistee

Then,in a strange twist, instead of Tony Hayward apologizing to America for destroying our coastline and fishing industries, Rep. Joe Barton apologized to Tony Hayward?  Sheeze, Joe, maybe you have a point, but talk about tone deaf! I guess it’s OK now, though, since Joe later apologized for his apology.

Am I missing something here? I know I’m due for system upgrades, but I’m quite sure my basic comprehension pack isn’t due for maintenance for another 6 months. Still, things are a little garbled. Here’s what I can make out so far: BP screwed up royally. But somehow Big Guy waived our long-standing rule of law and replaced it with his own infinite messiah-like wisdom and levied a $20 billion down payment towards total future damages – also to be determined by Big Guy: Barry’s Pay-As-You-Go Plan. I think it’s set up so that if BP doesn’t pay, Big Guy gets to put their assets into his own bottomless hole: the Obamacare fund. It’s a win-win.

Extortioner,  Chicago-style

  Extortionee, trying to stay beneath the radar

Meanwhile, Senate Democrats are also not resting until the hole is plugged: "One of the many lessons of the BP disaster is we can't afford to continue business as usual," said good old Harry Reid. Translation: never-let-a-good-crisis-go-to-waste.

So we’re going to cram through Big Guy’s Crap and Tax.

If you’re confused don’t worry, it’s just because you’re one of the small people of little brain. Here’s a simple explanation from one of your betters:

"The root problem is political contributions, oil lobbyists’ access, and the Supreme Court's recent approval of unlimited corporate campaign spending," 

according to John Bonine, a law professor at the University of Oregon.  “That's why getting off the oil economy will be so difficult, almost impossible.”

Uh,I know I’m just a high-tech mirror, but I think the real reason it will be so hard to get off the “oil economy” is because no one really knows how to heat and cool our buildings or fly airplanes with unassisted wind power.

But maybe we can replace our fighter jets* -

 

 

with hot air balloons. I think the Iranians will get a kick out of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But getting back to that part about the “Supreme Court's recent approval of unlimited corporate campaign spending:”  didn’t George W. Bush appoint John Roberts and Samuel Alito to the Supremes?

Case closed: this whole mess is GWB’s fault.

I’ll be glad when Lady M gets back. She’s easy compared to these wahoos.

 

 

*Lt. Col. James Hecker and Lt. Col. Evan Detein line up their F/A-22 Raptor aircraft behind a KC-10 Extender to refuel while en route to Hill Air Force Base, Utah. Photo taken by TSgt Ben Bloker.

UPDATE President Obama: He IS a Transformer

UPDATED: with an actual picture of Big Guy’s frown turned upside down!

I have no idea what Lady M’s up to, but since the paparazzi have been held firmly at bay, I was free to hang at the Big White yesterday to witness history in action.

And what a historical day it was!

First, Big Guy met with the oil slicksters and - just like he said the night before - extracted a promise from BP’s Chairman to put $20 billion in escrow to pay people for damages in the Gulf. After the Copenhagen fiasco, Big Guy’s handlers have finally figured out its best to extort promises before the photo ops.

 BP’s Carl-Hendric Svanberg and BO, both appearing small

Shortly thereafter, BP’s Chairman Carl-Hendric Svanberg declared to the press that he “cares about small people,” which is good news for our mysteriously shrinking President O.

So “when all was said and done,” (which always means more was said then done) we pocketed 20 billion BP dollars for an escrow account that Big Guy said will be administered by an independent party – who, as it turns out, is our very own pay czar Karl Feinberg!  “Independent” is always a confusing concept around here. Apparently it wasn’t something covered on the final exam at Harvard Law School. But around here it means ABB: Anyone But Barry. 

Meanwhile, despite naming a new Spill czar (we’re up to a nifty 50!) and a brand new commission to “look into” everything, Big Guy is stunned that his loyal left guard is still criticizing his handling of this crisis! What do they expect from him! He can’t swim down and plug the damn hole; he can’t suck it up with a straw! You small people are really out of line here. Our new Spill Czar is now responsible for deflecting all criticism related to this mess.

Besides, we’ve already moved on. We are now transparently focusing on bigger fish: a New World Order through our New Energy Policy. "The tragedy unfolding on our coast is the most painful and powerful reminder yet that the time to embrace a clean energy future is now," Big Guy told us all Tuesday night. So far that includes a complete halt to drilling in the continental USA and paying reparations to all third world nations.

So I thought it was safe to take the evening off and play a little 3-D chess with Raj. Bad call, and I’m afraid Lady M is going to be really mad at me when she sees these photos from Big Guy’s appearance at the Nurses Association meeting last night.

How was I supposed to know that he was so exhausted that he couldn’t even hold his jowls up? He looked OK when he left.

hey Big Guy! Let’s turn that frown upside down!

UPDATE: After reading bettyann’s comment about actually turning Big Guy’s frown upside down on her computer, I decided to try it for myself. OMG, I almost wet my pants (except of course I don’t wear pants). He does look like Mr. Potato Head!!! If by ‘Mr. Potato Head’ you mean an evil Ninja mutant Buddha head!

At least He’s Smiling! 

I think we’re going to have to switch back from the ‘warm and fuzzy’ cycle to  ‘cold’- it appears that Big Guy’s not only shrinking, but wrinkling up pretty badly too.

  

Maybe Big Guy’s working on a transition to RoboCop:

 Big Guy without his make-up

Size: It Matters

I hope no one’s concerned about the US taxpayers having to pay for Lady M and the girls dream vacation in sunny southern CA. As Cammie Johnston – Lady M’s communications secretary – has explained: "Mrs. Obama is paying all appropriate expenses for private travel."

Trip details to date: Suzanne Goin’s Lucques, Mario Batali’s Pizzeria Osteria Mozza, world famous Pink’s. Stoli (straight up! that’s my girl!) at Lucques, Chianti, pizza and charcuterie at Mario’s and Polish dogs at Pinks. That seems to include enough international diplomacy to cover the costs of most of our trip. So far we figure Lady M’s personal expenses include the breathe mints, Dramamine and Nexium – and I’m fairly certain that they’re all covered under Obamacare.

You aren’t seeing many pictures from LA because any paparazzi who breached the SS lines are now the guests of the local gendarmes. And I don’t have many pics on my hard drive because Lady M – who didn’t need me since all the photographers were locked up - sent me back to the Big White for last night’s big speech. She wanted me to to do my best to help reflect Big Guy as the kind of take-charge guy we know him to be. I did my best. But when you’re dealing with a guy who takes his clues on how to act like  commander in chief from West Wing re-runs, it takes a few more gigabytes than I currently have to play with.

With all the back and forth between coasts I did forget to post this picture of Lady M and the fam enjoying the Lakers-Celtics game in her zebra safari outfit.

But this one is much more interesting to me:

Who are those 2 giants standing behind the ladies? I’m no artist, but my perspective software pack tells me there’s something very wrong here. If this is some kind of new fangled software, I’m going to have to get my hands on it.

Assuming it works both ways, I could use it to make MO look smaller and BO bigger!

This has to be something the Secret Service is testing. It could be the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for! I’m going to Tweet Raj right away and have him track it down through his CIA sources.

Maybe Big Guy can even use it to make the damn hole look smaller.