Keep Carrying that Water: the Elephants need it.

Memories of a world filled with freaks and clowns, with wonder and pain and anger and passion; a world with its own narrow, irrational rules, its own way of life, and its own way of death. (snip) …everyone in this third-rate circus was lucky to have any job at all. - synopsis, Water for Elephants.

Lady M has turned her attention to another aspect of our life that needs governmental attention: water consumption. Accordingly, she launched a nationwide campaign yesterday in Watertown, WI.

(Lady M) through her "Let's Move!" initiative, and the Partnership for a Healthier America are bringing together a coalition from industry, entertainment, media and government to get behind the campaign.

The tagline of the campaign is deceptively simple — Drink Up.

“I said, ‘drink up’”

A release from Michelle Obama's office said that according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "More than 40% of Americans drink less than half of the recommended amount of water daily, and approximately one-fourth of children don't drink any water on any given day."

Some adults don’t drink any water either.

Sam Kass, the executive director of Let's Move!, said: "Our core messages are that drinking more water is the fastest and easiest choice that we can make every day. ...Water is the original energy drink. This is a really exciting, fun and very positive campaign that is really going to inspire people to drink more water."

Whatever

For example, did you know that playing sports outside in high temperatures without drinking adequate water can lead to dehydration? (signs: dry mouth, general disorientation)

Wow! Look at MO’s form! She should throw out the first ball for Big Guy.

In fact, even non-contact, indoors sports  like the Halo Toss requires proper hydration:

Lest you become delusional

Lack of water effects everything; your judgment, for example:

That’s funny, these gym clothes fit me perfectly this morning!

And bad judgment could lead you to chose all the wrong Forme Jacket Cuffins* for your activities:

• four-way stretch Luon® fabric wicks sweat away from post-practice skin
• fold over the cozy cuffins (cuff mittens - they're the best of both worlds) when your fingers get chilly
• dropped hem gives you more coverage in the rear
• secure zipper pockets for your phone, keys and cash
• thumbholes help your sleeves stay in place
• soft zipper garage helps keep your chin from getting chafed

Let’s just stipulate that four-way stretch anything on Lady M is a bad idea. Oh sure, it sounds like a good idea, what with those thumbholes to keep your sleeves in place. Butt unless there are big toe holes to hold your pants in place, I’m just telling you, they’re not a good idea for MO’s athletic build - if you catch my drift. Because if your clothes fit incorrectly (probably due to all that extra water weight) you will be uncomfortable, as will everyone around you.

Shaq: some people make you smaller 

There is an odd coalition of supporters for MO’s latest initiative; the Partnership for a Healthier America is a nonpartisan, nonprofit group with backing from the beverage industry, media, government and entertainers like Eva Longoria.

Eva: and some people make your larger – it’s the rabbit hole effect.

Butt file this under you can’t make everybody happy:

Environmental advocates say they're disappointed the campaign ignores concerns about plastic bottles ending up in waterways and reductions in federal funding for public water systems.

We applaud the first lady's initiative to encourage people to choose water over sugary beverages, but we do have concerns that this partnership is working in conjunction with the bottled water industry and wish that instead she were encouraging people to choose the much more affordable, more regulated option of tap water," said Emily Wurth, water program director for Food and Water Watch.

And, as always, there are critics who complain about all of Lady M’s good works, and cynics who question everything anybody does to save the world:

Nestle said the message that Americans don't drink enough water is questionable.

"I'm not aware of any nutrition science that backs that up ... there's so much water in food and in what people are eating that unless you're an elite athlete, at very high altitude or old where your thirst mechanism doesn't work very well, it's just simply a non-issue in my view," Nestle said.

It’s almost as if they think Lady M is just pimping these programs to promote an agenda, or something.

The latest campaign is backed by the American Beverage Association, which represents the makers of soft drinks, sports drinks, energy drinks and juices as well as bottled water, and the International Bottled Water Association.

Nestle said it actually helps the major soft drink companies, which have seen a decrease in soda sales and are investing heavily in promoting bottled water brands and other drinks, she said.

"This is a partnership with soda companies to promote their bottled waters," Nestle said.

I mean it’s not as if these companies are big campaign donors or anything, right? What? They are? Well, never mind.

In other news, this just in: Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been charged in France with proxénétisme aggravé or, as they say in Detroit, “aggravated pimping.” I’m not sure what that is, butt I’ll bet most of the people in our administration could be charged with it too.

Anyway, in parting, just remember Lady M’s wise words with respect to staying hydrated:

"Water is so basic, and because it is so plentiful, sometimes we just forget about it… Mrs. Obama said. "The truth is, water just gets drowned out."

We’re drowning here, people!

So all of you Obots out there: just keep drinking the Kool-Aide and carrying the water.

The elephants are counting on you.

(This one’s for you, Robin)

Linked By: Abby L Call on facebook, and @ValCSilver on twitter, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Putin and Obama Side by Side; I Reflect, You Decide.

Vladimir Putin (5'7", allegedly), let’s review:

His first term as President of Russia coincided with George W. Bush’s stolen American Presidency.

I hate this American President, his stick is much bigger than mine

From 2000-2008 Putin tried, more or less, to make nice with America and the West. Accordingly, he confined most of his inner-machismo to his big game hunts;

and dealing with internal enemies.

Ask Litvinenko: Is polonium a chemical weapon?

Then, when GWB’s second term was over, he gave Dmitry Medvedev (5'4")

In Russia, the difference between 5'7" and 5'4" is what they say it is.

a “short” run as president and used his self-imposed timeout to study this new American President, Barack Hussein Obama. “A very unique Amerikan president,” he said to himself.

So he spent the next 4 years working out in the gym and taking karate lessons.

Having assessed this Amerikan “fundamental transformation” and this new Amerikan president, he felt the whole world was due for some of this HOPE and CHANGE. Hence, he determined the time was ripe for the reemergence of the Russian Bear.

Listen up world leaders; it’s no contest: as you see, this one has no stick.

So prior to his next Russian presidential “reelection” he set about having a series of promotional photos taken of himself without a shirt, doing manly things.

Not so much to impress his countrymen, who were predestined to vote for him anyway, butt in order to intimidate his Amerikan arch enemy. Which it did; even Big Guy was overheard commenting that Pooty had a really big stick, and that in deference to it he would be far more flexible after his own reelection.

Youzer! That’s a really big rod!!

So when Putin won the Russian presidency, unexpectedly, in 2012 Big Guy decided to play nice with him this time around, lest he be considered to be arrogant, dismissive or even derisive.

Is this enough flexibility Pooty, or do you want me to take another yoga class?

So, let’s recap: while Pooty was shooting  tigers and bears and elk, Big Guy was busy shooting, well, you know:

18 holes.

And while BO had his functionaries spying on and punishing his enemies:

Putin did his own spying,

and just used his functionaries for the actual whack.

Who’s killing all the Russian dissidents? Is this a trick question?

So, in conclusion, despite who you voted for in yesterday’s Preliminary 2016 Presidential Poll, here’s some helpful drinking advice from each of our leading candidates:

How to drink like Putin:

1. Mix Stolichnaya vodka (2 parts) with the tears of Georgian nationalists (1 part) and the broken dreams of Russian democracy advocates (2 parts).

2. Gently shake.

3. Pour.

5. Sip while watching your most vocal opponents dig their own graves in the Siberian wilderness

h/t putinbearsitall   

How to drink like Barry:

Just suck it up.

This message was brought to you by Lady M’s coalition to drink more healthy water.

“I said, ‘drink up’ – it wasn’t a suggestion.”

Linked By:  Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and narciso on JustOneMinute, and @Standlow. @LadyLiberty1885, @JRealmo on twitter, and Rockee Andrew, Marilyn Matthew on facebook, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and NOBO2012 on Free Republic, Thanks!

Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network

Return of the Grinch

There have been comments regarding Lady M “laying low” since she landed Air Force Won Too here on the Big Island. Some have gone as far as to speculate that she’s embarrassed by the $4 million price tag attached to the family’s holiday.

Nothing could be further from the truth! It’s just our way of showing confidence in Big Guy’s ability to get the American economy out of the ditch that the Republicans drove it into - and now want to keep it in for political purposes.

In fact, she’s just taking the opportunity to get “spruced” up a bit for her annual beach foray, and - of course - for Big Guy’s historic arrival.

So far she’s been following the Daily Mail’s advice in order to look her best for all of the holiday festivities we have lined up:

GET A WRAP: The Universal Contour Wrap is a mummifying mud treatment that’s a tried-and-tested favourite for quick, all-over weight loss.

You’re wrapped in bandages that minimise water retention and the makers say you are guaranteed to lose up to six inches where it matters after just one 60‑minute treatment or your money back. 

 

Well, that’s a wrap, butt possibly not the area “where it matters” most, if you know what I mean:

 

   

GET A MASSAGE: Elemis’s Fennel Cleansing Cellulite and Colon Therapy has an abdominal massage that works wonders in reducing fluid retention, while the fennel and birch all-over body mask, combined with drainage massage technique, smooths the appearance of cellulite and boosts circulation.

 

        

Or you can buy one of these patented Alaia tummy massage belts that does all the work for you: Hurry, while supply lasts!

 

CURB CARBS, SALT AND DAIRY:  Follow the lead of Jennifer Aniston and Liz Hurley and avoid carbs, salt and dairy on the day of a big party.

 

  Does ice cream have any carbs in it? Or dairy?

 

EAT STRATEGICALLY: For breakfast, have some watermelon and for lunch and dinner a small amount of chicken with vegetables or salad. The water in the fruit and vegetables will fill you up. But avoid sprouts, which can leave you bloated. If want a snack, try a spoonful of almond butter.

 

Organic veggies are good, butt none of the cruciferous ones, as they cause {{{gas}}}

Sorry Little Mo, no broccoli before hitting the beach

AVOID GUM: As you chew gum, you swallow air, which causes bloating and belly expansion. Even sugar-free gum contains sweeteners which are thought to make you retain water.

Also, according to some dermatologists, the repetitive movements of chewing build  up your jaw muscles, so your face  looks wider.

If you smoke, stop for the day — swallowed or gulped air is the biggest single cause of bloating.

Got that: swallowing air = bloating. Not good with foil frocks.

 

GET UP AND GO WALKING: After each meal, go for a brisk walk for at least five minutes. Moving your body helps release air that has been trapped in your digestive system.

“Air trapped in your digestive system?” EEEUUU! I KNOW what that means!!!!! “What goes down, must come out.”

Stand clear!

ONLY DRINK STILL WATER: Avoid caffeine, alcohol and fruit juices — their high acid content can irritate your gastro-intestinal tract, causing swelling. Fizzy drinks bubbles distend your tummy.

Is there any still water in red wine? Or Alcohol?

 

GET A TAN: Stars such as Jennifer Lopez count on looking 5lb thinner by getting a spray-tan. If you’re baring your legs in a dress, try extra misting on the inner and outer legs to make them look narrower.

 

Hello! Spray Tan? We practically invented the color “toast” for cripes sake. And leg misting? You’re joking, right?

 

Shoes, legs and chair - all polished and gold leafed.       h/t Cripes Suzette

 

ENHANCE YOUR FEATURES: Use a cream bronzer under your jawline and cheekbones to make your face look more angular. Pulling your hair up into a high ponytail or a half up-do will create height and make your face look slimmer. 

 

        

Fake it until you can afford to “make it” with the right $15,000 a day make-up artist

 

                      

        At that price they can even take care of that “little-eye" thing

 

GET THE RIGHT UNDERWEAR: Control underwear is a girl’s best friend in the party season — it can transform your limbs from lumpy and bumpy to smooth and sleek. Pick the item which targets your problem area, be it lifting your bottom, flattening your stomach, slimming hips or defining your waist.

 

          

Remember: Industrial Strength Containment Systems are your friend 

 

STAND UP STRAIGHT: The quickest way to look like you have dropped a dress size is to stop slouching. Stand tall, with your shoulders pulled back and down, and imagine a string is at the top of your head, pulling you upwards.

 

Do as I say little girl, not as I do.

 

What’s that damn string supposed to be attached to again?

So in the spirit of the unspecified Winter Holiday we’re here to celebrate, I can report that things are going swimmingly. We’re getting in the best shape of our life by following all of the Mail’s helpful tips. And Lady M would just like to “wrap it up” by joining the Grinch in saying to all of the little people out there who still believe in Santa Claus: “Bah Humbug”

h/t LookingSpoon via Gerard Vanderleun

                 

OK, that’s a wrap.

Linked By: Moonbattery, and SondraK, and Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and by GOP_U_BET & Attercliffe on Lucianne.com, Thanks!