OK, as I was saying yesterday, once I heard that Chuck Norris was Oklahoma’s “most famous celebrity” winner, I was a bit afraid to talk about any other contenders for the crown once I heard that Chuck Norris was their winner. Partly because I wasn’t sure if Chuck had left any of his challengers standing, and if he had, I didn’t want to give him any reason for paying them a visit, if you get my drift.
Plus, if memory serves, somebodyfrom Oklahoma cheated last week and peeked.
Butt OK, OK, all is forgiven. (Isn’t it cool how when I say “OK” it means both ‘OKay’ and OKlahoma? Is there a word for that?)
Anyway, at the risk of jeopardizing the safety of “a whole bunch” of famous Okies, I’ll review some of the candidates who could have held the title for the last, brief, agonizing moments of their lives. Until Chuck Norris showed up to claim his rightful prize.
We begin with Oklahoma’s cowboys and Indians: Gene Autry, William "Hopalong Cassidy" Boyd, Geronimo and Black Kettle…wait a minute, Black Kettle? I know damn well I can’t call the Kettle Black – at least not without being called a racist.
So let’s change the subject and listen to some Gene Autry. I think this song has more meaning to average American’s today than it did back when he recorded it in ‘44, which, coinky-dinkily, was also the caliber of Gene’s six-gun.
Now on to the rest of the Okie recording artists: Leading the parade is American Idol # 4, the lovely and talented Carrie Underwood. I was really nervous all through the competition that year, because I saw what happened when Carrie got mad at her high school prom.
I think, with that anger management issue she has, she’d be a great “alternative to Chuck Norris” choice, and probably the only one in the batch that would stand a chance of surviving. There are other musical Oakies too, of course including Roy Clark, Garth Brooks, Vince Gill, Toby Keith, Reba McEntire, and John Denver, when he wasn’t Rocky Mountain high. Butt let’s face it, Carrie, as creepy as she is, sure can sing!
If musicians aren’t humming your tune, how about movie and TeeVee stars? Ron “Opie” Howard (he’s got that Big Guy ear thing going for him), James “Rockford” Garner, Lon Chaney and Joan Crawford. At first, I thought Lon Chaney might have a reasonable chance against Chuck. After all, he usually plays a mummy or some other walking dead creature.
Then I realized, Chuck Norris would round-kick the life into him, just so he could kick it out of him again. And in case you were wondering, no; Lon is not related to my BPPCSB, the real Dick Cheney.
Normally I wouldn’t have put Joan Crawford in the mix at all, since she wasn’t actually born in OK, butt as we all know that’s not a prerequisite, and she was raised in Lawton. Actually, as an actress, I would have written her off, butt she also has another claim to fame: she practically invented the Sharpie eye brow, something fairly indispensible around here.
As you can see, she started out OK:
Butt things went downhill rather quickly as she began to age a bit:
Towards the end there, she does look like she could’ve kicked Chuck’s butt.
I think it’s obvious that no one on the wrong side of the law would stand a chance against Chuck. Nevertheless, Oklahoma has its share of infamous outlaws including Charles “Pretty Boy” Floyd - hey OT, butt speaking of “pretty boys” Brad Pitt is an Okie too! – butt back to the bad guys: Belle “Queen of the Outlaws” Starr, and Carry Nation. OK (heh heh) technically, Ms. Nation was not an official outlaw, butt I bet you’d have a different opinion if they hadn’t repealed prohibition. And speaking of “repeal”…no, that’s a different post.
Outlaws and criminals remind me of politicians, and that reminds me of Oklahoma’s favorite son, Will Rogers, American cowboy, comedian, social commentator, vaudevillian and actor. From about a million quotes, here are three of my favorites:
"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."
"If stupidity got us in this mess, why can't it get us out?"
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
Oklahoma does have one politician I love, and wish he was back in the game: JC Watts. Born in Eufaula, JC lead the Sooners to two consecutive Big 8 titles and represented Oklahoma’s 4th congressional District from 1995 to 2003. Then, breaking the typical politicians career arc, JC returned to the private sector to earn an honest living. If I was coach of the R-word team, I’d put him in the game!
I wasn’t going to cover anymore sports figures, butt when Dewey found out I was doing an Oklahoma update, he insisted that I tell the story of Okie Mickey Mantle’s record breaking 535th home run. The “gift” pitch was thrown, late in the 1968 season, by Tiger pitching legend Denny McClain. Denny knew Mickey’s career was near the end and, like all batters, Mickey wanted to break the then home run record of 534. Denny was having a record season. He finished the year winning 31 games for the first time since Oklahoma’s Dizzy Dean won 31 games in 1934. No major league pitcher has won 31 games since.
Butt let’s let Mickey tell the story of that 535th home run himself:
I’m running out of time, and I know there are oodles more, like perky Mary Hart, Anita Bryant, Dr. Phil (who is persona non grata with MO until he dishes the dirt on Orka), and, of course, everybody’s favorite radio guy:
And so now you know… the rest of the story.
I sure hope that makes up for the short shrift Oklahoma received yesterday, due to the ‘Chuck Norris intimidation by proxy’ syndrome.
I know you’ve been waiting all week for the concluding segment of my review of UPI’s selection of 50 Celebrities representing 50 of our 57 States. I should explain that, despite the title, the vast majority of UPI’s titlists are not really “celebutards.” In fact, I like many of the winners. Butt being in the media trade as I am, I know you’ve gotta’ have a title that drags ‘em in. I learned that in J-school rehab.
So buckle-up, picking up with North Carolina’s pick, we’re ready to roll.
North Carolina:
Clay Aiken: OK, I like Clay, and he was the runner-up to our second, historic American Idol, Ruben Studdard, and will serve as American Idol #2 in the event that Ruben, for any reason, is unable to complete his Idol duties. That said, he lost. Something we’re not really accustomed to on Team Obama. Here it’s all about “WINNING!”
He did beat out a passel of talented musicians from the Tar Heel State (can I say that?), including Fantasia, George Clinton (distant, funky cousin of The Big Dog), Charlie Daniels (famous for playing backup to Sean Hannity’s “The Devil Went Down To Georgia”), John Coltrane and Thelonious Monk. Personally, I would have picked Mr. Monk. I love the way he could solve crimes by waving his hands in the air. And like him, I’ve grown to sooooo hate CHANGE.
I was worried that UPI would pick Cornelius Calvin Sale, Jr (RIP). You probably know him better by his adoptive name, Robert Carlyle Byrd. Byrdie, as you know, was the longest serving member of the US legislature to ever have held the dual KKK titles of “Kleagle” and “Exalted Cyclops” (elected to “Cyclops” unanimously!). Hey, I thought the R-words were the racists!
North Dakota:
Wiz Khalifa: Not really enamored with his birth name, Cameron Jibril Thomaz, Wiz chose as his Rap-handle the name of a processed cheese food product instead.
Lady M has Wiz’s debut album, “Show and Prove” on her iPod. Butt Big Guy just deleted Wiz’s second hit album, “Deal or No Deal.” He got it as a gift last week from John Boehner, which made him suspicious from the git-go. Boehner’s just not a Wiz kid, like Big Guy is.
If you’ve seen the movie Fargo, and I know you have, you should know two things: never befriend people who own wood chippers, and that February in ND is colder than a witches, you know, in a brass bra.
So, looking at that Lady M inspired sleeveless ‘ensem of Wiz’s I have to question whether he actually resides in Norse DakotaThe 701The Flickertail StateThe Roughrider State the Peace Garden State.
Not that UPI’s rules require anyone to actually reside - or even be born in - a state in order to win the title, butt the Peace Garden State actually has some other, lesser known perhaps, butt equally deserving Celebs. For example: Angie Dickenson, Peggy Lee, Ann Southern, MsNBC lunatic Ed Schultz, Eric Sevareid, Elizabeth Bodine (birth mother of Jethro Bodine), Bobby Vee and Alf Clausen.
I guess the rules do explicitly disqualify Alf because, according to our outdated and irrelevant Constitution, he’s not a native born earthling. Racists!
Peace out.
Alf
Ohio:
Halle Berry: Nobody is more excited about this pick than Little Mo – he loves berries. I confess, she is very easy on the lenses. Little Mo’s only gripe is that I won’t replace UPI’s picture of hottie Halle with the one he’s got in his locker. He doesn’t think the photo UPI selected does Halle’s berries justice.
We’re rather worried about Ohio, with it being a desperately needed swing state. And lately they’ve been turning away from the Won true Messiah and following the likes of heretics and false prophets. Big Guy couldn’t get Governor Kasich (R-word) to come over to the dark side, even by playing golf with him. This still has BO perplexed.
We’re HOPE-ing that this little bundle of wily babe-like charms (who loves Big Guy) might do the trick. Not in the, uh, “professional working girl” sense of the word, butt in TWF, WTF sense, ya’ know?
Let me just say for the record, that I love this pick! And, I don’t want to start any wild rumors on the intertubes, butt if Big Guy ever decides to dump Lady M from his dance card while still in power office, Halle is at the top of my list of nominees for new FLOTUS. As you can see from the photo above, she’s already mastered the art of dressing for the role.
Oklahoma:
Chuck Norris: This Okie original didn’t win his title just because he can kick everybody’s a**. Nor did he win because of his long and successful TeeVee and silver screen career. No, Chuck Norris won this title because:
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Ghosts sit around campfires and tell Chuck Norris stories, and
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits…
I’m sure there are dozens of other worth Oklahoma celebs, butt when you’ve got Chuck, why keep looking?
Don’t miss my Oklahoma Supplement. I posted it after Chuck Norris assured me it would not make him angry.
Oregon:
Ann Curry: All in all, I think this was a good choice for the Beaver State. She’s multi-ethnic, multi-cultural and there is no-body on the TeeVee who exudes more emotive condescension than Ann. Before Ann emoted her way to the Today show co-host spot, Oregon was viewed by most Americans as a KOA style campground used mostly by Californians on their way to Californicate Seattle.
Not that there aren’t a slew of deserving Oregonians, including President Herbert Hoover, Doc Severinsen, Sally Struthers, Mel Blanc and Matt Groening. Matt Groening would have had a better shot if he had just come clean and admitted that Springfield was really Portland and that Jebediah Springfield was really Portland founding father, Asa Lovejoy.
Butt I guess, founding fathers are out of fashion these days. They sure are around the Big White. At the risk of offending Ann Curry fans: I think Matt Groening should have won. The only explanation for his loss is racism. And the judges were feeling all empathetic when they made their final selection.
Pennsylvania:
Peter Boyle: He’s now Puttin’ On The Ritz with the Angels, butt my favorite TeeVee dad was a wise choice to represent the Keystone State. I embiggened the Keystone State to remind you Quaker Staters that you are one of our WTF must-win states. So, if you don’t like Peter Boyle, tweet me and we’ll throw him under the bus along with Granny Dunham, Jeremiah Wright and the soon-to-be-announced victim of a terrible bus accident, JoeyB.
I won’t even get into the now-discredited birth of our racist nation in Philadelphia, or the penning of the US Constitution, now officially regarded as an historically curious relic of a less intellectual era. Butt Pennsylvania also gave us dozens of artists, writers, athletes, astronauts, authors, playwrights, scientists, entrepreneurs and entertainers to choose from.
My personal choice for modern day Penn celeb would have been either Michael Keaton or Kevin Bacon. Who couldn’t use a Michael Keaton dark knight style Batman right about now? And we’re all related to Kevin Bacon, give or take 6 degrees.
Butt I think Peter “Frank Barone” Boyle is a good choice. I HOPE he’s sitting at a nice little table in God’s kitchen right now, eating a Philly cheese steak ’wid Wiz (the processed cheese food product, not the rapper) from Tony Luke’s…
“Marie, sandwich!”
Rhode Island:
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: A lovely choice and what a sweetie. Way too nice to be going toe to hoof with the heifers on the View. A little birdie told me that she just squeaked by second place finisher, Richard Hatch, winner of season 1 Survivor: Borneo and convicted felon. I would have liked to get a few pointers from Dickie on his Survivor survival skills, butt I was advised he may be back in the hoosegow. Taxes, I think. There are some things that nobody can survive.
And just because it’s small, don’t think there weren’t other famous Rhode Islanders that UPI could have chosen too, like Former Providence Mayor and convicted felon Vincent “Buddy” Cianci, former Governor and convicted felon Edward DiPrete. I don’t think being a felon is a disqualifier.
South Carolina:
James Brown: The Godfather of Soul is the winner of the coveted, most famous South Carolina celebrity title. And I say he’s earned it.
If you’re not convinced, check out this video of "The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business." The kids do stop screaming, occasionally:
If he hadn’t already passed on, this man would surely be qualified to be our second historic black president. Come to think of it, he could have been our first. We blew it. Big time.
South Dakota:
January Jones: A wonderful choice and the second big win for Mad Men.
While not packin’ the double-barreled star “qualities,” if you get my drift, of her cast-mate and last week’s winner of the Idaho title, Christina Hendricks, Jan has had us spellbound in her role as Mad Men’s ice queen, Betty (Draper) Francis. Since the divorce and marriage to NY Governor flunky, Henry Francis, her role appears to have been reduced to annoying Don over the children and the house. Will we see her in Season 5???
So, if January is axed in season 5, who will we chose to represent South Dakota next year? Well, my vote goes to Pirates of the Caribbean star and Harley Davidson model, Moses J. Brings Plenty. What about you?
Tennessee:
Justin Timberlake: Justin’s cute and all, butt I haven’t felt the same thrill up my frame (H/T Ms.NBC’s Chris “Tingles” Matthews) since the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. What was the deal with that velcro “D” cup thingy anyway? And about that pierced, silver borg-nipple thingie? Eeee-ouch!
I think you see my point.
There are a boat load of great choices from the Volunteer State (For the record, we here at the Big White are all about volunteering! That’s volunteering you - to do stuff. For free. Or in the case of Obamacare, not so free.) If you wanted to stay in the music genre, why not the Queen of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin? Or, if you're looking for more of a Nashville sound, then how about Minnie Pearl, Eddie Arnold, Dolly Parton or Chet Atkins? Feelin’ mellow? How about Isaac Hayes?
Butt the grand daddy of Tennessee, the obvious choice, and my personal pick would be the guy who was born on a mountaintop in Tennessee, raised in the woods so he knew every tree and ‘kilt him a ‘bar, when he was only three. Yup, I’m talkin’ about Estes Kefauver! No, I’m kidding… Davy Crocket!
And I know… you’re disappointed that I didn’t cover Tennessee’s most famous celebrity: co-subject of Erich Segal’s book, Love Story, inventor of the interweb and co-inventer of the catastrophic climate change religion and cash cow, Albert Arnold “Algore” Gore.
Butt, he’s just too easy.
Let’s give it up for Gaia, people! I don’t hear you!
See what I mean?
Texas
Wes Anderson: Cute isn’t he? Know who he is? Me either.
Texas is home to: three former presidents -Dwight D. Eisenhower, Lyndon Baines Johnson and George W. Bush, former First Ladies Lady Bird Johnson and Laura Bush, historical figures Sam Houston and Jim Bowie and noted philanthropist Imma Hogg. Ok, there was no way Ms. Hogg was going to win.
Can you imagine Lady M at the award ceremony: “And tonight people, all Texans are celebrating because Imma Hogg…” We’re just not going there.
There is no end to the list of great Texans I could mention, and you would have heard of every one…and UPI gives us Wes Andreson?? I did a little research on Wes. I had to go to Al Gore’s interweb, because my “Famous Texans” pak had lots of “Wes’” and lots of “Andersons”, butt unexpectedly, no “Wes Andersons.”
Anyhoo, here’s what I found: Wes graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in Philosophy. Well, at least it’s not some program that ends in “Studies”, like “Gender Studies” or “Comparative Studies Studies.” His big break came in 2007 when he “oversaw” a series of ground breaking commercials for AT&T: "College Kid", "Reporter", "Mom", "Architect", "Actor" and "Businessman." Memorable.
Ok - cut to the chase, he also made some movies. I liked The Royal Tenenbaums. Butt seriously, I would have picked somebody else.
Maybe hunky Governor Rick Perry…
Utah
Jewel: Did you know Jewel was from Utah? I didn’t either. I thought she was from Alaska.
No matter where she’s from, I wholeheartedly approve of her selection for the Beehive State! Man, something’s wrong here. I seem to be approving of way too many of UPI’s picks. Maybe I’d better think about this Jewel thing for a minute.
According to my files, Jewel was born in Payson, Utah, butt spent most of her young life in Homer, Alaska living with her father,Atz Kilcher.Their home didn’t have indoor plumbing, just an outhouse (eeeeeewwwwwww!) Jewel and her father sometimes earned a living by singing in bars and taverns. That’s where she learned to yodel too, a skill that not enough hot young singers have anymore.
Dewey tells me that Jewel learned to play the guitar while at the Interlochen Arts Academy in Interlochen, Michigan, where she majored in operatic voice. Hey Wes… Jewel majored in Opera! Philosophy…sheesh.
She started writing songs at the age of 16. So, it looks like Jewel could have been the Michigan celebrity too. Instead of that bloated fat-ball Michael Moore-gravy! I’m still cheesed about that one.
OK, I’m sold. Jewel’s in. Butt if she wasn’t I’d have to pick from one of Utah’s famous non-political class outlaws: Robert LeRoy Parker (aka Butch Cassidy), Harry Alonzo Longabaugh (The Sundance Kid) and many more. I can see why they made-up new names for themselves. Can you imagine “Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head” as the soundtrack to “Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Alonzo Longabaugh?”
Sitting (l to r): Harry A. Longabaugh (the Sundance Kid), Ben Kilpatrick (the Tall Texan), Robert L.Parker (Butch Cassidy)Standing (l to r): Will Carver (News Carver) and Harvey Logan (Kid Curry)
Vermont
KT Tunstall: Nothing against you KT, butt you’re Scottish! If Alf is disqualified, then so are you. Besides, I have a favorite Vermonter. No, not Bob Newhart. My all-American pick:
“Captain Kangaroo”, Bob Keeshan
My second choice for celebrities from Vermont would be Mark Steyn. No, wait a minute - he’s from New Hampshire. And Scotland. Never mind.
Virginia:
Chris Brown!??? OUT OF THE QUESTION. No way is this misogynist, convicted woman beater going to represent any state in my union! Let alone the great state of Virginia.
I am exercising the authority vested in me as the Mirror Of The United States and awarding the most famous celebrity from the great state of Virginia title to:
Thomas Jefferson!
Chris Brown!!!!??????? Did you a-holes at UPI see what he did to Rihanna? This one might cheese me off more than the Michigan pick.
Chris Brown? Are you kidding me?
Washington
Kenny G: Well thank goodness. After that last one, I need to mellow out a little. Do I still seem a little on edge to you? Maybe I’d better play a Kenny G tune…
I love Kenny G’s music and I think he is a fine pick for the Evergreen State. He’s cute, mellow and his music really irritates the sophisticated jazz snobs. Don’t get me wrong, I love Coltrane too, butt there’s nothing wrong with chilling to some smooth jazz with an adult beverage in the wee small hours. I’ll be back in a few minutes…
Ahhhh…smooth…melllloooooowwwww…like listening to Barry White breathing…
OK, back to work. Who else hails from North California? Well, there’s Kenny G’s musical alter egos, Jimi Hendrix (RIP) and Kurt Cobain (RIP). Then there’s Bing Crosby, Kenny Loggins, Dale Chihuly, Glenn Beck, Spook Hunter, Darren “Kolchak” McGavin, Adam West (the original Batman), Bill “I Hate Microsoft” Gates and last, butt certainly not least, dedicated Apple user and our own American Digest publisher and author, Gerard Vanderleun. Butt Curse you Gerard! I still can’t get that damn picture off my hard drive! I’m going to have to call a hazmat team for cleanup.
West Virginia
Mary Lou Retton: If you don’t love that UPI picked cute as a button, Mary Lou Retton to represent West Virginia, well, you don’t have a heart. The only thing I would change is her last name…to Button, just to make her even cuter. I will say that her Pop was on the right track when he changed the family surname to Retton from “Rotunda.”
This perky pick might just give West Virginia the boost it needs to get through Big Guy’s plan to bankrupt the state’s coal industry and throw everybody in the Mountain State out of work. It’s not personal, it’s just that Big Guy hates coal, mining, capitalism, the private sector and, well, just about everything else about America except his historic election.
In the event that Mary Lou can not complete her duties as Most Famous West Virginia Celebrity, I would have nominated WV native Don Notts (RIP). Even if he was still with us, I’m not sure he would have been able to accept the title because I understand he also was going to be Big Guy’s choice to head up our new civilian security force, which will be just as powerful, just as strong and just as well funded as the US military.
So, I guess I’d nominate a famous West Virginian who, it seems to me, fits in perfectly with our political class here in DC:
Wisconsin:
Orson Welles: Big win for a big man! I totally love this unexpected pick. Our Big White celebrity advisors were caught off guard by the Welles selection too. Orson beat their expectations with fewer than expected Americans still holding a grudge for scaring their pants off with that “War of the Worlds” radio stunt in 1938. Also beating the experts forecast was the number of Americans who have a favorable opinion of his Mercury Theater.
I’m glad that UPI avoided the easy pick of celebrity R-word Governor, Scott Walker. They just got the capital building cleaned up from the last time Scotty was in the news, and I don’t think the cheese-heads can afford another Servpro response team.
One controversy they can’t avoid however, is the title of “Birthplace of the Republican Party.” The title is claimed by both Ripon, Wisconsin and Jackson, Michigan. I will once again invoke the powers invested in me as the Mirror Of The United States to deem that Jackson, Michigan is the actual home of the “Birthplace of the Republican Party.” I’m taking this drastic action to provide reparations for the shame inflicted upon Michiganders, or Michiganians – whatever - by the choice of Michael Moore-blubber as their most famous celebrity. And because Dewey From Detroit lives there.
Wyoming:
Matthew Fox: Yes, Matt, He’s watching you.
OK, I’ve been waiting for another boy-toy, butt why did it have to come in the home state of my all-night poker & cigar party buddy, the real Dick Cheney?
Nothing wrong with Matt, except that it appears he hasn’t done anything since his roles in the now cancelled series, Lost. So it appears that he, along with 14 million other Americans, is enjoying the fruits of Big Guy’s second summer of recovery. Just another “unexpected” uptick in the first time unemployment filers. Thanks a lot, George W. Bush!
In addition to my BPPCSB (Best Poker Playing Cigar Smoking Buddy) Dick Cheney, the Cowboy State is home to such notables as Jackson Pollock, Curt Gowdy, and the only famous Wyoming person other than the real DC I would even consider for the title: William Frederick “Buffalo Bill” Cody. Full disclosure: Little Mo’s great uncle, “Cowboy” George Schwemley was the only Jewish cowboy documented to have performed in the “Buffalo Bill Wild West Show.” So I should turn my back on family?
Anyway, I would keep “Cowboy” George Schwemley in the running, butt he really belongs in the Colorado competition. It was there that he made home camp and owned and operated a productive silver mine, supplying ore to the Denver mint until we stopped using precious metals in our coins and instead, based the value of our currency on the wisdom of the Federal Reserve. OMG! Do you think it’s too late to buy gold?
Anyhoo, my selection for Wyoming is, not surprisingly, the real Dick Cheney.
I always felt safe when Dick was in the Big White and I miss him every day. I still enjoy my 4 times/year cross country road trips with overnight stops in Cheyenne, where I get together with DC. He drives down from Jackson (hey, that’s another reason to award the R-word birthplace title to Jackson) and we play poker, smoke cigars and eat char-grilled steaks all night. I am saddened that our traditional watering hole and the Cattleman’s restaurant in the once grand Cheyenne Hitchin’ Post Inn has been closed, burned to the ground (suspiciously) and demolished. The halls of the historic Inn were adorned with the photos of every member of every Wyoming legislature since achieving statehood. Even before the fire, the place had fallen on hard times (one of the reasons the fire is considered “suspicious.”) Just another hapless victim of Big Guy’s economic circumstances.
I hate to end our review of UPI’s 50 of our 57 states celebrity extravaganza on a down note, so I’ll offer this: There’s still 7 to go! And as soon as I figure out the who-what-and-where, I’ll be back to present them to you with the insightful commentary and snark you’ve come to expect.
So for now, from the Washington DC bureau, this is MOTUS, signing off.
I’m sorry, butt ever since reflecting that image of Hilz yesterday my hard drive keeps scanning files: it’s sort of what I do to recharge - in lieu of REM sleep. Think of it as virtual memory dreaming.
Anyway, instead of “dreaming” pleasant images that refresh and restore, I’m having the computer equivalent of nightmares. All of my normally soothing Read-Only-Memories seem to be matched with, uh, extraneous, memories that are, to say the least, not refreshing. I’m not sure how to interpret these “dream” images. See for yourself, and let me know what you make of these images from my ROM:
Rockin’ jeans with Sarah:
Rockin’ yellow with one of the lesser Michelles:
Rockin’ purple with Kate:
Rockin’ the belted coat with Carla:
I’d cinch that up a notch there C!
Butt the worst was yet to come, a turn to the really dark side. I slipped into totally uncharted territory, “dreaming” Lady M morphed into Serena Williams. And that, my friends, is a nightmare whether you are REM –ing of ROM-ing. Behold, then, the “Serena Williams: compare and contrast” portfolio:
“Put your entire trunk into it, and let the force be with you!”
“Step out of the limo feet first and no one gets hurt”
Rockin’ a pose with a lesser celebrity.
Rockin’ the “angry black woman” meme.
Rockin’ our pink dress that was suddenly, and surprisingly, tight all over.
It happened so fast, we didn’t even know what was happening.
And, thankfully, the last image in the nightmarish portfolio:
Packin’ our trunk for a very, very long trip.
Seriously, I don’t understand this at all. As far as I know, we don’t even own a pair of Loboutins. So if any of you have experience with dream analysis, let me know because I’ve got to get some rest.
And I know you’re all upset about the way the debt ceiling talks have been going. Butt believe me, you’re not as upset as Big Guy. I had to move little Bo into witness protection again.
I just don’t seem to have recovered enough backup power to report on yesterday’s meetings and press conference, so Dewey said he would work on it and submit a report this afternoon. I’ll let you know as soon as it is available. In the meantime, stay strong, and pray for a break in this heat wave. Maybe that will help chill my circuits.
H/T to Clarice, one of our own who – as Breeze pointed out on Thursday – is now famous!
Lady M took to the road for a very hot day of campaigning thankin’ and appreciatin’ military families. First we hit the day camp at Oceana Naval Station in Virginia Beach where Lady M spent the morning painting stage sets, watching kids perform a scene from the musical "Annie" and reading her favorite book, "Where the Wild Things Are." Oh yes, and dancing - we always dance with the children – to work the “wiggles out.” Theirs, not ours.
Who’s the b@tch trying to cheese in on Lady M’s signature style? Oh, it’s a skirt not a boob belt. OK, nevermind.
And then we went to a special screening of the new Harry Potter movie. Hard to believe we crammed all of this into a less than 2 hour visit isn’t it? Needless to say, we split as soon as the lights went down.
We had to move on to Fayetteville, N.C. to build a house for homeless women veterans. Because we really appreciate them too, you know?
Lady M arrives, signaling that she’s ready to “raise the roof” and put a few “finishing touches” on the Extreme Makeover. The house that is, not Lady M’s.
Ty Pennington cannot believe his good fortune, being this close to greatness
Ty, the show’s host, said one of the reasons Lady M came was because of the greenhouse they built in the back yard: in order to grow healthy vegetables because I think they might have built the house in the middle of one of those food deserts.
Chickaboomer has local footage of a preview to the official airing of the Extreme Makeover episode in what she calls a “three-fer” for Lady M:
(1) There's a green house in back appealing to Michelle's do what I say not what I do diet. (2) The house will house homeless female vets which segues nicely into (3) Mrs. Obama's focus on military families with Fort Bragg and Pope Air Force Base conveniently nearby.
Meeting Navy Vet, Barbara Marshall, who Lady M really admires and appreciates, at her new house in the food desert.
Everything went pretty well yesterday, despite the heat, until we got a special message on our iPhone. Harry the Pimp IM’d Lady M that Big Guy was about to fall for the oldest Democrat trick in the budget book, only in reverse: agree to cut spending now, and promise to look for additional revenues in the future. Harry’s message said something like “ tell him it’s raise taxes now, and promise spending cuts later, the dumb ass!” Sorry, butt I’m just the messenger here. Lady M immediately called Big Guy and reamed him a good one. Shortly thereafter,John Boehner called el Rushbo’s show to tell him there was no deal, and JJ mouthed the same words to the supportive press. So there.
All in all, not a bad day, although the humidity did leak into my circuit board and distort my vision for the rest of the day. I thought I was mis-imaging this picture of Hillary when I was updating my hard drive at the end of the day, butt as it turned out, she’s just been under a lot of stress lately. Even so, when you leave Big Fur Hat speechless you might want to check in for an extreme makeover of your own.
H/T to Gerard @ American Digest, who cursed me with this image. Finding something like this in your email in the middle of the night is worse than looking under your bed. Anyway, he was just trying to help by putting things in perspective, and suggested that I lighten up because in an alternative universe, my lenses may have been even more, uh, spatially challenged:
Butt I blame it on the heat wave. And stress. Some women get debilitating migraines under stress, others just dress crazy. The only difference is you can take triptans to abort a migraine (believe me, I know), butt even I can’t always abort complete fashion disasters. Especially in this heat.
BTW, just to get things rolling on the “Who Does Hill Remind You of contest”, I offer this as a possibility - with apologies to Hillary fans:
Alf
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