The Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria: Just Like Columbus, Boatloads of Gold Arrive From Across the Pond.

It’s the federal holiday previously known as Columbus Day, so there’s not much going on around town. Because Big Guy and Elizabeth Warren are charter members of the First Peoples anti-colonialist coalition, we’ve decided to follow Brown University’s lead and rename the second Monday in October “Fall Holiday.” We don’t have anything planned for the event, butt Lady M will be sporting her annual “Fall Holiday” costume anyway.

“We’re all Fauxcahontos now”

In case you were wondering, the fundraisers were a huge success yesterday. First a private soiree at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s house for a dozen of our biggest bundlers (who shall remain nameless for their own protection), then on to the cheap seats ($250) “30 Days to Victory” concert at the Nokia Theatre in Hollywood, where Katy Perry performed:

Definitely got the memo on appropriate First Peoples “Fall Holiday” attire

Among thousands of other stars and donors were two very lucky ladies who just happened to be from two battleground states: they were the winners of the “Meet TWO Presidents” campaign sweepstakes! Imagine the thrill of being in the same room with both those guys!

“Ah swear to you, Buddy, Katy said she was wearing her blue hair tonight too!”

Katy, bedazzled in cobalt

After that pit stop, we moved right along to the really big money ($25,000/plate) at Wolfie’s “WP24” which stands for “Wolfgang Puck, 24th floor of the Hollywood Ritz Carlton.” If Big Guy had a restaurant it would look just like that, only it would be named after himself of course:

BO1600: serving only locally sourced organic produce and Wagu beef

From there, it’s on to San Fran for Big Guy to pick up more bags of gold (almost $7 million just yesterday!) at a $20,000/plate dinner. It sure costs a lot to run a campaign these days. The good news is despite that little slip up in Denver we’re still on track to raise the $1 billion Messina promised, despite all the whining and crying wolf. I guess it worked.

Just don’t ask where it came from. Apparently solicitation of and contribution by foreign nationals is illegal in America! Who knew? Butt since I understand it looks like we’re going to hit our goal anyway we are planning to save money by shutting down our offices in Beijing, Mumbai, Singapore, Moscow and Saudi Arabia anyway. It’s sort of like closing our embassy in Syria, it just seems the prudent thing to do now.

And speaking of the campaign, you won’t be seeing Joey B on the trail for a few days even though he is the gift that keeps giving. Apparently he’s being punished for Big Guy’s poor showing in Denver and has been sent to his room to cram for his own debate – not that he needs it any more than Big Guy.

“Don’t worry Big Guy, I’ve got your back.”

Lady M will hit the trail running again tomorrow to re-tell her love story with Buhrock for the umpteenth time, and remind people of all the wonderful things he’s done since he got to Washington.

As Big Guy himself summed it up last night:

“We’re not finished yet. And I’m a big believer in closing the deal.”

“You will see me working as hard as I’ve ever worked for the next three years” he continued, before catching himself – “the next 30 days. It will seem like 3 years. And then you’ll see me working as hard as I ever had for the next four years.”

“You will see me working as hard as I’ve ever worked for the next three years”

“the next 30 days. It will seem like 3 years.

“And then you’ll see me working as hard as I ever had for the next four years.

 

h/t Doug Ross                          That’s the problem.

So don’t anybody let up just yet. There’s still time to turn this whole thing upside down. If Hugo can do, so can we! YES WE CAN!

Turn that old smirk frown upside down

Linked By: Clarice on JustOneMinute, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Date Night Devoured & TOTUS Debriefed

Since Lady M and Big Guy finally got around to celebrating their 20th anniversary yesterday at Bourbon Steak in the Georgetown Four Seasons. (Closed press: you really didn’t want to see the size of the steak and lobster required to make up for that debate debacle on our actual anniversary did you?)

House special: 32 ounce rib eye, with a handle! So you can eat it like a lollipop.

The happy couple began dinner with a lot little caviar and an iced bottle shot of Stoli while they reflected on how far they’ve come from that curb outside Baskin Robbins:

Today we’re getting ready to head out to Hollywood for a bagman stop to pick up a few more fists full of dollars from our fans. Due to post-debate jitters though, Big Guy and Lady M will mostly be assuring everyone that there is, indeed, a rainbow attached to the other end of their pot of gold.

Don’t worry Hollywood, you’ll get what you paid for.

Anyway, since I have to run, I’m turning today’s post over to TOTUS to bring you up-to-date on what turned out to be a pretty rough week all around. Over to you TOTUS:

Hi everybody, and thanks again to MOTUS for allowing me to clear the air.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much since Wednesday, but this has been the week from H-E-double-hockey sticks for me. I’m back at work scrolling Big Guy’s words for him on the campaign trail (have you noticed?) but I haven’t been feelin’ the love in Obama-town. Axe-man doesn’t blame me for the debate meltdown, but since Big Guy always needs someone to blame for his shortcomings, it’s going to take awhile for him to come around.

So I just sit quietly in my travel case most of the day. Team-O pulls me out, loads me up with Big Guy’s big read, I scroll them, Big Guy connects with his Obots and then it’s back in the case for me. Gone are the schmoozing days.

I’m not complaining; my case is nice, lined with memory foam, but it’s made of metal and the wifi signal in there is so low that I can’t even tweet to amuse myself.

I feel really bad about not being able to pull Big Guy’s chestnuts out of Romney’s roaster the other night, but it really wasn’t my fault. The plan was for me to hide behind the flag behind Mitt so he could read me while appearing to look directly into Mitt’s eyes. As it turned out, there was no flag. I suspect Republican dirty tricks; there’s always a flag!

Anyway the boys had to collapse me and slip me in behind Big Guy’s podium, but the shine on BO’s shoes bounced off my screen, making it impossible for him to read it. He kept shuffling his feet around trying to get a better view, to no avail.

Still the sharpest crease in town! (h/t: David Brooks)

Then the unimaginable happened:

Big Guy accidentally - I think - kicked me over!

There was no way Big Guy was going to take the blame, so we chalked it up to my clumsiness and I became, um, the fall guy, if you will. It’s ok, I’m a big boy and I know that’s the way this game is played. Axe-man told me not to worry, this too shall pass. He sent me out for a mercy Glass Waxing of my screens and de-fragged my hard drive. He’s going to tell Big Guy that “poor maintenance” was the real culprit. I hope it works because it’s getting lonely in here.

I want to thank all my fans who have been speaking up for me like Al Gore, who said Big Guy didn’t have enough oxygen or something, and even Rush Limbaugh said he heard that Big Guy was on Valium or Xanax:

But I have to give a special shout-out to one of Big Guy’s clo$e$t $upporter$ (and by clo$e$t, I mean a million times closer than anybody else), Bill Maher, who tweeted this out during the debate:

Support like that can’t be bought. Well, ok, it can be bought, but I sure can’t afford it.

I’m really glad I’ve got Axe-man on my side too. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s only because Axe-man knows that there is no POTUS without TOTUS. Do you guys remember that one? It used to be my blog motto. I miss my blog, so I’m grateful that MOTUS allows me to guest post here.

Anyway, Axe-man said he’d get me back in Big Guy’s good graces the Chicago way. I thought that meant it was going to cost me a pile of money, but the A-Man had another clever trick up his sleeve. He mobilized the young Badgers from the University of Wisconsin to blame the Debate Commission while voicing complete support for me:

It’s starting to work already. This morning, while the band of brothers was figuring out which of Mitt’s lies to talk about today, Big Guy asked, “What does TOTUS think we should say?” They pulled me out and Big Guy even gave me a wink!

We’re taking a few days off to work on our words and de-petulantize our demeanor (if that wasn’t a word before, it will be going FORWARD.) for our next big debate on October 16th. It’s a Town Hall format which is way more Big Guy’s style. The town meeting participants will be “undecided voters” selected by the Gallup Organization and I know - after Rickey’s Justice Department demonstrated who’s the boss around here - we can count on them to choose the right “undecided voters.” The participants will ask questions, provided to them by Chicago, on foreign and domestic issues. We’ll be loaded for bear!

Bear in mind: Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.

Candy Crowley (CNN Chief Political Correspondent) will be our moderator and we’ve been assured that there will be no repeat of Jim Lehrer’s failed performance.

I’ll be laying low next week. Which means I won’t be scrolling for JoeyB on Thursday so no matter what he says or does I’ll be in peak performance for Big Guy’s next debate:

 

 

This announcement paid for by Dreamworks, Paramount, Warner Brothers, TriStar, Miramax, Sony, Columbia, Lionsgate, MGM. (Special thanks to TriStar, for use of their mascot, Trigger)

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and Chickaboomer, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

How to make unemployment work for you!

Good news for Big Guy: Based on the newest household survey, unemployment dropped below 8% for the first time in 44 months!!!

To track this surprisingly robust recovery, we need to track the new Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) survey that has the talking heads all wagging their tongues. It seems nobody as yet has been able to rationally explain how the unemployment rate dropped when the number of new jobs created in September was lower than the number of new jobs created in August (which was also lower than the number of jobs created in July) and the overall number of unemployed Americans is higher than it was the month before.

The answer of course lies with “mathamagicals.” Mathamagicals let you take a bad news day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile:

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it.

So like Professor Jacobson said, it’s not going to be productive to talk about how Big Guy “cooked the books’ since the numbers speak for themselves.

Here’s the deal, nobody really thinks Big Guy would have a clue how to “cook the books” himself anyway. For that, he relies on his little people who determine the “methodology” being employed over at the BLS. I know, I know! “Butt MOTUS, all of the experts have weighed in saying either a) there’s no way to ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never written a computer model) or, b) there’s no way BLS would ‘cook the books’ (they’ve obviously never worked in a political hierarchy, public or private), so that can’t be it!”

Let’s just say where there’s a will, a cog in the wheel will find a way. And we’ve got lots of cogs. If you enjoy technobabble you can go directly to the Bureau of Labor Statistics website for an explanation.

Butt let’s not get wonky. Is it cooking the books if you revise the sampling and methodology to drive the desired result? I don’t know, you’d have to ask a scientific researcher for an answer to that.  Butt I can tell you WON or two of our little tricks; we can tweak the number of people landing in the “labor participation” pool just by how we pose the question “are you looking for work?”  This month for example, we focused on encouraging people who have been out of work for 12 months or more to re-classify themselves as “independent contractors.”  That sounds a lot better than “loser out of work for 12 months or more” don’t you think? So did many of the chronically unemployed so they chose option 3, “self-employed.”  It’s good for your self-esteem and we all know how important that is.

As many bloggers know, being Self-employed is better than unemployed:

Will blog for tips

So now we count all the currently unengaged consultants as self-employed, even if they’ve never booked one dime of revenue! Welcome to the President’s “molasses” recovery (I hope that’s not racist). At the rate were going, half of America will be “self-employed” by the end of Big Guy’s second term.

Please Help: become an unemployed independent consultant today

Because remember, unemployment masquerading as self-employment allows everybody to feel better about themselves, especially Big Guy.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

 

You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

So, for those of you who have switched over from politics to football for the season, let me frame this unemployment situation in more manly football terms: The old coach got fired after a 4 and 12 season and was replaced by a new coach who posted a 3 and 13 season his first year. The 2nd year, the team slipped to 2 and 14, and the 3rd year to 1 and 15. Butt in the 4th year of his leadership he manages to bring the team around to 4 and 12 and then argues that he should get another 4 year contract because he managed to get the team back to where they were when the old coach got fired. (h/t Frank Beckmann)

I smell victory, don’t you?

On another topic, I gather from your comments that most of you did not LOVE Lady M’s dress from the new Jason Wu collection?

At least it’s well ventilated: looks like the upholstery they use for those high-end autos with air conditioned seats

She just can’t please you people can she? I mentioned your concern with her timeless, seasonless bare guns and get her to wear a little mini-me as a nod to autumn in Cincinnati, and you’re still not happy.

It’s so hard to make everybody happy. I guess this just validates Lady M’s number one rule: it’s always best to just please yourself.

I’m just warning you though, if you keep criticizing her so unfairly I can’t be responsible for what she’s likely to do next.

Previous campaign trail retaliation

If you keep this up, next she’ll be channeling the Mary Tyler Moore Show too. Oh wait…

Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

This debate is not over until I say it’s over!

Some people credit Big Guy’s debate performance – or lack-there-of – to nothing more than a momentary brain fart.

My turn? I’ll take “Who killed Osama” for $5000, Jim.

Others think it was due to global warming or simply the fact that BO has to bear the weight of the world on his tiny little shoulders.

Regardless of the cause, Team Obama was right back in the game yesterday with all of the “wit of the staircase” they could muster. Being on the campaign trail meant we could still use all of those smart repartees, witty comebacks and clever turns of phrase that didn’t occur to BO while he was standing face to shoes with Mitt Romney.

Butt with the assistance of our Hollywood writers Big Guy was right back on the stump yesterday, staging a one-man do-over. Only this time he had TOTUS stand in for Romney:

Back in the game, back in his comfort zone; debating himself. And WINNING!

BO had dozens of smart sounding sound bites, most of which evolved around one crucial point directed at the Romney camp: “liar, liar pants on fire!”

Oh! And this just in to our news room - our first official October surprise (unless you count the debate): Unemployment falls to 7.8%. Some people call it a “shock” others call it a “fraud.” AP reports, you decide:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. unemployment rate fell to 7.8 percent last month, dropping below 8 percent for the first time in nearly four years. The rate fell because more people found work, a trend that could impact the presidential election.

The Labor Department says employers added 114,000 jobs in September. The economy also created 86,000 more jobs in July and August than first estimated. Wages rose in September and more people started looking for work.

The revisions show employers added 146,000 jobs per month from July through September, up from 67,000 in the previous three months. The unemployment rate fell from 8.1 percent in August, matching its level in January 2009 when President Barack Obama took office.

The decline could help Obama, who is coming off a disappointing debate against Mitt Romney.

Actually, it wasn’t really unexpected, we’ve been planning it all year. So although there were only 114,000 new jobs, there were 800,000 people who decided to sign up for those “work-at-home-part-time” jobs just last month! Or at least that’s the number we’re using, based on the Labor Department’s most current household survey.

And speaking of fashion blasts from the past, it’s true: Lady M wore (twice) recycled Preen at Wednesday’s debate:

I don’t know how he does it either! Butt doesn’t my hair look great?

Seen first in London, and then at one of our many I the Military events:

 

Butt as is common with Lady M’s fashion forward choices, another controversy has come up. This question landed in MOTUS’ Mailbag from Ellen: Is Lady M actually wearing the fashion forward jacket on this frock backwards?

The Historic Debate Continues

It would appear so; or is it just one more example of the brilliance of Team Obama - leading with our rear-end?

Linked By: BadBlue, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Obama debacle: not a good idea to believe your own press clippings

Let’s just say that it might have turned out better for Big Guy if Romney had chosen to debate an empty chair.

Chairman.vs.Empty Chair: there’s a reason it never gets old

Now are you beginning to understand what “above my pay grade” means? Apparently “Amateur” was more than just a good title for a book.

Some people expected the debate to be Harvard Law School vs. Harvard Business School. Unfortunately it turned out to be more like Harvard Business School vs. Community (organizer) College.

Real life is often just like school: the student who spends his days daydreaming instead of studying and preparing tends to flunk (or at least only get a B+) while the smart kid aces the test.

“I don’t see why we can’t just move this dam 1500 yards to the left.”

Let’s just say that last night was, in a word, extraordinary. Okay, two words: extraordinary and unexpected.

Even BO’s biggest fans expressed some concern over their boy’s (is that racist?) performance:

Yeah Andy, we know how much you and the rest of the “high info” State-run media “love the guy”

And TOTUS even got a shout-out!

Finally, late into the night, Twitter just completely shut down due to an outbreak of mass depression.

And poor Chrissy, over at Ms.NBC; he’s going to have to double up on his manic depressive drug of choice (if his liver can withstand it). No longer tingling; now he’s just tinkling – giving a brand new meaning to “trickledown government”

Since all of Big Guy’s plans to fundamentally transform America rely on people’s economic illiteracy, the irony of last night’s debate is that the Transformer-in-Chief showed himself to be the most economically illiterate person in the room. (That IS a TRANSFORMATION!)

If there’s still any doubt in your mind as to how BO did last night, look no further than the faces in the audience of his two chief “advisors”:

Mamma I and Big Mamma don’t look too happy with their boy’s performance

Part of the problem last night might have been that Big Guy was a bit distracted since it was his and Lady M’s 20th wedding anniversary (!) and they usually celebrate with a big date night.

Yeah, happy effing anniversary to you too!

If there’s a lesson to be had from last night’s debate debacle it’s this: never send an amateur to do a professional job.

Number 1 amateur mistake: believing your own press clippings.

And remember: past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Linked By: Doug Ross, and  Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and DeniseVB on The Crawdad Hole, and kaewa koyanga on facebook, and  BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!