Problems Solved: Check!

It’s kind of a slow news day here in the Big White and what news there is, isn’t what we like to hear. Big Guy is doing so many U-turns, that he’s making me dizzy.

First, just as we start to pander to embrace our Christian brothers & sisters, our policies turn around and bite us in the butt.

Big Guy would have doubled down and bullied the Bishops into submission, butt then our mooselim brothers (sisters don’t count in sharia), who named their “religion” after the concept of submission (you not them) are threatening to turn on us too.

Catholics might excommunicate you, butt mooselims have a harsher way for dealing with people who disagree with them. AND, now it looks like that pesky, out of date Constitution is blocking our path once again.

Second, it turns out you ungrateful, selfish small people out there haven’t been very forthcoming with your “$3 or more” individual donations to help us win another 4 years, which we so deserve. I know part of the problem is Axeman hasn’t distributed those pre-paid MasterCards that The Guy Behind the Curtain supplies, so you have to send us your own money, and you ingrates would rather buy milk and hamburger for the kids. Haven’t you heard about our expanded food stamp program?

I’ll stop listing issues here, because our total list of problems challenges would take more bandwidth than is available on the interweb –don’t even get me started on that one. Anyhoo, no President in history could solve all these problems during an election year, except Big Guy. And he leapt into action yesterday, did a U-turn and ordered Kathipotamus to prepare a memo with three compromise positions for him to choose from, that will exempt religious organizations from his unconstitutional compassionate birth control mandate.

He will then place his check mark in the box next to the option he likes best that is most compassionate, thereby pulling his huevos out of the hot burning sand solidifying the union with our Christian brothers & sisters and our mooselim brotherhood brothers. Problem one solved: CHECK!

Next Big Guy moved to solve our WTF-2012 money problems challenges. He explored the option of issuing an Executive order mandating that all US citizens, documented or un-documented, send a check for $3.00 or more to Obama-Biden 2012, or pay a tax of $10,000. We figured everybody would opt for the 3 buck option. Butt then, our legal beagles started talking about that stupid Constitution again and he had to scrap that plan. At least until we can get a couple more elite, forward thinking legal scholars like Ruth Bader Ginsburg appointed to our Supremes. To cut to the chase, Big Guy did another U-turn and ordered Administration and campaign staff to fundraise for Priorities USA Action, a super PAC backing Team-Obama. This should have us swimming in shekels in no time.

Campaign Commissar, Jim Messina then sent out an email blast announcing the decision and attached his essay, “We will not play by two sets of rules.” DUH! Like everybody already knows that we play by Chicago rules! I won’t bore you with an analysis of Messy’s treatise because I’m sure you got your own copy in you email this morning. Problem two solved: CHECK!

I’ll have to hurry to get this Lady M update in, because we’re going shopping for outfits to wear when the Giants come to Big White. Turns out Eli Manning’s little woman may be more trouble than Giselle.

Eli and the Tramp

She’s not a super-hot Brazilian supermodel, butt she is quite a hottie. It’s going to be a long shopping day to get our game on for that.

Also, it turns out that Giselle may be more in tune Lady M than we ever imagined. Not from a “structural” point of view, butt more alike in attitude.

It seems Mrs. Tom Brady was not amused by all the dropped passes hubby threw to his receivers Sunday, especially in the critical 4th quarter when Wes Welker, Aaron Hernandez and Deion Branch all had critical cases of butterfingers.

"You (have) to catch the ball when you're supposed to catch the ball," Gisele Bundchen said. "My husband cannot [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."

Sounds a lot like lady M to me too, only she’s an angry Brazilian woman, not an angry, well, you know.

Do not drop the ball this year! Do you hear me?!?

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, Thanks!

Win Won For the Gypper!

The Pre-game Show is over:

The Super Bowl is over

Madonna is sooo over:

What does it all mean?

Apparently, it means that Big Guy deserves 4 more years to WTF. I base that conclusion on Big Guy’s pre-game interview where - despite suggesting in an interview three years ago that if he didn’t turn the economy around in three years, his presidency was going to be a “one-term proposition.’ - he told Matt last night that, “I deserve a second term” because “We’ve made progress.” And that progress resulted in a surprisingly robust jobs report last Friday.

That unexpectedly good jobs report showed unemployment dropped to 8.3%! (Up only .7% from the Super Bowl 3 years ago! That’s progress.). In order to get to that robust number however, we had to tweak our labor participation rate (LPR) a little.

Wow! We tweaked it all the way down to 64%!! That’s the lowest LPR since 1984!  That’s good, right?

So when Big Guy say’s we’ve made progress and things are going in the right direction, I guess he means that…we’ve got fewer people available to work? So our unemployment rate goes down?  With a shrinking workforce? That’s good?

Let’s analyze, using the NFL as an example.

Let’s say the  “labor participation rate” of 100% for the NFL on any given Sunday is 45 players: the number each team is allowed to bring to the game. Now let’s say the NFL Commissioner determines that the teams need to post better revenue numbers for the season, so he requires each team to cut their player roster by 36%. He determined that if every team dropped any player who hadn’t played in the last 3 games, they would easily reach the new NFL “LPR” of 64%, or 29 players.

So there you go: numbers up, players down, everything’s good, right?

Except of course for the 16 guys on every team who don’t have anywhere to go on Sundays anymore, who are going to lose their home since they don’t get a paycheck from the team anymore, have exhausted their unemployment benefits and don’t have a retirement program because they didn’t play long enough to qualify. And now that they’re hopelessly out of shape, they find out they’ve been disappeared through the mathamagicals of Obamanomics.

We just better HOPE that Brady and Manning stay healthy in the upcoming season because their backup quarterbacks were part of the “labor participation rate” reduction program.

Now let’s get out there and Win Won for the Gypper!

The Gypper says: Playing fair means playing by the rules (Chicago rules)

Linked By: motherbelt on News Busters, Thanks!

Game Day Special: Strike a Pose

We’re scrapping the big Super Bowl party this year. Instead of celebrities from coast to coast and politicians form one side of the aisle to…well, one side of the aisle, we’ll just be enjoying the game as a family this year.

They plan to “watch the Super Bowl together as a family in their home,” a White House official told ABC News of the Obamas. No further explanation was given.

I don’t want to mislead you though. It’s not that we’re not having a Super Bowl Party (with a few close friends and family members who shall remain nameless because every time we mention “Eric Holder” any more, red flags go up), we sooo are. It’s just that Big Guy takes his football pretty seriously, and previous guests did not.

He got tired of schmoozing with the rude guests who found it perfectly acceptable to continue kibitzing even after the play action began. That’s a no-no. Football is a religion around here.

Praying to the pigskin

It used to be the only religion around here, butt that was before Big Guy discovered the power of Touchdown Jesus ® with a certain segment of the voting public.

Listen, Jesus wants you to shut up once the game starts, OK?

I don’t think anyone should feel bad about not being invited to game day though, since being at the Big White for the Super Bowl may be like being on the cover of Sports Illustrated:

Jennifer Lopez and ex-husband Marc Anthony attended last year.

Soooo last year. I thought that one would be forever.

Ex-Senator Arlen Spector: attended in 2009. We can’t afford to lose anymore of our Demo-RINO friends.

Big Guy isn’t picking a favorite (publically) butt he was relieved when the Patriots beat the Broncos. He was afraid that with Madonna doing the halftime show he might be pressured into “striking a pose” if that Tebow kid was playing.

Like a virgin, only not so much. Kind of like Big Guy being a Christian.

Not that anyone is really religious around here, butt some were a little squeamish about actually letting Big Guy get down on one knee to “Tebow.”  Since we are pandering to Christians now, there was quite a bit of discussion over whether this pose would be well received or not. Some thought it would play well to our new-found Christian constituency.  Others advised against it, arguing that we should cover our bets and not invite God to strike us sorry. You know, just in case He does exist? And He is paying attention.

 Unlike impersonating Al Green, this move could result in unintended consequences

And when they saw the poll that said if the election were held today, Tim Tebow would be Tebowing all over Big Guy, they dropped the idea all together.

Butt we’re still not in the clear. Rumor has it that uber-hunky Tom Brady has political ambitions, is secretly an R-word AND obviously, a Patriot!

 Tom with his Mom & Pop yesterday

Worst of all, if the Patriots win, they’ll be invited to the Big White and Lady M will have to stand next to Giselle.

And she’s such a show off

She can’t hold a candle to MO when it comes to going out for a long pass however:

 

You probably want to know what we’re serving for the big game. It’s probably pretty much what you’re having too: guac and dip. Only ours will be “You know nachos… [made with] fresh tomato sauce…on sort of a good quality tortilla." Also, burgers: Kobe of course. With bacon and foie gras. Hot dogs – gourmet. Pizza (not sure, butt I think we’re flying Wolfgang in to make some of those special Spago pies he’s so famous for)

And good news: there’s still time to get your official Obama Game-day party pack delivered by 4:00 pm EST! Coasters and official Joey B can holders for your adult malt beverage or delicious sugary soda! All for only a $15 donation to WTF 2012. Butt wait!!! There’s more. We’ll even throw in the first family’s famous chili recipe! The first family has never actually made it, butt it’s now historical.

Anyway, do NOT underestimate the importance of football in a Presidential election year. You do so at your own peril. It’s often the difference between a successful run…

and a fumble:

Because remember: in the liberal mind looking like a winner is pretty much the same thing as actually winning. See? Doesn’t BO look like a real Heisman trophy winner?

Strike a pose, Big Guy: it worked last time.

OFF TOPIC ALERT:

I know this is totally O/T, butt I have to tell you about the great news I got last night! I have been admitted as a proud member of the the People’s Cube’s Gulagosphere! Another historic first!

My nomination letter was sent just yesterday morning:

As the official Mirror Of The United States (MOTUS) in the most Socialist administration in American history, I believe I have earned a place in the Gulagosphere .

United in the struggle,

MOTUS

"We are on correct path comrades" (Vereteno)

Ok, so I nominated myself, butt as Little Mo is constantly reminding me, “if you don’t toot your own horn, who will?”

Anyhoo, I’m so giddy I could wet my pants, if I wore pants. I got my notification email  at 9:07 PM EST last night. It reads:

You have done well, comrade Mirror! 

MOTUS is now officially a proud member of the Gulagosphere. You can wear that badge with honor.

 
Vigilantly yours,

Warden of the United States (WOTUS)

So now I have a new badge over in my side bar on the “right.”  I wonder if I will have to move it to the left side???

“We are on correct path comrades” (Vereteno)

Visas, Volts and Cheeky Ads

Do you remember the Google+ “hangout” discussion that Big Guy had last week with Jenifer Wedel? She’s the wife of the semiconductor engineer whose been out of work now for 3 years?  She asked BO why the government is still issuing and extending so many H-1B visas to aliens when there are tons of skilled Americans like her husband still out of work.

I don’t think Big Guy’s staffers did a very good job briefing him on this visa issue: he thought all an alien needed to get a job here was a social security number. And they’re certainly easy enough to get:

More…

Heck Big Guy himself has at least 3!

His staff swears they briefed him adequately for this carefully prescreened question butt he was apparently distracted by other presidential duties at the time.

A little more your way; I don’t want the sun in my eyes when I catch a little shuteye.

Anyway, Jennifer’s question  was addressing Big Guy’s comment in his SOTU speech about issuing MORE H-1B visas to keep foreign hi-tech students here in the States after graduating. He seems to think we don’t have enough qualified workers of our own. So Jennifer’s question didn’t compute in Big Guy’s big brain, and an awkward conversation followed.

Anyway, I’m not saying that Big Guy doesn’t understand the whole green card/off-shore controversy; just that maybe he could stand to brush up a bit on a few of the details. Like the ones that effect jobs. And the American economy.

I don’t know why one of his super-smart staffers can’t write one of those “classic 3 box con memos” so Big Guy can just check a box and solve this vexing issue once and for all. If they had done this, Big Guy’s $50 billion auto company might not have awarded their $3 billion advertising account to an off-shore firm. I don’t have any idea what they were thinking, because all you have to do is watch one episode of Mad Men to know that Madison Avenue practically invented advertising!

Advertising: the art of making something…from nothing.

All I can assume about GM’s move to an overseas ad agency is that they were really impressed by this vintage cheeky wide-body AMC ad that I posted the other day…

They’re hoping that the Aegis agency can produce something equally hot and sexy for the Volt: our car company’s sexy new plug in coal-powered car.

Here’s one of their story boards currently under consideration:

“Why grip the pole when you can drive with coal?”     

H/T curmudgeonly and skeptical via Gerard

We’ve apparently already tried doing our own ads in-house:

“This isn’t just the car we wanted to build, it’s the car America had to build.” SERIOUSLY!?!?!            (H/T: Chicks on the Right)

So far the ad hasn’t generated the kind of results we hoped for: not only are the Volts still not flying off the lots, now we can’t even get the dealers to stock them. Hence the last ditch off-shore effort to develop a new ad campaign.

And if that doesn’t work, we’ve still got one surefire shot left in our barrel.  We’re going to have Nancy introduce the Victory Over Legacy Transportation act (VOLT) in the House, and Harry introduce the Clean-Renewable Automobile Program (CRAP) in the Senate to address both the rising cost of cars and the problem of excess usage of gasoline. The bills will mandate that all Americans purchase a G(overn)M(ent) Volt (and a fire extinguisher) or a similar clean electric vehicle every 3 years. Failure to comply will result in the imposition of a “dirty transportation” tax of $10,000 per year. The tax will be waived when you stop defying/resisting Big Guy’s CRAP.

And don’t forget, if you buy one of Big Guy’s cars today, he and your fellow taxpayers will give you a $7500 (middle class) tax credit towards the purchase of your own $45,000 car that, according to Eric Bolling, gets about 30 mpg!

Wow! It’s great being part of Big Guy’s special team. It’s sort of like having a friend with privileges.

Linked By: sb on Weasel Zippers, and NOBO2012 on Chicks on the Right, Thanks!

WWJD? WTF?

RETURN TO DefCon 1: Little Mo has returned us to DefCon 1. We can now stand down as it appears everything is back to normal. Whew!

In what was a busy news day, the annual D.C. Prayer Breakfast still took front and center:

 MO and BO: they came to play pray

This year presented yet another big historic presidential first for Big Guy: Yes, yesterday marked the day that the D.C. Prayer Breakfast jumped the shark. Wading into the  previously non-partisan sea of faith, BO parted the waters into a Red Sea and a Blue Sea; injecting political partisanship into what has historically been an opportunity to thank the Lord for the blessings of the prior year, and pray for his guidance in the upcoming one.

Fomenting class warfare into the last acceptable gathering of religious and political leaders allowed in Washington: that’s one way to fundamentally CHANGE America!

I guess those 20 years in Reverend Wright’s church pews finally paid off. Just as it appears that we might have to pander to Christians to lock up our win this year, Big Guy has conveniently re-discovered  his Black Liberation Theology Christian faith. He had totally forgotten that it supported his populist position of taxing the rich in pursuit of social and economic justice. That is, until one of his political flacks  focus group strategists Christian outreach advisors reminded him.

“I actually think that is going to make economic sense, but for me as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus’s teaching that ‘for unto whom much is given, much shall be required,’”

“We can all benefit from turning to our Creator, listening to him,” Obama said. “Avoiding phony religiosity. … This is especially important right now when we’re facing some big challenges as a nation.”

By all means, let’s lose the “phony religiosity” getting in the way of dealing with our challenges. To fully appreciate the reality TV effect that Big Guy was going for in his remarks - achieved by leaving TOTUS home - you really have to watch the live action. That way you can see how humbly he refers to his notes to quote that famous line from the gospels:

Butt let’s not inject any more religion into what is clearly a secular political gathering: let’s go directly to the year-to-year fashion review. Here we are, left to right, at the prayer breakfast in 2009, 2010 and 2011.

2012, definitely the winner so far. We just seem to get better every year!

Looking back, you can see that we started our dental work way back in February of '09:

    

Workin’ on our choppers

We avoided smooches that year, and just sipped a little orange juice. By the 2010 Breakfast we were able to sit up and take a little nourishment. Feeling lovey again, MO gave BO a kiss of peace.

    And, as you see here, both Lady M and Bo passed this Pax on to San Fran Nan yesterday.

Remember Nan: “for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.” Now let’s get out there and win one for the Gipper!

So, now that we’ve settled on our newest campaign mantra (WWJD? WTF?) we’ll be incorporating Jesus’ support for class warfare into all future campaign speeches and playing the Christian Card at every whistle stop from here to November.

To wit, here’s Lady M yesterday, demonstrating how seamlessly that works in her video-remarks to a group of Big Guy supporters in Ohio, a very important state that – incredibly! - seems to be in play in this next round:

"We're here because our families worked hard to make sure that we had the opportunities that everyone should have.[ed. whether your family works hard or not?] Barack and I are both motivated by a desire to pay those blessings forward,"[ed. with your tax dollars]"Your president lives by the principle that to whom much is given, much is expected."[ed. that’s directly from the Bible!]

"Since the day that I've met my husband, I've watched him work tirelessly to try [to] make a difference in other people's lives. He does that because for him, all of this is all very personal. [ed. we know that]You know Barack's story," the first lady said. "Barack and I both watched our families work hard to make ends meet."

"That has been the direction of his choices through out his life," Obama said. "How can he use his blessings and his gifts to help as many people as possible." [ed. He has a gift, you know.]

"We are blessed to have someone not just of his intellectual caliber

Powered by TOTUS

but with such a strong grounding of values that all of us identify with

This month’s values brought to you by our Bitter Clingers and TOTUS

-- these basic American values that have made our country great and will continue to make us the strongest country in the world," the first lady said.

Obama's remarks came at the end of a conference call designed to motivate and engage Ohio activists, as the president and his team hone in on issues of economic fairness [as defined by OWS] and the revitalization of the American manufacturing sector.

I am so looking forward to the campaign season. I have a feeling our wardrobe might not be the only high note this time around.

Obama 2012, Our Savior in Chief

"With due respect to the president, he ought to stick to public policy. I think most Americans would agree that the gospels are concerned with weightier matters than effective tax rates.” Senator Orin Hatch