Beef. It’s not what’s for lunch anymore. We’re In The Pink!

It’s 11:45 AM; Do you know what your child is eating? If you said “yes” you’re probably wrong.

Spaghetti with “meat” sauce, beans, orange: this looks like something Lady M would approve of, as long as that’s skim milk

Boy, timing is everything, isn’t it?

PRESS RELEASE (IFT):

March 6, 2012

U.S. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack has announced that nearly 6,000 USDA partners are teaming to deem March 8, as “What’s on My Plate?” day to heighten public awareness of the importance of choosing nutritious foods for a healthy meal…

The goal of “What’s on My Plate?” day is to create a nationwide buzz about food choices on March 8 as part of national Nutrition Month activities…

Congratulations! Mission Accomplished! There’s certainly been a lot of nationwide buzz about  “What’s on My Plate” this past week. And a lot of public awareness surrounding the importance of choosing nutritious foods, especially for school lunch programs, has surely been heightened. Especially after the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it's buying 7 million more pounds of what’s come to be known as  "pink slime" for school lunch programs across the country.

No, not dessert. This USDA approved pink slime is destined for chicken patties, hot dogs and hamburgers at a school lunch near you.

Before I continue with this disturbing Pink Slime expose (warning: the following is not suitable reading for school aged children or backyard chickens) I want to make it perfectly clear that Lady M knew nothing about this slime job. Just like Eric Holder, her little people let her down and kept her in the dark.

Based on my investigative reporting, so far I’ve determined that this icky mess started with an innocent request from Plouffe-Daddy, who was just trying to curry favor with our community organizer contingency so we can count on their votes again in the 2012 WTF campaign. You see, Medea Benjamin (founder of Code Pink) recently launched a new enterprise and we just wanted to give her new venture a little boost.

Some might call that crony capitalism, P-Daddy just called it “putting America back in the Pink.”

h/t Freaking News

Anyway, Medea assured Chef Sammy – Lady M’s go-to guy for all things nutrition related - that her wonderful pink product was 100% locally sourced USDA approved organic food-stuff (which I guess technically it is, as Ammonia (NH3) is covered in organic chemistry class).

Additionally, I understand that Soylent Pink Products Inc.(SPPI) is a non-profit company and that Medea has pledged all proceeds (after unaudited expenses) from her new enterprise to her other tax-exempt fund, “Prosecute Bush and Cheney for War Crimes.” So it’s a good cause.

Any-hoo, with all the budget cutting going on around here, combined with the incredible increases in food prices (NOT included in Big Guy’s official inflation index, for obvious reasons: we don’t want to panic the public) Lady M and Chef Sam “Sammy” Kass have been looking for ways to make our No Child’s Fat Behind MiPlato school lunches less expensive without having to cut any SEIU workers, pay or benefits. So this fine Pink product looked like just the ticket. And in hindsight, it wasn’t Sammy’s fault for assuming that this new miracle product was made from organic soy beans.

After all, what can’t you make with organic soy beans?

And since Lady M never gets involved in any of the day-to-day decisions involved in her initiatives anyway, you can see how this happened. Just like with Ricky in the Gun Walker incident, she’s just a victim of life’s circumstances. So, just to make it crystal clear, allow me reiterate:

Lady M knew nothing about this pink slime-in-SEIU-school-lunches scandal before some nosey blabbermouth leaked it to the vast right wing conspiracy blogosphere. Nor will it in any way interfere with her continued commitment to the healthy eating to ensure No Child’s Fat Behind. This includes, butt is not limited to, continued support of all SEIU efforts to prepare, deliver and serve food in every school cafeteria in America.

SEIU local 74 team delivering lunch to PS 379

Furthermore, the people originally behind approving this dangerous perfectly safe, albeit disgusting food “additive” will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And, as usual, we discover that this is actually Bush’s fault. Although in this case it’s Bush I not Bush II who gets the blame:

Zernstein tells The Daily that "scientists in D.C. were pressured to approve this stuff with minimal safety approval" under President George H.W. Bush's administration. The USDA asserts that its ground beef purchases "meet the highest standard for food safety."

Butt I get ahead of myself: This whole scandal broke with the block buster airing of Jamie Oliver’s documentary which included a graphic depiction of how pink beef slime is “created” from  left over “bits” and “parts” after the butchering: intestines, connective tissue, and other unmentionable “beef trimmings.”

Warning: not suitable viewing for small children, those whose immune system is compromised or backyard chickens.

Pink chicken slime is made essentially the same way, only with leftover chicken parts instead: beaks, eyes, bones and wattles. I know, I know: it sounds dangerous with all that intestinal E. coli floating around. Not to worry, that’s why your government has mandated the use of ammonium hydroxide (Ammonia (NH3)) in the process – it kills everything. It also turns all the resulting goop – up till now a rather disgusting tan color, a rather pleasant pinkish tone. Throw in a little extra artificial red food dye and you’ve got yourself some fine neon pink slime that blends well with just about everything.

Butt now that even McDonald’s has announced it will no longer be using pink slime, we’re probably going to have to step away from the slime pit too. Although there’s no way we’re going to be able to do it quietly after Michael Savage broke the story on his show last Friday. It’s bad enough that he’s blabbing about pink slime to his ginormous nation wide audience, butt now he’s penned another in his string of best selling books attacking everything that Big Guy is trying to do to for America:

Pre-Order Trickle Down Tyranny Here…If You Dare!

So anyway, now we’re really in a pickle. We can’t get any more of your money for our SEIU lunch program out of the Do-Nothing Congress; Big Guy can’t afford to let any SEIU members – or their pay or benefits - get cut, and Lady M’s still 100% committed to No Child’s Fat Behind. So it was back to the drawing board for Sammy. Now that the original slime is off the table, he’s been busting his chops to come up with a new way to make school lunches cheaper (as well as tasty).

He’s been experimenting with replacement products and developed gobs of new recipes. Recently he and Lady M took the new recipes on the road and conducted focus group tests on both the recipes and new names for our meat food product. Butt that route was getting us nowhere. We couldn’t even get most people to try the new product.

Here – taste this, and tell me what you think it is.

That’s when Big Guy stepped in and suggested, “Why don’t you just rename Medea’s mechanically separated meat something else? That way, people will stop confusing “MSM” with our media lapdogs, and everyone will think they’re eating something different.” BINGO! A twofer! That’s why he’s President!

It’s a simple, elegant solution and Big Guy has demonstrated over and over how well this tactic works: “Kinetic Military Action” not a war, EPA regulations, not Cap and Trade, a “documentary” not an infomercial, a “Jobs Bill” not Stimulus II – well you get the idea. Pure genius!

So that’s exactly what we did.

“Hurry up and take the damned picture – I’m not getting this crap any closer to my mouth.”

Sammy tasked our Department of Government Acronyms and Obfuscation with coming up with a brand new name and they didn’t let us down: from now on our processed meat food by-product will be known officially as “Bio-molecularly Amalgamated Reconstituted Food (BARF). Since it sounds sophisticated – sort of like the trendy “gastro-pub” and “molecular food” I figure we can use this new “food” term generically to describe all sorts of things in addition to the the new-butt-still-pink slime we’ll be using in school lunches. Even some of Lady M’s veggie dishes.

Lady M and Chef Sam  whipping up a test batch of veggie B.A.R.F

Yum! Pink macaroons - no wait! Those are burgers.

Of course, since it’s still essentially the same old, uh… slime, our new BARF will require the same special handling procedures as the original Slime:

SEIU members unloading a fresh batch of Soylent Pink ® Slime at a local school.

100% safe when stored in a specially shielded pantry and used or frozen by the “use by” date.

We’re not kidding

Any way, our focus group gave a thumbs up for our latest formula so I think once again Big Guy has saved the day. We’re now free to slime America again.

Ummm, umm, umm: that’s good slime

One final word on product safety from the USDA: they advise you take precautions when using BARF so as not to confuse E. Coli - a bacteria commonly found in meat - with “e. e. coli, a bacteria commonly found in erratically punctuated poetry” h/t Alexandra Petri –as in “petri dish” (I don’t make this stuff up) at WaPo).

seeker of truth  by e e cummings:

follow no path
all paths lead where

truth is here

                                       

 I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow for a slime job today

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And Now, An Important Message from Our FLOTUS. And Her Sponsors

By now I trust you’ve all read Lady M’s brilliant OpEd at the WaPo on the urgent need to plunge the country deeper into debt in order to feed the fat kids’ behinds and save the country from imminent peril. Even though her thoughtful editorial appeared just yesterday, she’s already received a good deal of thoughtful feedback which I’m sure she’ll take under advisement. I knew it would be a good piece, because she worked on it all last week, which is pretty impressive given its 722 words: that’s over 100 words a day!

When she was done though, she wisely gave it to Cammie to “edit”  as her last official duty before leaving her post as MO’s “Communications Director.” I thought it would be fun to run Lady M’s Pulitzer Prize winning (per Granny Jan) editorial journalism  (is that redundant?) through my “I Write Like” transmogrifier, just to see what it said.  Guess what? MO writes just like SEIU President Mary Kay Henry!

 SEIU Prez Mary Kay Henry with new “Card Check” recruits

Mary Kay’s union is a  big supporter (i.e. huge piles of cash) of Team Obama, and we in turn have returned their generosity ten-fold.

You can be a big supporter too: Click on the SEIU “O” Gear. All proceeds go to Team O!

A lot of Mary Kay’s members are the hair netted ladies who serve up gobs of high calorie food products in school cafeterias to help little children grow fat behinds.

  Other SEIU members are dedicated health care workers,

and the rest of them are hard working janitors. All are skilled and trained community organizers.

MO began her editorial by talking about the importance of her own organic garden at the Big White, and how she let students come and work in it for free! Even our illegal Mexicans won’t do that:

In the months that followed, those same students came back to check on the garden's progress and taste the fruits (and vegetables) of their labor. Together, they helped us spark a national conversation about the role that food plays in helping us all live healthy lives.

I’m concerned that if she and Big Guy “spark” any more conversations on how we do anything, the resulting fire is going to look more like  “revolution” than  “conversation.” But maybe I’m watching too many Glen Beck re-runs at 2:00 AM when I can’t sleep. I’ll try switching to HSN or Ms.NBC and see if that helps.

Lady M talked about how important her “Let’s Move!” campaign is:

...the idea behind "Let's Move!" -- a nationwide campaign started this year with a single and very ambitious goal: solving the problem of childhood obesity in a generation, so kids born today can reach adulthood at a healthy weight.

Future SEIU members, practicing their intimidation and speed-dialing skills

If you’re not sure what a healthy weight for an adult is, you can just look at Lady M and the SEIU cafeteria workers for examples. Although MO’s actual weight is classified.

Here are a few more excerpts from Lady M’s extraordinary, historical and very important OpEd, in case you missed it:

But even if we all work to help our kids lead healthy lives at home, they also need to stay healthy and active at school. The last thing parents need or want is to see the progress they're making at home lost during the school day.

Home style

 

 School cafeteria style

Over the past year, I have met with community leaders and stakeholders from across the country -- parents and teachers, school board members and principals, suppliers and food service workers -- about the importance of making sure every child in America has access to nutritious meals at school. They all want what's best for our children, and they all know how critical it is that we keep making progress.

Of course, the only “stakeholders” out of that batch that matter to the O’s are the suppliers (who currently enjoy huge government contracts, which will now be enbiggened to become even huger: thanks taxpayers!) and food service workers (SEIU - ‘nuff said). As long as those two are happy the piles of cash keep coming our way.

That's why it is so important that Congress pass this bill as soon as possible.

Why is everything always so time sensitive with the Won’s? I used to think it was because they’re always planning to go on another vacation, but now I think it’s just to irritate the Tea Party.

 We owe it to the children who aren't reaching their potential because they're not getting the nutrition they need during the day.

Didn’t that used to be Mom and Dad’s job?

We owe it to the parents who are working to keep their families healthy and looking for a little support along the way.

Would those be the same families hauling sacks of chips, Doritos, Ding Dongs, Keebler elf cookies, Snickers and tubs of ice cream into their homes? With food stamps?

We owe it to the schools that are trying to make progress but don't have the resources they need.

Here’s a free tip for school cafeteria managers from the way-back machine of the 1950’s: loaf of bread, bologna, peanut butter, jelly,  sack of apples, bunch of bananas. Turkey if you must. This ain’t rocket science.

And we owe it to our country -- because our prosperity depends on the health and vitality of the next generation.

Although others may argue that our prosperity depends on  decreasing the deficit and taxes, putting people back to work and protecting the country from invasions of illegal foreigners, some of whom wish us great harm.

Don’t get me wrong - it’s not that I wish to remove all the delicious sugary, salty treats from kids lunch rooms - but in the olden days, when the Federal Government wished to impose noxious standards that nobody wanted, they didn’t automatically create another huge entitlement program. They just said  “no federal funding unless you follow our new federal guidelines” – like 55 mph speed limits, remember? All but one state complied. Pretty effective, and no new taxes. If that matters.

So if you want schools to replace corn with collard greens (heh, heh) just eliminate their school lunch funds if they won’t serve them. We save billions of dollars and SEIU won’t grow larger than the Chinese Red Army. Besides, I’m not convinced that collard greens cost more than corn - at least not until the “suppliers” and SEIU food service workers slap their Government-Gravy-Train-Premium on it.

New SEIU workers hired to learn how to cook collard greens.   Can you spot the “healthy” adult weight role models? 

So get ready kids. When we ram this up get the Child Nutrition Bill program up and running, you’ll be in for a treat. No more, lunch trays loaded with delicious unhealthy fried nuggets of chicken thingies, greasy, salty french fries, icy cold, sugary soda beverages to wash it down and finished off with yummy fattening chocolate chip cookies for desert:

Instead you’ll be getting healthy bowls of this green, orange and dark grey organic matter,

and the trays will be filled out with more green chunks, a crumbly brown thing with a hearty chunk of fiberboard and some reddish stuff to spread on it. And no-fat moo juice.

And it will only cost twice as much as the old school lunch program. So that’s good news for taxpayers. And the SEIU. Umm, umm, umm!

I wonder how much extra it will cost to actually teach kids to read, write and cipher? Because than maybe they could figure some of this really complicated stuff out for themselves.

H/T Fausta and Granny Jan

“Nasty and Rotty” The Retro FLOTUS Friday edition

I know it’s FLOTUS Friday…

but Deep In the Heart of Texas linked this yesterday: Michelle Obama's 'nasty, rotty' school lunch guru busted for corruption 

Michelle Obama praised Binkle for his newly reformed school lunch program, which nominally imposed his rarefied chef tastes of quinoa, pad thai, black bean burgers, and other chi-chi nouvelle cuisine as a substitute for tacos, burgers, and corn dogs favored by children across the vast multi-ethnic school district.  In reality, they were overcharging, overbilling, and under-delivering, with the food turning out to be basically slop.  It probably didn't help that it was public employee unions executing the mess.  Of course the food turned out to be inedible and detested.

And that reminded me of what fun we used to have with Lady M’s nasty, rotty school lunches.

Umm! Pickled herring, a rye roll and dried corn; ‘nasty, rotty’ would be a step up.

And it seems like only yesterday we were making having fun with Pink Slime and SEIU corruptocrats.

I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow for a slime job today

From Obama’$ New Green Lobby: Vegetable$

Lady M is pleased to announce that her “A Salad Bar in Every Lunchroom” program is supported by – in addition to the SEIU – the following organizations: the National Fruit and Vegetable Alliance (a sub-organization of PBH – Produce for Better Health – a non-profit 501(c)(3) industry lobby group), United Fresh Produce Association Foundation (a non-profit 501(c)(3) industry lobby group) and Food, Family, Farming (F3) Foundation - isn’t that 4 F’s? – (also a non-profit 501(c)(3) lobby group whose “mission” is to “work toward changing the food system in America from a chemically dependent/resource depleting agricultural model to an ecologically sound sustainable one.”) So, as proud tax payers, not only do you get to pay for Lady M’s school nutrition program once it’s been rammed through Congress – you get to pay for the lobbyists getting it rammed through Congress too!

Butt don’t forget: It’s all about the children!

I wish I could say the kids are alright, but the little children refused to eat their healthy lunches so went hungry all afternoon.

And the not so little children were last seen being carted out of Lollapalooza in a drunken stupor. But that probably doesn’t have anything to do with an unhealthy diet. More likely it’s due to your Mom telling you Beyoncé was a great role model. My advice to Obama the Younger: more covfefe, less vodka. In fact, if you drink enough of it you might actually begin to Make America Great Again.

   Linked By: Larwyn’s Linx on Doug Ross@Journal, and BlogsLucianneLoves, and Free Republic, Thanks!

Lady M’s Salad-Bar-A-Rama: umm, umm, umm!

Grist (an environmental magazine whose motto is “Gloom and doom with a sense of humor®” – although you may  miss the humor part unless you read the “comments” section)  reports:

First Lady Michelle Obama is expected to announce on Monday a major new initiative that would place up to 5,000 salad bars in public schools nationwide, despite uncertainties over how local health inspectors might treat those salad bars and USDA nutrition-tracking rules that could prove a major impediment.

Lady M and Commissar Leon want you to fight obesity

Butt surprisingly, most kids don’t eat salad. Not for lunch. Or dinner. They don’t like it. The only thing they’ll eat off a salad bar are raisins, baby carrots, fried chow mein noodles and bacon bits. Although I guess that technically meets the nutrition requirement of a balanced fruit-vegetable-protein-carbohydrate meal. Which is apparently a real concern of the federal government:

But schools also are deterred by USDA regulations that require students to pass by a cash register or “point of sale” station after they have been to the salad bar to ensure that they have served themselves the correct portions of fruits and vegetables required under the federal lunch program.

Those darned federal school lunch program regulations! That’s going to require a whole new squad of food police in every school cafeteria, and we haven’t even factored that into the budget yet. We’re thinking of bribing the little children into making the right food choices by giving them a toy with every Happy Salad Meal that meets our federal lunch program guidelines:

Part of our trade agreement with India

  Indian craftsmen making Lady M’s Happy Salad Meal toys

(Lady M) has embraced more fruit and vegetable consumption as a major plank in her efforts to improve American diets and combat weight-related illnesses, especially among children. Kass, who directs the First Lady’s nutrition efforts, was seen as central to bringing the various salad-bar interests together and developing a unified effort under the White House banner.

Who would have thought there was such a thing as “various salad-bar interests?”

I’m not sure who all those “various salad-bar interests” are. Aside from the food service contractors who enjoy HUGE contracts with the federal government to supply food for school lunches. Their fat contracts will now be embiggened by the addition of tons of fresh fruits and vegetables. And the SEIU of course.

Do you have any idea how many more food service workers it takes to chop up all those green peppers, broccoli, cauliflower and radishes that the kids won’t eat? And then clean up the mess at the end of the lunch hour and throw away all the uneaten fruit and veggies?

And do you know how much it will cost government-paid food contractors to buy all that produce from certified SEIU-friendly fresh food distributors? Who will buy the produce from other certified SEIU-friendly fresh food handlers and processors? Who will get all that produce from comprehensive-immigration reform friendly “organic” farmers?

The answer is: $4.5 billion. For starters. Think of it as part of our economic stimulus plan. That’s why we need more money. It’s for the children. And their fat behinds.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin is passing out cookies at schools in Pennsylvania. Cookies! How subversive can you get?

 Is this even going to be a contest?

I thought the Dems were supposed to be the populists around here. I can tell you right now, they’re never going to win the hearts and minds of the American people with fat-free tofu and alfalfa sprouts. Oh, and another thing: sending “fat report cards” home to mom and dad telling them that their children are obese: probably not an endearing feature of the new wOrld order either.

The Dems better hope that Ann Coulter gets her way about repealing the 26th Amendment and raising the voting age to 30. Because if you offer anyone under 30 a choice between chocolate chip cookies and tofu stocked salad bars, I think I know how that vote’s going to go.

Oh, and by the way, bad news for Lady M’s Salad-bar-a-rama: after all her hard work and sacrificing, America’s consumption of fresh fruits and vegetables: down this year. I wonder if it has anything to do with Bush’s recession?

Barry Prepares to Take Putin to School

Hey look! MO is in the kitchen! With Chef Sammie Kass and Rachael Ray:

Showing off our “boy” brows

The most remarkable thing about this fisheye perspective is the fact that all three of the selfie subjects have exactly the same eyebrows! And while I can’t speak for Sammy, Rache’s eyebrows – like Lady M’s – have been evolving:

Eyebrows, evolving; along with everything else

"My 1st #selfie! Excited to be joined by @FLOTUS & @letsmove's Sam Kass @ the White House. Watch Weds @RachaelRayShow," Rachael tweeted.

The Rachael Ray Show is butt one of many celebrations of Lady M’s No Child’s Fat Behind 4th anniversary. We’ve already done Parks and Recreation with Amy Poehler, another shrimp:

Where she dazzled the local children with her golfing skills:

Except for the little girl standing off to the side, who seems horrified by the sight of the ball slicing through  the window.

Later MO shared a lunch of veggies with some children:

Butt it was a tough sell.

The kids didn’t seem to enjoy their lunches any more than their counterparts around the country:

The federal government’s changes to school lunch menus have been disastrous, causing problems for cafeterias trying to comply with the rules and leaving the menu so expensive or unpalatable that more than 1 million students have stopped buying lunch, according to a government audit released Thursday.

Butt don’t worry, we’re going to stay the course and the kids will eventually get used to the lunch room realities. Just like the rest of the country will eventually get used to a crappy economy, crappy Obamacare where options are lean and limited, and a new slimmed down American role in geopolitical affairs.

And then, it was off to dance with veggies:

Wow - check out those Super Sprowtz!

Not to be outdone, Big Guy visited a school yesterday too, to talk about his budget, and speak his mind on the situation in the Ukraine. Because, what better place to cover these subjects?

While he was there, BO participated in a restorative justice circle with the children, in preparation for later negotiations with Putin over the Ukraine. After the session, Barry made this macaroni art for Vlad:

Although I don’t think we should get our HOPEs up; I have a feeling that “restorative justice” in Russia doesn’t mean what Big Guy thinks it means.

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Cross-Posted on Patriot Action Network