The Zodiac Killer Strikes Again: Part III

The new Zodiac has left everyone around here feeling a little uneasy.

They’re wondering amongst themselves, “if it’s that easy to re-arrange the Milky Way, just how hard could it be to switch the world currency base from the dollar to the yen?”  Something that everyone agrees would not be good for Big Guy’s re-election campaign. 

So we’re going to have President Hu over for dinner, ply him with food and drink and then ask him not to do that. Big Guy’s even agreed to bow to him, if that’s what it takes.

Butt before we can discuss the world economy, let’s finish up  my analysis of the First Wons newly assigned astrology signs. Yesterday we examined Lady M’s suitability to her new sign. Today we’ll assess Big Guy’s re-assignment in the massive Zodiac overhaul.

Originally a Leo (allegedly), here are some characteristics associated with those born under the sign of the Lion:

The Fire sign in these people is enthusiastic, energetic, and optimistic.

…and cool?

They don't like much change. Status quo suits them fine.

Excuse me? Do we know who we’re talking about here?

 
People born in this period always aim to get above the common herd of humanity,

No sheeple here

and they themselves in turn are naturally attracted to strong personalities

 

  Hmmm, this may be an anomaly

OK, back on track. Quadruple check here

If injured, they strike back quickly,

“If they bring a knife, you bring a gun, man. Got it?”

 

but they also forgive easily and never hold a grudge.

I think we can call that one a check. It’s just a rumor that Big Guy has an “enemies” list.

  Who do you think he is? Nixon?

The typical Leo is flamboyant and generous with tremendous charm and a magnanimous spirit. 

The Generous, Charming O

They are usually lucky in money matters, often having money given to them from unthought-of sources;

Wow! I’ll say! A Check – for me? To buy the lot next door?

but they crave love above all, and this is the one thing they seldom get.

 No love???? You cannot be serious!!!!

  
Such people have the power to inspire others…They have an ability to lead their men through fire or death.

Or at least around Martha’s Vineyard

Though full of ambition and enthusiasm, Leo has to admit to a lazy streak

   

OK, we may have a DNA match here.

These people are usually very patient and long-suffering, but if once roused, they know no fear and do not even know when they meet defeat, or acknowledge it when they do.

Unclear on the “patient, long-suffering” part; butt check on the “inability to admit defeat” part.

As a rule, people born in this period feel isolated and lonely in life, and if not actively employed in some work or purpose they become melancholy and despondent.

I can see how being out of work would do that

And that might explain the self-medication

Big Guy  caught in one of his Nic-i-leaks

Leo does look like a pretty good fit. I think Cancer is going to have to work some to come up with a better match. And it already has a strike going against it due to the  the Prostate Cancer Awareness group’s appropriation of the Cancer sign to promote its cause.

Probably not our best campaign slogan

Let’s take a look at the characteristics of Big Guy’s new sign, the Crab:

These are very complex people, sometimes appearing extremely strong and at other times to be as vulnerable as a child.

Big Guy does have an irrational fear of spiders and conservatives.

So far so good.

Once they overcome their touchiness and master their turbulent emotions, their intellect and imagination enable them to become a success in almost anything they undertake.

I must admit: the beer summit was an ingenious way out of that whole  “acting stupidly” thing 

These people are remarkably good at accumulating things; indeed, they can be unwilling to throw anything out, even relationships that have passed their use-by date.

 

OK –Check - on the accumulating things, butt lets not get into the relationships issue. Besides, it’s a bit crowded under our bus.

They are generally over-anxious in financial matters, and make great efforts to gather in money;

  CHECK! And by that I mean “it’s in the bank”

 

At heart they are romantic and of a very loving and affectionate disposition.

  Uhhhhh – OK.

On the other hand these people are perhaps the most sensitive natures from any other class of people and if (they) aren’t recognized they quickly give up or get depressed and melancholy.

Again with that depression thing! Is everyone reading Ulsterman?

Besides, Big Guy has his ways of coping

Above all, they require encouragement and appreciation.

One of the reasons we’re addicted to campaigning

People born in this part of the year often reach very high exalted positions.

Yikes! Maybe there is something to this new galaxy alignment!

In their home lives, however, they usually go through a great deal of trouble, and are seldom surrounded by happiness, no matter how successful they may appear in the eye of the world.

This is starting to get scary

Such people have deep love for what they call "their own people,"

I guess. If by “own people” you mean “the ones not under the bus.”

 

 

Well, there you have it.

Both Big Guy and Lady M could go either way. Although, I’d have to give a slight edge to their original signs of the Goat and the Lion. It’s worked out pretty well for both of them so far, so maybe they should just stick with them.

And since they were promised that they could keep the signs they’ve got if they’re happy with them, I’m going to suggest they both exercise their waivers.

In fact, maybe Big Guy could just issue an Executive Order to repeal the whole new Zodiac plan because, as far as I can tell from my comments section, nobody likes their new horoscope anyway.

One thing I’ve learned from my years of reflecting around Washington is this: when the cure is worse than the disease, it’s always best to take a pass.

I say, Repeal Now. Before it’s too late and people start getting used to being an Ophiuchus.

The Zodiac Killer Strikes: Part II

When I left you yesterday, we had just recapped the realignment of the galaxy to squeeze in another Zodiac sign

in order to make good on a campaign promise. Among the unintended consequences, reassignment of Lady M’s and Big Guy’s astrological signs.

Today I’m going to review the evidence in order to determine if they’ve been properly reassigned. If not, we’ll have to issue the First Couple special waivers because they were promised that if they liked their current horoscopes, they could keep them.

So I’ll be examining the characteristics of MO and BO’s prior and current Zodiac signs to see if this governmental intervention makes sense, or if it’s just another diversity program run amuck.

Today I’ll analyze Lady M’s astrological charts. She was a Capricorn under the previous Administration, so we’ll examine the traits associated with the Goat:

These people are usually ambitious and the lives of those born under this sign are marked by a purposeful pursuit of their destiny.

Check

CAPRICORNS have a sense of purpose and a great faith in their own ability.

Rockin’ her world

People born in January are usually mentally strong, but they are, as a rule, generally (not) understood by other people.

 No touching,  pipsqueak 

 

They are thinkers, reasoners, and usually successful in business or any form of government work.

They are as a rule very independent and high-minded in all what(sic) they do, and detest being under the restraint of others.

 See Cripes Suzette for full disclosure on the cooch issue

Capricorns will grind anything that gets in their way down to dust.

Desi made us look bad, so she had to die (that’s just rhetoric, of course)

 

 Time is definitely on their side.  It gets easier for them as they older.  When they age, they cheer up too.

Well, I don’t think I’d bank on that last one.

Although they may seem to be cold, they have warm hearts towards suffering,

and as a rule they give away very much, but subscribe more generously when giving to institutions than when giving to a person.

Especially when she’s giving your money

Such people have non-typical ideas of love, duty, and social position, and that is why they are often considered to be "odd," and do not fit in easily with their neighbors or colleagues.

CAPRICORNS have a great sense of pride and will not forgive anyone who belittles or slights them

Don’t worry, we’ve made up with the Oprah D-oprah now

   

They are often excellent speakers, but not because they are good orators, but because they plain their speech.

Mo, plainin’ her speech for the folks

 
They worship intellectual, clever people;

 

They should aim for some form of public life.

 

And aim high.

Government or responsible positions of control and management of others is the best work for them.

(These) people are inclined to excite bitter opposition but bear up against it with a philosophic spirit. Their home and family life is very often a troubled one. They frequently feel "lonely-hearted" and misunderstood, even if it is not so.

Check, check, check,check and double check.

They place great importance on personal happiness.

 Double,double check.

If we take in the full picture, we will see that it is a mixed bag of both greatness and evil. This can take many forms. It can show one who suffers at the hand of evil and who is cast out in disgrace, or it can show one who has sacrificed their own soul to gain the world, or some variation in between.

Wow! Her new sign is really going to have to go some to beat this match!

Let’s see how Sagittarius stands up to Lady M’s personality traits: 

They are often the great workers; such people never seem to tire until they drop with fatigue.

Well, I have seen Lady M drop, butt it’s usually not from fatigue.

 

They would rather learn on their own, through travel and experience, than endure structured classroom environments and routine work assignments.

 Well, we do like to travel.

High spirited and congenial, they are a gifted conversationalist, a wonderful storyteller, and a born entertainer.  

 If by “entertainer” you mean “harpy”

One of their great difficulties lies within relationships. They are completely able to be faithful to two people at once.

As long as at least one of those two people is, um, her.

The women born in this Sign are, as a rule, the nobler of the two; they love to make their husbands successful and will sacrifice everything to that end.  

Oh, we sacrifice. Every day.

They are usually great church-goers.

 If by “church” you mean “chickens coming home to roost.”

On the other hand both men and women when they settle down they usually treat themselves strictly. They refuse to let the relationship get stale and always look for ways to bring excitement into the union.

 Bingo! Date Nights!

They venerate law and order and make the best of mothers.

Let’s just say the jury is out on those last two items.  

So far I’d say the balance is in favor of Lady M’s original goat sign. Butt we’ll have to wait until tomorrow, when I can complete Big Guy’s astrological analysis, before we decide if we’re going to exercise our waivers.